Crankster!

I feel like crap. I tell myself this is a dangerous place to be, but it doesn't feel like any other time. I think that I really am just that tired that I should stay in bed, not that I just don't feel like getting up... I haven't had a full nights sleep in a least a fortnight. The dreams are obviously not REM dreams, they are not those of a deep sleep. I wake up often and sleep late. But I do not wake feeling rested at all. Instead, I want to sleep more. I find myself napping but then I cannot sleep at night. Where is the proper balance? What am I supposed to do?

It is made worse by that I have nothing to do. The things that I can do alone seem like too much effort to even try. I have been meaning to go up the hill 3 times a week since I got home. I have not made it once. I could do it today, but I am exhausted. Walking home from the mall the other day, I wanted to sit on a corner and rest! It makes me sad that I can no longer do what I used to do. Is it because I am out of shape and lazy? Or is it because of where I am at in my mental life right now? I want to do things, but I cannot motivate myself to go. I went to Walmart the other day, that was big thing. Caught the bus and went on out that way, accomplished everything I had to do. But the half hour walk had me dragging my feet the whole way home. Then I collapsed on the chair and didn't move for hours. My feet blister on the bottom like nothing. It doesn't seem to matter how far I walk, I have blisters. And it doesn't matter what shoes I wear. That makes it even harder to convince myself to go up the hill! My stomach is hard. Hard and fat. I am not sure what to do with that! At least when it was jiggly, I knew I had fat to loose! What does one do with a fat, hard belly? I have only noticed that since my surgery, but any side effects of the surgery should be gone by now shouldn't they? It has been almost 3 weeks since. But everything else is still happening from the surgery, so why shouldn't that be. I am still bleeding, not that I was supposed to be. I now start bleeding in earnest in two days. How am I supposed to tell the Doctor about what my cycle looked like if I cannot distinguish spotting from bleeding. I am blaming the spotting for some of my lack of energy and general bitchiness. I don't know it if it true or not, but it's gotta be at least part of my problems! But, two years ago when I bled for the entire month of June (sounds familiar now....), I don't remember being extra bitchy. But, it was two years ago, and I was dating a dink who made me grumpy too.... But the extra blood loss, the lack of sleep and the general down feeling all add up to … me.

For the last 18 hours, my bowels have been liquid. I am peeing out my poop hole and afraid to fart in case some escapes. I don't know what's going on, but I am sure that is not normal either! My ass feels like dynamite was lit in it, and yet, I keep having liquid run out like there is nothing to stop it. I have never had diarrhea like this before! Normally (and yes, I am very aware that I am putting my bowel habits on a public forum, you know it's what I do, that's why you read my blog!!!!) it is one big dump of semi solid, not continual streams of liquid! So, needless to say, I am staying pretty close to the bathrooms tonight. I know that is why I am so tired today. I was up until 1:30 am with the Chronicles of Narnia in the bathroom, waiting for it to stop/. Up again at 4 to see if it was okay to fart.... and in being up for 2 hours have read another chapter while my insides pour out of me.

I am sure all of this causes my general problem. But, my desire to be in bed, my crankiness, my general desire to not talk to anyone (but to feel sorry for myself when no one talks to me) all remind me of my depression. I don't know if it's under control or not when my hormones make me cry!