Pain. Justification. Forgiveness. Opportunity to hurt again and again.
This does not sound like a healthy sequence of events. It is the cycle I use again and again. And again and again, I hurt, often by the same people, doing the same thing. Why do I justify your actions, your thoughts? My counselor and I decided it was a strategy to ease the pain, but when I pointed out that the same thing could happen again and again, and I would justify it away, we decided that there must be more to my strategy than to soften the blows. However, I think it is a fault, which I need to work on and make it go away. It might be a short term solution but it causes more problems down the road. I asked, knowing that she couldn't answer me. I asked, “how does one stop habits and responses which are so imbedded we don't even realize they are there?” She said that I was, of course, right. She couldn't answer that. Each person needs to work through that on their own. The first step is knowing that they are there.
I have two thoughts here. The first being that I do not like to show emotion. Perhaps you laughed at that – I do share a lot, but I don't often share the emotions within. I don't think I know how to show happy emotions – I guess they are basic, everyday emotions for normal people. Obviously I do smile, and laugh. The thing is, I do that when tears are in my eyes as well. Heaven forbid if someone would see those tears and care! I am so used to “no one caring” that I am not sure how it would be if someone said their did care. I learned when I was in my early teens how to hide the true feelings, and they have never surfaced again. When talking to my counselor about emotions, I told her that I didn't like to express negative emotions because I thought they were socially unacceptable. Besides, who wants to hear about my woe is me story? So, I don't know how to express happiness without it seeming like a mask. I don't know how to express negative emotions because I am afraid that no one wants to hear, or that I will be looked down on. I hope you can see the problems for emotional expression within these thoughts.
My second problem is that I “care too much about others.” Although this trait has the possibility of doing amazing things, it also does some very detrimental things to me as well. Your problems are my problems. I hate the emotion anger – I don't like to express it, I don't like to see it. When anger is shown, I shrink. I apologize. I find ways to help. And, I very quickly seek forgiveness. When the anger is my own, I talk myself out of it. I never say a word to you. And then, I justify your actions which made me so angry. I do not justify my own thoughts. I make the emotion dissipate before I will talk to you again, but, no matter how much if hurts, I let my own emotions go with no value or second thoughts. When you are angry at me, I feel like a failure. Sometimes, I feel this way when you are just mad in general. I go out of my way to make it better, but I never tell you how I feel about it. You never know how much I hated myself because you were not perfect. It doesn't matter what you do or say. I will justify your behavior, and I will feel down myself as a result.
Did you know that every time you say “oh I can't make it today” I think it is because I have done something to annoy you, or that I think that you do not wish to see me at all? And since that is a painful thought, I find all the “real” reasons that you can't come, or all the reasons you would say such a painful thing, whatever it was. I don't think I am special. I don't think I would want to hang out with me, if I was someone else. Although I thank God everyday for having special people in my life, I do not feel like I deserve them. I already know the reasons why you wouldn't want to be my friend, so it's easy to justify when you walk away.
Now that you have read into me a little, do you still want to be my friend?
I know my 'condition' fairly well. I have techniques I can fight it down with. I am working on changing my thoughts to positive thoughts instead of the negative that are the first to jump to life. I try to suppress the negative thoughts, but I realize I do it through justification. Does that help us here? I know that the negative thoughts are merely a pattern, and I know it can be changed. However, I obviously chose the wrong strategy. Perhaps I only choose a strategy which was already familiar to me. I can see it is not working. So it's time for a new strategy. An obvious one from this post, is to express emotion. With this, I am terrified that I will become some public emotional rollarcoaster, on display for the world to see. I am terrified that you will see me for how I really am, and that you won't like me anymore. And after at least 12 years of hiding the emotion ravaging my body, I am just afraid to express it. I honestly don't feel I know how to.
Maybe, I should just start slowly. Maybe if I express the feelings in my blog, then if they involve someone, hopefully they will not be too hurt, and we can talk it through. I do well with writing skills (even if I have no grammar!!). Writing is a safe place for me. But, I still do not want to offend anybody but speaking my emotions. That is yet another fear for me. I don't want people to hurt the way I hurt inside. But, if I write of general situations and my emotions, that would also be a big start. Why are emotions such taboo in this society?
The justification needs to stop, or at least be lessened. I can see several examples in the last nine months since I came home from Ghana. Sometimes, when I do express emotion, I have other people throw their justifications right back at me, and again, I blame myself. Don't worry, I know I am too sensitive as well! I am full of faults. Most of them I am very aware of!
On a slightly different side of this problem, I learned a lot of techniques in my recent Train The Tutor program that I think I can apply to my life. The techniques were for teaching an adult learner to read and write, or other literacy skills, but some of them, I think you can apply to anything. As a tutor of adult learners, you have to remember that people come with baggage as adults, and that whatever issues they have in life, affect their learning. We did activities from their point of view where we had to learn to read something that looked like gobbley goop! My mental health is an adult learner, coming to learn new ideas and ways to learn. I am the tutor. I need to work with the existing problems while prodding in the right direction. I know that isn't sounding amazing, but yesterday in my mind, it was crystal clear. I could see the ways that the techniques applied to every aspect of life. I think the biggest thing was that we are both learner and tutor at various times.
I know this, like my depression and abandonment issues, is something I have to work on alone, but I think you should be aware of what is coming. Maybe not while I am in Ghana; you never know what Ghana will do to you! But, if last time was anything to note, it will turn my happy emotions back into my head with vigor! However, I know that nothing inside my mental health actually changes in Ghana – I just feel happier and have a place to show it. I do not make any of the changes that are needed inside my thought patterns, and this is what needs to happen. But boy do I love the emotional vacation I find in Ghana, with my heart full of love for 30 of the world's best children! I have one more counseling session before I leave the country. Every time, we dig way inside of me, and I come out aware, and hurting. I know it is a good hurt, the kind that opens doors to a healthier future, but it also seems to make me aware of how much I have failed myself.
I love you. Thank you.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
CELTA tears
I don't know if I can do this. I am not sure this is right for me. I was so confident, and so ready, and now, I am not so sure. And I am freaking out a little, because I don't know if I can do this, and it was my newest direction.
For starters, I would start teaching on January 11th, having started the program on January 10th. However, we only teach about 45 minutes a day, although we are in class for two and a half hours. We always have six people watching us and taking notes on us. The days are 9:15 am until probably 10 at night, although we leave the school at 6 pm. Every night we will have to plan a lesson plan for the next day, she says that will take 3-4 hours a night. For the weekends, we are given a written assignment to be handed in on Monday. All in all, we only get 6 hours of teaching, and we get to watch an experienced teacher for 6 hours as well.
If I want to help with literacy in Ghana, this program will not be enough. However, I do start the literacy program on Monday here in town. That's not a huge concern, I don't know where I am going really.
Next and major problem is that apparently I have no grammar skills. I thought they were fairly high, but apparently, I suck. Did you know that any sentence that starts with I wish and has a present tense in it i.e. “I wish I didn't go” makes it present tense? How many times have you said something like that about an event in the past? I know I say it all the time. Did you know that “I wish I never went” is slang? Your correct wording should be “I wish I hadn't gone.” I really struggled with this part of our conversation. “I wish I didn't go” made perfect sense to me. Did you know that the reason it is “I fell a lot” and not “I was falling a lot” (which I knew to be wrong) is because “was falling a lot” is called a past progressive, and means that it takes a longer amount of time than just to fall? Did you know that “skiing” could be both a noun and a verb? I didn't realize that by adding an “ing” to a sport or activity can make it a noun. Therefore, if I ask you “do you want to go skiing?” I am not asking if you want to do a verb, but a noun instead. I am still struggling with the logic in that along with the “I wish” scenario. I know that when I was told to put the stresses on a bunch of words, I had no idea where those belonged. In fact, if I remember way back to when I filled this application out, I knew I had don't poorly on it, because it was stuff I don't think I ever learned! Apparently, I am supposed to know all these things, and the fact that I don't makes me a bad grammar person.
The long and the short is that if I do not bring my grammar way up before January, I will fail the program. I also struggle with explaining why I use one word over another. She suggested some grammar workbooks, which I have to go through and teach myself grammar before the program starts. But, she did offer me a seat in the program. I have to let her know by Monday. She stressed that although my grammar sucked (okay, she said my grammar was poor), the course does go through other things as well, and although grammar is a big part, it is not everything. She was confident about the rest of it. However, I am no longer so sure. I have ten days before I leave, I can work on my grammar a lot in those ten days. But will I work on it enough in Ghana that it is worth it? Chapters sells the books for about $30. I could go today and hopefully pick it up. What if it is not in stock? Then I am screwed! Maybe if Chapters doesn't have it, Books and Company will – I know they have an ESL cafe night every Tuesday, and ESLers would need the book too, I am sure! Guess I have a mission for today. Head on out and buy some books, and sit down and start learning my grammar. The other option is that I turn down this seat, and think of a new future. Of course, as I realize that maybe I am not really cut out of this, I remember that I don't really want this on it's own. I want what comes at the end of this program, and my time spent overseas. I want to live a productive life, helping people, in a poor country where I am living happily. And I cannot do that unless I have 5 years overseas. I need CELTA to do that. I still want all of that. I still want to be out there, I still want to live amongst the world's poorest people, who are also, coincidentally, the world's happiest people. But, is CELTA right for me? Can I do this? I am not sure. There is a lot that scares the shit out of me about this course. I am that shy person that she suggests has trouble with the program, because they are up in front of people teaching on day 2. I don't even like public speaking! I get nervous, and my face goes bright red, and everyone knows that I am struggling with being there. How am I going to do this? How?
As I write this, I am trying to convince myself that I can do this. I am trying to tell myself that I can learn my grammar skills, and that I can teach on day two. I am trying to convince myself that it will be okay. But if I fail CELTA, I have lost at least $2500 and achieved nothing.
What do I do? What road should I take? How do I do this?
For starters, I would start teaching on January 11th, having started the program on January 10th. However, we only teach about 45 minutes a day, although we are in class for two and a half hours. We always have six people watching us and taking notes on us. The days are 9:15 am until probably 10 at night, although we leave the school at 6 pm. Every night we will have to plan a lesson plan for the next day, she says that will take 3-4 hours a night. For the weekends, we are given a written assignment to be handed in on Monday. All in all, we only get 6 hours of teaching, and we get to watch an experienced teacher for 6 hours as well.
If I want to help with literacy in Ghana, this program will not be enough. However, I do start the literacy program on Monday here in town. That's not a huge concern, I don't know where I am going really.
Next and major problem is that apparently I have no grammar skills. I thought they were fairly high, but apparently, I suck. Did you know that any sentence that starts with I wish and has a present tense in it i.e. “I wish I didn't go” makes it present tense? How many times have you said something like that about an event in the past? I know I say it all the time. Did you know that “I wish I never went” is slang? Your correct wording should be “I wish I hadn't gone.” I really struggled with this part of our conversation. “I wish I didn't go” made perfect sense to me. Did you know that the reason it is “I fell a lot” and not “I was falling a lot” (which I knew to be wrong) is because “was falling a lot” is called a past progressive, and means that it takes a longer amount of time than just to fall? Did you know that “skiing” could be both a noun and a verb? I didn't realize that by adding an “ing” to a sport or activity can make it a noun. Therefore, if I ask you “do you want to go skiing?” I am not asking if you want to do a verb, but a noun instead. I am still struggling with the logic in that along with the “I wish” scenario. I know that when I was told to put the stresses on a bunch of words, I had no idea where those belonged. In fact, if I remember way back to when I filled this application out, I knew I had don't poorly on it, because it was stuff I don't think I ever learned! Apparently, I am supposed to know all these things, and the fact that I don't makes me a bad grammar person.
The long and the short is that if I do not bring my grammar way up before January, I will fail the program. I also struggle with explaining why I use one word over another. She suggested some grammar workbooks, which I have to go through and teach myself grammar before the program starts. But, she did offer me a seat in the program. I have to let her know by Monday. She stressed that although my grammar sucked (okay, she said my grammar was poor), the course does go through other things as well, and although grammar is a big part, it is not everything. She was confident about the rest of it. However, I am no longer so sure. I have ten days before I leave, I can work on my grammar a lot in those ten days. But will I work on it enough in Ghana that it is worth it? Chapters sells the books for about $30. I could go today and hopefully pick it up. What if it is not in stock? Then I am screwed! Maybe if Chapters doesn't have it, Books and Company will – I know they have an ESL cafe night every Tuesday, and ESLers would need the book too, I am sure! Guess I have a mission for today. Head on out and buy some books, and sit down and start learning my grammar. The other option is that I turn down this seat, and think of a new future. Of course, as I realize that maybe I am not really cut out of this, I remember that I don't really want this on it's own. I want what comes at the end of this program, and my time spent overseas. I want to live a productive life, helping people, in a poor country where I am living happily. And I cannot do that unless I have 5 years overseas. I need CELTA to do that. I still want all of that. I still want to be out there, I still want to live amongst the world's poorest people, who are also, coincidentally, the world's happiest people. But, is CELTA right for me? Can I do this? I am not sure. There is a lot that scares the shit out of me about this course. I am that shy person that she suggests has trouble with the program, because they are up in front of people teaching on day 2. I don't even like public speaking! I get nervous, and my face goes bright red, and everyone knows that I am struggling with being there. How am I going to do this? How?
As I write this, I am trying to convince myself that I can do this. I am trying to tell myself that I can learn my grammar skills, and that I can teach on day two. I am trying to convince myself that it will be okay. But if I fail CELTA, I have lost at least $2500 and achieved nothing.
What do I do? What road should I take? How do I do this?
Monday, October 18, 2010
2010 Rocked my Socks!
I watched a church session on TV while visiting some friends yesterday, and the preacher said some things that made a lot of sense and have stuck with me. He talked about the 'winds of life: the tailwind, the crosswind and the headwind'. We were reminded that head winds held challenge for us, and although very trying, success against the headwind provided the most beneficial results. The crosswind blows us off course sometimes, but sometimes you find what you never knew you were missing while you are off that course. The tailwind, the man warned, was the most dangerous wind for people. Life is going great, everything is easy, we stop trying to work on ourselves or our lives, because suddenly, they do not look like they need help. However, all winds are only temporary, and when you stop paying attention during the tail wind, the other winds seem so much stronger and more like punishment. I know I have felt like this. I can't count the amount of times I have said “every time I stand back up, I am immediately knocked back down.” I still want to justify my thoughts, because I think that with Depression, I am still trying hard even when the headwind changes to a tailwind, but I also can see that because life is not quite as bad, I do stop trying as hard. Interesting. I had never thought about it like that until yesterday. Now that it is something I am aware of, I need to be more conscious about my actions. I am very aware that I am in charge of my responses and reactions to the events in my life, and for the last year, I have been trying to keep myself out of trouble by talking gently to myself, and reacting in a more positive way. You cannot control the winds, but you can control your actions when the wind direction changes.
I know I am two and a half months early, but I think that 2010 has been a great year, maybe even an amazing year. I see you scrolling through my blog right now, wondering how I got to this conclusion considering the amount of hurt entries you have read. At the same time, I see you smiling, because you are happy that I can feel that way despite of everything. I climbed a jagged, steep mountain for many months. It cut and bruised me. I stumbled. Sometimes, I had to climb the steep parts again. But, I have made it to the top, and I can see the world. I see another steep climb in the future, but, the valley before I get there only has minor ups and downs, compared with the mountain I climbed this year.
In 2010, I have found true friends. Many of these friends have been around for many years, I just never opened my eyes enough to notice that they were always there for me. Some of them I have known for years, but didn't realize that we had a friendship until this year. Some were lost to me, and we have been reconnected. And yes, I have made new friends this year! I end every day being thankful for my friends, my family, and anyone who loves me! I pray for each and everyone of you every night before I go to sleep. I know I still claim to have no friends, but I know that I have amazing ones when I admit it to myself. So today, thank you. You mean the world to me!
In 2010, I found a life path. When I can make myself think about it (which is not when I have a headwind). I am going to Ghana in 17 days (you will have to check my other blog for Ghana information! Hahahhahahha). I just emailed CELTA to make sure they are going to interview me soon. This week would work so much better for me than next week! Next week I am going to take a course here in PG. It is called Train the Tutor, and it teaches adults how to teach literacy skills to other adults. I am pretty excited for it. And then! It is practically time to get on my plane!
Yes, my life is definitely on a good route right now. And don't worry, I am still working on everything I need to work on, not just riding this tailwind! In many ways, I am incredibly thankful for Travis as well. He allowed many of the greatest people into my life, and even though he might not like it now, that's no longer my concern. I have an amazing nephew who makes my heart smile just to be near him. He makes me laugh so hard. He is a little disappointed right now, because I told him that I wouldn't see him until after Santa came, and he thinks I should see him before then. He wants me to be with him on Halloween at Grammy and Papa's house, but I just don't think I can swing that trip. He will forget, but still. Marlene and Derek are amazing too. I love hanging out with them, and chatting with them. I feel like I can tell them anything and everything. And I feel so at home when I am with them! His family (even his aunts and uncles) are sure to tell me that they still think about me, and that I am always welcome. It always makes me smile, because I fell in love with his entire family the first time I met them as well! I know Trav doesn't like it, but people make friends with whoever they want. It takes two people to make a friendship, so the fact that I still want that friendship and it is still happening doesn't make it my doing alone.
I am having nightmares again (still?). I don't remember them as clearly as I remember my slasher dreams that started last year in Ghana, and I don't run screaming until I find someone alive, but I do wake up a little concerned. This last week they have been more nightmare-ish though. I know I have woken up after each one and stayed awake for a little while before I go back to sleep. Someone suggested that if I actually read the information packets that come with my drugs I might realize that this is normal. But, I never do that! That's silly!
Much love!
don't forget that everything Ghana in found at jennamcallister.blogspot.com
I know I am two and a half months early, but I think that 2010 has been a great year, maybe even an amazing year. I see you scrolling through my blog right now, wondering how I got to this conclusion considering the amount of hurt entries you have read. At the same time, I see you smiling, because you are happy that I can feel that way despite of everything. I climbed a jagged, steep mountain for many months. It cut and bruised me. I stumbled. Sometimes, I had to climb the steep parts again. But, I have made it to the top, and I can see the world. I see another steep climb in the future, but, the valley before I get there only has minor ups and downs, compared with the mountain I climbed this year.
In 2010, I have found true friends. Many of these friends have been around for many years, I just never opened my eyes enough to notice that they were always there for me. Some of them I have known for years, but didn't realize that we had a friendship until this year. Some were lost to me, and we have been reconnected. And yes, I have made new friends this year! I end every day being thankful for my friends, my family, and anyone who loves me! I pray for each and everyone of you every night before I go to sleep. I know I still claim to have no friends, but I know that I have amazing ones when I admit it to myself. So today, thank you. You mean the world to me!
In 2010, I found a life path. When I can make myself think about it (which is not when I have a headwind). I am going to Ghana in 17 days (you will have to check my other blog for Ghana information! Hahahhahahha). I just emailed CELTA to make sure they are going to interview me soon. This week would work so much better for me than next week! Next week I am going to take a course here in PG. It is called Train the Tutor, and it teaches adults how to teach literacy skills to other adults. I am pretty excited for it. And then! It is practically time to get on my plane!
Yes, my life is definitely on a good route right now. And don't worry, I am still working on everything I need to work on, not just riding this tailwind! In many ways, I am incredibly thankful for Travis as well. He allowed many of the greatest people into my life, and even though he might not like it now, that's no longer my concern. I have an amazing nephew who makes my heart smile just to be near him. He makes me laugh so hard. He is a little disappointed right now, because I told him that I wouldn't see him until after Santa came, and he thinks I should see him before then. He wants me to be with him on Halloween at Grammy and Papa's house, but I just don't think I can swing that trip. He will forget, but still. Marlene and Derek are amazing too. I love hanging out with them, and chatting with them. I feel like I can tell them anything and everything. And I feel so at home when I am with them! His family (even his aunts and uncles) are sure to tell me that they still think about me, and that I am always welcome. It always makes me smile, because I fell in love with his entire family the first time I met them as well! I know Trav doesn't like it, but people make friends with whoever they want. It takes two people to make a friendship, so the fact that I still want that friendship and it is still happening doesn't make it my doing alone.
I am having nightmares again (still?). I don't remember them as clearly as I remember my slasher dreams that started last year in Ghana, and I don't run screaming until I find someone alive, but I do wake up a little concerned. This last week they have been more nightmare-ish though. I know I have woken up after each one and stayed awake for a little while before I go back to sleep. Someone suggested that if I actually read the information packets that come with my drugs I might realize that this is normal. But, I never do that! That's silly!
Much love!
don't forget that everything Ghana in found at jennamcallister.blogspot.com
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Ghana Fundraising Ideas?
As I walked to the tanning salon this afternoon, I had so many ideas about fund-raising for the orphanage. My biggest concern is that I wouldn't be able to pull it off. I think we might need a well, which is something that I know that people would be willing to help with. Everyone deserves safe drinking water! I know that I alone can not raise the ten grand that would be needed to dig a well (that's just a number I think we all associate with digging a well, so it's what I chose), but I could make a big dint right? Because I am pretty much the only one I know in this area (there is Bill in Vernon, I could maybe rope him into helping me - most of the main fundraisers are in the States or Europe). I think I am afraid of asking people for help. I am sure a lot of people would help me with this, but I guess the first problem is I don't know where to turn to! Or how to go about a 'big' thing! Please help me! Encourage me, give me ideas and ways about them! And then, please help me when I need help if I get an event on the go!
Thoughts so far:
bake sale – maybe at a craft fair next season (I won't be here for this season) or the farmers' market?
sell calendars of the children (I could make them at Walmart for 18 bucks a piece...) (for 2012?)
sell t-shirts or coffee mugs with the orphanage logo on them?
raffle a blanket or something with photos of the children (Walmart does these, but they are like $90 bucks!)
would I need a lotto license?
garage sale (what about my cancer fundraisers?)
If I had a store that would support my efforts, they could promote the items I am selling or raffling – could also have the scrapbooks there
Stores I think MIGHT help
Africa Cafe
Taste buds
Other small restaurants? It is hard to do corporate since I am essentially a nobody!
Where else?
have stuff 'mass' made at another non-Walmart location? Where? Anyone have any 'connections'?
Andrea has an E-bay account set up – I could do similar where we sell the things? Is that worth it?
Part of Black History month?
A booth at CNC's Gala dinner?
YIKES! Multiple presentations around town?
I could probably convince Foothills Elementary (since I am there every week) to help collect pennies or something from the students if I did a presentation for them about the kids and the lack of safe drinking water – is that cheating? Getting the children involved?
Do an evening fundraiser – maybe can get a band to help out for entertainment? But what else would we do?
Is there something I am good at making that I could sell? I knit but not very fast! I can't currently think of anything else!
So, as you can see, I have lots of half thought out ideas, but I am not sure how much I can pull off!!! HELP ME! Please?
a Not so Lame Update!
Hello my friends! How are you today? I am pretty good today, although a late night mixed with an 'early' morning has made me sleepy and headachey, so I might take a nap soon, but, I thought I would update you on my life again. And since you thought my last update was so incredibly lame, I thought I would try to do better! :P
I had an incredible birthday yesterday!! My day started with being woken up by text message birthday wishes, but without meaning to, I turned my phone off and went back to sleep. I find that really easy to do on this phone – it is ridiculous how often I find my phone off! At 11 I headed to the school to see Mr. Nickolas, in the start of our 4th year together. We were baking back to school cookies, and of course, I brought some games to play in between. He pretty much did all the 'work' this time. I turned the oven on, but he was in charge of putting the cookies in when the light went off and taking them out when I declared that time was up. He read the instructions and everything. He is getting so big! Sometimes I forget that he is in Grade 5. He asked me how long I would be his friend for. I tried to explain that technically the program we are in ends when he finishes grade 7. He looked so sad! I told him that I was pretty sure (and I am pretty sure, I wasn't just making stuff up!) that I thought that as long as we were both still in town (I said that in every thing), there is an option to carry onto to the traditional program when he outgrows the in school program. The difference would be that it would be in the community not at the school. I know there was talk of this program, But I think I also heard that it hadn't been a huge success. At any rate, I don't really plan to be here by then, I just didn't have the heart to tell him that yesterday, especially when I don't know for sure what I am doing. He also looked so sad when I told him that I was going back to Africa. I promised it would be for less time than last year (it is), and then I promised him a cool present from Africa. He smiled at that, but still. How special is this relationship? Obviously, I mean a lot to him. It is a common theme in my life that I love and thrive off of being someone special to those I care about. I thrive off of helping people. I told my counselor yesterday that I think I like hanging out with children more than adults because you know the relationship is special, and you know that you are having an effect on their lives. With adults, you know they care, but we often don't tell people how much we need or love them. The words “I love you” are almost so common in this society. I say them all the time, but I mean them – I love everyone, and every time I say it, it is because they have done something to make me feel the need to remind them how much I care about them!
Anyways, I got totally sidetracked in that! Nickolas and I baked cookies, and he made me laugh so hard. We are at a stage where we can “tease” each other a little. We burnt one batch of cookies, and blame each other! He said it was my fault because I didn't let him take them out when they were still gooey! Brat! Hehehehe. He is such a cute kid. We only have 4 more meetings this year – he wants to bake for them all. I said no, but that we would definitely bake again. He wants to make jello. I said I would look into how to make jello shapes out of the cookie cutters I bought last year to make Africa cookies. But, even if we just make a pan of jello, that would be fun for him. Then he can share it with his class still, because I do not want jello! I think I will find us a craft again – maybe something do to with Africa again too, I am not sure yet. Next week I think we are just going to find something to do – outside, on the computer, or out of the activity box.
I think this year when I travel, I will do the “email pen pal” idea instead of the mailed version. Then I can send him real updates of my life in Africa. I enjoy that I can stay in touch with him so easily while I am away, even if he never writes back. I am trying to decide if I want to send Nathaniel a post card or something, so he knows I haven't forgotten about him too. I have a Christmas present for both (a bar of soap (homemade) with a grow-a-spiderman inside. Both boys love Spiderman!) which I think I will probably give to them in January when I see them. I am hoping to see Nickolas for the one week before school starts.
Have I told you about school lately? They misread my application and thought that I lived in Vancouver and wanted me to come in for an interview last week. Then they called me and told me that I didn't live in Vancouver like they thought. They are supposed to call me before I leave – I was sure to give them the date I am leaving the country – to do an over the phone interview. If I haven't heard from them by the end of next week, I will give them a shout. When I was talking to the lady it didn't really sound like it would be a problem to get into the program – I am not sure what the interview is about though. The one that was held in Vancouver last week was a group interview. She also commented on how early I had applied for January, which was when I told her I was leaving the country in November so, it wasn't really early for my situation.
I am avoiding calling the church, and I am not sure why. I have thought about it, I have looked up their phone number, but I have not made the call. Right now, I don't feel like doing it I guess. I know I have to, I am just dragging my heals. I will try today. I also need to call the lady again – but it would be nice to do coffee with her after church or something! Make it a one day affair!
Wow, I am so easily sidetracked! I was going to tell you about my birthday and how amazing it felt! So, after I saw Nickolas, I headed off to the swimming pool. I only had an hour for my swim, and I barely did my 2 kms in that hour. I was a little disappointed in myself, but still felt good. After about 45 minutes, I decided I wanted to swim 2.6 kms in honour of my 26th birthday, however, that was another kilometer that was needed, and I certainly didn't have time for that! Immediately after swimming, I went down to my counseling appointment. We had a good session, it is a little odd to hear someone 'tell' you all about you, but I am getting used to it. She is pretty much just reiterating my words (but it sounds better when she says it!) and then asking why I feel the way I do about whatever situation. It is good to hear it, and almost have it justified. Not justified in a bad, self-preserving way, but in a now that you know the 'problem' you can work on changing it kind of justified. I am sorry that I only have such a short time with this counselor, I think her and I could get far, but she is only at the clinic until December. However, we still have four more weeks to cover my issues.
After counseling, I headed home to start dinner. Joel came down for dinner – he said he hadn't eaten a real meal since the last time we fed him! Him, mom and I had a great dinner, and then we all had to leave: Mom off to the gym, Joel off to do homework, and me off to the rest of my adventures! Randy, Sam and I headed down to Third where the Concerns of Royalty were playing – it is
a band made up mostly of guys I have known since grade 8, and since they were playing on my birthday, I wanted to go see them for the first time. I had no idea what we were in for for the night, but it was a good time! I thought I had been told that Third was a bar, but it is really just a space in which local bands and other small bands from out of town play at. I was surprised to see how small it was, and a little annoyed that there were no chairs at all! The Concerns of Royalty “sound like angels but look like lawn gnomes!” (to quote another band from the evening) and I enjoyed their sound. The next band had a bigger crowd and is called the Magnificent Sevens from Manitoba. They played a completely different sound, complete with fiddles and banjos. Most of the people there had already seen this band, and they were doing a “hoe down” all over the room. I was pretty sure we were going to look as though we had been in a heavy metal mosh pit by the end the way that elbows were flying! I kept backing up as far as I could go, but I am sure the elbows kept getting closer! Almost 3/4s of the crowd were getting their rowdy dancing on! Sam and I went for a smoke on the last song, because we were pretty sure we were going to get injured, and didn't want that risk! The final performer was BA Johnson from Edmonton. He is a bit of a comedian, and he was playing his own songs. Things like “there is a deep fryer in my bedroom” and other bizarre things like that. He spent a lot of time wandering through the crowd (which had grown yet again!), untying people's shoelaces, laying on the floor, rolling onto the couch and kicking those sitting on it off.... At one point he was laying on the floor by us (we were of course at the back) and he kept sliding closer to us (with our backs to the wall). I am convinced that he was trying to look up my skirt. The first time he did this might have been a fluke, but I am pretty sure by the third time he was in our area, he was trying. It was a little uncomfortable for me, but I stayed far enough away, and I think Sam might have stepped ahead of me if he got too close. Although none of us were really expecting the show to be as it was, I know we all still had a good time!
GHANA. Because I know you are waiting to hear.
I am waiting for my Visa and passport to come back, but I am sure it will be all good. I applied to go see my Sponsor Child in Ghana – they ask for three months notice, and I am really only giving them one, but 2 before I want to see the child. I sent the application in on Friday, and I did the criminal record search they wanted on Monday. That is all they need for me to go, and to pay for the costs of it of course. I hope I get to go! I want to meet Shamsudeen! But, if I don't get to this time, I hope to at some point later. I want to be his sponsor for a long time – it is only $450 a year to help him and his community get on their feet. So, if not this time, maybe next time I am in Ghana. I want to bring him a school back pack that I have being donated to me, as I don't think it will be too much to see from the point of the other children in the community. He lives up near Tamale as the top of Ghana, and Andrea has to go up there to drop off a soccer kit that was donated, so I am hoping we can travel together. The information from World Vision says that it is 850 kms from Accra!!
I have bought so many underpants! I am not buying anymore! I think that between Erin and I, $150 bucks has been spent mostly on underpants! They vary in sizes, and might still be too big for the little guys, but Canada just doesn't think that bums that little need underpants I guess! I am going to buy some more band-aids and some medical tape and things like that. But mostly, I think I am done shopping for now for them. It looks like I will have a lot of room to take back packs, and I still need to talk to Kelly about it. I am hoping to fit 15-20 bags among my stuff. As most of the orphanage children have just been equipped with backpacks, I want to give them to those kids that have become friends with the volunteers, but still get very little. I am pretty sure that Benjamin and Mawmy receive very little from us, but they are loyal to us. I want to show that I do consider these children my friends as well. We will see, I won't tell Pastor what I have until I decide what I want to do with it all. I think I might set those kids up with some underpants as well. I feel like I am going a little more practically this year, and smaller. But I really do understand that I can buy anything we need in Ghana, and I understand now that the books I wanted to bring them last time were not as practical as I wanted them to be. I am thinking that if they don't have new bowls and stuff, I will buy those as well, but that is best to buy in Ghana. I am still looking for some craft ideas which don't require a lot of thought, as my thoughts on crafts are minimal. Today I bought some wooden shapes that I will buy some paint and brushes for and we can paint them. I love dollar stores for stuff like that! Maybe I will buy some pompoms and stuff like that, and we can glue and create! Crafts are fun! I feel as though I wasn't really involved with the kids last year unless we were playing, and I want to be a little more involved this time. I want to do craft time, maybe story time. I want to help teach them a little, although maybe not in school. But that would be great practice for my upcoming course!
I think that is all I have to say today! Now I just need to convince myself to be active today – maybe I will just walk to the tanning salon and get my tan! That is still a good walk! I get cholera tomorrow and was tested for TB today. That's all I need medically!! I am so ready to go! Now, I just need to kill time until then! And the girls want to throw me “something special” before I go, I am supposed to come up with ideas for it.
Have I told you lately that I love you? Well, I sure do!
I had an incredible birthday yesterday!! My day started with being woken up by text message birthday wishes, but without meaning to, I turned my phone off and went back to sleep. I find that really easy to do on this phone – it is ridiculous how often I find my phone off! At 11 I headed to the school to see Mr. Nickolas, in the start of our 4th year together. We were baking back to school cookies, and of course, I brought some games to play in between. He pretty much did all the 'work' this time. I turned the oven on, but he was in charge of putting the cookies in when the light went off and taking them out when I declared that time was up. He read the instructions and everything. He is getting so big! Sometimes I forget that he is in Grade 5. He asked me how long I would be his friend for. I tried to explain that technically the program we are in ends when he finishes grade 7. He looked so sad! I told him that I was pretty sure (and I am pretty sure, I wasn't just making stuff up!) that I thought that as long as we were both still in town (I said that in every thing), there is an option to carry onto to the traditional program when he outgrows the in school program. The difference would be that it would be in the community not at the school. I know there was talk of this program, But I think I also heard that it hadn't been a huge success. At any rate, I don't really plan to be here by then, I just didn't have the heart to tell him that yesterday, especially when I don't know for sure what I am doing. He also looked so sad when I told him that I was going back to Africa. I promised it would be for less time than last year (it is), and then I promised him a cool present from Africa. He smiled at that, but still. How special is this relationship? Obviously, I mean a lot to him. It is a common theme in my life that I love and thrive off of being someone special to those I care about. I thrive off of helping people. I told my counselor yesterday that I think I like hanging out with children more than adults because you know the relationship is special, and you know that you are having an effect on their lives. With adults, you know they care, but we often don't tell people how much we need or love them. The words “I love you” are almost so common in this society. I say them all the time, but I mean them – I love everyone, and every time I say it, it is because they have done something to make me feel the need to remind them how much I care about them!
Anyways, I got totally sidetracked in that! Nickolas and I baked cookies, and he made me laugh so hard. We are at a stage where we can “tease” each other a little. We burnt one batch of cookies, and blame each other! He said it was my fault because I didn't let him take them out when they were still gooey! Brat! Hehehehe. He is such a cute kid. We only have 4 more meetings this year – he wants to bake for them all. I said no, but that we would definitely bake again. He wants to make jello. I said I would look into how to make jello shapes out of the cookie cutters I bought last year to make Africa cookies. But, even if we just make a pan of jello, that would be fun for him. Then he can share it with his class still, because I do not want jello! I think I will find us a craft again – maybe something do to with Africa again too, I am not sure yet. Next week I think we are just going to find something to do – outside, on the computer, or out of the activity box.
I think this year when I travel, I will do the “email pen pal” idea instead of the mailed version. Then I can send him real updates of my life in Africa. I enjoy that I can stay in touch with him so easily while I am away, even if he never writes back. I am trying to decide if I want to send Nathaniel a post card or something, so he knows I haven't forgotten about him too. I have a Christmas present for both (a bar of soap (homemade) with a grow-a-spiderman inside. Both boys love Spiderman!) which I think I will probably give to them in January when I see them. I am hoping to see Nickolas for the one week before school starts.
Have I told you about school lately? They misread my application and thought that I lived in Vancouver and wanted me to come in for an interview last week. Then they called me and told me that I didn't live in Vancouver like they thought. They are supposed to call me before I leave – I was sure to give them the date I am leaving the country – to do an over the phone interview. If I haven't heard from them by the end of next week, I will give them a shout. When I was talking to the lady it didn't really sound like it would be a problem to get into the program – I am not sure what the interview is about though. The one that was held in Vancouver last week was a group interview. She also commented on how early I had applied for January, which was when I told her I was leaving the country in November so, it wasn't really early for my situation.
I am avoiding calling the church, and I am not sure why. I have thought about it, I have looked up their phone number, but I have not made the call. Right now, I don't feel like doing it I guess. I know I have to, I am just dragging my heals. I will try today. I also need to call the lady again – but it would be nice to do coffee with her after church or something! Make it a one day affair!
Wow, I am so easily sidetracked! I was going to tell you about my birthday and how amazing it felt! So, after I saw Nickolas, I headed off to the swimming pool. I only had an hour for my swim, and I barely did my 2 kms in that hour. I was a little disappointed in myself, but still felt good. After about 45 minutes, I decided I wanted to swim 2.6 kms in honour of my 26th birthday, however, that was another kilometer that was needed, and I certainly didn't have time for that! Immediately after swimming, I went down to my counseling appointment. We had a good session, it is a little odd to hear someone 'tell' you all about you, but I am getting used to it. She is pretty much just reiterating my words (but it sounds better when she says it!) and then asking why I feel the way I do about whatever situation. It is good to hear it, and almost have it justified. Not justified in a bad, self-preserving way, but in a now that you know the 'problem' you can work on changing it kind of justified. I am sorry that I only have such a short time with this counselor, I think her and I could get far, but she is only at the clinic until December. However, we still have four more weeks to cover my issues.
After counseling, I headed home to start dinner. Joel came down for dinner – he said he hadn't eaten a real meal since the last time we fed him! Him, mom and I had a great dinner, and then we all had to leave: Mom off to the gym, Joel off to do homework, and me off to the rest of my adventures! Randy, Sam and I headed down to Third where the Concerns of Royalty were playing – it is
a band made up mostly of guys I have known since grade 8, and since they were playing on my birthday, I wanted to go see them for the first time. I had no idea what we were in for for the night, but it was a good time! I thought I had been told that Third was a bar, but it is really just a space in which local bands and other small bands from out of town play at. I was surprised to see how small it was, and a little annoyed that there were no chairs at all! The Concerns of Royalty “sound like angels but look like lawn gnomes!” (to quote another band from the evening) and I enjoyed their sound. The next band had a bigger crowd and is called the Magnificent Sevens from Manitoba. They played a completely different sound, complete with fiddles and banjos. Most of the people there had already seen this band, and they were doing a “hoe down” all over the room. I was pretty sure we were going to look as though we had been in a heavy metal mosh pit by the end the way that elbows were flying! I kept backing up as far as I could go, but I am sure the elbows kept getting closer! Almost 3/4s of the crowd were getting their rowdy dancing on! Sam and I went for a smoke on the last song, because we were pretty sure we were going to get injured, and didn't want that risk! The final performer was BA Johnson from Edmonton. He is a bit of a comedian, and he was playing his own songs. Things like “there is a deep fryer in my bedroom” and other bizarre things like that. He spent a lot of time wandering through the crowd (which had grown yet again!), untying people's shoelaces, laying on the floor, rolling onto the couch and kicking those sitting on it off.... At one point he was laying on the floor by us (we were of course at the back) and he kept sliding closer to us (with our backs to the wall). I am convinced that he was trying to look up my skirt. The first time he did this might have been a fluke, but I am pretty sure by the third time he was in our area, he was trying. It was a little uncomfortable for me, but I stayed far enough away, and I think Sam might have stepped ahead of me if he got too close. Although none of us were really expecting the show to be as it was, I know we all still had a good time!GHANA. Because I know you are waiting to hear.
I am waiting for my Visa and passport to come back, but I am sure it will be all good. I applied to go see my Sponsor Child in Ghana – they ask for three months notice, and I am really only giving them one, but 2 before I want to see the child. I sent the application in on Friday, and I did the criminal record search they wanted on Monday. That is all they need for me to go, and to pay for the costs of it of course. I hope I get to go! I want to meet Shamsudeen! But, if I don't get to this time, I hope to at some point later. I want to be his sponsor for a long time – it is only $450 a year to help him and his community get on their feet. So, if not this time, maybe next time I am in Ghana. I want to bring him a school back pack that I have being donated to me, as I don't think it will be too much to see from the point of the other children in the community. He lives up near Tamale as the top of Ghana, and Andrea has to go up there to drop off a soccer kit that was donated, so I am hoping we can travel together. The information from World Vision says that it is 850 kms from Accra!!
I have bought so many underpants! I am not buying anymore! I think that between Erin and I, $150 bucks has been spent mostly on underpants! They vary in sizes, and might still be too big for the little guys, but Canada just doesn't think that bums that little need underpants I guess! I am going to buy some more band-aids and some medical tape and things like that. But mostly, I think I am done shopping for now for them. It looks like I will have a lot of room to take back packs, and I still need to talk to Kelly about it. I am hoping to fit 15-20 bags among my stuff. As most of the orphanage children have just been equipped with backpacks, I want to give them to those kids that have become friends with the volunteers, but still get very little. I am pretty sure that Benjamin and Mawmy receive very little from us, but they are loyal to us. I want to show that I do consider these children my friends as well. We will see, I won't tell Pastor what I have until I decide what I want to do with it all. I think I might set those kids up with some underpants as well. I feel like I am going a little more practically this year, and smaller. But I really do understand that I can buy anything we need in Ghana, and I understand now that the books I wanted to bring them last time were not as practical as I wanted them to be. I am thinking that if they don't have new bowls and stuff, I will buy those as well, but that is best to buy in Ghana. I am still looking for some craft ideas which don't require a lot of thought, as my thoughts on crafts are minimal. Today I bought some wooden shapes that I will buy some paint and brushes for and we can paint them. I love dollar stores for stuff like that! Maybe I will buy some pompoms and stuff like that, and we can glue and create! Crafts are fun! I feel as though I wasn't really involved with the kids last year unless we were playing, and I want to be a little more involved this time. I want to do craft time, maybe story time. I want to help teach them a little, although maybe not in school. But that would be great practice for my upcoming course!
I think that is all I have to say today! Now I just need to convince myself to be active today – maybe I will just walk to the tanning salon and get my tan! That is still a good walk! I get cholera tomorrow and was tested for TB today. That's all I need medically!! I am so ready to go! Now, I just need to kill time until then! And the girls want to throw me “something special” before I go, I am supposed to come up with ideas for it.
Have I told you lately that I love you? Well, I sure do!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes?
It's funny how so much can change, while everything stays the same.
A year ago, I sat on my boyfriend's bed as he tied an anklet he made me around my ankle. He told that that where ever I went, I would know that he was with me. He told me never to feel alone in Africa, because I had his love for me with me. I can't count the number of times I subconsciously found myself fondling that piece of braided string in the last year. There were nights where I woke up only to touch it and know. I cut that anklet off the other day. I still find myself going to touch it, and feeling sad when it is not there.
Eleven and a half months ago, that same boyfriend slipped a ring onto my finger as tears slid down my cheeks, and promised to love me forever. My dreams had come true. The ring symbolized forever, it symbolized our love. I never imagined that it was a ring of lies. I still find myself playing with the empty finger, spinning the ring around and remembering the times when I first wore it. Sometimes, I look at the ring I wear on my other hand, and feel sad that it is not what I thought it was. Don't get me wrong, I took off the ring that changed my life when I came home from Ghana. I now stare at my graduation ring, and wish that it held more meaning to me. Graduation was not a milestone to me, it was merely finishing something I started once and no longer cared about. The other ring I wore was so much more than that.
I remember the day that my necklace broke while I was in Ghana. I cried when I held it in my hands. It was a month before I was coming home, and not long after I had been broken up with over the phone. For some reason, I told myself that until the anklet broke, there was still hope. I know this is foolish, but that was always the rule of Friendship Bracelets – it breaks and your friendship could as well. Maybe that is why I hung onto that anklet for so long. I wanted at least the friendship to continue.
Was that foolish? I don't know. I still want the friendship to continue, but I think it is over. I know, you all think I should have done it long ago, but I still miss my best friend. I know that best friend lied to me, but he also understood me.
I suddenly am finding it all so much harder to deal with. I am finding it harder to let go, the way I thought I already had. I miss him. And a year ago, everything changed. It only lasted for a couple of months, but everything I knew changed in the last year. I know most of it is for the best, but tonight, it feels lonely and not best at all. I am finding the memories of a year ago hard to repress. I am finding it hard to live the new life and not the old. I want the same things in so many ways. I want to go to that big thanksgiving dinner again, feeling like part of a family which is new to me. I want to share my thoughts and feelings with someone who will care. I want to feel the sense of love I felt a year ago this time.
In some ways, I think it is worse because it was a year ago. In some ways, it is because everything about my upcoming trip is the same, everything except that this time, Travis isn't there, encouraging me, helping me, loving me. This time, Travis isn't sharing any of it with me. Last year, I called my best friend every other day for the three months I was gone. This year, I know I cannot do that. I have no one to replace that with. I have so many people to share it with, but not with the one I am so used to sharing everything with. And that breaks my heart almost as much as losing him in the first place. Trav, if you are reading this, don't take it the wrong way. I want you to be happy, and obviously we cannot do that together, especially now that I am devoting my life to somewhere other than here. I just miss my best friend. For the rest of you, have no fear. As much as I miss him, I cannot put myself in a situation where he gets to hurt me as much again.
I don't know. Maybe I am just a hormonal mess today. My missing of Travis comes really hard every now and then, and I cry and feel sorry for myself. Today is obviously one of those days. I admit, I am a little scared of Ghana without that connection every time I wanted it. I am a little scared that I am making Ghana into some amazing thing, and that it will somehow let me down. And since it is impossible for a country to let me down, I guess I am afraid that I will let me down. As though maybe I made up dreams because it was easier than dealing with the loss of coming home, that I built Ghana up so that it was okay that I was coming home to nothing. I am sure these are just negative thoughts, but I feel as though I have so much resting on being in Ghana that maybe I haven't dealt with anything inside of Jenna which is causing problems. I am pretty sure that missing Trav as much as I do tonight means that I have yet to really deal with the loss of eight months ago. Is that natural? Am I somehow holding onto everything that is gone? The few times I thought about dating, the hurt has come up so strongly that I quickly put the idea aside, not that I have found anyone recently who I would bother dating. I don't know. Tonight I am just really confused and lonely. I don't know if I am going the right direction at all.
I think I have cried out my tears, so I am going to go try to sleep it off. These nights normally hit when I find myself ridiculously tired, and therefore emotional and psychotic. I am pretty sure I am not psychotic though, I just miss a man who really found every way without hitting me to hurt me. And in many ways, I still love him. I still pray for his happiness. I still pray we can be friends. And if life goes my way, I am having coffee with him before I leave the country again. It might hurt, I might cry, but I think it needs to be done.
A year ago, I sat on my boyfriend's bed as he tied an anklet he made me around my ankle. He told that that where ever I went, I would know that he was with me. He told me never to feel alone in Africa, because I had his love for me with me. I can't count the number of times I subconsciously found myself fondling that piece of braided string in the last year. There were nights where I woke up only to touch it and know. I cut that anklet off the other day. I still find myself going to touch it, and feeling sad when it is not there.
Eleven and a half months ago, that same boyfriend slipped a ring onto my finger as tears slid down my cheeks, and promised to love me forever. My dreams had come true. The ring symbolized forever, it symbolized our love. I never imagined that it was a ring of lies. I still find myself playing with the empty finger, spinning the ring around and remembering the times when I first wore it. Sometimes, I look at the ring I wear on my other hand, and feel sad that it is not what I thought it was. Don't get me wrong, I took off the ring that changed my life when I came home from Ghana. I now stare at my graduation ring, and wish that it held more meaning to me. Graduation was not a milestone to me, it was merely finishing something I started once and no longer cared about. The other ring I wore was so much more than that.
I remember the day that my necklace broke while I was in Ghana. I cried when I held it in my hands. It was a month before I was coming home, and not long after I had been broken up with over the phone. For some reason, I told myself that until the anklet broke, there was still hope. I know this is foolish, but that was always the rule of Friendship Bracelets – it breaks and your friendship could as well. Maybe that is why I hung onto that anklet for so long. I wanted at least the friendship to continue.
Was that foolish? I don't know. I still want the friendship to continue, but I think it is over. I know, you all think I should have done it long ago, but I still miss my best friend. I know that best friend lied to me, but he also understood me.
I suddenly am finding it all so much harder to deal with. I am finding it harder to let go, the way I thought I already had. I miss him. And a year ago, everything changed. It only lasted for a couple of months, but everything I knew changed in the last year. I know most of it is for the best, but tonight, it feels lonely and not best at all. I am finding the memories of a year ago hard to repress. I am finding it hard to live the new life and not the old. I want the same things in so many ways. I want to go to that big thanksgiving dinner again, feeling like part of a family which is new to me. I want to share my thoughts and feelings with someone who will care. I want to feel the sense of love I felt a year ago this time.
In some ways, I think it is worse because it was a year ago. In some ways, it is because everything about my upcoming trip is the same, everything except that this time, Travis isn't there, encouraging me, helping me, loving me. This time, Travis isn't sharing any of it with me. Last year, I called my best friend every other day for the three months I was gone. This year, I know I cannot do that. I have no one to replace that with. I have so many people to share it with, but not with the one I am so used to sharing everything with. And that breaks my heart almost as much as losing him in the first place. Trav, if you are reading this, don't take it the wrong way. I want you to be happy, and obviously we cannot do that together, especially now that I am devoting my life to somewhere other than here. I just miss my best friend. For the rest of you, have no fear. As much as I miss him, I cannot put myself in a situation where he gets to hurt me as much again.
I don't know. Maybe I am just a hormonal mess today. My missing of Travis comes really hard every now and then, and I cry and feel sorry for myself. Today is obviously one of those days. I admit, I am a little scared of Ghana without that connection every time I wanted it. I am a little scared that I am making Ghana into some amazing thing, and that it will somehow let me down. And since it is impossible for a country to let me down, I guess I am afraid that I will let me down. As though maybe I made up dreams because it was easier than dealing with the loss of coming home, that I built Ghana up so that it was okay that I was coming home to nothing. I am sure these are just negative thoughts, but I feel as though I have so much resting on being in Ghana that maybe I haven't dealt with anything inside of Jenna which is causing problems. I am pretty sure that missing Trav as much as I do tonight means that I have yet to really deal with the loss of eight months ago. Is that natural? Am I somehow holding onto everything that is gone? The few times I thought about dating, the hurt has come up so strongly that I quickly put the idea aside, not that I have found anyone recently who I would bother dating. I don't know. Tonight I am just really confused and lonely. I don't know if I am going the right direction at all.
I think I have cried out my tears, so I am going to go try to sleep it off. These nights normally hit when I find myself ridiculously tired, and therefore emotional and psychotic. I am pretty sure I am not psychotic though, I just miss a man who really found every way without hitting me to hurt me. And in many ways, I still love him. I still pray for his happiness. I still pray we can be friends. And if life goes my way, I am having coffee with him before I leave the country again. It might hurt, I might cry, but I think it needs to be done.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Lame Update
32 days, and I am on my way back home, to Ghana. My visa went in the mail today (because I have an awesome Mommy), I got my Malerone prescription yesterday at the doctors. I get my TB test and a Cholera done next week. I am so ready to go! I am still buying some things for the orphanage, and obviously, I haven't started packing yet, but there shouldn't be any panic in going this time. And I know that I can pretty much buy them anything else in Ghana as well. I am so excited to be going back. Even my doctor said that my face lit up when I said I had booked my plane tickets. Did I tell you that I booked my tickets? I am leaving PG on November 3rd, spending the night at my amazing sister's house, then she is driving me to Seattle where I fly to Washington, and then straight on to Ghana! I arrive about 1 pm on November 5th, so as long as everything goes normally, I should be able to see the children late that afternoon. I can't wait to see them! I hope I get a homecoming like the one I got after Tanzania! God I love those kids! I think I will switch back to my other blog for the trip – I think I want it to be my travel blog. All that is on it right now is Ghana, so it may as well stay that way!
Not a lot has gone on recently though. I cut off my birthday present from Travis from last year this morning. It has been destroying part of my ankle – I think wearing socks made it rub, and it has been dry and flaking for months. So today, I cut it off. I didn't want to. I wanted to see how long it would last. It has held up really good! In some ways, it made me sad – it was like everything was finally over (ya ya, I know), but in some ways, I didn't feel anything. I still miss him. I still wish we could be friends. I know we probably can't, but I do wish! I am hoping to see him before I go away again though. I find hanging out with Nathaniel a little hard some days too (not going to change that though) because it feels like a part of our family is missing. I guess we can both miss out together!
I thought I had lots to tell you finally, but it appears I don't. Have a great weekend!
Not a lot has gone on recently though. I cut off my birthday present from Travis from last year this morning. It has been destroying part of my ankle – I think wearing socks made it rub, and it has been dry and flaking for months. So today, I cut it off. I didn't want to. I wanted to see how long it would last. It has held up really good! In some ways, it made me sad – it was like everything was finally over (ya ya, I know), but in some ways, I didn't feel anything. I still miss him. I still wish we could be friends. I know we probably can't, but I do wish! I am hoping to see him before I go away again though. I find hanging out with Nathaniel a little hard some days too (not going to change that though) because it feels like a part of our family is missing. I guess we can both miss out together!
I thought I had lots to tell you finally, but it appears I don't. Have a great weekend!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
I quit, I am going Home!
So, I quit Walmart today, before orientation tomorrow. I feel good about the choice, but still wish in a way that I could have had the chance to make the little bit of money that it would have brought. Whatever though! I don't care that much! It was too much BS for me to handle right now! I have found pretty perfect flights - all one airline and very few layovers, none of which are long! And it is the same coming home. I fly direct from Washington to Accra! And I get into Accra mid afternoon, so I could even see my babies that day! HOORAY! Erin says she will drive me from Vancouver to Seattle to save that $300 or so bucks that that tickets costs, so that is nice too. Too bad Westjet doesn't have a seat sale on.... I haven't booked it yet, although it made me very excited!
I am going to take Nathaniel bowling on Saturday rather than going to visit his family. Although I am disappointed that I cannot see Grampa and Grama, I am glad I can still have Nathaniel. I talked to Marlene today (aka Mom) and she said that she didn't think he went bowling very often. She came up with one time that she took him, but it was way over a year ago. So, hopefully, he enjoys that! Maybe I will call around and see if anyone does mid afternoon Saturday Cosmic Bowling, because that is even cooler!
While I was talking to Mom tonight, she told me that she had found this cereal that if you mix with your favorite fruit or something yummy, is great for iron. Half a cup of this cereal has 50% of your daily iron and 107% of your daily fibre in it. I am going to try it I guess. She says that she puts a little bit of molasses in it, which also has good fibre in it! Worth a shot I guess - and it is really helping her fight her cancer, so I guess it must be good! She kept telling me ways to make it taste better, and you could hear Derick int he background telling her to shut up, it was fine. We decided that he just wanted to make me feel better about eating it.
I get to work 3 hours tomorrow. Then I am going to go swimming. Don't let me back out! Then I am going to go to my first ever "Take Back the Night" since I don't have to go to Walmart. Mom and I get our eyebrows done on Saturday morning, then play with Nate for a while. If my buddy isn't too hung over on Sunday, we might hang out for a bit. Nickolas and I start on Tuesday, and then I will go swimming again (must get into a routine here!) and then I have counseling. I work again on Wednesday. I am very half-assed considering a BC trip where I go visit all my peeps, but I will probably not do it, because I am a little bit poor this year... I certainly have not done much for work!
FUNNY STORY (Unless you like her.... then I guess I am just cruel and mean)
Mom had lunch today with one of the instructors of the administrative assistant program today. My name came up in conversation (of course, Lily, the instructor has known me since I was just a wee lassie), and then Lily remembered this story that she was going to tell mom months ago.
Do you remember Jacquie? Travis's ex that caused me such a headache when he and I first started seeing each other? well, Jacquie took this program, in 2008 I believe (I was still in facilities) She still is not working in the field that they studied, and she is one of the few. She works in retail.
Lily asked her if she had applied at CNC for one of our admin assistant jobs. She said no. Lily asked why not. Jacquie's answer was that she couldn't work at CNC because Jenna works there. Lily was like Jenna who, and why the hell not? She told Lily that she cannot work in the same building as me, because I stole her boyfriend and she is still angry about it (she didn't apparently mention that she slept with my fiancee, but I know that nonetheless). Lily was just like, I see.
Mom told me this story, and I was like "that's right, Bitch. You cannot work at CNC Bitch" lol, I am very mature sometimes. Honestly, we probably couldn't work together - my willingness to like her disappeared when Trav told me that he slept with her. Actually, when Trav told me that he slept with her, it made me a lot more angry than the fact that she slept with 3 girls while I was gone - I believe that Jacquie is the only person on the planet that would get a kick out of ruining something that made me happy. I have her blocked on FB because the sight of her name (we have a lot of mutual friends) makes me angry. But, I would still be as professional as possible... and really, I am just a casual! I shouldn't matter to anyone! (I think this conversation might have come up with a why hasn't Jenna applied for a full time permanent at the college yet).
I think it's kinda perfect that that Bitch won't work at CNC as long as I am there. Saves me the hassle! I told my mom that there was now two people who wouldn't work at CNC as long as I appear there. Travis and Jacquie, and I LOVE IT!
Jacquie stories tend to piss me off, but this one made my day!
I am going to take Nathaniel bowling on Saturday rather than going to visit his family. Although I am disappointed that I cannot see Grampa and Grama, I am glad I can still have Nathaniel. I talked to Marlene today (aka Mom) and she said that she didn't think he went bowling very often. She came up with one time that she took him, but it was way over a year ago. So, hopefully, he enjoys that! Maybe I will call around and see if anyone does mid afternoon Saturday Cosmic Bowling, because that is even cooler!
While I was talking to Mom tonight, she told me that she had found this cereal that if you mix with your favorite fruit or something yummy, is great for iron. Half a cup of this cereal has 50% of your daily iron and 107% of your daily fibre in it. I am going to try it I guess. She says that she puts a little bit of molasses in it, which also has good fibre in it! Worth a shot I guess - and it is really helping her fight her cancer, so I guess it must be good! She kept telling me ways to make it taste better, and you could hear Derick int he background telling her to shut up, it was fine. We decided that he just wanted to make me feel better about eating it.
I get to work 3 hours tomorrow. Then I am going to go swimming. Don't let me back out! Then I am going to go to my first ever "Take Back the Night" since I don't have to go to Walmart. Mom and I get our eyebrows done on Saturday morning, then play with Nate for a while. If my buddy isn't too hung over on Sunday, we might hang out for a bit. Nickolas and I start on Tuesday, and then I will go swimming again (must get into a routine here!) and then I have counseling. I work again on Wednesday. I am very half-assed considering a BC trip where I go visit all my peeps, but I will probably not do it, because I am a little bit poor this year... I certainly have not done much for work!
FUNNY STORY (Unless you like her.... then I guess I am just cruel and mean)
Mom had lunch today with one of the instructors of the administrative assistant program today. My name came up in conversation (of course, Lily, the instructor has known me since I was just a wee lassie), and then Lily remembered this story that she was going to tell mom months ago.
Do you remember Jacquie? Travis's ex that caused me such a headache when he and I first started seeing each other? well, Jacquie took this program, in 2008 I believe (I was still in facilities) She still is not working in the field that they studied, and she is one of the few. She works in retail.
Lily asked her if she had applied at CNC for one of our admin assistant jobs. She said no. Lily asked why not. Jacquie's answer was that she couldn't work at CNC because Jenna works there. Lily was like Jenna who, and why the hell not? She told Lily that she cannot work in the same building as me, because I stole her boyfriend and she is still angry about it (she didn't apparently mention that she slept with my fiancee, but I know that nonetheless). Lily was just like, I see.
Mom told me this story, and I was like "that's right, Bitch. You cannot work at CNC Bitch" lol, I am very mature sometimes. Honestly, we probably couldn't work together - my willingness to like her disappeared when Trav told me that he slept with her. Actually, when Trav told me that he slept with her, it made me a lot more angry than the fact that she slept with 3 girls while I was gone - I believe that Jacquie is the only person on the planet that would get a kick out of ruining something that made me happy. I have her blocked on FB because the sight of her name (we have a lot of mutual friends) makes me angry. But, I would still be as professional as possible... and really, I am just a casual! I shouldn't matter to anyone! (I think this conversation might have come up with a why hasn't Jenna applied for a full time permanent at the college yet).
I think it's kinda perfect that that Bitch won't work at CNC as long as I am there. Saves me the hassle! I told my mom that there was now two people who wouldn't work at CNC as long as I appear there. Travis and Jacquie, and I LOVE IT!
Jacquie stories tend to piss me off, but this one made my day!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Take That! :P
For a girl who suffers from exhaustion, I am having issues sleeping today. The last couple of nights have been “tough” in falling asleep. Tonight, I cannot even get comfortable in bed. In some ways, I am kicking myself for not going swimming or anything today to get some exercise into me, but I was so tired and sick feeling this morning, I couldn't convince myself it was a good idea. But of course, something turned my brain on as I started to get ready for bed tonight as well. Most nights, I find that I am still comfortable in bed, just thinking a million things at once. Tonight, it has me turning with each new thought that comes into my head. So, I thought that maybe if I wrote it out, I would feel better and be able to sleep.
I was told today to not let my iron counts slow my travel plans down. However, I did nothing with this information all day, waiting to talk to Mom about it first. Mom got home late and we had a little discussion, but essentially that put the gears in motion. This could explain why I cannot sleep as well – there are thoughts of GHANA running through my head! (It's almost like the night before Christmas!). Mom's only comments were to make sure I had enough time to get any booster shots I need done – and to maybe look into that before I book the tickets. Good plan Mom!
I think I am going to call Walmart in the morning. I am going to explain to the girl that my life has changed drastically in the last 2 months since my interview. This is a little bit of a falsification, as this was always my plan. However, if I had started work two months ago, it wouldn't feel so … bad to me. I am going to explain that I will only have about 5 weeks before I will be gone for three months – for school and some travel. I will ask her point blank which would be better for everyone in this situation. I am assuming that I will be told to re-apply when I “am ready to work for them” (as she said in last nights Orientation phone call). Although I would like to work for the next 5 weeks, I am having moral issues with it. Work 2 weeks and put in my notice? I don't think that looks good on me, no matter how much I think they have effed me around. If they tell me that's fine and dandy with them, well then I will be there!
I realized today, after I finished my book and had accomplished nothing beyond my pap smear, that I am becoming depressed again. Okay, I knew this before (as I am sure you did as well). But, with the habits I am forming, I am digging my own grave. I know that I bailed on exercise today because I have a cold coming on. That is a valid reason to me. But, the lack of anything to do, is going to put me right back where I have fought so hard to leave. BBBS asked me the other day if I might be interested in some part time (volunteer for now) work at the new after school care centre they just opened. I told them I could definitely consider that, although, of course, it would be better if it were a paid thing. I haven't heard anything more, but that could be a useful thing for me, especially if I am not going to have my 20-25 hours a week at Walmart. I need to make an effort to get out of the house, even if I don't really have anything to do. It's time to start tanning again, so that is an hour every other day I could take on. I know it is a need to leave the house – baking all day will also not help improve my situation, although it might make me feel a little less sorry for myself for having nothing to do. Of course, it might also make me fat. I am definitely going to try for a swim on Friday. Tomorrow, I think at best, I will go to the tanning salon, and make some more muffins and things. I bought the supplies today, but couldn't make myself do anything with it. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I am working towards my dreams. It's okay that I am bored, but I need to not dwell on it! There is always the possibility that if I get a life (i.e. friends) that I might gain some of my energy back as well. It's worth a try. Everything is worth a try. What do I have to lose?
In my attempt to sleep, I also had a list of things which I want to bring to Ghana with me this time, knowing more about their needs than I did. My old counselor (Kelly) had told me that she thought she would be able to get me some backpacks of school supplies for the kids to take with me. If she can supply a lot of them, I would take up to 45. This would cover the children in our orphanage, along with those that I know in the neighbourhood. Alternatively, I could help with the local children more than our kids. This remains left to be determined, as I have not emailed Kelly yet. I want to buy packages of underwear for them – both the boys and the girls. Ideally, I would like to bring enough for 2 new pairs for each child, but that is at least 60 pairs of underpants. I might have to think about this a little. I am pretty sure we have gained some children as well. My non-artsy-ness has decided that I should bring some crafts for them as well. Whenever Andrea brought out her crafts, they really seemed to enjoy it. Maybe Christmas crafts? I guess I will see what I find that is cheap. I can already see this being a $300 bill! Too bad if Walmart doesn't still take me – I could use that 10% discount they would give me! All of this is, as usual, out of my own pocket. I know I could try to get things donated, but I feel... bad doing things like that.
I need to call that church again. It has been 10 months since I saw them! That is ridiculous and poorly planned on my part. I will call the lady who gave the biggest donation again tomorrow. She still hasn't seen the books. She told me to call her back in a couple of weeks, back in probably early July. I guess my couple of weeks takes a really long time! This is a goal for tomorrow. I figure if I have goals and projects, then I cannot be as bored and feel as sorry for myself. Again, it's worth a shot. I really should have done this months ago, I really hope they understand.
Well, well, well. I seem to be drawing blanks on anything else going through my head. Maybe I have written myself out of brain waves to keep me awake!
Church and scrapbooks.
Vaccinations.
Ticket.
Visas.
Departure date: 5 weeks!
Let my dreams come true!
I was told today to not let my iron counts slow my travel plans down. However, I did nothing with this information all day, waiting to talk to Mom about it first. Mom got home late and we had a little discussion, but essentially that put the gears in motion. This could explain why I cannot sleep as well – there are thoughts of GHANA running through my head! (It's almost like the night before Christmas!). Mom's only comments were to make sure I had enough time to get any booster shots I need done – and to maybe look into that before I book the tickets. Good plan Mom!
I think I am going to call Walmart in the morning. I am going to explain to the girl that my life has changed drastically in the last 2 months since my interview. This is a little bit of a falsification, as this was always my plan. However, if I had started work two months ago, it wouldn't feel so … bad to me. I am going to explain that I will only have about 5 weeks before I will be gone for three months – for school and some travel. I will ask her point blank which would be better for everyone in this situation. I am assuming that I will be told to re-apply when I “am ready to work for them” (as she said in last nights Orientation phone call). Although I would like to work for the next 5 weeks, I am having moral issues with it. Work 2 weeks and put in my notice? I don't think that looks good on me, no matter how much I think they have effed me around. If they tell me that's fine and dandy with them, well then I will be there!
I realized today, after I finished my book and had accomplished nothing beyond my pap smear, that I am becoming depressed again. Okay, I knew this before (as I am sure you did as well). But, with the habits I am forming, I am digging my own grave. I know that I bailed on exercise today because I have a cold coming on. That is a valid reason to me. But, the lack of anything to do, is going to put me right back where I have fought so hard to leave. BBBS asked me the other day if I might be interested in some part time (volunteer for now) work at the new after school care centre they just opened. I told them I could definitely consider that, although, of course, it would be better if it were a paid thing. I haven't heard anything more, but that could be a useful thing for me, especially if I am not going to have my 20-25 hours a week at Walmart. I need to make an effort to get out of the house, even if I don't really have anything to do. It's time to start tanning again, so that is an hour every other day I could take on. I know it is a need to leave the house – baking all day will also not help improve my situation, although it might make me feel a little less sorry for myself for having nothing to do. Of course, it might also make me fat. I am definitely going to try for a swim on Friday. Tomorrow, I think at best, I will go to the tanning salon, and make some more muffins and things. I bought the supplies today, but couldn't make myself do anything with it. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I am working towards my dreams. It's okay that I am bored, but I need to not dwell on it! There is always the possibility that if I get a life (i.e. friends) that I might gain some of my energy back as well. It's worth a try. Everything is worth a try. What do I have to lose?
In my attempt to sleep, I also had a list of things which I want to bring to Ghana with me this time, knowing more about their needs than I did. My old counselor (Kelly) had told me that she thought she would be able to get me some backpacks of school supplies for the kids to take with me. If she can supply a lot of them, I would take up to 45. This would cover the children in our orphanage, along with those that I know in the neighbourhood. Alternatively, I could help with the local children more than our kids. This remains left to be determined, as I have not emailed Kelly yet. I want to buy packages of underwear for them – both the boys and the girls. Ideally, I would like to bring enough for 2 new pairs for each child, but that is at least 60 pairs of underpants. I might have to think about this a little. I am pretty sure we have gained some children as well. My non-artsy-ness has decided that I should bring some crafts for them as well. Whenever Andrea brought out her crafts, they really seemed to enjoy it. Maybe Christmas crafts? I guess I will see what I find that is cheap. I can already see this being a $300 bill! Too bad if Walmart doesn't still take me – I could use that 10% discount they would give me! All of this is, as usual, out of my own pocket. I know I could try to get things donated, but I feel... bad doing things like that.
I need to call that church again. It has been 10 months since I saw them! That is ridiculous and poorly planned on my part. I will call the lady who gave the biggest donation again tomorrow. She still hasn't seen the books. She told me to call her back in a couple of weeks, back in probably early July. I guess my couple of weeks takes a really long time! This is a goal for tomorrow. I figure if I have goals and projects, then I cannot be as bored and feel as sorry for myself. Again, it's worth a shot. I really should have done this months ago, I really hope they understand.
Well, well, well. I seem to be drawing blanks on anything else going through my head. Maybe I have written myself out of brain waves to keep me awake!
Church and scrapbooks.
Vaccinations.
Ticket.
Visas.
Departure date: 5 weeks!
Let my dreams come true!
A Little Bit Grumpy
I am bothered, annoyed, irritated and just plain cranky, and I don't have many excuses as to why. I am getting a cold, but that only explains part of my... mood. I am still exhausted, all the time. I take 600 mg of Iron every night before bed, but we are only on like week two of that. I am terrified that when I go to the Doctor today for my PAP and ask her about what she thinks of me traveling, she will say No Way Jose! Where does my life stand then? What happens to me if I cannot go to Ghana? I know what you are thinking: you will survive and make a new plan. The problem is, I don't want to; not at all. I want to go to Ghana, I don't want to be here. Right now I feel like every step I take is putting me back a step as well, and I don't like it. Maybe it would be different if I had a job...
Walmart called me last night. Orientation is on Friday night, and is my last chance apparently. The girl said since we have been playing phone tag since August, I obviously don't want to work for them, if I cannot come to this orientation. So, if I couldn't come on Friday night, I would have to re-apply for the position. What a load of crap that is! I have been on their butts since early August about everything. I told them my exact schedule. Instead of deciding to have a orientation on a Tuesday instead of a Friday, they have one that they know I cannot go to! Then decide at some point that they only have my house number, and refuse to call my cell phone (look on the resume Genius. Both numbers are right there.) They don't get the messages I leave them, and then call me at home even though I have given them a number to reach me at for the entire day. And now, it is me that doesn't want to work. Two months ago, when I applied for the damn job, I was ready and willing to work. I had complete flexibility and completely open schedules. As time continued to pass and they continued to not call me in, I continued to find bits of work, here and there. Now, I am not sure I want to be there; now I am not sure I want to work at all, let alone for them. But, I see my doctor today, she can hopefully shed a little light on my situation. If I cannot travel, then I guess I had better find a job... But if I CAN travel as I want to, then is it worth it? Or should I just re-apply when I am ready to work for them? I don't know the right answers, but I told them I would be there. My conversation with the girl left me very angry though. It would suck for them to have to take responsibility for screwing around their potential employees now wouldn't it? I also had plans for my Friday night for once. I was going to go to the “Take Back the Night” ceremonies that supports and remembers women and children who have suffered from abuse. It was going to be my first time going, and I was fairly excited for it. But, unless I decide to shove Walmart up my ass... I guess I won't be going. Lame.
I met with my new counselor yesterday. Her name is Betty and I seem to really like her as well. I think it will be a very different kind of counseling than I had with Kelly, and I think that will be good for me as well. I used Kelly almost more as just a friend that anything else. I talked, but we didn't really dig into any of my issues. Betty seems willing and able to help me dig a little bit. The first time I met with Kelly, she had told me that sometimes I would leave counseling feeling better, sometimes I would leave feeling worse. Either way, it was healing, and it was right. I always left feeling neutral or better, from having talked about it for an hour with someone willing to listen and to support. Yesterday, after giving Betty my background, I felt tears in my throat. I even heard my voice crack at one point while I was talking. Kelly's words echoed through my head. Betty wants to deal with the cognitive and emotional levels together to make a whole. I can already tell that this is going to go much deeper within myself than I have ever gone before. I am a little excited and a little fearful of what we will find and accomplish. Betty is only in the program until the end of this semester, so we don't have too long – even less so if I can travel as I desire to! She put a lot of things I was saying into concise little word packages which summed everything up so completely that I was surprised there was a short way to say it. Although I liked Kelly, I think that Betty is already a better counselor than Kelly was. But then again, I think Kelly was perfect for what I needed at the time: someone to talk to about the chaos my life had become. Now that my life is less chaos and more settled, it's time to dig, and Betty is the perfect person to help me through this stage. Ryan the organizer is just that good!
Tuesdays have become my everything day. I am essentially busy that day without work. I am going to start seeing Nickolas on Tuesday mornings starting next week (because I missed the 10:30 phone call yesterday saying I could start at 11 am...). I go swimming on Tuesdays (I am going today if I can convince myself I can do it – this cold has me feeling pretty run down) and I see Betty on Tuesday afternoons. I figure that since there is no way I can see Nickolas on my lunch break from Walmart, this is the best way to do it. I just cannot work a Tuesday.
I mailed my application to the school a week ago. I haven't heard anything. I know, I am being impatient, but I just want to know. I want to plan my life. If I take a job to quit in a month, I need to know how long I am quitting for so that I can tell them! And if I am not going to be accepted, and I am allowed to travel, maybe I just stay abroad for a while longer! We all know how passionately I feel about the children in my orphanage! And I think we all know how at home I feel there. Betty and I talked for a long time yesterday about I feel different and out of place among my peers, and that I always have. In Ghana, it feels different. I am not out of place, although I am an Oboroni amongst Obobini's, I still feel like I can belong there. That is a first for me!
I guess that's about all I am going to complain about today. I hope you are out there, and I hope you are reading this. I feel very alone again this last week or two.
Walmart called me last night. Orientation is on Friday night, and is my last chance apparently. The girl said since we have been playing phone tag since August, I obviously don't want to work for them, if I cannot come to this orientation. So, if I couldn't come on Friday night, I would have to re-apply for the position. What a load of crap that is! I have been on their butts since early August about everything. I told them my exact schedule. Instead of deciding to have a orientation on a Tuesday instead of a Friday, they have one that they know I cannot go to! Then decide at some point that they only have my house number, and refuse to call my cell phone (look on the resume Genius. Both numbers are right there.) They don't get the messages I leave them, and then call me at home even though I have given them a number to reach me at for the entire day. And now, it is me that doesn't want to work. Two months ago, when I applied for the damn job, I was ready and willing to work. I had complete flexibility and completely open schedules. As time continued to pass and they continued to not call me in, I continued to find bits of work, here and there. Now, I am not sure I want to be there; now I am not sure I want to work at all, let alone for them. But, I see my doctor today, she can hopefully shed a little light on my situation. If I cannot travel, then I guess I had better find a job... But if I CAN travel as I want to, then is it worth it? Or should I just re-apply when I am ready to work for them? I don't know the right answers, but I told them I would be there. My conversation with the girl left me very angry though. It would suck for them to have to take responsibility for screwing around their potential employees now wouldn't it? I also had plans for my Friday night for once. I was going to go to the “Take Back the Night” ceremonies that supports and remembers women and children who have suffered from abuse. It was going to be my first time going, and I was fairly excited for it. But, unless I decide to shove Walmart up my ass... I guess I won't be going. Lame.
I met with my new counselor yesterday. Her name is Betty and I seem to really like her as well. I think it will be a very different kind of counseling than I had with Kelly, and I think that will be good for me as well. I used Kelly almost more as just a friend that anything else. I talked, but we didn't really dig into any of my issues. Betty seems willing and able to help me dig a little bit. The first time I met with Kelly, she had told me that sometimes I would leave counseling feeling better, sometimes I would leave feeling worse. Either way, it was healing, and it was right. I always left feeling neutral or better, from having talked about it for an hour with someone willing to listen and to support. Yesterday, after giving Betty my background, I felt tears in my throat. I even heard my voice crack at one point while I was talking. Kelly's words echoed through my head. Betty wants to deal with the cognitive and emotional levels together to make a whole. I can already tell that this is going to go much deeper within myself than I have ever gone before. I am a little excited and a little fearful of what we will find and accomplish. Betty is only in the program until the end of this semester, so we don't have too long – even less so if I can travel as I desire to! She put a lot of things I was saying into concise little word packages which summed everything up so completely that I was surprised there was a short way to say it. Although I liked Kelly, I think that Betty is already a better counselor than Kelly was. But then again, I think Kelly was perfect for what I needed at the time: someone to talk to about the chaos my life had become. Now that my life is less chaos and more settled, it's time to dig, and Betty is the perfect person to help me through this stage. Ryan the organizer is just that good!
Tuesdays have become my everything day. I am essentially busy that day without work. I am going to start seeing Nickolas on Tuesday mornings starting next week (because I missed the 10:30 phone call yesterday saying I could start at 11 am...). I go swimming on Tuesdays (I am going today if I can convince myself I can do it – this cold has me feeling pretty run down) and I see Betty on Tuesday afternoons. I figure that since there is no way I can see Nickolas on my lunch break from Walmart, this is the best way to do it. I just cannot work a Tuesday.
I mailed my application to the school a week ago. I haven't heard anything. I know, I am being impatient, but I just want to know. I want to plan my life. If I take a job to quit in a month, I need to know how long I am quitting for so that I can tell them! And if I am not going to be accepted, and I am allowed to travel, maybe I just stay abroad for a while longer! We all know how passionately I feel about the children in my orphanage! And I think we all know how at home I feel there. Betty and I talked for a long time yesterday about I feel different and out of place among my peers, and that I always have. In Ghana, it feels different. I am not out of place, although I am an Oboroni amongst Obobini's, I still feel like I can belong there. That is a first for me!
I guess that's about all I am going to complain about today. I hope you are out there, and I hope you are reading this. I feel very alone again this last week or two.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Fog.
There is a fog on the horizon
I can tell it is deep and penetrating
It's rolling into the valley
In which I stand
Maybe I am walking
Walking towards the fog
Walking into the fog
I don't want to be here
I don’t want the fog to come
I don't want to suffocate
I don't want to die
I cannot stop my feet
I am holding onto everything
Grasping at new roots
Which are so easily uprooted
The fog is coming nearer
And I am afraid
I yell for help
It echoes through the valley
It echoes through my soul
It comes back so faint
I barely hear myself
Alone.
I must fight
The encroaching fog
Alone
Even if you hear me
You cannot get here in time
The ground is unstable
The roots lie on the ground
Nothing can grow here
The fog is too near
I keep fumbling and stumbling
Trying to run from the fog
That incredible, dense fog
Every part of me fights
My muscles strain with
All my might
Closer, closer, almost here
I am running for my life
I don't want to die
In a Fog.
I can tell it is deep and penetrating
It's rolling into the valley
In which I stand
Maybe I am walking
Walking towards the fog
Walking into the fog
I don't want to be here
I don’t want the fog to come
I don't want to suffocate
I don't want to die
I cannot stop my feet
I am holding onto everything
Grasping at new roots
Which are so easily uprooted
The fog is coming nearer
And I am afraid
I yell for help
It echoes through the valley
It echoes through my soul
It comes back so faint
I barely hear myself
Alone.
I must fight
The encroaching fog
Alone
Even if you hear me
You cannot get here in time
The ground is unstable
The roots lie on the ground
Nothing can grow here
The fog is too near
I keep fumbling and stumbling
Trying to run from the fog
That incredible, dense fog
Every part of me fights
My muscles strain with
All my might
Closer, closer, almost here
I am running for my life
I don't want to die
In a Fog.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Out of Sorts.
I feel a little out of sorts this week, so I am going to try to explain it all... bare with me! Last night I didn't sleep well, I felt so sad and lost and near tears. It was one of those nights where you are awake every hour, on the hour and are convinced that you do not sleep in between although you must have.
I had my blood work done. Apparently I have practically no iron stores in my body. I went from an iron count of 26 in March coming home from Ghana where we didn't eat meat or anything else that I know has iron in it, to a lousy 10 last week. 15 is the lowest a person's iron counts should be. I guess I wasn't really thinking, I didn't ask her why my iron counts could have plummeted, but I did tell her that I think it is odd when I eat a more balanced diet here than we ever did while I was in Ghana. I am now on Iron Pills to try to bring myself up to a better level. So far (after a whole 3 days), I feel no difference. I am still sleeping many hours a day. I still need a nap. It's pretty pathetic. And, it makes me know that I cannot really go traveling when my body is so unstable. That breaks my heart. All I want right now is to be in Ghana, but there are a lot of big “what-ifs” out there about my health. I see my doctor again in the middle of October, after I get my blood tested again. That is two weeks from when I want to leave. What do I do? Do I book my tickets anyways? Do I wait and see? Do I go despite it all? Do I go without being able to get travel insurance? Give me the answers I need. Please. Going back to Ghana is all I have been thinking about for months. Feels pretty normal to me that it would be my body that makes this impossible for me. My body, which the random bleeding bothered me for 5 years. My body which the doctors tell me is normal when abnormal things are happening. My body: the cause of my demise.
Another issue that is plaguing me these days. Nathaniel. I know I adore the child, and I am pretty sure he adores me as well. Am I doing the right thing by keeping him in my life, or I am just going to hurt him in the long run? That is exactly the situation I am trying to avoid. I know the pain of abandonment, I know how much it hurts to love someone and have them disappear from your life. And I know it is even harder when you are little. When you are little, those questions of “what did I do wrong” become ingrained in your thinking, following throughout your entire adult life as well. Hurting him is the last thing I want to do to him. The thought of him believing in love the way that a lot of adults in his life belief, breaks my heart. He is such an amazing little boy. However, I do plan on leaving him. Not him in particular, but Canada and the life I live here. Of course, there are more issues that relate to Nathaniel that come entirely from me. When I start dating, is whoever I date going to be okay with the fact that I am still with my ex's family? Is he going to be okay with that I hang out with his son on a regular basis? Will it be okay that I call my ex's mom 'Mom'? I asked an old friend (who I might still have a crush on, ten years later) what he would think if it were him dating me. He said that he understands that past relationships remain a part of your life, because you were with them for so long. He said that especially in regards to my friendship with my ex's son that he understands that. He said that he hated people that 'abandon' children. I laughed with relief. But I think it might be a divorced kid mentality. He says that I just shouldn't date anyone that doesn't understand.
I am going out to Travis' grandparents next weekend. I am hoping to take Nathaniel with me. I see it as a “Goodbye” to his grandparents. I have somewhat decided that I am keeping Mom and Nathaniel in my life, and that's all there is to it. However, I think I am going to let go of the rest. I want to see Don and Betty again. I want them to know that I appreciate all they did for us. And I want Nathaniel to be able to see them too. On the phone they told me that they don't see him very often at all. That makes me so sad, but it is not really my problem. I can decide to be there for Nathaniel, but I cannot make others be. Everyone else is just as able to call Natasha and arrange visits as I am. So, hopefully Nate and I will go out there. Some of Trav's cousins will be out there too, which will be nice. If we develop friendships, it is totally because we have decided to. It is no longer a 'family' type connection. I know it is a healthy move I am making to say some goodbyes, but it still makes me so sad. Trav's family all accepted me and welcomed me into the family within minutes of meeting me. I have never felt that acceptance before. Don't get me wrong, as most of you that read this are my family, but that is different. We have known each other for ever. You were forced to love me as a child and now you love me because I am me, or something!
I applied for school yesterday, well I mailed the application. The application was really long, and hard. It told me to use any resources I needed to use, but it was hard. It hurt my head. It made me wonder if I am cut out for this program. It is a month and it is really intense. Yes, I am afraid. It's been three years since I was in school, and school came pretty easy to me. Writing essays was like writing my poetry. The BS just flowed out of me! This is real. This will challenge everything I am. This is 8 grueling hours a day, five days a week, for a month, plus homework! If I am as tired as I am right now, that will also mean frustrated tears as well! What if I cannot do it? What if I don't even get accepted? This course is my future. Oh God. What do I do?
As previously alluded to, I seem to have a crush. This is throwing me for loops as well. I have not seen him in years, but the minute we started chatting again, all those old feelings bubbled up from somewhere deep inside of me. I didn't know they still existed. I haven't thought about him in ages. We are supposed to hang out this weekend, but we haven't made any firm plans. What am I doing, thinking about a relationship when I just want to leave the country? Am I thinking about it because I am lonely? Am I thinking about it to prove a point? Do I merely want people to know that I have moved on? Have I? I don't have any of these answers. I had emailed Trav the other day, and he responded last night. Although the email had nothing to do with me per say, it made me sad, and I cannot explain why. Maybe I was just sad already. I seem to have a lot going on my mind right now, none of which is really good. I currently feel like all the dreams I have been working on this year are collapsing at my feet, when all I want is to live them! I don't know why I feel like this either. Everything is going well! Why am I falling apart? Maybe it is because I am pretty much unemployed – don't even get me started on Walmart who hired me almost a month ago! I have two 3 hour shifts and a full day scheduled at CNC between today and October 12th. Pretty lame hey?
Anyways, I have to go to counseling today, to see what I get for a new counselor for the fall. I am working on being active again, so I think I will walk down there, although I will probably have to take the bus to work to get there on time. I think the day I told you I swam 3 kms was a lie. I swam 2.5 kms on Tuesday and it took me an hour and a half. Not sure what happened to my math, but I know that Tuesday's was correct, as the lanes are only 25 metres long (painfully short!) and I did 100 lengths. I walked up the hill yesterday. So today, so that I do not get lazy, I am going to walk downtown to my meeting. Big Brothers says that hopefully we can start up again next week. I am going to make whatever day I see Nickolas the day I also probably do my counseling and swimming if I can swing it. That way, if I were to work at WalmartSchmalmart, I could have a day where I do everything. We will see how that works into my unemployed schedule though. I could actually get a Four Seasons pass and swim downtown and then go to counseling and then go home after! Wouldn't that work nicely? But, I do need to get going if I am going to walk there – I will need to bring lunch with me, to eat at about 4 when I am at work!
I had my blood work done. Apparently I have practically no iron stores in my body. I went from an iron count of 26 in March coming home from Ghana where we didn't eat meat or anything else that I know has iron in it, to a lousy 10 last week. 15 is the lowest a person's iron counts should be. I guess I wasn't really thinking, I didn't ask her why my iron counts could have plummeted, but I did tell her that I think it is odd when I eat a more balanced diet here than we ever did while I was in Ghana. I am now on Iron Pills to try to bring myself up to a better level. So far (after a whole 3 days), I feel no difference. I am still sleeping many hours a day. I still need a nap. It's pretty pathetic. And, it makes me know that I cannot really go traveling when my body is so unstable. That breaks my heart. All I want right now is to be in Ghana, but there are a lot of big “what-ifs” out there about my health. I see my doctor again in the middle of October, after I get my blood tested again. That is two weeks from when I want to leave. What do I do? Do I book my tickets anyways? Do I wait and see? Do I go despite it all? Do I go without being able to get travel insurance? Give me the answers I need. Please. Going back to Ghana is all I have been thinking about for months. Feels pretty normal to me that it would be my body that makes this impossible for me. My body, which the random bleeding bothered me for 5 years. My body which the doctors tell me is normal when abnormal things are happening. My body: the cause of my demise.
Another issue that is plaguing me these days. Nathaniel. I know I adore the child, and I am pretty sure he adores me as well. Am I doing the right thing by keeping him in my life, or I am just going to hurt him in the long run? That is exactly the situation I am trying to avoid. I know the pain of abandonment, I know how much it hurts to love someone and have them disappear from your life. And I know it is even harder when you are little. When you are little, those questions of “what did I do wrong” become ingrained in your thinking, following throughout your entire adult life as well. Hurting him is the last thing I want to do to him. The thought of him believing in love the way that a lot of adults in his life belief, breaks my heart. He is such an amazing little boy. However, I do plan on leaving him. Not him in particular, but Canada and the life I live here. Of course, there are more issues that relate to Nathaniel that come entirely from me. When I start dating, is whoever I date going to be okay with the fact that I am still with my ex's family? Is he going to be okay with that I hang out with his son on a regular basis? Will it be okay that I call my ex's mom 'Mom'? I asked an old friend (who I might still have a crush on, ten years later) what he would think if it were him dating me. He said that he understands that past relationships remain a part of your life, because you were with them for so long. He said that especially in regards to my friendship with my ex's son that he understands that. He said that he hated people that 'abandon' children. I laughed with relief. But I think it might be a divorced kid mentality. He says that I just shouldn't date anyone that doesn't understand.
I am going out to Travis' grandparents next weekend. I am hoping to take Nathaniel with me. I see it as a “Goodbye” to his grandparents. I have somewhat decided that I am keeping Mom and Nathaniel in my life, and that's all there is to it. However, I think I am going to let go of the rest. I want to see Don and Betty again. I want them to know that I appreciate all they did for us. And I want Nathaniel to be able to see them too. On the phone they told me that they don't see him very often at all. That makes me so sad, but it is not really my problem. I can decide to be there for Nathaniel, but I cannot make others be. Everyone else is just as able to call Natasha and arrange visits as I am. So, hopefully Nate and I will go out there. Some of Trav's cousins will be out there too, which will be nice. If we develop friendships, it is totally because we have decided to. It is no longer a 'family' type connection. I know it is a healthy move I am making to say some goodbyes, but it still makes me so sad. Trav's family all accepted me and welcomed me into the family within minutes of meeting me. I have never felt that acceptance before. Don't get me wrong, as most of you that read this are my family, but that is different. We have known each other for ever. You were forced to love me as a child and now you love me because I am me, or something!
I applied for school yesterday, well I mailed the application. The application was really long, and hard. It told me to use any resources I needed to use, but it was hard. It hurt my head. It made me wonder if I am cut out for this program. It is a month and it is really intense. Yes, I am afraid. It's been three years since I was in school, and school came pretty easy to me. Writing essays was like writing my poetry. The BS just flowed out of me! This is real. This will challenge everything I am. This is 8 grueling hours a day, five days a week, for a month, plus homework! If I am as tired as I am right now, that will also mean frustrated tears as well! What if I cannot do it? What if I don't even get accepted? This course is my future. Oh God. What do I do?
As previously alluded to, I seem to have a crush. This is throwing me for loops as well. I have not seen him in years, but the minute we started chatting again, all those old feelings bubbled up from somewhere deep inside of me. I didn't know they still existed. I haven't thought about him in ages. We are supposed to hang out this weekend, but we haven't made any firm plans. What am I doing, thinking about a relationship when I just want to leave the country? Am I thinking about it because I am lonely? Am I thinking about it to prove a point? Do I merely want people to know that I have moved on? Have I? I don't have any of these answers. I had emailed Trav the other day, and he responded last night. Although the email had nothing to do with me per say, it made me sad, and I cannot explain why. Maybe I was just sad already. I seem to have a lot going on my mind right now, none of which is really good. I currently feel like all the dreams I have been working on this year are collapsing at my feet, when all I want is to live them! I don't know why I feel like this either. Everything is going well! Why am I falling apart? Maybe it is because I am pretty much unemployed – don't even get me started on Walmart who hired me almost a month ago! I have two 3 hour shifts and a full day scheduled at CNC between today and October 12th. Pretty lame hey?
Anyways, I have to go to counseling today, to see what I get for a new counselor for the fall. I am working on being active again, so I think I will walk down there, although I will probably have to take the bus to work to get there on time. I think the day I told you I swam 3 kms was a lie. I swam 2.5 kms on Tuesday and it took me an hour and a half. Not sure what happened to my math, but I know that Tuesday's was correct, as the lanes are only 25 metres long (painfully short!) and I did 100 lengths. I walked up the hill yesterday. So today, so that I do not get lazy, I am going to walk downtown to my meeting. Big Brothers says that hopefully we can start up again next week. I am going to make whatever day I see Nickolas the day I also probably do my counseling and swimming if I can swing it. That way, if I were to work at WalmartSchmalmart, I could have a day where I do everything. We will see how that works into my unemployed schedule though. I could actually get a Four Seasons pass and swim downtown and then go to counseling and then go home after! Wouldn't that work nicely? But, I do need to get going if I am going to walk there – I will need to bring lunch with me, to eat at about 4 when I am at work!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Here's to a Good Day!
I had a fantastic day. And because it was so darn fantastic, I want to share it with you! Aren't you lucky!
Today I was presenting the orphanage at a booth at the College of New Caledonia Community Fair. I didn't have a huge turn out, a lot of people just walked by my table, but it was about what I expected. Those that did stop either stopped because they knew me and wanted to see my pictures, or because something caught their eye. I had one girl tell me she was very interested in doing something like this, as soon as she finished her nursing program. I told her that we could arrange a place for her in the clinic as well, and she looked excited. Some people looked at my pictures and announced that they could never do that, but certainly admired those that could. Some people talked about the lack of material things, and then felt a little bad themselves. Someone asked me if it was hard to look at their pictures from so far away. It was a little hard to answer – in some ways, it makes me miss them less – I cannot forget their faces when they are everywhere in picture – but in some ways, it makes me miss them more, knowing that they have grown so much in the last six months, and that I can no longer hear their voices. I probably gave away less than 10 fliers! I did however give a flyer to Volunteer PG – and the lady there asked me if I would be willing to do a small presentation for their members (of which, I think I am one – I get the emails for all the postings anyways!) about a volunteering abroad kind of thing. I told her that I was more than happy to talk about my experiences in Ghana, and how anyone can help. That will be good! On a side note, I still need to go back to the church as well, maybe that can help us via donations or volunteers as well! I told people that for about $3000 you could get to Ghana and back, and have between $500 and $1000 for spending money. This impressed people – it was like most still think that flying overseas is incredibly expensive, whereas, I can actually get to Ghana cheaper than I could fly across Canada sometimes! All in all, I would say that it was a good day, and I certainly enjoyed talking to people about the kids and all the fun I had in Ghana. The biggest question was “would you go back” and my answer, of course, is “absolutely - I am working on finding tickets for Christmas right now”. That's always a good selling point when the person is going back themselves! If I go back early, Katherine will be there, and I can see how amazing she has been (not that I don't know this already) with raising over $10 000 for the orphanage building! Of course, I will see this anyways, but I can see it with her!
After my lovely time with my orphans, I killed an hour with Sonya and then headed to work. Unfortunately, there was no work to be done, and three hours to be killed. Nearing the end of my shift, someone asked me if I wanted to be busy. I said I much preferred that to doing nothing – admitting that there is only so much I can rely on Facebook to keep me entertained for! She gave me a small project that she says I can work on for the next 2 nights I am in to work as well, since there was only half an hour tonight left for me to work on it. I got a pretty good start on it, and was more than happy to do it for them!
I rushed home from work, gobbled down dinner, and headed back out to a coffee date. Sadly, I called it a date to a friend of Mom's and got the lecture that it is not a date unless you are dating or planning on dating or whatever, and to never kiss on the first date! My friend, whom I was going out with, is engaged, and I have no plans of EVER messing around with someone engaged or married! I told him this story, and he laughed saying he would have thought when I said 'date' that it was just what we were on – a coffee date with an old friend. But, in the past, I have gotten myself in trouble using the word date when I say something simple like “it's a date” and the other party goes “uh, wait, what?”. Dave and I chatted for 2 hours before we headed on home. It was so nice to sit and talk with him. He was my best friend in grades 8 through 10, and continued to be my good friend beyond that. We have always been able to chat quickly on the street when we run into each other, but have never actually hung out since probably grade 10. We laughed a lot, which is always a good sign! We both promised that we should do it again soon, and that I should meet his fiancee. I hope it's true, because I do miss him! And he is someone worth missing – he is a genuinely good guy. He has always been there for me, he has always stood by my side when I needed someone. It appears that he would still do the same for me today.
I have a confession to make though. I only just realized this, or at least only just admitted it to myself. There is not a man in the world who has shown me attention (which I enjoyed, as opposed to those who creep me out), who I have not claimed love for. Dave was probably the first, but at least I always just called him my best friend. I am not sure what I would have said had he ever asked me out over the years. Daveypoo; oh, I would have done anything for that punk kid! <3>
Anyways, today was amazing, but I should have been in bed at least an hour ago, so now I am going to say goodnight and head off to dream, hopefully about my babies and of no horror! Wouldn't that be nice!
Hey, thanks for loving me. I really appreciate it. And I really love you too!
Today I was presenting the orphanage at a booth at the College of New Caledonia Community Fair. I didn't have a huge turn out, a lot of people just walked by my table, but it was about what I expected. Those that did stop either stopped because they knew me and wanted to see my pictures, or because something caught their eye. I had one girl tell me she was very interested in doing something like this, as soon as she finished her nursing program. I told her that we could arrange a place for her in the clinic as well, and she looked excited. Some people looked at my pictures and announced that they could never do that, but certainly admired those that could. Some people talked about the lack of material things, and then felt a little bad themselves. Someone asked me if it was hard to look at their pictures from so far away. It was a little hard to answer – in some ways, it makes me miss them less – I cannot forget their faces when they are everywhere in picture – but in some ways, it makes me miss them more, knowing that they have grown so much in the last six months, and that I can no longer hear their voices. I probably gave away less than 10 fliers! I did however give a flyer to Volunteer PG – and the lady there asked me if I would be willing to do a small presentation for their members (of which, I think I am one – I get the emails for all the postings anyways!) about a volunteering abroad kind of thing. I told her that I was more than happy to talk about my experiences in Ghana, and how anyone can help. That will be good! On a side note, I still need to go back to the church as well, maybe that can help us via donations or volunteers as well! I told people that for about $3000 you could get to Ghana and back, and have between $500 and $1000 for spending money. This impressed people – it was like most still think that flying overseas is incredibly expensive, whereas, I can actually get to Ghana cheaper than I could fly across Canada sometimes! All in all, I would say that it was a good day, and I certainly enjoyed talking to people about the kids and all the fun I had in Ghana. The biggest question was “would you go back” and my answer, of course, is “absolutely - I am working on finding tickets for Christmas right now”. That's always a good selling point when the person is going back themselves! If I go back early, Katherine will be there, and I can see how amazing she has been (not that I don't know this already) with raising over $10 000 for the orphanage building! Of course, I will see this anyways, but I can see it with her!
After my lovely time with my orphans, I killed an hour with Sonya and then headed to work. Unfortunately, there was no work to be done, and three hours to be killed. Nearing the end of my shift, someone asked me if I wanted to be busy. I said I much preferred that to doing nothing – admitting that there is only so much I can rely on Facebook to keep me entertained for! She gave me a small project that she says I can work on for the next 2 nights I am in to work as well, since there was only half an hour tonight left for me to work on it. I got a pretty good start on it, and was more than happy to do it for them!
I rushed home from work, gobbled down dinner, and headed back out to a coffee date. Sadly, I called it a date to a friend of Mom's and got the lecture that it is not a date unless you are dating or planning on dating or whatever, and to never kiss on the first date! My friend, whom I was going out with, is engaged, and I have no plans of EVER messing around with someone engaged or married! I told him this story, and he laughed saying he would have thought when I said 'date' that it was just what we were on – a coffee date with an old friend. But, in the past, I have gotten myself in trouble using the word date when I say something simple like “it's a date” and the other party goes “uh, wait, what?”. Dave and I chatted for 2 hours before we headed on home. It was so nice to sit and talk with him. He was my best friend in grades 8 through 10, and continued to be my good friend beyond that. We have always been able to chat quickly on the street when we run into each other, but have never actually hung out since probably grade 10. We laughed a lot, which is always a good sign! We both promised that we should do it again soon, and that I should meet his fiancee. I hope it's true, because I do miss him! And he is someone worth missing – he is a genuinely good guy. He has always been there for me, he has always stood by my side when I needed someone. It appears that he would still do the same for me today.
I have a confession to make though. I only just realized this, or at least only just admitted it to myself. There is not a man in the world who has shown me attention (which I enjoyed, as opposed to those who creep me out), who I have not claimed love for. Dave was probably the first, but at least I always just called him my best friend. I am not sure what I would have said had he ever asked me out over the years. Daveypoo; oh, I would have done anything for that punk kid! <3>
Anyways, today was amazing, but I should have been in bed at least an hour ago, so now I am going to say goodnight and head off to dream, hopefully about my babies and of no horror! Wouldn't that be nice!
Hey, thanks for loving me. I really appreciate it. And I really love you too!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Blogging at Work!
I am at work (shhhh, don’t tell the boss!) and I am bored out of my ever living mind. I did the pile of work that was left for me within the first hour and a half of my 3 hour shift. I got sidetracked on my way in, so I didn’t stop and pick up any more work from other offices, but they didn’t look happy to see me yesterday anyways…. Can you imagine that? Here I am, working for the other offices for free (obviously this office is paying me), and they are not thrilled to see me? But I did get to talk to a couple of friends on my way in, which is better than work anyways! I have 3 more shifts in this office, and then, nothing planned until Thanksgiving. God I wish I didn’t miss the Walmart orientation last week! If only they had called me, I would have been there despite that I had work scheduled for one more day! At any rate, here I am. I turned down an interview today. It was for Coles Bookstore (our Chapters), and I actually felt bad that I would screw them over for Christmas, so I told her straight out that I was planning to be in Ghana for Christmas. She told me to please re-apply when I return, so that’s good at least! Maybe I should just go to Ghana for longer! Screw this working for a living shit! Let’s go! At this rate, that is looking like the best idea. Can I really start a job only to leave 2 months in? I don’t want to screw over my employers, I want to work! I like to work! It keeps me busy and out of trouble! Why doesn’t anyone want to let me work! Now that this idea has crossed my mind, it is what I want to do. I was looking at flights today, and I can do a round trip from Vancouver for $1500 right now when I want to go (those flights were November 24th to December 28th or something. Maybe I will look into sooner, and go for longer. It’s the flight that is my biggest expense after all! May as well make it worth it! Then I can find a job to get me through when I get home. I would even be happy with Walmart! Sadly my school hasn’t posted the 2011 dates yet, and I am anxious to get that going. I have printed the forms, but I haven’t dealt with them yet. Ideally, my tickets can be booked around that! But, I am somewhat making friends again, so maybe New Year’s Eve here would be fun – it wasn’t amazing in Ghana! Although I love BC, this is just not working for me right now!
I ran into one of my best friends from high school today. I had texted him a month or so ago (I bet longer), and hadn’t heard back from him, but then, I am sure I was at least a year late in texting him. We haven’t hung out since high school – and more in junior high than senior high – but we have always managed to stay at least in contact. I normally know where is his at, and what he is doing. We are Facebook friends so we can follow each other from a distance. Anyways, I was walking by his work today, and saw him out front, so I popped in to say hi. He said that his life has become a gong show, but he was just thinking about how he never texted me back, and that he should. We have tentative plans to hang out tomorrow after I get off work, as he, of course, has a day-time job. As I walked away, on the rest of my journey, it made me smile. It’s been probably seven years since we last hung out, and we have never really talked since. But, we are still friends, and we still hang out. I am glad he still cares about me enough to want to go for coffee. And, I am happy with myself. I am finally in a place where I don’t mind having coffee with people, because I am not just another sob-story. My life is on track too! I love it when I can tell only good things, as opposed to my depressed monologue that has been so common!
I went out with the girls last night. They are a new group, who I actually met through Trav’s roommate – but I think I would have met most of them through my Student Union contact anyways. We watched a movie at the theatre – Going The Distance is hilarious, by the way. They are going to try to do it weekly. It’s nice to have something like that to start to make friends with - there is the basic chit-chat before and after the show, but less full-out conversation which tends to make me nervous sometimes. I am going to try really hard to go to Nina’s birthday party – at least until they hit the bars – so that I can make even more friends! Of course, these are the people that I am thinking I might spend New Years with already! It has been a long time since I have had a group of friends!
I am show casing the Orphanage tomorrow at CNC’s Community Fair. I am pretty excited for it. I have my brochures all packed and ready, the computer, the scrapbooks, and the extension cord. I hope people stop and talk to me about it. But no matter what, I know that people will be excited by the pictures and things as well.
I don’t think the picture book I sent to Ghana with a professor from CNC made it to them. I will have to contact Jacob and see what is going on. I will just bring it with me! For Pete’s Sake! It is so difficult to deal with people sometimes! I was afraid that Eddie would be difficult – I am not sure if he was or what happened, but I am annoyed that it didn’t make it there as I had planned! I was especially worried when we pulled out of IVHQ :(
I still have half an hour left to kill, but sadly, I think I am out of words!
I ran into one of my best friends from high school today. I had texted him a month or so ago (I bet longer), and hadn’t heard back from him, but then, I am sure I was at least a year late in texting him. We haven’t hung out since high school – and more in junior high than senior high – but we have always managed to stay at least in contact. I normally know where is his at, and what he is doing. We are Facebook friends so we can follow each other from a distance. Anyways, I was walking by his work today, and saw him out front, so I popped in to say hi. He said that his life has become a gong show, but he was just thinking about how he never texted me back, and that he should. We have tentative plans to hang out tomorrow after I get off work, as he, of course, has a day-time job. As I walked away, on the rest of my journey, it made me smile. It’s been probably seven years since we last hung out, and we have never really talked since. But, we are still friends, and we still hang out. I am glad he still cares about me enough to want to go for coffee. And, I am happy with myself. I am finally in a place where I don’t mind having coffee with people, because I am not just another sob-story. My life is on track too! I love it when I can tell only good things, as opposed to my depressed monologue that has been so common!
I went out with the girls last night. They are a new group, who I actually met through Trav’s roommate – but I think I would have met most of them through my Student Union contact anyways. We watched a movie at the theatre – Going The Distance is hilarious, by the way. They are going to try to do it weekly. It’s nice to have something like that to start to make friends with - there is the basic chit-chat before and after the show, but less full-out conversation which tends to make me nervous sometimes. I am going to try really hard to go to Nina’s birthday party – at least until they hit the bars – so that I can make even more friends! Of course, these are the people that I am thinking I might spend New Years with already! It has been a long time since I have had a group of friends!
I am show casing the Orphanage tomorrow at CNC’s Community Fair. I am pretty excited for it. I have my brochures all packed and ready, the computer, the scrapbooks, and the extension cord. I hope people stop and talk to me about it. But no matter what, I know that people will be excited by the pictures and things as well.
I don’t think the picture book I sent to Ghana with a professor from CNC made it to them. I will have to contact Jacob and see what is going on. I will just bring it with me! For Pete’s Sake! It is so difficult to deal with people sometimes! I was afraid that Eddie would be difficult – I am not sure if he was or what happened, but I am annoyed that it didn’t make it there as I had planned! I was especially worried when we pulled out of IVHQ :(
I still have half an hour left to kill, but sadly, I think I am out of words!
Monday, September 6, 2010
Ancient Forest
Mom and I went to the Ancient Forest today. I have never been before – I didn't even know it was there until maybe two years ago. But there it is. Just an hour and a half from Prince George, is an ancient Rain Forest – trees 2000 plus years old! Cedar tress in Prince George! And it was incredible! It was just a two hour walk through the forest, and you see so much! Cedar tress, devil's club, waterfalls. It was incredible! And the colours were devine! They even showed up on my camera perfectly! It was really muddy, but I think that just added to the adventure of today! The sun came out for us, it was decently warm even. 
We tramped through the mud, tried not to slip on wet roots and rocks, used Grandad's walking poles, and just had a lovely time! I was really glad we went and I think mom is too! I thought I had lots of words for this, but apparently I have none! It made me want to do more of the hikes around Prince George area. Maybe mom and I can throw one or two more in before the snow falls. We really do have so much beauty in our own backyard! A man we met on the trail said that he went to Cheslatta falls the other day and was stunned by the beauty of it. He said that although the forest was neat, the falls were incredible. 
Oh so much I want to see! I have a lot I want to do these days. I want to go to Cinema and see the Reynolds Grandparents. I want to see Nathaniel again, and I want him to see them. I miss the kid! Mom and I are going somewhere fun next weekend, so that should be fun! I want to see so much of our own backyard that somehow I have missed my entire life! le sigh I mowed the lawn today. When I washed the lawn mower out at the end of the day, it looked like it could have been an elephant poop stuck in the bottom of it! Mom took 3 shovels to clear it off the sidewalk! That was fun.... I don't have much to say.
I just wanted to tell you what a great day I had at the ancient forest today!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Doctors, Careers and Things!
Ah. Life.
I was congratulated on being full of life today, and of living life to the fullest. I wanted to laugh at the man who said it. I knew he was being sincere as well (which also catches me off guard sometimes!). Most of it is because of my African adventures, which are obviously not stopping anytime soon. He told me how wise I was to not be settling down at my age. I laughed and told him a year ago, I was. A year ago, had I got the job I thought I wanted, I would have settled down. I had that ring I wanted on my finger, a job I wanted, and the life I wanted stretching out before me. However, a year ago, I was also without dreams or destination. A year ago, I thought that going to Africa might give me direction, but I also naively assumed I would be able to do it from home. Now I realize that the breakup was a blessing in disguise. The breakup has allowed the dreams that blossomed in Ghana to come alive. Today, I can’t wait to get out of dodge. It is not so much that I don’t like it here (because, ultimately, I do. I grew up here. Here is all I know), as a desire to see what else the world offers. I found that I loved living in Africa. I loved that for once, the society was not materialistic. I felt like I fit in. I have never really felt like I fit in here. The man I was talking to today (a co-worker) asked how I was viewed by my cohorts. I told him that I had never fit in, had always been thought of as different, and that they all thought I was nuts for doing what I am doing. I don’t feel this so much now that I talk about teaching English overseas, but I when I mention that Africa or South America is my current goal, that look reappears again. Teaching English is, I suppose, respectable; living in poverty, by choice, is crazy. However, the choice is mine, especially since I am no longer tied to Prince George as I once was. For the next year or so, my travels will bring me home regularly. After this year, I cannot say what is in store (really, if I am honest, I cannot say what the next hour has in store, but I can think I know…)
I have decided that no job will hold me back from my dreams either. If Walmart (ha, Walmart) doesn’t let me take my two months off, then I will quit. *shrugs* Not a big load off my shoulders. CNC is normally pretty quiet in December anyways. And I am going to school in January. There shouldn’t be anyone who holds that against me! No, I have not yet got into school – Global Village has not yet posted the dates for 2011, but assured me they would soon. But, I am confident I will be going to school. If not… Walmart! Speaking of Walmart… I was wondering today about Orientation (which would then allow me to start working there…) I got home and there was a phone message left at 1030 this morning. They never tried my cell. It tells me that orientation is tomorrow. Again, I cannot go. Since I got home just about 6, I called them back and left a message saying this. I guess that means I wait ANOTHER couple of weeks. If orientation could have only been on Saturday, I would have been golden, but no. Friday. I find this extra lame, seeing as tomorrow is my last full day of scheduled work. Extra, extra lame because the College Store decided I was no good to them because I needed 3 hours off one day for a previous commitment. I have five, three hour shifts in the next 2 weeks. Back to being a bum I guess. And worse, Nathaniel starts school on Wednesday, so I cannot even steal him for the day and head to Cinema to see the Grandparents! Dumb school, now I have to plan for weekends!
I went to the doctor today. She agreed to take my blood again, hoping that something would come up that explains why I am sleeping 10 hours a night and still struggling through the day. I am also so tired that one harsh word almost puts me into tears! She asked if I had been in contact with someone with Mono. I said not to my knowledge. Mono. What a scary word to throw out there! But, not as scary as other words I have heard. Mono is treatable if I have picked it up somewhere. Of course, after she says Mono, I go… maybe it’s Malaria… about the same likelihood I think! Okay okay, maybe not, but Malaria could technically be a problem, although I am sure I would be sick, as opposed to just tired. Maybe I had a slow acting testi fly! Maybe it is slowly killing me. Yes, I am aware I have an over active imagination – just look at the dreams I have every night! Anyways, my doctor also told me that I have low blood pressure, and therefore need to eat more salt. Salt? Really? She asked if I eat meat, red meat in particular. I said I do. Just to be on the safe side, I am currently cooking a hamburger helper – it has red meat and probably loads of salt! She is sending me to the lab to get my blood taken. I am going to fast as well. We did this when I came home from Ghana and everything was normal, but it’s been months and I have the same things going on. Maybe she will see something fun when she compares samples! We didn’t discuss my anti-depressants, which I thought we might. There was talk long ago about changing them once I was stable to see if that helps. I guess it’s more logical to check my blood first though! I have about a month left in my anti-depressants before I need a new prescription anyways. So, if nothing stops me, I will go to the lab on Saturday morning. If something does stop me – well, I am hardly working from now on!
I am doing a presentation on Thursday – well a booth I guess – on the orphanage. I am really excited about it. I have put together a slide show which outlines a typical day, and shows each of our children individually. The children are the children I knew, and I know that they have changed in faces and numbers since then. Last night I put together a brochure, which I had printed today at the College. Rusty did a pretty good job – they even came folded! In some ways I wish I could have folded them – the pages don’t quite line up properly, but if they were folded just right they do… but I am thankful that they came back to me folded, as it is so much less work for me! I am really happy with the way my projects are turning out. It is the first time I have made a movie on the computer. They are my first brochures. They are not amazing, but I am proud of them nonetheless. They are my creations, and if I may, I did a damn good job on them! Hopefully I can raise at least a little awareness about the orphanage, and maybe get some donations or people interested!
My dinner is ready, and I am conveniently out of words! I love you!
I was congratulated on being full of life today, and of living life to the fullest. I wanted to laugh at the man who said it. I knew he was being sincere as well (which also catches me off guard sometimes!). Most of it is because of my African adventures, which are obviously not stopping anytime soon. He told me how wise I was to not be settling down at my age. I laughed and told him a year ago, I was. A year ago, had I got the job I thought I wanted, I would have settled down. I had that ring I wanted on my finger, a job I wanted, and the life I wanted stretching out before me. However, a year ago, I was also without dreams or destination. A year ago, I thought that going to Africa might give me direction, but I also naively assumed I would be able to do it from home. Now I realize that the breakup was a blessing in disguise. The breakup has allowed the dreams that blossomed in Ghana to come alive. Today, I can’t wait to get out of dodge. It is not so much that I don’t like it here (because, ultimately, I do. I grew up here. Here is all I know), as a desire to see what else the world offers. I found that I loved living in Africa. I loved that for once, the society was not materialistic. I felt like I fit in. I have never really felt like I fit in here. The man I was talking to today (a co-worker) asked how I was viewed by my cohorts. I told him that I had never fit in, had always been thought of as different, and that they all thought I was nuts for doing what I am doing. I don’t feel this so much now that I talk about teaching English overseas, but I when I mention that Africa or South America is my current goal, that look reappears again. Teaching English is, I suppose, respectable; living in poverty, by choice, is crazy. However, the choice is mine, especially since I am no longer tied to Prince George as I once was. For the next year or so, my travels will bring me home regularly. After this year, I cannot say what is in store (really, if I am honest, I cannot say what the next hour has in store, but I can think I know…)
I have decided that no job will hold me back from my dreams either. If Walmart (ha, Walmart) doesn’t let me take my two months off, then I will quit. *shrugs* Not a big load off my shoulders. CNC is normally pretty quiet in December anyways. And I am going to school in January. There shouldn’t be anyone who holds that against me! No, I have not yet got into school – Global Village has not yet posted the dates for 2011, but assured me they would soon. But, I am confident I will be going to school. If not… Walmart! Speaking of Walmart… I was wondering today about Orientation (which would then allow me to start working there…) I got home and there was a phone message left at 1030 this morning. They never tried my cell. It tells me that orientation is tomorrow. Again, I cannot go. Since I got home just about 6, I called them back and left a message saying this. I guess that means I wait ANOTHER couple of weeks. If orientation could have only been on Saturday, I would have been golden, but no. Friday. I find this extra lame, seeing as tomorrow is my last full day of scheduled work. Extra, extra lame because the College Store decided I was no good to them because I needed 3 hours off one day for a previous commitment. I have five, three hour shifts in the next 2 weeks. Back to being a bum I guess. And worse, Nathaniel starts school on Wednesday, so I cannot even steal him for the day and head to Cinema to see the Grandparents! Dumb school, now I have to plan for weekends!
I went to the doctor today. She agreed to take my blood again, hoping that something would come up that explains why I am sleeping 10 hours a night and still struggling through the day. I am also so tired that one harsh word almost puts me into tears! She asked if I had been in contact with someone with Mono. I said not to my knowledge. Mono. What a scary word to throw out there! But, not as scary as other words I have heard. Mono is treatable if I have picked it up somewhere. Of course, after she says Mono, I go… maybe it’s Malaria… about the same likelihood I think! Okay okay, maybe not, but Malaria could technically be a problem, although I am sure I would be sick, as opposed to just tired. Maybe I had a slow acting testi fly! Maybe it is slowly killing me. Yes, I am aware I have an over active imagination – just look at the dreams I have every night! Anyways, my doctor also told me that I have low blood pressure, and therefore need to eat more salt. Salt? Really? She asked if I eat meat, red meat in particular. I said I do. Just to be on the safe side, I am currently cooking a hamburger helper – it has red meat and probably loads of salt! She is sending me to the lab to get my blood taken. I am going to fast as well. We did this when I came home from Ghana and everything was normal, but it’s been months and I have the same things going on. Maybe she will see something fun when she compares samples! We didn’t discuss my anti-depressants, which I thought we might. There was talk long ago about changing them once I was stable to see if that helps. I guess it’s more logical to check my blood first though! I have about a month left in my anti-depressants before I need a new prescription anyways. So, if nothing stops me, I will go to the lab on Saturday morning. If something does stop me – well, I am hardly working from now on!
I am doing a presentation on Thursday – well a booth I guess – on the orphanage. I am really excited about it. I have put together a slide show which outlines a typical day, and shows each of our children individually. The children are the children I knew, and I know that they have changed in faces and numbers since then. Last night I put together a brochure, which I had printed today at the College. Rusty did a pretty good job – they even came folded! In some ways I wish I could have folded them – the pages don’t quite line up properly, but if they were folded just right they do… but I am thankful that they came back to me folded, as it is so much less work for me! I am really happy with the way my projects are turning out. It is the first time I have made a movie on the computer. They are my first brochures. They are not amazing, but I am proud of them nonetheless. They are my creations, and if I may, I did a damn good job on them! Hopefully I can raise at least a little awareness about the orphanage, and maybe get some donations or people interested!
My dinner is ready, and I am conveniently out of words! I love you!
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