So, I quit Walmart today, before orientation tomorrow. I feel good about the choice, but still wish in a way that I could have had the chance to make the little bit of money that it would have brought. Whatever though! I don't care that much! It was too much BS for me to handle right now! I have found pretty perfect flights - all one airline and very few layovers, none of which are long! And it is the same coming home. I fly direct from Washington to Accra! And I get into Accra mid afternoon, so I could even see my babies that day! HOORAY! Erin says she will drive me from Vancouver to Seattle to save that $300 or so bucks that that tickets costs, so that is nice too. Too bad Westjet doesn't have a seat sale on.... I haven't booked it yet, although it made me very excited!
I am going to take Nathaniel bowling on Saturday rather than going to visit his family. Although I am disappointed that I cannot see Grampa and Grama, I am glad I can still have Nathaniel. I talked to Marlene today (aka Mom) and she said that she didn't think he went bowling very often. She came up with one time that she took him, but it was way over a year ago. So, hopefully, he enjoys that! Maybe I will call around and see if anyone does mid afternoon Saturday Cosmic Bowling, because that is even cooler!
While I was talking to Mom tonight, she told me that she had found this cereal that if you mix with your favorite fruit or something yummy, is great for iron. Half a cup of this cereal has 50% of your daily iron and 107% of your daily fibre in it. I am going to try it I guess. She says that she puts a little bit of molasses in it, which also has good fibre in it! Worth a shot I guess - and it is really helping her fight her cancer, so I guess it must be good! She kept telling me ways to make it taste better, and you could hear Derick int he background telling her to shut up, it was fine. We decided that he just wanted to make me feel better about eating it.
I get to work 3 hours tomorrow. Then I am going to go swimming. Don't let me back out! Then I am going to go to my first ever "Take Back the Night" since I don't have to go to Walmart. Mom and I get our eyebrows done on Saturday morning, then play with Nate for a while. If my buddy isn't too hung over on Sunday, we might hang out for a bit. Nickolas and I start on Tuesday, and then I will go swimming again (must get into a routine here!) and then I have counseling. I work again on Wednesday. I am very half-assed considering a BC trip where I go visit all my peeps, but I will probably not do it, because I am a little bit poor this year... I certainly have not done much for work!
FUNNY STORY (Unless you like her.... then I guess I am just cruel and mean)
Mom had lunch today with one of the instructors of the administrative assistant program today. My name came up in conversation (of course, Lily, the instructor has known me since I was just a wee lassie), and then Lily remembered this story that she was going to tell mom months ago.
Do you remember Jacquie? Travis's ex that caused me such a headache when he and I first started seeing each other? well, Jacquie took this program, in 2008 I believe (I was still in facilities) She still is not working in the field that they studied, and she is one of the few. She works in retail.
Lily asked her if she had applied at CNC for one of our admin assistant jobs. She said no. Lily asked why not. Jacquie's answer was that she couldn't work at CNC because Jenna works there. Lily was like Jenna who, and why the hell not? She told Lily that she cannot work in the same building as me, because I stole her boyfriend and she is still angry about it (she didn't apparently mention that she slept with my fiancee, but I know that nonetheless). Lily was just like, I see.
Mom told me this story, and I was like "that's right, Bitch. You cannot work at CNC Bitch" lol, I am very mature sometimes. Honestly, we probably couldn't work together - my willingness to like her disappeared when Trav told me that he slept with her. Actually, when Trav told me that he slept with her, it made me a lot more angry than the fact that she slept with 3 girls while I was gone - I believe that Jacquie is the only person on the planet that would get a kick out of ruining something that made me happy. I have her blocked on FB because the sight of her name (we have a lot of mutual friends) makes me angry. But, I would still be as professional as possible... and really, I am just a casual! I shouldn't matter to anyone! (I think this conversation might have come up with a why hasn't Jenna applied for a full time permanent at the college yet).
I think it's kinda perfect that that Bitch won't work at CNC as long as I am there. Saves me the hassle! I told my mom that there was now two people who wouldn't work at CNC as long as I appear there. Travis and Jacquie, and I LOVE IT!
Jacquie stories tend to piss me off, but this one made my day!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Take That! :P
For a girl who suffers from exhaustion, I am having issues sleeping today. The last couple of nights have been “tough” in falling asleep. Tonight, I cannot even get comfortable in bed. In some ways, I am kicking myself for not going swimming or anything today to get some exercise into me, but I was so tired and sick feeling this morning, I couldn't convince myself it was a good idea. But of course, something turned my brain on as I started to get ready for bed tonight as well. Most nights, I find that I am still comfortable in bed, just thinking a million things at once. Tonight, it has me turning with each new thought that comes into my head. So, I thought that maybe if I wrote it out, I would feel better and be able to sleep.
I was told today to not let my iron counts slow my travel plans down. However, I did nothing with this information all day, waiting to talk to Mom about it first. Mom got home late and we had a little discussion, but essentially that put the gears in motion. This could explain why I cannot sleep as well – there are thoughts of GHANA running through my head! (It's almost like the night before Christmas!). Mom's only comments were to make sure I had enough time to get any booster shots I need done – and to maybe look into that before I book the tickets. Good plan Mom!
I think I am going to call Walmart in the morning. I am going to explain to the girl that my life has changed drastically in the last 2 months since my interview. This is a little bit of a falsification, as this was always my plan. However, if I had started work two months ago, it wouldn't feel so … bad to me. I am going to explain that I will only have about 5 weeks before I will be gone for three months – for school and some travel. I will ask her point blank which would be better for everyone in this situation. I am assuming that I will be told to re-apply when I “am ready to work for them” (as she said in last nights Orientation phone call). Although I would like to work for the next 5 weeks, I am having moral issues with it. Work 2 weeks and put in my notice? I don't think that looks good on me, no matter how much I think they have effed me around. If they tell me that's fine and dandy with them, well then I will be there!
I realized today, after I finished my book and had accomplished nothing beyond my pap smear, that I am becoming depressed again. Okay, I knew this before (as I am sure you did as well). But, with the habits I am forming, I am digging my own grave. I know that I bailed on exercise today because I have a cold coming on. That is a valid reason to me. But, the lack of anything to do, is going to put me right back where I have fought so hard to leave. BBBS asked me the other day if I might be interested in some part time (volunteer for now) work at the new after school care centre they just opened. I told them I could definitely consider that, although, of course, it would be better if it were a paid thing. I haven't heard anything more, but that could be a useful thing for me, especially if I am not going to have my 20-25 hours a week at Walmart. I need to make an effort to get out of the house, even if I don't really have anything to do. It's time to start tanning again, so that is an hour every other day I could take on. I know it is a need to leave the house – baking all day will also not help improve my situation, although it might make me feel a little less sorry for myself for having nothing to do. Of course, it might also make me fat. I am definitely going to try for a swim on Friday. Tomorrow, I think at best, I will go to the tanning salon, and make some more muffins and things. I bought the supplies today, but couldn't make myself do anything with it. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I am working towards my dreams. It's okay that I am bored, but I need to not dwell on it! There is always the possibility that if I get a life (i.e. friends) that I might gain some of my energy back as well. It's worth a try. Everything is worth a try. What do I have to lose?
In my attempt to sleep, I also had a list of things which I want to bring to Ghana with me this time, knowing more about their needs than I did. My old counselor (Kelly) had told me that she thought she would be able to get me some backpacks of school supplies for the kids to take with me. If she can supply a lot of them, I would take up to 45. This would cover the children in our orphanage, along with those that I know in the neighbourhood. Alternatively, I could help with the local children more than our kids. This remains left to be determined, as I have not emailed Kelly yet. I want to buy packages of underwear for them – both the boys and the girls. Ideally, I would like to bring enough for 2 new pairs for each child, but that is at least 60 pairs of underpants. I might have to think about this a little. I am pretty sure we have gained some children as well. My non-artsy-ness has decided that I should bring some crafts for them as well. Whenever Andrea brought out her crafts, they really seemed to enjoy it. Maybe Christmas crafts? I guess I will see what I find that is cheap. I can already see this being a $300 bill! Too bad if Walmart doesn't still take me – I could use that 10% discount they would give me! All of this is, as usual, out of my own pocket. I know I could try to get things donated, but I feel... bad doing things like that.
I need to call that church again. It has been 10 months since I saw them! That is ridiculous and poorly planned on my part. I will call the lady who gave the biggest donation again tomorrow. She still hasn't seen the books. She told me to call her back in a couple of weeks, back in probably early July. I guess my couple of weeks takes a really long time! This is a goal for tomorrow. I figure if I have goals and projects, then I cannot be as bored and feel as sorry for myself. Again, it's worth a shot. I really should have done this months ago, I really hope they understand.
Well, well, well. I seem to be drawing blanks on anything else going through my head. Maybe I have written myself out of brain waves to keep me awake!
Church and scrapbooks.
Vaccinations.
Ticket.
Visas.
Departure date: 5 weeks!
Let my dreams come true!
I was told today to not let my iron counts slow my travel plans down. However, I did nothing with this information all day, waiting to talk to Mom about it first. Mom got home late and we had a little discussion, but essentially that put the gears in motion. This could explain why I cannot sleep as well – there are thoughts of GHANA running through my head! (It's almost like the night before Christmas!). Mom's only comments were to make sure I had enough time to get any booster shots I need done – and to maybe look into that before I book the tickets. Good plan Mom!
I think I am going to call Walmart in the morning. I am going to explain to the girl that my life has changed drastically in the last 2 months since my interview. This is a little bit of a falsification, as this was always my plan. However, if I had started work two months ago, it wouldn't feel so … bad to me. I am going to explain that I will only have about 5 weeks before I will be gone for three months – for school and some travel. I will ask her point blank which would be better for everyone in this situation. I am assuming that I will be told to re-apply when I “am ready to work for them” (as she said in last nights Orientation phone call). Although I would like to work for the next 5 weeks, I am having moral issues with it. Work 2 weeks and put in my notice? I don't think that looks good on me, no matter how much I think they have effed me around. If they tell me that's fine and dandy with them, well then I will be there!
I realized today, after I finished my book and had accomplished nothing beyond my pap smear, that I am becoming depressed again. Okay, I knew this before (as I am sure you did as well). But, with the habits I am forming, I am digging my own grave. I know that I bailed on exercise today because I have a cold coming on. That is a valid reason to me. But, the lack of anything to do, is going to put me right back where I have fought so hard to leave. BBBS asked me the other day if I might be interested in some part time (volunteer for now) work at the new after school care centre they just opened. I told them I could definitely consider that, although, of course, it would be better if it were a paid thing. I haven't heard anything more, but that could be a useful thing for me, especially if I am not going to have my 20-25 hours a week at Walmart. I need to make an effort to get out of the house, even if I don't really have anything to do. It's time to start tanning again, so that is an hour every other day I could take on. I know it is a need to leave the house – baking all day will also not help improve my situation, although it might make me feel a little less sorry for myself for having nothing to do. Of course, it might also make me fat. I am definitely going to try for a swim on Friday. Tomorrow, I think at best, I will go to the tanning salon, and make some more muffins and things. I bought the supplies today, but couldn't make myself do anything with it. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I am working towards my dreams. It's okay that I am bored, but I need to not dwell on it! There is always the possibility that if I get a life (i.e. friends) that I might gain some of my energy back as well. It's worth a try. Everything is worth a try. What do I have to lose?
In my attempt to sleep, I also had a list of things which I want to bring to Ghana with me this time, knowing more about their needs than I did. My old counselor (Kelly) had told me that she thought she would be able to get me some backpacks of school supplies for the kids to take with me. If she can supply a lot of them, I would take up to 45. This would cover the children in our orphanage, along with those that I know in the neighbourhood. Alternatively, I could help with the local children more than our kids. This remains left to be determined, as I have not emailed Kelly yet. I want to buy packages of underwear for them – both the boys and the girls. Ideally, I would like to bring enough for 2 new pairs for each child, but that is at least 60 pairs of underpants. I might have to think about this a little. I am pretty sure we have gained some children as well. My non-artsy-ness has decided that I should bring some crafts for them as well. Whenever Andrea brought out her crafts, they really seemed to enjoy it. Maybe Christmas crafts? I guess I will see what I find that is cheap. I can already see this being a $300 bill! Too bad if Walmart doesn't still take me – I could use that 10% discount they would give me! All of this is, as usual, out of my own pocket. I know I could try to get things donated, but I feel... bad doing things like that.
I need to call that church again. It has been 10 months since I saw them! That is ridiculous and poorly planned on my part. I will call the lady who gave the biggest donation again tomorrow. She still hasn't seen the books. She told me to call her back in a couple of weeks, back in probably early July. I guess my couple of weeks takes a really long time! This is a goal for tomorrow. I figure if I have goals and projects, then I cannot be as bored and feel as sorry for myself. Again, it's worth a shot. I really should have done this months ago, I really hope they understand.
Well, well, well. I seem to be drawing blanks on anything else going through my head. Maybe I have written myself out of brain waves to keep me awake!
Church and scrapbooks.
Vaccinations.
Ticket.
Visas.
Departure date: 5 weeks!
Let my dreams come true!
A Little Bit Grumpy
I am bothered, annoyed, irritated and just plain cranky, and I don't have many excuses as to why. I am getting a cold, but that only explains part of my... mood. I am still exhausted, all the time. I take 600 mg of Iron every night before bed, but we are only on like week two of that. I am terrified that when I go to the Doctor today for my PAP and ask her about what she thinks of me traveling, she will say No Way Jose! Where does my life stand then? What happens to me if I cannot go to Ghana? I know what you are thinking: you will survive and make a new plan. The problem is, I don't want to; not at all. I want to go to Ghana, I don't want to be here. Right now I feel like every step I take is putting me back a step as well, and I don't like it. Maybe it would be different if I had a job...
Walmart called me last night. Orientation is on Friday night, and is my last chance apparently. The girl said since we have been playing phone tag since August, I obviously don't want to work for them, if I cannot come to this orientation. So, if I couldn't come on Friday night, I would have to re-apply for the position. What a load of crap that is! I have been on their butts since early August about everything. I told them my exact schedule. Instead of deciding to have a orientation on a Tuesday instead of a Friday, they have one that they know I cannot go to! Then decide at some point that they only have my house number, and refuse to call my cell phone (look on the resume Genius. Both numbers are right there.) They don't get the messages I leave them, and then call me at home even though I have given them a number to reach me at for the entire day. And now, it is me that doesn't want to work. Two months ago, when I applied for the damn job, I was ready and willing to work. I had complete flexibility and completely open schedules. As time continued to pass and they continued to not call me in, I continued to find bits of work, here and there. Now, I am not sure I want to be there; now I am not sure I want to work at all, let alone for them. But, I see my doctor today, she can hopefully shed a little light on my situation. If I cannot travel, then I guess I had better find a job... But if I CAN travel as I want to, then is it worth it? Or should I just re-apply when I am ready to work for them? I don't know the right answers, but I told them I would be there. My conversation with the girl left me very angry though. It would suck for them to have to take responsibility for screwing around their potential employees now wouldn't it? I also had plans for my Friday night for once. I was going to go to the “Take Back the Night” ceremonies that supports and remembers women and children who have suffered from abuse. It was going to be my first time going, and I was fairly excited for it. But, unless I decide to shove Walmart up my ass... I guess I won't be going. Lame.
I met with my new counselor yesterday. Her name is Betty and I seem to really like her as well. I think it will be a very different kind of counseling than I had with Kelly, and I think that will be good for me as well. I used Kelly almost more as just a friend that anything else. I talked, but we didn't really dig into any of my issues. Betty seems willing and able to help me dig a little bit. The first time I met with Kelly, she had told me that sometimes I would leave counseling feeling better, sometimes I would leave feeling worse. Either way, it was healing, and it was right. I always left feeling neutral or better, from having talked about it for an hour with someone willing to listen and to support. Yesterday, after giving Betty my background, I felt tears in my throat. I even heard my voice crack at one point while I was talking. Kelly's words echoed through my head. Betty wants to deal with the cognitive and emotional levels together to make a whole. I can already tell that this is going to go much deeper within myself than I have ever gone before. I am a little excited and a little fearful of what we will find and accomplish. Betty is only in the program until the end of this semester, so we don't have too long – even less so if I can travel as I desire to! She put a lot of things I was saying into concise little word packages which summed everything up so completely that I was surprised there was a short way to say it. Although I liked Kelly, I think that Betty is already a better counselor than Kelly was. But then again, I think Kelly was perfect for what I needed at the time: someone to talk to about the chaos my life had become. Now that my life is less chaos and more settled, it's time to dig, and Betty is the perfect person to help me through this stage. Ryan the organizer is just that good!
Tuesdays have become my everything day. I am essentially busy that day without work. I am going to start seeing Nickolas on Tuesday mornings starting next week (because I missed the 10:30 phone call yesterday saying I could start at 11 am...). I go swimming on Tuesdays (I am going today if I can convince myself I can do it – this cold has me feeling pretty run down) and I see Betty on Tuesday afternoons. I figure that since there is no way I can see Nickolas on my lunch break from Walmart, this is the best way to do it. I just cannot work a Tuesday.
I mailed my application to the school a week ago. I haven't heard anything. I know, I am being impatient, but I just want to know. I want to plan my life. If I take a job to quit in a month, I need to know how long I am quitting for so that I can tell them! And if I am not going to be accepted, and I am allowed to travel, maybe I just stay abroad for a while longer! We all know how passionately I feel about the children in my orphanage! And I think we all know how at home I feel there. Betty and I talked for a long time yesterday about I feel different and out of place among my peers, and that I always have. In Ghana, it feels different. I am not out of place, although I am an Oboroni amongst Obobini's, I still feel like I can belong there. That is a first for me!
I guess that's about all I am going to complain about today. I hope you are out there, and I hope you are reading this. I feel very alone again this last week or two.
Walmart called me last night. Orientation is on Friday night, and is my last chance apparently. The girl said since we have been playing phone tag since August, I obviously don't want to work for them, if I cannot come to this orientation. So, if I couldn't come on Friday night, I would have to re-apply for the position. What a load of crap that is! I have been on their butts since early August about everything. I told them my exact schedule. Instead of deciding to have a orientation on a Tuesday instead of a Friday, they have one that they know I cannot go to! Then decide at some point that they only have my house number, and refuse to call my cell phone (look on the resume Genius. Both numbers are right there.) They don't get the messages I leave them, and then call me at home even though I have given them a number to reach me at for the entire day. And now, it is me that doesn't want to work. Two months ago, when I applied for the damn job, I was ready and willing to work. I had complete flexibility and completely open schedules. As time continued to pass and they continued to not call me in, I continued to find bits of work, here and there. Now, I am not sure I want to be there; now I am not sure I want to work at all, let alone for them. But, I see my doctor today, she can hopefully shed a little light on my situation. If I cannot travel, then I guess I had better find a job... But if I CAN travel as I want to, then is it worth it? Or should I just re-apply when I am ready to work for them? I don't know the right answers, but I told them I would be there. My conversation with the girl left me very angry though. It would suck for them to have to take responsibility for screwing around their potential employees now wouldn't it? I also had plans for my Friday night for once. I was going to go to the “Take Back the Night” ceremonies that supports and remembers women and children who have suffered from abuse. It was going to be my first time going, and I was fairly excited for it. But, unless I decide to shove Walmart up my ass... I guess I won't be going. Lame.
I met with my new counselor yesterday. Her name is Betty and I seem to really like her as well. I think it will be a very different kind of counseling than I had with Kelly, and I think that will be good for me as well. I used Kelly almost more as just a friend that anything else. I talked, but we didn't really dig into any of my issues. Betty seems willing and able to help me dig a little bit. The first time I met with Kelly, she had told me that sometimes I would leave counseling feeling better, sometimes I would leave feeling worse. Either way, it was healing, and it was right. I always left feeling neutral or better, from having talked about it for an hour with someone willing to listen and to support. Yesterday, after giving Betty my background, I felt tears in my throat. I even heard my voice crack at one point while I was talking. Kelly's words echoed through my head. Betty wants to deal with the cognitive and emotional levels together to make a whole. I can already tell that this is going to go much deeper within myself than I have ever gone before. I am a little excited and a little fearful of what we will find and accomplish. Betty is only in the program until the end of this semester, so we don't have too long – even less so if I can travel as I desire to! She put a lot of things I was saying into concise little word packages which summed everything up so completely that I was surprised there was a short way to say it. Although I liked Kelly, I think that Betty is already a better counselor than Kelly was. But then again, I think Kelly was perfect for what I needed at the time: someone to talk to about the chaos my life had become. Now that my life is less chaos and more settled, it's time to dig, and Betty is the perfect person to help me through this stage. Ryan the organizer is just that good!
Tuesdays have become my everything day. I am essentially busy that day without work. I am going to start seeing Nickolas on Tuesday mornings starting next week (because I missed the 10:30 phone call yesterday saying I could start at 11 am...). I go swimming on Tuesdays (I am going today if I can convince myself I can do it – this cold has me feeling pretty run down) and I see Betty on Tuesday afternoons. I figure that since there is no way I can see Nickolas on my lunch break from Walmart, this is the best way to do it. I just cannot work a Tuesday.
I mailed my application to the school a week ago. I haven't heard anything. I know, I am being impatient, but I just want to know. I want to plan my life. If I take a job to quit in a month, I need to know how long I am quitting for so that I can tell them! And if I am not going to be accepted, and I am allowed to travel, maybe I just stay abroad for a while longer! We all know how passionately I feel about the children in my orphanage! And I think we all know how at home I feel there. Betty and I talked for a long time yesterday about I feel different and out of place among my peers, and that I always have. In Ghana, it feels different. I am not out of place, although I am an Oboroni amongst Obobini's, I still feel like I can belong there. That is a first for me!
I guess that's about all I am going to complain about today. I hope you are out there, and I hope you are reading this. I feel very alone again this last week or two.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Fog.
There is a fog on the horizon
I can tell it is deep and penetrating
It's rolling into the valley
In which I stand
Maybe I am walking
Walking towards the fog
Walking into the fog
I don't want to be here
I don’t want the fog to come
I don't want to suffocate
I don't want to die
I cannot stop my feet
I am holding onto everything
Grasping at new roots
Which are so easily uprooted
The fog is coming nearer
And I am afraid
I yell for help
It echoes through the valley
It echoes through my soul
It comes back so faint
I barely hear myself
Alone.
I must fight
The encroaching fog
Alone
Even if you hear me
You cannot get here in time
The ground is unstable
The roots lie on the ground
Nothing can grow here
The fog is too near
I keep fumbling and stumbling
Trying to run from the fog
That incredible, dense fog
Every part of me fights
My muscles strain with
All my might
Closer, closer, almost here
I am running for my life
I don't want to die
In a Fog.
I can tell it is deep and penetrating
It's rolling into the valley
In which I stand
Maybe I am walking
Walking towards the fog
Walking into the fog
I don't want to be here
I don’t want the fog to come
I don't want to suffocate
I don't want to die
I cannot stop my feet
I am holding onto everything
Grasping at new roots
Which are so easily uprooted
The fog is coming nearer
And I am afraid
I yell for help
It echoes through the valley
It echoes through my soul
It comes back so faint
I barely hear myself
Alone.
I must fight
The encroaching fog
Alone
Even if you hear me
You cannot get here in time
The ground is unstable
The roots lie on the ground
Nothing can grow here
The fog is too near
I keep fumbling and stumbling
Trying to run from the fog
That incredible, dense fog
Every part of me fights
My muscles strain with
All my might
Closer, closer, almost here
I am running for my life
I don't want to die
In a Fog.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Out of Sorts.
I feel a little out of sorts this week, so I am going to try to explain it all... bare with me! Last night I didn't sleep well, I felt so sad and lost and near tears. It was one of those nights where you are awake every hour, on the hour and are convinced that you do not sleep in between although you must have.
I had my blood work done. Apparently I have practically no iron stores in my body. I went from an iron count of 26 in March coming home from Ghana where we didn't eat meat or anything else that I know has iron in it, to a lousy 10 last week. 15 is the lowest a person's iron counts should be. I guess I wasn't really thinking, I didn't ask her why my iron counts could have plummeted, but I did tell her that I think it is odd when I eat a more balanced diet here than we ever did while I was in Ghana. I am now on Iron Pills to try to bring myself up to a better level. So far (after a whole 3 days), I feel no difference. I am still sleeping many hours a day. I still need a nap. It's pretty pathetic. And, it makes me know that I cannot really go traveling when my body is so unstable. That breaks my heart. All I want right now is to be in Ghana, but there are a lot of big “what-ifs” out there about my health. I see my doctor again in the middle of October, after I get my blood tested again. That is two weeks from when I want to leave. What do I do? Do I book my tickets anyways? Do I wait and see? Do I go despite it all? Do I go without being able to get travel insurance? Give me the answers I need. Please. Going back to Ghana is all I have been thinking about for months. Feels pretty normal to me that it would be my body that makes this impossible for me. My body, which the random bleeding bothered me for 5 years. My body which the doctors tell me is normal when abnormal things are happening. My body: the cause of my demise.
Another issue that is plaguing me these days. Nathaniel. I know I adore the child, and I am pretty sure he adores me as well. Am I doing the right thing by keeping him in my life, or I am just going to hurt him in the long run? That is exactly the situation I am trying to avoid. I know the pain of abandonment, I know how much it hurts to love someone and have them disappear from your life. And I know it is even harder when you are little. When you are little, those questions of “what did I do wrong” become ingrained in your thinking, following throughout your entire adult life as well. Hurting him is the last thing I want to do to him. The thought of him believing in love the way that a lot of adults in his life belief, breaks my heart. He is such an amazing little boy. However, I do plan on leaving him. Not him in particular, but Canada and the life I live here. Of course, there are more issues that relate to Nathaniel that come entirely from me. When I start dating, is whoever I date going to be okay with the fact that I am still with my ex's family? Is he going to be okay with that I hang out with his son on a regular basis? Will it be okay that I call my ex's mom 'Mom'? I asked an old friend (who I might still have a crush on, ten years later) what he would think if it were him dating me. He said that he understands that past relationships remain a part of your life, because you were with them for so long. He said that especially in regards to my friendship with my ex's son that he understands that. He said that he hated people that 'abandon' children. I laughed with relief. But I think it might be a divorced kid mentality. He says that I just shouldn't date anyone that doesn't understand.
I am going out to Travis' grandparents next weekend. I am hoping to take Nathaniel with me. I see it as a “Goodbye” to his grandparents. I have somewhat decided that I am keeping Mom and Nathaniel in my life, and that's all there is to it. However, I think I am going to let go of the rest. I want to see Don and Betty again. I want them to know that I appreciate all they did for us. And I want Nathaniel to be able to see them too. On the phone they told me that they don't see him very often at all. That makes me so sad, but it is not really my problem. I can decide to be there for Nathaniel, but I cannot make others be. Everyone else is just as able to call Natasha and arrange visits as I am. So, hopefully Nate and I will go out there. Some of Trav's cousins will be out there too, which will be nice. If we develop friendships, it is totally because we have decided to. It is no longer a 'family' type connection. I know it is a healthy move I am making to say some goodbyes, but it still makes me so sad. Trav's family all accepted me and welcomed me into the family within minutes of meeting me. I have never felt that acceptance before. Don't get me wrong, as most of you that read this are my family, but that is different. We have known each other for ever. You were forced to love me as a child and now you love me because I am me, or something!
I applied for school yesterday, well I mailed the application. The application was really long, and hard. It told me to use any resources I needed to use, but it was hard. It hurt my head. It made me wonder if I am cut out for this program. It is a month and it is really intense. Yes, I am afraid. It's been three years since I was in school, and school came pretty easy to me. Writing essays was like writing my poetry. The BS just flowed out of me! This is real. This will challenge everything I am. This is 8 grueling hours a day, five days a week, for a month, plus homework! If I am as tired as I am right now, that will also mean frustrated tears as well! What if I cannot do it? What if I don't even get accepted? This course is my future. Oh God. What do I do?
As previously alluded to, I seem to have a crush. This is throwing me for loops as well. I have not seen him in years, but the minute we started chatting again, all those old feelings bubbled up from somewhere deep inside of me. I didn't know they still existed. I haven't thought about him in ages. We are supposed to hang out this weekend, but we haven't made any firm plans. What am I doing, thinking about a relationship when I just want to leave the country? Am I thinking about it because I am lonely? Am I thinking about it to prove a point? Do I merely want people to know that I have moved on? Have I? I don't have any of these answers. I had emailed Trav the other day, and he responded last night. Although the email had nothing to do with me per say, it made me sad, and I cannot explain why. Maybe I was just sad already. I seem to have a lot going on my mind right now, none of which is really good. I currently feel like all the dreams I have been working on this year are collapsing at my feet, when all I want is to live them! I don't know why I feel like this either. Everything is going well! Why am I falling apart? Maybe it is because I am pretty much unemployed – don't even get me started on Walmart who hired me almost a month ago! I have two 3 hour shifts and a full day scheduled at CNC between today and October 12th. Pretty lame hey?
Anyways, I have to go to counseling today, to see what I get for a new counselor for the fall. I am working on being active again, so I think I will walk down there, although I will probably have to take the bus to work to get there on time. I think the day I told you I swam 3 kms was a lie. I swam 2.5 kms on Tuesday and it took me an hour and a half. Not sure what happened to my math, but I know that Tuesday's was correct, as the lanes are only 25 metres long (painfully short!) and I did 100 lengths. I walked up the hill yesterday. So today, so that I do not get lazy, I am going to walk downtown to my meeting. Big Brothers says that hopefully we can start up again next week. I am going to make whatever day I see Nickolas the day I also probably do my counseling and swimming if I can swing it. That way, if I were to work at WalmartSchmalmart, I could have a day where I do everything. We will see how that works into my unemployed schedule though. I could actually get a Four Seasons pass and swim downtown and then go to counseling and then go home after! Wouldn't that work nicely? But, I do need to get going if I am going to walk there – I will need to bring lunch with me, to eat at about 4 when I am at work!
I had my blood work done. Apparently I have practically no iron stores in my body. I went from an iron count of 26 in March coming home from Ghana where we didn't eat meat or anything else that I know has iron in it, to a lousy 10 last week. 15 is the lowest a person's iron counts should be. I guess I wasn't really thinking, I didn't ask her why my iron counts could have plummeted, but I did tell her that I think it is odd when I eat a more balanced diet here than we ever did while I was in Ghana. I am now on Iron Pills to try to bring myself up to a better level. So far (after a whole 3 days), I feel no difference. I am still sleeping many hours a day. I still need a nap. It's pretty pathetic. And, it makes me know that I cannot really go traveling when my body is so unstable. That breaks my heart. All I want right now is to be in Ghana, but there are a lot of big “what-ifs” out there about my health. I see my doctor again in the middle of October, after I get my blood tested again. That is two weeks from when I want to leave. What do I do? Do I book my tickets anyways? Do I wait and see? Do I go despite it all? Do I go without being able to get travel insurance? Give me the answers I need. Please. Going back to Ghana is all I have been thinking about for months. Feels pretty normal to me that it would be my body that makes this impossible for me. My body, which the random bleeding bothered me for 5 years. My body which the doctors tell me is normal when abnormal things are happening. My body: the cause of my demise.
Another issue that is plaguing me these days. Nathaniel. I know I adore the child, and I am pretty sure he adores me as well. Am I doing the right thing by keeping him in my life, or I am just going to hurt him in the long run? That is exactly the situation I am trying to avoid. I know the pain of abandonment, I know how much it hurts to love someone and have them disappear from your life. And I know it is even harder when you are little. When you are little, those questions of “what did I do wrong” become ingrained in your thinking, following throughout your entire adult life as well. Hurting him is the last thing I want to do to him. The thought of him believing in love the way that a lot of adults in his life belief, breaks my heart. He is such an amazing little boy. However, I do plan on leaving him. Not him in particular, but Canada and the life I live here. Of course, there are more issues that relate to Nathaniel that come entirely from me. When I start dating, is whoever I date going to be okay with the fact that I am still with my ex's family? Is he going to be okay with that I hang out with his son on a regular basis? Will it be okay that I call my ex's mom 'Mom'? I asked an old friend (who I might still have a crush on, ten years later) what he would think if it were him dating me. He said that he understands that past relationships remain a part of your life, because you were with them for so long. He said that especially in regards to my friendship with my ex's son that he understands that. He said that he hated people that 'abandon' children. I laughed with relief. But I think it might be a divorced kid mentality. He says that I just shouldn't date anyone that doesn't understand.
I am going out to Travis' grandparents next weekend. I am hoping to take Nathaniel with me. I see it as a “Goodbye” to his grandparents. I have somewhat decided that I am keeping Mom and Nathaniel in my life, and that's all there is to it. However, I think I am going to let go of the rest. I want to see Don and Betty again. I want them to know that I appreciate all they did for us. And I want Nathaniel to be able to see them too. On the phone they told me that they don't see him very often at all. That makes me so sad, but it is not really my problem. I can decide to be there for Nathaniel, but I cannot make others be. Everyone else is just as able to call Natasha and arrange visits as I am. So, hopefully Nate and I will go out there. Some of Trav's cousins will be out there too, which will be nice. If we develop friendships, it is totally because we have decided to. It is no longer a 'family' type connection. I know it is a healthy move I am making to say some goodbyes, but it still makes me so sad. Trav's family all accepted me and welcomed me into the family within minutes of meeting me. I have never felt that acceptance before. Don't get me wrong, as most of you that read this are my family, but that is different. We have known each other for ever. You were forced to love me as a child and now you love me because I am me, or something!
I applied for school yesterday, well I mailed the application. The application was really long, and hard. It told me to use any resources I needed to use, but it was hard. It hurt my head. It made me wonder if I am cut out for this program. It is a month and it is really intense. Yes, I am afraid. It's been three years since I was in school, and school came pretty easy to me. Writing essays was like writing my poetry. The BS just flowed out of me! This is real. This will challenge everything I am. This is 8 grueling hours a day, five days a week, for a month, plus homework! If I am as tired as I am right now, that will also mean frustrated tears as well! What if I cannot do it? What if I don't even get accepted? This course is my future. Oh God. What do I do?
As previously alluded to, I seem to have a crush. This is throwing me for loops as well. I have not seen him in years, but the minute we started chatting again, all those old feelings bubbled up from somewhere deep inside of me. I didn't know they still existed. I haven't thought about him in ages. We are supposed to hang out this weekend, but we haven't made any firm plans. What am I doing, thinking about a relationship when I just want to leave the country? Am I thinking about it because I am lonely? Am I thinking about it to prove a point? Do I merely want people to know that I have moved on? Have I? I don't have any of these answers. I had emailed Trav the other day, and he responded last night. Although the email had nothing to do with me per say, it made me sad, and I cannot explain why. Maybe I was just sad already. I seem to have a lot going on my mind right now, none of which is really good. I currently feel like all the dreams I have been working on this year are collapsing at my feet, when all I want is to live them! I don't know why I feel like this either. Everything is going well! Why am I falling apart? Maybe it is because I am pretty much unemployed – don't even get me started on Walmart who hired me almost a month ago! I have two 3 hour shifts and a full day scheduled at CNC between today and October 12th. Pretty lame hey?
Anyways, I have to go to counseling today, to see what I get for a new counselor for the fall. I am working on being active again, so I think I will walk down there, although I will probably have to take the bus to work to get there on time. I think the day I told you I swam 3 kms was a lie. I swam 2.5 kms on Tuesday and it took me an hour and a half. Not sure what happened to my math, but I know that Tuesday's was correct, as the lanes are only 25 metres long (painfully short!) and I did 100 lengths. I walked up the hill yesterday. So today, so that I do not get lazy, I am going to walk downtown to my meeting. Big Brothers says that hopefully we can start up again next week. I am going to make whatever day I see Nickolas the day I also probably do my counseling and swimming if I can swing it. That way, if I were to work at WalmartSchmalmart, I could have a day where I do everything. We will see how that works into my unemployed schedule though. I could actually get a Four Seasons pass and swim downtown and then go to counseling and then go home after! Wouldn't that work nicely? But, I do need to get going if I am going to walk there – I will need to bring lunch with me, to eat at about 4 when I am at work!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Here's to a Good Day!
I had a fantastic day. And because it was so darn fantastic, I want to share it with you! Aren't you lucky!
Today I was presenting the orphanage at a booth at the College of New Caledonia Community Fair. I didn't have a huge turn out, a lot of people just walked by my table, but it was about what I expected. Those that did stop either stopped because they knew me and wanted to see my pictures, or because something caught their eye. I had one girl tell me she was very interested in doing something like this, as soon as she finished her nursing program. I told her that we could arrange a place for her in the clinic as well, and she looked excited. Some people looked at my pictures and announced that they could never do that, but certainly admired those that could. Some people talked about the lack of material things, and then felt a little bad themselves. Someone asked me if it was hard to look at their pictures from so far away. It was a little hard to answer – in some ways, it makes me miss them less – I cannot forget their faces when they are everywhere in picture – but in some ways, it makes me miss them more, knowing that they have grown so much in the last six months, and that I can no longer hear their voices. I probably gave away less than 10 fliers! I did however give a flyer to Volunteer PG – and the lady there asked me if I would be willing to do a small presentation for their members (of which, I think I am one – I get the emails for all the postings anyways!) about a volunteering abroad kind of thing. I told her that I was more than happy to talk about my experiences in Ghana, and how anyone can help. That will be good! On a side note, I still need to go back to the church as well, maybe that can help us via donations or volunteers as well! I told people that for about $3000 you could get to Ghana and back, and have between $500 and $1000 for spending money. This impressed people – it was like most still think that flying overseas is incredibly expensive, whereas, I can actually get to Ghana cheaper than I could fly across Canada sometimes! All in all, I would say that it was a good day, and I certainly enjoyed talking to people about the kids and all the fun I had in Ghana. The biggest question was “would you go back” and my answer, of course, is “absolutely - I am working on finding tickets for Christmas right now”. That's always a good selling point when the person is going back themselves! If I go back early, Katherine will be there, and I can see how amazing she has been (not that I don't know this already) with raising over $10 000 for the orphanage building! Of course, I will see this anyways, but I can see it with her!
After my lovely time with my orphans, I killed an hour with Sonya and then headed to work. Unfortunately, there was no work to be done, and three hours to be killed. Nearing the end of my shift, someone asked me if I wanted to be busy. I said I much preferred that to doing nothing – admitting that there is only so much I can rely on Facebook to keep me entertained for! She gave me a small project that she says I can work on for the next 2 nights I am in to work as well, since there was only half an hour tonight left for me to work on it. I got a pretty good start on it, and was more than happy to do it for them!
I rushed home from work, gobbled down dinner, and headed back out to a coffee date. Sadly, I called it a date to a friend of Mom's and got the lecture that it is not a date unless you are dating or planning on dating or whatever, and to never kiss on the first date! My friend, whom I was going out with, is engaged, and I have no plans of EVER messing around with someone engaged or married! I told him this story, and he laughed saying he would have thought when I said 'date' that it was just what we were on – a coffee date with an old friend. But, in the past, I have gotten myself in trouble using the word date when I say something simple like “it's a date” and the other party goes “uh, wait, what?”. Dave and I chatted for 2 hours before we headed on home. It was so nice to sit and talk with him. He was my best friend in grades 8 through 10, and continued to be my good friend beyond that. We have always been able to chat quickly on the street when we run into each other, but have never actually hung out since probably grade 10. We laughed a lot, which is always a good sign! We both promised that we should do it again soon, and that I should meet his fiancee. I hope it's true, because I do miss him! And he is someone worth missing – he is a genuinely good guy. He has always been there for me, he has always stood by my side when I needed someone. It appears that he would still do the same for me today.
I have a confession to make though. I only just realized this, or at least only just admitted it to myself. There is not a man in the world who has shown me attention (which I enjoyed, as opposed to those who creep me out), who I have not claimed love for. Dave was probably the first, but at least I always just called him my best friend. I am not sure what I would have said had he ever asked me out over the years. Daveypoo; oh, I would have done anything for that punk kid! <3>
Anyways, today was amazing, but I should have been in bed at least an hour ago, so now I am going to say goodnight and head off to dream, hopefully about my babies and of no horror! Wouldn't that be nice!
Hey, thanks for loving me. I really appreciate it. And I really love you too!
Today I was presenting the orphanage at a booth at the College of New Caledonia Community Fair. I didn't have a huge turn out, a lot of people just walked by my table, but it was about what I expected. Those that did stop either stopped because they knew me and wanted to see my pictures, or because something caught their eye. I had one girl tell me she was very interested in doing something like this, as soon as she finished her nursing program. I told her that we could arrange a place for her in the clinic as well, and she looked excited. Some people looked at my pictures and announced that they could never do that, but certainly admired those that could. Some people talked about the lack of material things, and then felt a little bad themselves. Someone asked me if it was hard to look at their pictures from so far away. It was a little hard to answer – in some ways, it makes me miss them less – I cannot forget their faces when they are everywhere in picture – but in some ways, it makes me miss them more, knowing that they have grown so much in the last six months, and that I can no longer hear their voices. I probably gave away less than 10 fliers! I did however give a flyer to Volunteer PG – and the lady there asked me if I would be willing to do a small presentation for their members (of which, I think I am one – I get the emails for all the postings anyways!) about a volunteering abroad kind of thing. I told her that I was more than happy to talk about my experiences in Ghana, and how anyone can help. That will be good! On a side note, I still need to go back to the church as well, maybe that can help us via donations or volunteers as well! I told people that for about $3000 you could get to Ghana and back, and have between $500 and $1000 for spending money. This impressed people – it was like most still think that flying overseas is incredibly expensive, whereas, I can actually get to Ghana cheaper than I could fly across Canada sometimes! All in all, I would say that it was a good day, and I certainly enjoyed talking to people about the kids and all the fun I had in Ghana. The biggest question was “would you go back” and my answer, of course, is “absolutely - I am working on finding tickets for Christmas right now”. That's always a good selling point when the person is going back themselves! If I go back early, Katherine will be there, and I can see how amazing she has been (not that I don't know this already) with raising over $10 000 for the orphanage building! Of course, I will see this anyways, but I can see it with her!
After my lovely time with my orphans, I killed an hour with Sonya and then headed to work. Unfortunately, there was no work to be done, and three hours to be killed. Nearing the end of my shift, someone asked me if I wanted to be busy. I said I much preferred that to doing nothing – admitting that there is only so much I can rely on Facebook to keep me entertained for! She gave me a small project that she says I can work on for the next 2 nights I am in to work as well, since there was only half an hour tonight left for me to work on it. I got a pretty good start on it, and was more than happy to do it for them!
I rushed home from work, gobbled down dinner, and headed back out to a coffee date. Sadly, I called it a date to a friend of Mom's and got the lecture that it is not a date unless you are dating or planning on dating or whatever, and to never kiss on the first date! My friend, whom I was going out with, is engaged, and I have no plans of EVER messing around with someone engaged or married! I told him this story, and he laughed saying he would have thought when I said 'date' that it was just what we were on – a coffee date with an old friend. But, in the past, I have gotten myself in trouble using the word date when I say something simple like “it's a date” and the other party goes “uh, wait, what?”. Dave and I chatted for 2 hours before we headed on home. It was so nice to sit and talk with him. He was my best friend in grades 8 through 10, and continued to be my good friend beyond that. We have always been able to chat quickly on the street when we run into each other, but have never actually hung out since probably grade 10. We laughed a lot, which is always a good sign! We both promised that we should do it again soon, and that I should meet his fiancee. I hope it's true, because I do miss him! And he is someone worth missing – he is a genuinely good guy. He has always been there for me, he has always stood by my side when I needed someone. It appears that he would still do the same for me today.
I have a confession to make though. I only just realized this, or at least only just admitted it to myself. There is not a man in the world who has shown me attention (which I enjoyed, as opposed to those who creep me out), who I have not claimed love for. Dave was probably the first, but at least I always just called him my best friend. I am not sure what I would have said had he ever asked me out over the years. Daveypoo; oh, I would have done anything for that punk kid! <3>
Anyways, today was amazing, but I should have been in bed at least an hour ago, so now I am going to say goodnight and head off to dream, hopefully about my babies and of no horror! Wouldn't that be nice!
Hey, thanks for loving me. I really appreciate it. And I really love you too!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Blogging at Work!
I am at work (shhhh, don’t tell the boss!) and I am bored out of my ever living mind. I did the pile of work that was left for me within the first hour and a half of my 3 hour shift. I got sidetracked on my way in, so I didn’t stop and pick up any more work from other offices, but they didn’t look happy to see me yesterday anyways…. Can you imagine that? Here I am, working for the other offices for free (obviously this office is paying me), and they are not thrilled to see me? But I did get to talk to a couple of friends on my way in, which is better than work anyways! I have 3 more shifts in this office, and then, nothing planned until Thanksgiving. God I wish I didn’t miss the Walmart orientation last week! If only they had called me, I would have been there despite that I had work scheduled for one more day! At any rate, here I am. I turned down an interview today. It was for Coles Bookstore (our Chapters), and I actually felt bad that I would screw them over for Christmas, so I told her straight out that I was planning to be in Ghana for Christmas. She told me to please re-apply when I return, so that’s good at least! Maybe I should just go to Ghana for longer! Screw this working for a living shit! Let’s go! At this rate, that is looking like the best idea. Can I really start a job only to leave 2 months in? I don’t want to screw over my employers, I want to work! I like to work! It keeps me busy and out of trouble! Why doesn’t anyone want to let me work! Now that this idea has crossed my mind, it is what I want to do. I was looking at flights today, and I can do a round trip from Vancouver for $1500 right now when I want to go (those flights were November 24th to December 28th or something. Maybe I will look into sooner, and go for longer. It’s the flight that is my biggest expense after all! May as well make it worth it! Then I can find a job to get me through when I get home. I would even be happy with Walmart! Sadly my school hasn’t posted the 2011 dates yet, and I am anxious to get that going. I have printed the forms, but I haven’t dealt with them yet. Ideally, my tickets can be booked around that! But, I am somewhat making friends again, so maybe New Year’s Eve here would be fun – it wasn’t amazing in Ghana! Although I love BC, this is just not working for me right now!
I ran into one of my best friends from high school today. I had texted him a month or so ago (I bet longer), and hadn’t heard back from him, but then, I am sure I was at least a year late in texting him. We haven’t hung out since high school – and more in junior high than senior high – but we have always managed to stay at least in contact. I normally know where is his at, and what he is doing. We are Facebook friends so we can follow each other from a distance. Anyways, I was walking by his work today, and saw him out front, so I popped in to say hi. He said that his life has become a gong show, but he was just thinking about how he never texted me back, and that he should. We have tentative plans to hang out tomorrow after I get off work, as he, of course, has a day-time job. As I walked away, on the rest of my journey, it made me smile. It’s been probably seven years since we last hung out, and we have never really talked since. But, we are still friends, and we still hang out. I am glad he still cares about me enough to want to go for coffee. And, I am happy with myself. I am finally in a place where I don’t mind having coffee with people, because I am not just another sob-story. My life is on track too! I love it when I can tell only good things, as opposed to my depressed monologue that has been so common!
I went out with the girls last night. They are a new group, who I actually met through Trav’s roommate – but I think I would have met most of them through my Student Union contact anyways. We watched a movie at the theatre – Going The Distance is hilarious, by the way. They are going to try to do it weekly. It’s nice to have something like that to start to make friends with - there is the basic chit-chat before and after the show, but less full-out conversation which tends to make me nervous sometimes. I am going to try really hard to go to Nina’s birthday party – at least until they hit the bars – so that I can make even more friends! Of course, these are the people that I am thinking I might spend New Years with already! It has been a long time since I have had a group of friends!
I am show casing the Orphanage tomorrow at CNC’s Community Fair. I am pretty excited for it. I have my brochures all packed and ready, the computer, the scrapbooks, and the extension cord. I hope people stop and talk to me about it. But no matter what, I know that people will be excited by the pictures and things as well.
I don’t think the picture book I sent to Ghana with a professor from CNC made it to them. I will have to contact Jacob and see what is going on. I will just bring it with me! For Pete’s Sake! It is so difficult to deal with people sometimes! I was afraid that Eddie would be difficult – I am not sure if he was or what happened, but I am annoyed that it didn’t make it there as I had planned! I was especially worried when we pulled out of IVHQ :(
I still have half an hour left to kill, but sadly, I think I am out of words!
I ran into one of my best friends from high school today. I had texted him a month or so ago (I bet longer), and hadn’t heard back from him, but then, I am sure I was at least a year late in texting him. We haven’t hung out since high school – and more in junior high than senior high – but we have always managed to stay at least in contact. I normally know where is his at, and what he is doing. We are Facebook friends so we can follow each other from a distance. Anyways, I was walking by his work today, and saw him out front, so I popped in to say hi. He said that his life has become a gong show, but he was just thinking about how he never texted me back, and that he should. We have tentative plans to hang out tomorrow after I get off work, as he, of course, has a day-time job. As I walked away, on the rest of my journey, it made me smile. It’s been probably seven years since we last hung out, and we have never really talked since. But, we are still friends, and we still hang out. I am glad he still cares about me enough to want to go for coffee. And, I am happy with myself. I am finally in a place where I don’t mind having coffee with people, because I am not just another sob-story. My life is on track too! I love it when I can tell only good things, as opposed to my depressed monologue that has been so common!
I went out with the girls last night. They are a new group, who I actually met through Trav’s roommate – but I think I would have met most of them through my Student Union contact anyways. We watched a movie at the theatre – Going The Distance is hilarious, by the way. They are going to try to do it weekly. It’s nice to have something like that to start to make friends with - there is the basic chit-chat before and after the show, but less full-out conversation which tends to make me nervous sometimes. I am going to try really hard to go to Nina’s birthday party – at least until they hit the bars – so that I can make even more friends! Of course, these are the people that I am thinking I might spend New Years with already! It has been a long time since I have had a group of friends!
I am show casing the Orphanage tomorrow at CNC’s Community Fair. I am pretty excited for it. I have my brochures all packed and ready, the computer, the scrapbooks, and the extension cord. I hope people stop and talk to me about it. But no matter what, I know that people will be excited by the pictures and things as well.
I don’t think the picture book I sent to Ghana with a professor from CNC made it to them. I will have to contact Jacob and see what is going on. I will just bring it with me! For Pete’s Sake! It is so difficult to deal with people sometimes! I was afraid that Eddie would be difficult – I am not sure if he was or what happened, but I am annoyed that it didn’t make it there as I had planned! I was especially worried when we pulled out of IVHQ :(
I still have half an hour left to kill, but sadly, I think I am out of words!
Monday, September 6, 2010
Ancient Forest
Mom and I went to the Ancient Forest today. I have never been before – I didn't even know it was there until maybe two years ago. But there it is. Just an hour and a half from Prince George, is an ancient Rain Forest – trees 2000 plus years old! Cedar tress in Prince George! And it was incredible! It was just a two hour walk through the forest, and you see so much! Cedar tress, devil's club, waterfalls. It was incredible! And the colours were devine! They even showed up on my camera perfectly! It was really muddy, but I think that just added to the adventure of today! The sun came out for us, it was decently warm even. 
We tramped through the mud, tried not to slip on wet roots and rocks, used Grandad's walking poles, and just had a lovely time! I was really glad we went and I think mom is too! I thought I had lots of words for this, but apparently I have none! It made me want to do more of the hikes around Prince George area. Maybe mom and I can throw one or two more in before the snow falls. We really do have so much beauty in our own backyard! A man we met on the trail said that he went to Cheslatta falls the other day and was stunned by the beauty of it. He said that although the forest was neat, the falls were incredible. 
Oh so much I want to see! I have a lot I want to do these days. I want to go to Cinema and see the Reynolds Grandparents. I want to see Nathaniel again, and I want him to see them. I miss the kid! Mom and I are going somewhere fun next weekend, so that should be fun! I want to see so much of our own backyard that somehow I have missed my entire life! le sigh I mowed the lawn today. When I washed the lawn mower out at the end of the day, it looked like it could have been an elephant poop stuck in the bottom of it! Mom took 3 shovels to clear it off the sidewalk! That was fun.... I don't have much to say.
I just wanted to tell you what a great day I had at the ancient forest today!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Doctors, Careers and Things!
Ah. Life.
I was congratulated on being full of life today, and of living life to the fullest. I wanted to laugh at the man who said it. I knew he was being sincere as well (which also catches me off guard sometimes!). Most of it is because of my African adventures, which are obviously not stopping anytime soon. He told me how wise I was to not be settling down at my age. I laughed and told him a year ago, I was. A year ago, had I got the job I thought I wanted, I would have settled down. I had that ring I wanted on my finger, a job I wanted, and the life I wanted stretching out before me. However, a year ago, I was also without dreams or destination. A year ago, I thought that going to Africa might give me direction, but I also naively assumed I would be able to do it from home. Now I realize that the breakup was a blessing in disguise. The breakup has allowed the dreams that blossomed in Ghana to come alive. Today, I can’t wait to get out of dodge. It is not so much that I don’t like it here (because, ultimately, I do. I grew up here. Here is all I know), as a desire to see what else the world offers. I found that I loved living in Africa. I loved that for once, the society was not materialistic. I felt like I fit in. I have never really felt like I fit in here. The man I was talking to today (a co-worker) asked how I was viewed by my cohorts. I told him that I had never fit in, had always been thought of as different, and that they all thought I was nuts for doing what I am doing. I don’t feel this so much now that I talk about teaching English overseas, but I when I mention that Africa or South America is my current goal, that look reappears again. Teaching English is, I suppose, respectable; living in poverty, by choice, is crazy. However, the choice is mine, especially since I am no longer tied to Prince George as I once was. For the next year or so, my travels will bring me home regularly. After this year, I cannot say what is in store (really, if I am honest, I cannot say what the next hour has in store, but I can think I know…)
I have decided that no job will hold me back from my dreams either. If Walmart (ha, Walmart) doesn’t let me take my two months off, then I will quit. *shrugs* Not a big load off my shoulders. CNC is normally pretty quiet in December anyways. And I am going to school in January. There shouldn’t be anyone who holds that against me! No, I have not yet got into school – Global Village has not yet posted the dates for 2011, but assured me they would soon. But, I am confident I will be going to school. If not… Walmart! Speaking of Walmart… I was wondering today about Orientation (which would then allow me to start working there…) I got home and there was a phone message left at 1030 this morning. They never tried my cell. It tells me that orientation is tomorrow. Again, I cannot go. Since I got home just about 6, I called them back and left a message saying this. I guess that means I wait ANOTHER couple of weeks. If orientation could have only been on Saturday, I would have been golden, but no. Friday. I find this extra lame, seeing as tomorrow is my last full day of scheduled work. Extra, extra lame because the College Store decided I was no good to them because I needed 3 hours off one day for a previous commitment. I have five, three hour shifts in the next 2 weeks. Back to being a bum I guess. And worse, Nathaniel starts school on Wednesday, so I cannot even steal him for the day and head to Cinema to see the Grandparents! Dumb school, now I have to plan for weekends!
I went to the doctor today. She agreed to take my blood again, hoping that something would come up that explains why I am sleeping 10 hours a night and still struggling through the day. I am also so tired that one harsh word almost puts me into tears! She asked if I had been in contact with someone with Mono. I said not to my knowledge. Mono. What a scary word to throw out there! But, not as scary as other words I have heard. Mono is treatable if I have picked it up somewhere. Of course, after she says Mono, I go… maybe it’s Malaria… about the same likelihood I think! Okay okay, maybe not, but Malaria could technically be a problem, although I am sure I would be sick, as opposed to just tired. Maybe I had a slow acting testi fly! Maybe it is slowly killing me. Yes, I am aware I have an over active imagination – just look at the dreams I have every night! Anyways, my doctor also told me that I have low blood pressure, and therefore need to eat more salt. Salt? Really? She asked if I eat meat, red meat in particular. I said I do. Just to be on the safe side, I am currently cooking a hamburger helper – it has red meat and probably loads of salt! She is sending me to the lab to get my blood taken. I am going to fast as well. We did this when I came home from Ghana and everything was normal, but it’s been months and I have the same things going on. Maybe she will see something fun when she compares samples! We didn’t discuss my anti-depressants, which I thought we might. There was talk long ago about changing them once I was stable to see if that helps. I guess it’s more logical to check my blood first though! I have about a month left in my anti-depressants before I need a new prescription anyways. So, if nothing stops me, I will go to the lab on Saturday morning. If something does stop me – well, I am hardly working from now on!
I am doing a presentation on Thursday – well a booth I guess – on the orphanage. I am really excited about it. I have put together a slide show which outlines a typical day, and shows each of our children individually. The children are the children I knew, and I know that they have changed in faces and numbers since then. Last night I put together a brochure, which I had printed today at the College. Rusty did a pretty good job – they even came folded! In some ways I wish I could have folded them – the pages don’t quite line up properly, but if they were folded just right they do… but I am thankful that they came back to me folded, as it is so much less work for me! I am really happy with the way my projects are turning out. It is the first time I have made a movie on the computer. They are my first brochures. They are not amazing, but I am proud of them nonetheless. They are my creations, and if I may, I did a damn good job on them! Hopefully I can raise at least a little awareness about the orphanage, and maybe get some donations or people interested!
My dinner is ready, and I am conveniently out of words! I love you!
I was congratulated on being full of life today, and of living life to the fullest. I wanted to laugh at the man who said it. I knew he was being sincere as well (which also catches me off guard sometimes!). Most of it is because of my African adventures, which are obviously not stopping anytime soon. He told me how wise I was to not be settling down at my age. I laughed and told him a year ago, I was. A year ago, had I got the job I thought I wanted, I would have settled down. I had that ring I wanted on my finger, a job I wanted, and the life I wanted stretching out before me. However, a year ago, I was also without dreams or destination. A year ago, I thought that going to Africa might give me direction, but I also naively assumed I would be able to do it from home. Now I realize that the breakup was a blessing in disguise. The breakup has allowed the dreams that blossomed in Ghana to come alive. Today, I can’t wait to get out of dodge. It is not so much that I don’t like it here (because, ultimately, I do. I grew up here. Here is all I know), as a desire to see what else the world offers. I found that I loved living in Africa. I loved that for once, the society was not materialistic. I felt like I fit in. I have never really felt like I fit in here. The man I was talking to today (a co-worker) asked how I was viewed by my cohorts. I told him that I had never fit in, had always been thought of as different, and that they all thought I was nuts for doing what I am doing. I don’t feel this so much now that I talk about teaching English overseas, but I when I mention that Africa or South America is my current goal, that look reappears again. Teaching English is, I suppose, respectable; living in poverty, by choice, is crazy. However, the choice is mine, especially since I am no longer tied to Prince George as I once was. For the next year or so, my travels will bring me home regularly. After this year, I cannot say what is in store (really, if I am honest, I cannot say what the next hour has in store, but I can think I know…)
I have decided that no job will hold me back from my dreams either. If Walmart (ha, Walmart) doesn’t let me take my two months off, then I will quit. *shrugs* Not a big load off my shoulders. CNC is normally pretty quiet in December anyways. And I am going to school in January. There shouldn’t be anyone who holds that against me! No, I have not yet got into school – Global Village has not yet posted the dates for 2011, but assured me they would soon. But, I am confident I will be going to school. If not… Walmart! Speaking of Walmart… I was wondering today about Orientation (which would then allow me to start working there…) I got home and there was a phone message left at 1030 this morning. They never tried my cell. It tells me that orientation is tomorrow. Again, I cannot go. Since I got home just about 6, I called them back and left a message saying this. I guess that means I wait ANOTHER couple of weeks. If orientation could have only been on Saturday, I would have been golden, but no. Friday. I find this extra lame, seeing as tomorrow is my last full day of scheduled work. Extra, extra lame because the College Store decided I was no good to them because I needed 3 hours off one day for a previous commitment. I have five, three hour shifts in the next 2 weeks. Back to being a bum I guess. And worse, Nathaniel starts school on Wednesday, so I cannot even steal him for the day and head to Cinema to see the Grandparents! Dumb school, now I have to plan for weekends!
I went to the doctor today. She agreed to take my blood again, hoping that something would come up that explains why I am sleeping 10 hours a night and still struggling through the day. I am also so tired that one harsh word almost puts me into tears! She asked if I had been in contact with someone with Mono. I said not to my knowledge. Mono. What a scary word to throw out there! But, not as scary as other words I have heard. Mono is treatable if I have picked it up somewhere. Of course, after she says Mono, I go… maybe it’s Malaria… about the same likelihood I think! Okay okay, maybe not, but Malaria could technically be a problem, although I am sure I would be sick, as opposed to just tired. Maybe I had a slow acting testi fly! Maybe it is slowly killing me. Yes, I am aware I have an over active imagination – just look at the dreams I have every night! Anyways, my doctor also told me that I have low blood pressure, and therefore need to eat more salt. Salt? Really? She asked if I eat meat, red meat in particular. I said I do. Just to be on the safe side, I am currently cooking a hamburger helper – it has red meat and probably loads of salt! She is sending me to the lab to get my blood taken. I am going to fast as well. We did this when I came home from Ghana and everything was normal, but it’s been months and I have the same things going on. Maybe she will see something fun when she compares samples! We didn’t discuss my anti-depressants, which I thought we might. There was talk long ago about changing them once I was stable to see if that helps. I guess it’s more logical to check my blood first though! I have about a month left in my anti-depressants before I need a new prescription anyways. So, if nothing stops me, I will go to the lab on Saturday morning. If something does stop me – well, I am hardly working from now on!
I am doing a presentation on Thursday – well a booth I guess – on the orphanage. I am really excited about it. I have put together a slide show which outlines a typical day, and shows each of our children individually. The children are the children I knew, and I know that they have changed in faces and numbers since then. Last night I put together a brochure, which I had printed today at the College. Rusty did a pretty good job – they even came folded! In some ways I wish I could have folded them – the pages don’t quite line up properly, but if they were folded just right they do… but I am thankful that they came back to me folded, as it is so much less work for me! I am really happy with the way my projects are turning out. It is the first time I have made a movie on the computer. They are my first brochures. They are not amazing, but I am proud of them nonetheless. They are my creations, and if I may, I did a damn good job on them! Hopefully I can raise at least a little awareness about the orphanage, and maybe get some donations or people interested!
My dinner is ready, and I am conveniently out of words! I love you!
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