I am bothered, annoyed, irritated and just plain cranky, and I don't have many excuses as to why. I am getting a cold, but that only explains part of my... mood. I am still exhausted, all the time. I take 600 mg of Iron every night before bed, but we are only on like week two of that. I am terrified that when I go to the Doctor today for my PAP and ask her about what she thinks of me traveling, she will say No Way Jose! Where does my life stand then? What happens to me if I cannot go to Ghana? I know what you are thinking: you will survive and make a new plan. The problem is, I don't want to; not at all. I want to go to Ghana, I don't want to be here. Right now I feel like every step I take is putting me back a step as well, and I don't like it. Maybe it would be different if I had a job...
Walmart called me last night. Orientation is on Friday night, and is my last chance apparently. The girl said since we have been playing phone tag since August, I obviously don't want to work for them, if I cannot come to this orientation. So, if I couldn't come on Friday night, I would have to re-apply for the position. What a load of crap that is! I have been on their butts since early August about everything. I told them my exact schedule. Instead of deciding to have a orientation on a Tuesday instead of a Friday, they have one that they know I cannot go to! Then decide at some point that they only have my house number, and refuse to call my cell phone (look on the resume Genius. Both numbers are right there.) They don't get the messages I leave them, and then call me at home even though I have given them a number to reach me at for the entire day. And now, it is me that doesn't want to work. Two months ago, when I applied for the damn job, I was ready and willing to work. I had complete flexibility and completely open schedules. As time continued to pass and they continued to not call me in, I continued to find bits of work, here and there. Now, I am not sure I want to be there; now I am not sure I want to work at all, let alone for them. But, I see my doctor today, she can hopefully shed a little light on my situation. If I cannot travel, then I guess I had better find a job... But if I CAN travel as I want to, then is it worth it? Or should I just re-apply when I am ready to work for them? I don't know the right answers, but I told them I would be there. My conversation with the girl left me very angry though. It would suck for them to have to take responsibility for screwing around their potential employees now wouldn't it? I also had plans for my Friday night for once. I was going to go to the “Take Back the Night” ceremonies that supports and remembers women and children who have suffered from abuse. It was going to be my first time going, and I was fairly excited for it. But, unless I decide to shove Walmart up my ass... I guess I won't be going. Lame.
I met with my new counselor yesterday. Her name is Betty and I seem to really like her as well. I think it will be a very different kind of counseling than I had with Kelly, and I think that will be good for me as well. I used Kelly almost more as just a friend that anything else. I talked, but we didn't really dig into any of my issues. Betty seems willing and able to help me dig a little bit. The first time I met with Kelly, she had told me that sometimes I would leave counseling feeling better, sometimes I would leave feeling worse. Either way, it was healing, and it was right. I always left feeling neutral or better, from having talked about it for an hour with someone willing to listen and to support. Yesterday, after giving Betty my background, I felt tears in my throat. I even heard my voice crack at one point while I was talking. Kelly's words echoed through my head. Betty wants to deal with the cognitive and emotional levels together to make a whole. I can already tell that this is going to go much deeper within myself than I have ever gone before. I am a little excited and a little fearful of what we will find and accomplish. Betty is only in the program until the end of this semester, so we don't have too long – even less so if I can travel as I desire to! She put a lot of things I was saying into concise little word packages which summed everything up so completely that I was surprised there was a short way to say it. Although I liked Kelly, I think that Betty is already a better counselor than Kelly was. But then again, I think Kelly was perfect for what I needed at the time: someone to talk to about the chaos my life had become. Now that my life is less chaos and more settled, it's time to dig, and Betty is the perfect person to help me through this stage. Ryan the organizer is just that good!
Tuesdays have become my everything day. I am essentially busy that day without work. I am going to start seeing Nickolas on Tuesday mornings starting next week (because I missed the 10:30 phone call yesterday saying I could start at 11 am...). I go swimming on Tuesdays (I am going today if I can convince myself I can do it – this cold has me feeling pretty run down) and I see Betty on Tuesday afternoons. I figure that since there is no way I can see Nickolas on my lunch break from Walmart, this is the best way to do it. I just cannot work a Tuesday.
I mailed my application to the school a week ago. I haven't heard anything. I know, I am being impatient, but I just want to know. I want to plan my life. If I take a job to quit in a month, I need to know how long I am quitting for so that I can tell them! And if I am not going to be accepted, and I am allowed to travel, maybe I just stay abroad for a while longer! We all know how passionately I feel about the children in my orphanage! And I think we all know how at home I feel there. Betty and I talked for a long time yesterday about I feel different and out of place among my peers, and that I always have. In Ghana, it feels different. I am not out of place, although I am an Oboroni amongst Obobini's, I still feel like I can belong there. That is a first for me!
I guess that's about all I am going to complain about today. I hope you are out there, and I hope you are reading this. I feel very alone again this last week or two.
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