Well, I made it through week one, I am not really sure how though! My job requires very little thought and very little skill, but it is exhausting me having to focus on it for so long. I photocopy everything the package needs, create the appropriate number of packages and move onto to the next one. If I were in a better headspace I might die of boredom; but in this headspace, it is almost all I can take! Someone (probably many people) told me that having a job would help me; that my energy level would increase because I would be doing things and getting out of the house. So far, I am going to bed earlier every night, waking up more tired in the morning, dragging my ass out of bed and into the shower, forcing myself into clothes, forcing food down my throat and dragging my feet out the door and to work. Once at work, I focus on the task at hand, but it is everything I have to not tell my boss that I am done, that I cannot handle her meaningless tasks and I quit. The thing is I can’t handle anymore than I am doing either. I currently don’t have to talk to students. I don’t have to use my brain. And I can’t handle it. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. Today, I had to make a couple extra stops on my way home from what seemed like the longest day of package making yet. When I made it to the last one, I sat down to look at the bus schedule. I planned on walking as far as the nearest bus stop and not moving until I could sit on a bus. Luckily I found a bus was coming within the next five minutes. Three times along the bus route I was within a five minute walk from my house, but I stayed on the twisting route until I was three houses away from my house. That walk was almost too much too. I turned down social activities tonight, because I don’t think I can do it. I imagine that if things go my way, I will be in bed by about 8 pm! How sad is that? 25 years old and asleep long before dark in early spring. I can’t wait for my doctor’s appointment on Tuesday. I am hoping she can help me with drugs to help what I cannot find the energy or strength within me to try.
I am becoming paranoid in my depression. Any friend that doesn’t want to talk to me or hang out with me hates me. I feel like anyone who drops back behind me and says something quietly to someone else is talking about me. I hear people laugh in the hall as I walk by; it must be me they are laughing at. People that make eye contact and offer a minute smile are mocking me. I know all this to be foolish, but I find myself thinking it every time I hear or see anything. I feel like my work is being criticized every time someone looks at it. I jump every time anyone comes near my desk; I feel this feeling of guilt whenever anyone is near. I am convinced I am going to get myself fired. I am convinced that everything I do is noted by someone as a fault against me. I am lying to anyone who asks how I am doing. I put on my best fake smile and say I am just fine. I know they can see through, and I feel they judge me for it. I feel like no one cares that I am dying inside. I feel like no one wants me to answer truthfully. I can’t hide it that well; I am falling apart at the seams without the energy to try to fix me! A part of me screams every time these thoughts enter my mind, but more of me believes it than I would like to admit. I am angry at everyone, but most of all at me. I know my anger to be unjustified, but I cannot stop it. I blame that I am tired, and I am indeed exhausted, but why am I angry? I am angry because you hate me! Ironically, that made me laugh.
Tomorrow I have a yard sale. Sunday, Mom has plans for me to help her around the house. When do I get to sleep this off? I could sleep for a week, and pray that I woke up feeling better….
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Willpower is Failing Me.
Welcome to the new blog, where half the world will not know about my foes; apparently people send my blog to anyone wanting to know about Ghana, so I have reduced the old blog to just Ghana and things like that, and this, this is my new blog, all about me.
Today was a particularly rough day, although I am not sure why. By lunch, I felt like bursting into tears. Travis reassured me that nobody hated me like I thought, but I just didn’t fit in anymore, because I have been gone for seven months. That didn’t help my feelings of everyone hating me, nor did it stop the tears from hiding just behind my eyes. The afternoon didn’t get any better; I managed to get out of the college before the tears came forth. I fought the whole way home to not give into the tears because I needed to be okay enough to do Brownies this evening. Some of them snuck through my will power though. However, for the most part, I have held it all inside. It’s true. I feel like everything I did today was wrong, and that nobody wanted me around. One girl I worked with said that she needed to tell another girl something after 4. I was convinced that it was about me, because I go home at 4. A part of me knows that this is ridiculous, but a part of me fears it is true.
Brownies did help, but not really enough. The girls that I have known the past were great – they all remembered me and were chatty. The other girls were still chatty enough. It was a nice evening. But it was still too much for me. Work is too much for me. Good thing my job takes MAD SKILLS or I wouldn’t be able to do it. It takes mad skills to photocopy and make packages from many piles of paper. But really, I am not complaining. I know that I couldn’t face the students right now. Even overhearing the students and all their problems and stresses, stresses me out and makes me angry. It is a very good thing that I didn’t get the other job I applied for, as I am now convinced that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I run fully out of steam at about 2 pm, and then I have another two hours to go. I could almost go to bed for the night when I get home at 4:30. My counselor suggested we continue to meet earlier, as it appeared that I was falling asleep in the office. *shrugs*, I was. I am going to bed early most days (tonight is LATE! But I wanted to do this stuff to my blog and I need to write today), and getting almost ten hours of sleep. I still wake up exhausted. I see my doctor again on Tuesday, and I am hoping that she can give me something to help. Right now, I honestly don’t have the willpower to live, but I am good at needing to do things for others, so I am getting out of bed, I am going to work, I am making it through each day. If I had my way, I wouldn’t move for hours on end. Tonight, I waited for a ride for over an hour. I didn’t realize any of that time had gone by until the cold seeped far into my bones. As I think about it now, it seems like that other’s that had rides came and went in lightning speed. And by the shivering still in my bones, I gather I was cold long before I realized it. My cousnellor asked me how I could fix my life. I told her that there was no fix, I just had to learn to live it. Do you have any idea how much effort that takes? Far more than I have. She asked if I had no will to live, how I kept making it through each day. I told her that I hated letting people down, so I didn’t. I told her that as long as I have something I am supposed to do, I will normally get myself there. I might not be at my best, but I will be there. Everything I do, it is for someone else. I don’t want this job, but I do want to go back to Ghana. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, but I want to go back to Ghana, and so I have a job I have to go to. Most of my evening activities, I could cancel without a second thought, but I hate it when people do that to me. She asked what brings me to her office every week. I told her that I couldn’t live like this, so I was doing all that I had in me to try to fix it, but that it wasn’t working and I was just getting more tired and fed up with my life. I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like everything requires so much energy that I do not have and cannot muster up. Even writing this blog has hit that point, so I am going to leave, in the middle of my thoughts and go to bed.
Today was a particularly rough day, although I am not sure why. By lunch, I felt like bursting into tears. Travis reassured me that nobody hated me like I thought, but I just didn’t fit in anymore, because I have been gone for seven months. That didn’t help my feelings of everyone hating me, nor did it stop the tears from hiding just behind my eyes. The afternoon didn’t get any better; I managed to get out of the college before the tears came forth. I fought the whole way home to not give into the tears because I needed to be okay enough to do Brownies this evening. Some of them snuck through my will power though. However, for the most part, I have held it all inside. It’s true. I feel like everything I did today was wrong, and that nobody wanted me around. One girl I worked with said that she needed to tell another girl something after 4. I was convinced that it was about me, because I go home at 4. A part of me knows that this is ridiculous, but a part of me fears it is true.
Brownies did help, but not really enough. The girls that I have known the past were great – they all remembered me and were chatty. The other girls were still chatty enough. It was a nice evening. But it was still too much for me. Work is too much for me. Good thing my job takes MAD SKILLS or I wouldn’t be able to do it. It takes mad skills to photocopy and make packages from many piles of paper. But really, I am not complaining. I know that I couldn’t face the students right now. Even overhearing the students and all their problems and stresses, stresses me out and makes me angry. It is a very good thing that I didn’t get the other job I applied for, as I am now convinced that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I run fully out of steam at about 2 pm, and then I have another two hours to go. I could almost go to bed for the night when I get home at 4:30. My counselor suggested we continue to meet earlier, as it appeared that I was falling asleep in the office. *shrugs*, I was. I am going to bed early most days (tonight is LATE! But I wanted to do this stuff to my blog and I need to write today), and getting almost ten hours of sleep. I still wake up exhausted. I see my doctor again on Tuesday, and I am hoping that she can give me something to help. Right now, I honestly don’t have the willpower to live, but I am good at needing to do things for others, so I am getting out of bed, I am going to work, I am making it through each day. If I had my way, I wouldn’t move for hours on end. Tonight, I waited for a ride for over an hour. I didn’t realize any of that time had gone by until the cold seeped far into my bones. As I think about it now, it seems like that other’s that had rides came and went in lightning speed. And by the shivering still in my bones, I gather I was cold long before I realized it. My cousnellor asked me how I could fix my life. I told her that there was no fix, I just had to learn to live it. Do you have any idea how much effort that takes? Far more than I have. She asked if I had no will to live, how I kept making it through each day. I told her that I hated letting people down, so I didn’t. I told her that as long as I have something I am supposed to do, I will normally get myself there. I might not be at my best, but I will be there. Everything I do, it is for someone else. I don’t want this job, but I do want to go back to Ghana. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, but I want to go back to Ghana, and so I have a job I have to go to. Most of my evening activities, I could cancel without a second thought, but I hate it when people do that to me. She asked what brings me to her office every week. I told her that I couldn’t live like this, so I was doing all that I had in me to try to fix it, but that it wasn’t working and I was just getting more tired and fed up with my life. I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like everything requires so much energy that I do not have and cannot muster up. Even writing this blog has hit that point, so I am going to leave, in the middle of my thoughts and go to bed.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Humiliations for Cancer
As you know, my best friend’s mother has stage 4 colon cancer, which is being treated aggressively right now. So, it should come as no surprise, with cancer a real part of our lives today, that Travis and I are willing to do almost anything to support the Canadian Cancer Society through Relay for Life. Money raised for the Relay for Life goes to cancer research and patient care. Together, we CAN make cancer history!
We raised $380 at the yard sale on April 25th. We are having a second yard sale on May 1st (8-4, 1140 Douglas St). Thank you again for all the donations and purchases! We still have lots of great stuff!
However, we are also willing to humiliate ourselves IF you make it worth it financially. Offer a good enough donation, and we are in. Get together with your friends and loved ones, and make a donation! We will have the camera handy as we go as well! Please keep in mind that Relay for Life takes part in a public space. Of course, if you don’t feel the need to humiliate us, we will just accept donations! Our goal for this year is to raise at LEAST $2500. The team sits at about $600 known to me right now. Help us meet this goal!
Some Thoughts (please, use your imagination and come up with more!):
- Jenna will shave her head and donate her hair for a wig (minimum $50)
- Travis will wax his legs (as his head is shaved already) (minimum $50)
- Either of us will wear a bikini top around the track for an hour
- Travis is walking the entire 24 hours – pledge him by the hour, or by the lap! (not humiliating, I know, but amazing none the less!)
- The theme is Fighting Back – so if you have costumes for ninja’s or other fighting people, let us borrow them and we will wear them on the track!
- Be Creative! Humiliate us! The cause is worth it!
Thanks in advance for all your support – Relay for Life is only 2 weekends away! Support us!
You can donate in person or online. Here is the link to our team page!
http://relayforlife.kintera.org/faf/search/searchTeamPart.asp?ievent=330290&lis=1&kntae330290=9480799132364C34B5BD33D298F584A6&team=3602370
We raised $380 at the yard sale on April 25th. We are having a second yard sale on May 1st (8-4, 1140 Douglas St). Thank you again for all the donations and purchases! We still have lots of great stuff!
However, we are also willing to humiliate ourselves IF you make it worth it financially. Offer a good enough donation, and we are in. Get together with your friends and loved ones, and make a donation! We will have the camera handy as we go as well! Please keep in mind that Relay for Life takes part in a public space. Of course, if you don’t feel the need to humiliate us, we will just accept donations! Our goal for this year is to raise at LEAST $2500. The team sits at about $600 known to me right now. Help us meet this goal!
Some Thoughts (please, use your imagination and come up with more!):
- Jenna will shave her head and donate her hair for a wig (minimum $50)
- Travis will wax his legs (as his head is shaved already) (minimum $50)
- Either of us will wear a bikini top around the track for an hour
- Travis is walking the entire 24 hours – pledge him by the hour, or by the lap! (not humiliating, I know, but amazing none the less!)
- The theme is Fighting Back – so if you have costumes for ninja’s or other fighting people, let us borrow them and we will wear them on the track!
- Be Creative! Humiliate us! The cause is worth it!
Thanks in advance for all your support – Relay for Life is only 2 weekends away! Support us!
You can donate in person or online. Here is the link to our team page!
http://relayforlife.kintera.org/faf/search/searchTeamPart.asp?ievent=330290&lis=1&kntae330290=9480799132364C34B5BD33D298F584A6&team=3602370
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Emotions
Trip two to the counselor today. With me feeling less in love with Travis, and more just missing my friend, we came to some useful points of interest. I describe Travis with only negative terminology, and then I declare him my best friend. I call him my best friend because he is the ONLY person who has ever completely understood where my thoughts come from. He is the first person I have not had to explain myself too completely. Sometimes, I didn’t even have to speak at all. I knew that within an hour of us actually hanging out, and I have clung to that. I even admitted it then. With every breakup we had over the last year and a half, I always missed my best friend: he who understood me without question. Every fight we had, he was still the one I wanted to talk to, because I knew he understood where my feelings were at. I don’t have much good to describe when it comes to how he treated me, but I still feel so much for him. I love Travis, and if things had gone our way, I would marry him still. But, he has never been a good friend. Most days when I needed him the most, he wasn’t there. He let me down when he knew intrinsically how much I needed him there. Sometimes, I thanked him for it later because I learned to deal with whatever crisis on my own. However, there were many days when I knew I could do it on my own, but that didn’t make it the best way to do it. Travis’ friendship is important to me. Every time he was at my side, I felt not only complete, but I felt like I could do anything. I knew I had support. I knew I had a wonderful man at my side to catch and to coach me. Even now, I will not let you describe Travis negatively. He is confused and hurting, and I want to help him. I know that there is a wonderful man trapped inside him; that is the man I love. Time is passing, and with each day, a new reason to be single appears to me. I am slowly letting go of our relationship, but I do not want to yet let go of the friendship. I told Travis that I would be his friend, be it tomorrow or ten years down the road, and I plan to keep that promise. I believe that we can overcome where we are at right now, and become friends again. Friends without benefits; friends without hurt. I believe that with everything I am. We cannot work together, but we can be friends.
I also learned that I have never truly expressed my negative emotions towards anyone else. I should have known this, but it took my counselor describing an activity that she wants me to do someday, where you acknowledge your negative emotions towards others or work that you lock inside, and you learn to find productive ways to let it out. My dear reader, when was the last time you knew I was mad at you? Did you know because I told you and we talked about it, or because my body language changed? Did I ever acknowledge it to you? I doubt it. I hate fights, and I hate conflict. I tend to keep my thoughts that might cause that deep inside me. You might see that I am mad, but I will seem to get over it quickly. Is it gone, or did I just bury it inside me? Does the anger still burn inside me today? Probably. I don’t know if I will ever allow myself to tell you, but maybe I can find a way to let it out of me through writing. I do believe that talking about emotions and problems makes them no longer yours alone, and therefore, not nearly so stressful. I often write about these issues more than I talk about them though. That’s just as good of an avenue. I don’t think I need to tell you why I am mad at you, but I do need to recognize the emotion within myself and let it back out. I can see positive reasons to tell you about my anger or disappointment or whatever negative feeling I feel towards you or our relationship, but mostly, I see hurt and pain. I don’t want to cause people hurt and pain, so I keep it to myself.
I am going to do her exercise seriously, and hopefully talk to her about it all next week when I see her again. I also need to pick up my “bible” again, and start doing the exercises in there as well. I step over it to get to my computer, so at least ten times a day. I know I am exhausted and the thought of adding more to my mind takes away my motivation. But I cannot live like this anymore. I hate being this girl. I hate dragging my feet on everything I do. I just am having trouble finding the energy to make it better. Baby steps. Maybe I read my chapter today and do the exercise the next day. That’s still going forward. My counselor asked me today why I think that a friendship like the one I have with Travis (which is not the only one of that kind) is acceptable to me. I answered honestly because I have no self esteem and no self worth. I had those things, a mere year ago. It’s time I brought them back. I know that is something I need to do alone, and I need to do now. Where is my motivation when I need it? I sound motivated tonight, but I have a pounding headache and am exhausted and thinking about bed. Tomorrow, I say. Tomorrow will probably only bring another excuse though, and I know this in my heart and soul. I guess I am not low enough yet, but I am losing my will to fight quickly.
I start work on Monday, for five weeks. Something has to give before then. I have been working on being alive and awake for 8 consecutive hours, but by the end of it, I am entirely exhausted. I feel like my life already has too much going on in it, and I am not working at all! I am doing nothing! I don’t know how to find the energy and motivation to fix me, therefore, I currently cannot fix me, and that makes me sad.
I also learned that I have never truly expressed my negative emotions towards anyone else. I should have known this, but it took my counselor describing an activity that she wants me to do someday, where you acknowledge your negative emotions towards others or work that you lock inside, and you learn to find productive ways to let it out. My dear reader, when was the last time you knew I was mad at you? Did you know because I told you and we talked about it, or because my body language changed? Did I ever acknowledge it to you? I doubt it. I hate fights, and I hate conflict. I tend to keep my thoughts that might cause that deep inside me. You might see that I am mad, but I will seem to get over it quickly. Is it gone, or did I just bury it inside me? Does the anger still burn inside me today? Probably. I don’t know if I will ever allow myself to tell you, but maybe I can find a way to let it out of me through writing. I do believe that talking about emotions and problems makes them no longer yours alone, and therefore, not nearly so stressful. I often write about these issues more than I talk about them though. That’s just as good of an avenue. I don’t think I need to tell you why I am mad at you, but I do need to recognize the emotion within myself and let it back out. I can see positive reasons to tell you about my anger or disappointment or whatever negative feeling I feel towards you or our relationship, but mostly, I see hurt and pain. I don’t want to cause people hurt and pain, so I keep it to myself.
I am going to do her exercise seriously, and hopefully talk to her about it all next week when I see her again. I also need to pick up my “bible” again, and start doing the exercises in there as well. I step over it to get to my computer, so at least ten times a day. I know I am exhausted and the thought of adding more to my mind takes away my motivation. But I cannot live like this anymore. I hate being this girl. I hate dragging my feet on everything I do. I just am having trouble finding the energy to make it better. Baby steps. Maybe I read my chapter today and do the exercise the next day. That’s still going forward. My counselor asked me today why I think that a friendship like the one I have with Travis (which is not the only one of that kind) is acceptable to me. I answered honestly because I have no self esteem and no self worth. I had those things, a mere year ago. It’s time I brought them back. I know that is something I need to do alone, and I need to do now. Where is my motivation when I need it? I sound motivated tonight, but I have a pounding headache and am exhausted and thinking about bed. Tomorrow, I say. Tomorrow will probably only bring another excuse though, and I know this in my heart and soul. I guess I am not low enough yet, but I am losing my will to fight quickly.
I start work on Monday, for five weeks. Something has to give before then. I have been working on being alive and awake for 8 consecutive hours, but by the end of it, I am entirely exhausted. I feel like my life already has too much going on in it, and I am not working at all! I am doing nothing! I don’t know how to find the energy and motivation to fix me, therefore, I currently cannot fix me, and that makes me sad.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Lessons
I have changed a lot in the last two months, even more in the last five since I headed off to Ghana; it has been a year of change which is all hitting me now. I have seen more about human nature in the last several months, I have seen things I never wanted to see, never dreamed I would see. I have seen other sides of those I love, sides I never imagined existed. I have felt more anger, sadness, despair and happiness than I knew to be possble. I have said final goodbye’s to people I never thought would disappear. I have learned that when logic disagrees with my heart, logic should prevail (that might be harder to implement, but I will try). I have learned that promises mean more to me than they do others; I do not think a promise should ever be broken. I have learned that other’s will fail you, it is more important that you never fail yourself. Sadly, I have learned that you can really trust no one but yourself you look out for you in any way.
It has been a rough two weeks for me. Delayed grief towards loosing my grandmother, although never grief that she was gone. Friendships ending without a trace. Being failed. Being hurt and angry. Now I am trying to pull myeslf together once again. So much happened last week. I cannot process it all just yet.
In the last four months, I have seen a different side of you. Angry, violent, selfish, and indifferent come to mind. It scares me, but I cannot do anything to help you but to promise that I will be with you in whatever way you let me; to do my best to help you through the rough times. I feel sorry for you. You are in such a bad place right now, and you seem to be still making it worse. If I could change it all and make you happy, I would. All I want is for you to be happy, and to be my friend again. I don’t know how to do that, but if you try as well, I know we can do it together. In seeing this other side of you, some of my feelings have changed. I do not like the man who is appearing. I do not like him at all. But I do love the man inside, the one that is hurting too much to heal. You know where to find me if you want what I can offer you again. Until then, know that I think about you and I miss you.
My own anger. I expected more from you. I expected you to care. I watched you ignore me. Then you said I was ignoring you. I was right there, trying to look alive, trying not to show my anger on the day when it could not matter. You were not the important person that day. My anger was out of place, but still justified. So yes, I ignored you. I was merely trying to deal. It was the wrong place and time, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. I am still mad at you today. I don’t think you can right this wrong. Your procrastination makes it worse. The world does not revolve around you (it does not revolve around me either, it just revolves). You were selfish and unfair. You didn’t tell me what I needed to know. You let me find out through other sources. You assumed I knew. What if no one else told me? Times like that are when people normally pull together, not find a reason to be selfish.
Goodbyes. I guess some goodbyes can be final. I wasn’t sure they could. Just so you know, saying Goodbye, forever, pointblank is a very painful way to tell someone you are done. Don’t worry, I got the message. You will never hear from me again. Some friendships just aren’t made to last. So what do you do when a friendship has ended? I decided to quietly slip away was the correct answer. You don’t have to sever all ties. Afterall, someday you might think of them fondly. Can you still do that if you have severed all ties? Can you still do that when you know you will never talk to them again? I don’t think you can.
Can I be the girl I need to be? Right now, I still feel like I cannot, but today, I feel a little like trying. My efforts will not be noticed, I know this for a fact. But I know that the efforts inside me matter as much as the ones you would like to see.
It has been a rough two weeks for me. Delayed grief towards loosing my grandmother, although never grief that she was gone. Friendships ending without a trace. Being failed. Being hurt and angry. Now I am trying to pull myeslf together once again. So much happened last week. I cannot process it all just yet.
In the last four months, I have seen a different side of you. Angry, violent, selfish, and indifferent come to mind. It scares me, but I cannot do anything to help you but to promise that I will be with you in whatever way you let me; to do my best to help you through the rough times. I feel sorry for you. You are in such a bad place right now, and you seem to be still making it worse. If I could change it all and make you happy, I would. All I want is for you to be happy, and to be my friend again. I don’t know how to do that, but if you try as well, I know we can do it together. In seeing this other side of you, some of my feelings have changed. I do not like the man who is appearing. I do not like him at all. But I do love the man inside, the one that is hurting too much to heal. You know where to find me if you want what I can offer you again. Until then, know that I think about you and I miss you.
My own anger. I expected more from you. I expected you to care. I watched you ignore me. Then you said I was ignoring you. I was right there, trying to look alive, trying not to show my anger on the day when it could not matter. You were not the important person that day. My anger was out of place, but still justified. So yes, I ignored you. I was merely trying to deal. It was the wrong place and time, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. I am still mad at you today. I don’t think you can right this wrong. Your procrastination makes it worse. The world does not revolve around you (it does not revolve around me either, it just revolves). You were selfish and unfair. You didn’t tell me what I needed to know. You let me find out through other sources. You assumed I knew. What if no one else told me? Times like that are when people normally pull together, not find a reason to be selfish.
Goodbyes. I guess some goodbyes can be final. I wasn’t sure they could. Just so you know, saying Goodbye, forever, pointblank is a very painful way to tell someone you are done. Don’t worry, I got the message. You will never hear from me again. Some friendships just aren’t made to last. So what do you do when a friendship has ended? I decided to quietly slip away was the correct answer. You don’t have to sever all ties. Afterall, someday you might think of them fondly. Can you still do that if you have severed all ties? Can you still do that when you know you will never talk to them again? I don’t think you can.
Can I be the girl I need to be? Right now, I still feel like I cannot, but today, I feel a little like trying. My efforts will not be noticed, I know this for a fact. But I know that the efforts inside me matter as much as the ones you would like to see.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
My Grandmother’s funeral was today. It was only (well, only that I admitted it) at her graveside this morning, that I realized just how much she meant to me. She influenced me, she was always there. People described Grama as giving everything she had, and never stopping to worry about how it might affect her down the road. Sound familiar? It sounds to me just like me. I want people to have just as many nice things to say when I die as they did about my Grama. There was a slideshow of her life (very well done Ladies!) and as I watched it, I felt tears fill my eyes. Most of that was my life as well (ok, 25 of her 82 years included me). I remembered all the good times we had at the lake. I missed Grampa intensely for the first time in years. I almost wanted to say at my Grandmother’s funeral how much I missed her husband. Grampa died 12 years ago, and I still remember the influence he had on my life as well. I want to have a tablecloth for writing on. It would be perfect overseas in my adventures! This is not what Canadians do, but it is what my family does, and it is special to me. My aunt, uncle and cousin talked about what Grama meant to them. I smiled with the memories and cried as well. Yes, I was blessed with truly special Grandparents. I want my life to be as much a reflection of all they were to me, as my life is a reflection of who I am on my own.
Rest in Peace, my dear Grama. I love you. You mattered to me. I miss you. I will miss the cards, the blunt responses when I did wrong. If I ever get married, part of it will be empty, because there will be no one to create a poem about my life. Things I never thought I wanted, I want desperately now that you are gone. I am going to do my best to make you proud of me; I know you already are.
Today was really hard in many ways. I intensely missed my best friend. There were countless times I wanted to talk to him, where I knew he would understand how I was thinking or feeling, and I can think of no one else who would quite the same way. I know it was a family day, and that I could have talked to almost any of them about how I was feeling, but I didn’t. I kept it inside, because it seemed inappropriate to say to anyone but him. I guess I need to get over that. I felt some anger, that I don’t know how to express, but I know that a single text to him, consisting of no more than 5 words would say enough. Family gave me hugs, thinking I looked particularly sad. I don’t want to have to talk about why I am so sad. I was really more just out of it than anything. That and exhausted. I cannot seem to get over that exhaustion. I know I have to; I just… seem unable to do so.
I feel very angry, and I do not know how to get over it, or if I even should. I do not know how to deal with the emotions which are presenting themselves. So, in defense of my mental powers, I go to sleep. Sleep where I don’t have to process emotions, I don’t have to deal with the new or unexpected, or even the expected. Sleep, where everything is okay, because it is just a dream.
Rest in Peace, my dear Grama. I love you. You mattered to me. I miss you. I will miss the cards, the blunt responses when I did wrong. If I ever get married, part of it will be empty, because there will be no one to create a poem about my life. Things I never thought I wanted, I want desperately now that you are gone. I am going to do my best to make you proud of me; I know you already are.
Today was really hard in many ways. I intensely missed my best friend. There were countless times I wanted to talk to him, where I knew he would understand how I was thinking or feeling, and I can think of no one else who would quite the same way. I know it was a family day, and that I could have talked to almost any of them about how I was feeling, but I didn’t. I kept it inside, because it seemed inappropriate to say to anyone but him. I guess I need to get over that. I felt some anger, that I don’t know how to express, but I know that a single text to him, consisting of no more than 5 words would say enough. Family gave me hugs, thinking I looked particularly sad. I don’t want to have to talk about why I am so sad. I was really more just out of it than anything. That and exhausted. I cannot seem to get over that exhaustion. I know I have to; I just… seem unable to do so.
I feel very angry, and I do not know how to get over it, or if I even should. I do not know how to deal with the emotions which are presenting themselves. So, in defense of my mental powers, I go to sleep. Sleep where I don’t have to process emotions, I don’t have to deal with the new or unexpected, or even the expected. Sleep, where everything is okay, because it is just a dream.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Please
Mental Breakdowns. Depression. Suffocating. Overwhelming. This is my life in a nutshell today. I am at a family function; one of the few times we all pull together, and I cannot do it. There we were today, throwing our frustrations in the form of rocks into the water and I couldn’t bring myself to join in. I couldn’t even bring myself to be social with them. Next thing I knew, I was crying hysterically and they were all leaving me with some alone space on the shore. Bless them for that; they are much better than Ghanaians with giving personal space that’s for sure! But I wasn’t crying for why they thought I would be crying. I was crying tears that had welled up for a week; tears that I don’t know where came from; tears that poured out like I had nothing to loose. Well, I don’t really. Ok, that is not fair; each of you reading this is a reason to not give up. But I feel like giving up. I don’t know how to live properly anymore. I don’t know how to live with this depression. I am exhausted, all the time. I sleep for hours, wake up just as tired, but I cannot function anymore past that point when I crawl into bed. I don’t feel like my emotions are tied to my body; the emotions I feel do not make sense with my place or situation. I feel disconnected. I go to all these places, get ready for whatever today has in store, I even seem to enjoy myself, but I am not there. I don’t know where I am, but I know that I am not there. I keep telling those that ask that I am mentally lost as that is the best way I can come up with to tell them that I don’t feel like I am here at all. Sometimes, I don’t function enough and people notice, but I always just blame the exhaustion. It’s true, I am so very tired.
I am half tempted to head on home now; ignore the events of tomorrow which have brought us all here. I am too emotionally unstable to deal with it and I only feel bad when I do not cry for the same reasons as anyone else. Erin says it’s ok, no one needs to know but her and I, but I still don’t feel right. What if someone says something and I start to cry and cannot blame it on the correct situation? This is a time for family, not the individual. Everything I cry for is the individual. It’s all about me. And I can start crying at anytime. I have been holding it all in for so long. Today, I am just too tired to continue to hold it in. Today, I let the torrent of tears run down my face, and as I write this (and as I sat here doing nothing too) I feel the tears burning at the back of my eyes, just waiting for something in me to break, to let them free. I don’t know how I am supposed to do anything when I don’t know when tears will fall! I currently feel so totally helpless that I can’t think of a way that anything would make it better. I had to cancel my counseling appointment for this week, but I can see myself sitting in her office just feeling sorry for myself, and I know that will not help my mood. But I feel a little like I can no longer do anything. I get up everyday; I try to look functional everyday. What more do you want from me? I don’t have much else in me. Okay, I know it is worse today because my period starts in a couple days, and I know very well that it makes me needy. I also know it is worse because my allergies are acting up and I am tired from the cold as well. But right now, I feel so heavy that I don’t even feel like I could get off this chair and go to the bathroom if the need arose. And I do not know how to deal with it. I do not like the person living in my body, I just don’t know how to get rid of her. I don’t like her, but I have no strength to force the change that is needed. I know what is needed; I even know ways to deal with it. But it takes everything I have to live in this world that I don’t know how to go there. People say baby steps. All I have is functional steps.
I know you can all see ways that I can make it all better. Please share them! The support system I liked to call on has failed me yet again, and I feel left with nothing. Again, this is something I know to be false, deep inside, but I cannot reach the part of me that knows that. I don’t know how to talk about depression like this; I don’t know who to talk to either. I feel like such a burden on everyone I know. I do not like being a burden on anyone. I like to take on other people’s problems so that they feel better, but I do not know how to take on my own, and I do not really know how to release them to anyone new. Please help me. If I can merely find a way to stand, I will find a way to help myself. Please. Help me. I cannot help myself right now. Please help me.
I have a job for 5 weeks starting next week. I need to be able to do it. I need to be able to pull myself together, at least a little bit. And then, I need to get on with my dreams. But in this state, I fear I can do neither.
Please. Help me. Love me. And tell me so. I need to hear it, I need to see it. Help me learn to like me again, help me find the will to help me again.
I am half tempted to head on home now; ignore the events of tomorrow which have brought us all here. I am too emotionally unstable to deal with it and I only feel bad when I do not cry for the same reasons as anyone else. Erin says it’s ok, no one needs to know but her and I, but I still don’t feel right. What if someone says something and I start to cry and cannot blame it on the correct situation? This is a time for family, not the individual. Everything I cry for is the individual. It’s all about me. And I can start crying at anytime. I have been holding it all in for so long. Today, I am just too tired to continue to hold it in. Today, I let the torrent of tears run down my face, and as I write this (and as I sat here doing nothing too) I feel the tears burning at the back of my eyes, just waiting for something in me to break, to let them free. I don’t know how I am supposed to do anything when I don’t know when tears will fall! I currently feel so totally helpless that I can’t think of a way that anything would make it better. I had to cancel my counseling appointment for this week, but I can see myself sitting in her office just feeling sorry for myself, and I know that will not help my mood. But I feel a little like I can no longer do anything. I get up everyday; I try to look functional everyday. What more do you want from me? I don’t have much else in me. Okay, I know it is worse today because my period starts in a couple days, and I know very well that it makes me needy. I also know it is worse because my allergies are acting up and I am tired from the cold as well. But right now, I feel so heavy that I don’t even feel like I could get off this chair and go to the bathroom if the need arose. And I do not know how to deal with it. I do not like the person living in my body, I just don’t know how to get rid of her. I don’t like her, but I have no strength to force the change that is needed. I know what is needed; I even know ways to deal with it. But it takes everything I have to live in this world that I don’t know how to go there. People say baby steps. All I have is functional steps.
I know you can all see ways that I can make it all better. Please share them! The support system I liked to call on has failed me yet again, and I feel left with nothing. Again, this is something I know to be false, deep inside, but I cannot reach the part of me that knows that. I don’t know how to talk about depression like this; I don’t know who to talk to either. I feel like such a burden on everyone I know. I do not like being a burden on anyone. I like to take on other people’s problems so that they feel better, but I do not know how to take on my own, and I do not really know how to release them to anyone new. Please help me. If I can merely find a way to stand, I will find a way to help myself. Please. Help me. I cannot help myself right now. Please help me.
I have a job for 5 weeks starting next week. I need to be able to do it. I need to be able to pull myself together, at least a little bit. And then, I need to get on with my dreams. But in this state, I fear I can do neither.
Please. Help me. Love me. And tell me so. I need to hear it, I need to see it. Help me learn to like me again, help me find the will to help me again.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Update!
My doctor is happy with my increased dose of drugs, she is leaving me on it for the rest of my prescription (about a month and a half left) and then we will re-evaluate where I am at. She was excited that I am started counselling today. I have only been on the upped dose for 9 nights, so that’s not really enough. I told her that I felt a little less foggy, but still not right. I am okay enough with this adventure. I don’t like playing around with the drugs when I feel like shit! And my guess is that she pulls me off of these ones in favour of something else if I don’t improve this time, mostly because I am so tired. And the mix of a little upped drugs and some counselling is a good combination, and the fact that they are all done by me shows that I am trying in some way.
Counselling. Kelly is really nice, I quite like her. She is maybe 35? Probably not even that old. I was her second EVER appointment though, so... We talked a lot about Travis. He is really my biggest “problem” right now – because I cannot get over him, I cannot move on with my life in anyway. Trav is mixed in a little with how I am struggling with this society as well. I didn’t deal with negative emotions while I was in Ghana, so now they are... somehow worse. I would like for her to give more insight, but I guess it all does have to come from within me. I just want it to be easy! I am seeing her again next Thursday afternoon upon my return from Edmonton. I have two homework assignments: 1) Because going to the river is the one thing I can come up with that I enjoy doing, I need to find a way to bring it from a 5 on the enjoyment scale to a 5.5; 2) I need to brainstorm some ways to keep Trav in my life without loving him as I do – I told her straight up that although he might not be good to have in my life, I planned to keep him there, in some way! Really, quite some minor things to think about, but a little overwhelming. The river has always only been a 5; and I miss Travis! She did suggest that I try to distance myself from other people’s problems (as I make them my own) but I do not currently have the skills to do that
I applied for my job at CNC, but right now, I really don’t want it. Mom still thinks I have a good chance, and I probably do, but as Kelly said (my counsellor), I am very in tune with the negative but cannot see any positive. I know somewhere in me that the job would be good for me, but I am afraid. I am afraid that I am not mentally able, I am afraid that I will fail, I am afraid I will be fired. The entire thought of a job terrifies me and I am not sure why. Good thing I did most of the work on the resume when I first got home, otherwise it might have been too much work! I also used the same cover letter that I sent it in with last time! It’s the same job after all.... And yes, I know it is the depression that makes me afraid. We talked a little about why I threw up last week; she thinks anxiety on going back to work, I tend to agree. That doesn’t make it any easier to go back! She blamed the new environment and the new people. I didn’t tell her (although I should have) that I have done it all before with them.
Edmonton, here I come!
Counselling. Kelly is really nice, I quite like her. She is maybe 35? Probably not even that old. I was her second EVER appointment though, so... We talked a lot about Travis. He is really my biggest “problem” right now – because I cannot get over him, I cannot move on with my life in anyway. Trav is mixed in a little with how I am struggling with this society as well. I didn’t deal with negative emotions while I was in Ghana, so now they are... somehow worse. I would like for her to give more insight, but I guess it all does have to come from within me. I just want it to be easy! I am seeing her again next Thursday afternoon upon my return from Edmonton. I have two homework assignments: 1) Because going to the river is the one thing I can come up with that I enjoy doing, I need to find a way to bring it from a 5 on the enjoyment scale to a 5.5; 2) I need to brainstorm some ways to keep Trav in my life without loving him as I do – I told her straight up that although he might not be good to have in my life, I planned to keep him there, in some way! Really, quite some minor things to think about, but a little overwhelming. The river has always only been a 5; and I miss Travis! She did suggest that I try to distance myself from other people’s problems (as I make them my own) but I do not currently have the skills to do that
I applied for my job at CNC, but right now, I really don’t want it. Mom still thinks I have a good chance, and I probably do, but as Kelly said (my counsellor), I am very in tune with the negative but cannot see any positive. I know somewhere in me that the job would be good for me, but I am afraid. I am afraid that I am not mentally able, I am afraid that I will fail, I am afraid I will be fired. The entire thought of a job terrifies me and I am not sure why. Good thing I did most of the work on the resume when I first got home, otherwise it might have been too much work! I also used the same cover letter that I sent it in with last time! It’s the same job after all.... And yes, I know it is the depression that makes me afraid. We talked a little about why I threw up last week; she thinks anxiety on going back to work, I tend to agree. That doesn’t make it any easier to go back! She blamed the new environment and the new people. I didn’t tell her (although I should have) that I have done it all before with them.
Edmonton, here I come!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Jumble of Jenna
A jumble of thoughts race through my head, all of which need to be talked about, admitted and dealt with. So, here goes, for anyone who cares to read!
Travis told me tonight that I needed to have concise plans of what I hope to accomplish from Counselling (which starts for sure on Thursday – my counsellor sounded very nice on the phone, so I hope that I like her – I don’t want to play find the right counsellor at this point!). I don’t have a concise list, but I do have thoughts of things I need help to deal with.
1) I have self esteem issues (have always known this)
2) I have abandonment issues (first admitted to a year ago)
3) I need help with my grief of losing Travis and the family that he came with from my life in the way in which they were before - I need help to accept their new role
4) I need help allowing Trav to be my best friend. He is my best friend, I want him to stay that way, but I need help to get there. I still think of him as my fiancé and I know that I shouldn’t, but, I do.
5) I need help making friends.
6) I need help with wanting to live my life. I need help with reasons to get out of bed right now. I need help finding it in me to want to go back to work. I need help to live.
7) I need help with my culture shock of my own culture. I still think that Ghana has a better way of life than we do, and I struggle to want to try to fit into this society. I have never fit in, but at least I used to appear like I did.
8) Right now, I feel like I need help finding a career path that makes me happy – but I think that maybe that is just because I need help with so many other things. I also need to find a balance in my own dreams. I believe all of this comes from within me, I just don’t know how to find it right now.
Although I desperately want to adopt my baby from Ghana (10 points if you know the child’s name. It was a very sad realisation to know that only Travis cared enough when I talked about my baby to know his name, and to care that I wanted to do it), I think I have come to the conclusion that I cannot do it. I am struggling enough with culture shock, I cannot imagine what it would do to a child. I know that children are resilient and bounce back from such things, but I am not sure I can do it. Coming from a culture so vibrant to Western society where we say that showing your culture diminishes other cultures would be a sad way to live. The black population in Prince George is not big enough, not vibrant enough to be able to make up for what I cannot give him. I desperately want a family, and although I have enough love for my child that the absent father would not be as noticed, I would still know that I was failing him in some way. (DON’T DO THE YOU DO NOT FAIL HIM LECTURE!) I want a family. I want to do my best to give my children a full family experience. I believe that I did alright with a ‘broken family’ but I obviously do not want to start my family out that way! Because this child is already 5 years old, he will be at a disadvantage his entire life; he is already behind in school and he needs to learn English before he can really function in our society. At best, I could get him into public school at 8 or 9 years old! No. This is unfair to my child. So, I give up on making him my child, and let him stay in Ghana where he has 29 siblings who would do anything for him. And my heart breaks because I have let go. But, I am letting go for him. Bringing him to Prince George is solely for me. I don’t believe he would get nearly as much out of it as I would, and I cannot justify that. I will always love him, but I cannot bring him here.
I hung out with Travis’s son today (10 more points if you know his name). I miss that family so much. I got a big hug from the boy upon walking into the house, and then he wanted to cuddle as he fell asleep. I wanted dreadfully to cuddle him, but I knew that my heart couldn’t handle the inevitable pain that would bring. So, I kissed his forehead and left the room. He will always be my child as well.
But, being with these two boys and loving them the way I do, I realised that maybe my family doesn’t have to be biological at all. Yes, I would still like a child of my own, but maybe I can be completely happy with other people’s children. Maybe there is something I can do here in PG that will allow me that. I don’t want to be a foster parent, but maybe... something. I have been thinking that I might start volunteering at the soup kitchen on a regular basis, or something equal to that, so that I am reminded that I do matter, and even to strangers. I know I have said it before, but I say it again: family is wherever you find it. If home is where the heart is or where you hang your hat, then family is whoever you let be your family, whoever you care for. As I have been told a lot recently, I have a huge heart and I love unconditionally until proven (sometimes many times) that love is not deserved (if you are reading this, you have not yet proved to me that I should not love you with everything I have). I love, I trust, and I do it with everything I have. I cannot find it in me to be cruel or mean. I cannot ignore anyone. This is what makes me want to do humanitarian work; but who is to say I cannot do it in my home town. We have a huge homeless population; we have thousands of children in foster care. I can find something locally to allow me to help.
With my head slightly clearer from my upped drugs, I can think of these things. A job at CNC has been posted, to which everyone expects me to apply. I do not currently want to, but maybe I should. My finances are low(er) than normal. I need to move out to a place of my own (I need a roommate...), and I need income to do this. I want a new car, but not if I am going overseas. But, if I were to work at CNC for a year or two as the position requires, then I would have time to work all of this out. I know you would all think I had completely lost my mind if I left CNC to go work for Saint Vincent Du Paul’s or something, but it might be the best option for me. I don’t know right now. But I do know that CNC cannot offer me the life I want. If I were to adopt my baby, I would take it for a lifetime to be able to provide for him in the way he deserves, but I don’t think I am going to do that.
Travis told me tonight that I needed to have concise plans of what I hope to accomplish from Counselling (which starts for sure on Thursday – my counsellor sounded very nice on the phone, so I hope that I like her – I don’t want to play find the right counsellor at this point!). I don’t have a concise list, but I do have thoughts of things I need help to deal with.
1) I have self esteem issues (have always known this)
2) I have abandonment issues (first admitted to a year ago)
3) I need help with my grief of losing Travis and the family that he came with from my life in the way in which they were before - I need help to accept their new role
4) I need help allowing Trav to be my best friend. He is my best friend, I want him to stay that way, but I need help to get there. I still think of him as my fiancé and I know that I shouldn’t, but, I do.
5) I need help making friends.
6) I need help with wanting to live my life. I need help with reasons to get out of bed right now. I need help finding it in me to want to go back to work. I need help to live.
7) I need help with my culture shock of my own culture. I still think that Ghana has a better way of life than we do, and I struggle to want to try to fit into this society. I have never fit in, but at least I used to appear like I did.
8) Right now, I feel like I need help finding a career path that makes me happy – but I think that maybe that is just because I need help with so many other things. I also need to find a balance in my own dreams. I believe all of this comes from within me, I just don’t know how to find it right now.
Although I desperately want to adopt my baby from Ghana (10 points if you know the child’s name. It was a very sad realisation to know that only Travis cared enough when I talked about my baby to know his name, and to care that I wanted to do it), I think I have come to the conclusion that I cannot do it. I am struggling enough with culture shock, I cannot imagine what it would do to a child. I know that children are resilient and bounce back from such things, but I am not sure I can do it. Coming from a culture so vibrant to Western society where we say that showing your culture diminishes other cultures would be a sad way to live. The black population in Prince George is not big enough, not vibrant enough to be able to make up for what I cannot give him. I desperately want a family, and although I have enough love for my child that the absent father would not be as noticed, I would still know that I was failing him in some way. (DON’T DO THE YOU DO NOT FAIL HIM LECTURE!) I want a family. I want to do my best to give my children a full family experience. I believe that I did alright with a ‘broken family’ but I obviously do not want to start my family out that way! Because this child is already 5 years old, he will be at a disadvantage his entire life; he is already behind in school and he needs to learn English before he can really function in our society. At best, I could get him into public school at 8 or 9 years old! No. This is unfair to my child. So, I give up on making him my child, and let him stay in Ghana where he has 29 siblings who would do anything for him. And my heart breaks because I have let go. But, I am letting go for him. Bringing him to Prince George is solely for me. I don’t believe he would get nearly as much out of it as I would, and I cannot justify that. I will always love him, but I cannot bring him here.
I hung out with Travis’s son today (10 more points if you know his name). I miss that family so much. I got a big hug from the boy upon walking into the house, and then he wanted to cuddle as he fell asleep. I wanted dreadfully to cuddle him, but I knew that my heart couldn’t handle the inevitable pain that would bring. So, I kissed his forehead and left the room. He will always be my child as well.
But, being with these two boys and loving them the way I do, I realised that maybe my family doesn’t have to be biological at all. Yes, I would still like a child of my own, but maybe I can be completely happy with other people’s children. Maybe there is something I can do here in PG that will allow me that. I don’t want to be a foster parent, but maybe... something. I have been thinking that I might start volunteering at the soup kitchen on a regular basis, or something equal to that, so that I am reminded that I do matter, and even to strangers. I know I have said it before, but I say it again: family is wherever you find it. If home is where the heart is or where you hang your hat, then family is whoever you let be your family, whoever you care for. As I have been told a lot recently, I have a huge heart and I love unconditionally until proven (sometimes many times) that love is not deserved (if you are reading this, you have not yet proved to me that I should not love you with everything I have). I love, I trust, and I do it with everything I have. I cannot find it in me to be cruel or mean. I cannot ignore anyone. This is what makes me want to do humanitarian work; but who is to say I cannot do it in my home town. We have a huge homeless population; we have thousands of children in foster care. I can find something locally to allow me to help.
With my head slightly clearer from my upped drugs, I can think of these things. A job at CNC has been posted, to which everyone expects me to apply. I do not currently want to, but maybe I should. My finances are low(er) than normal. I need to move out to a place of my own (I need a roommate...), and I need income to do this. I want a new car, but not if I am going overseas. But, if I were to work at CNC for a year or two as the position requires, then I would have time to work all of this out. I know you would all think I had completely lost my mind if I left CNC to go work for Saint Vincent Du Paul’s or something, but it might be the best option for me. I don’t know right now. But I do know that CNC cannot offer me the life I want. If I were to adopt my baby, I would take it for a lifetime to be able to provide for him in the way he deserves, but I don’t think I am going to do that.
Friday, April 2, 2010
SunPeaks
Winter may not have shown itself in a while in towns, but here at SunPeaks, winter is still happening, however the dull hue of Spring has hit even the beautiful slopes here. Runs closed because of no snow, but snow falling anyways. Today was a blizzard, only a couple inches, and SO SUPER Windy! the wind was really cold, made me glad I missed winter! But with the new snow, I found my mojo and learned how to snowboard again. I was no longer miles behind Mom, but flying down the mountain just a little behind here. She did force me down a black diamond though, full of mogels. I managed half of it before they got big and the mountain went steeper. At this point, I went for a great sliding ride on my bum, being tossed between mogels! Boy was it fun! Probably my best run of the day! lol
I forgot my camera :-( I wanted to take pictures of the hill and Dad and Tami and what not. I also forgot my cell charger, so I am trying to not use i, but I am so used to it! Oh well. Technology.
I think my drug upping is helping. I feel a little clearer today than I have for a while. I even had fun today! Yesterday I started the day off vomitting, which was a fun way to go for 3 hours of work! When I had a cuppa tea my stomach settled a little but work was over. A whooping three hours! But it was enough. I was exhausted. Of course, a little too little sleep didn't help but....
Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that even SunPeaks can be ugly and that I am feeling slightly better. I am ready to see my counsellor on Thursday though.
<3 Love you!
I forgot my camera :-( I wanted to take pictures of the hill and Dad and Tami and what not. I also forgot my cell charger, so I am trying to not use i, but I am so used to it! Oh well. Technology.
I think my drug upping is helping. I feel a little clearer today than I have for a while. I even had fun today! Yesterday I started the day off vomitting, which was a fun way to go for 3 hours of work! When I had a cuppa tea my stomach settled a little but work was over. A whooping three hours! But it was enough. I was exhausted. Of course, a little too little sleep didn't help but....
Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that even SunPeaks can be ugly and that I am feeling slightly better. I am ready to see my counsellor on Thursday though.
<3 Love you!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)