More Walmart....

In having nothing to do this afternoon at the college, I called Walmart to see why I haven't heard back from them in 1.5 weeks. Of course, while I am on hold with Walmart, the switchboard line rings... I put Walmart on hold, and answer the call, only to have Walmart hang up on me, because I was not there. I call Walmart again, this time I get the lady I am looking for, and she puts me on hold again. This time when my phone rings, I forget to put her on hold when I answer the other line. So I call back again, but this time, the girl at the front has a message for me when I admit that I was disconnected (I don't tell her why). She tells me that I have not been called back because of my availability (and I say to myself, what the hell is wrong with 7:30 am until 10 pm! What, am I available too much now!?), and she will transfer me through to Personnel to talk to them. I wait, and my call comes back to the girl. She now passes me through to the Manager I was originally talking with, who passes me back to Personnel, who actually answer this time. The girl there tells me that because of my other work schedule, I will need to talk to the manager to try to juggle schedules. I tell her that I do not have another job, I have some time in August where I am busy, but I do not have another job, and I didn't submit a work schedule. She tells me she will call me back, because my folder was definitely set aside with the people who are not fully available. She also tells me that they had almost 40 interviews last week. So, she calls me back before I get home, and tries my cell before I can answer it – I was driving home, and it was at the bottom of my bag. Now she tells me that she has no idea who's schedule is in my folder, but if it is not mine, there has obviously been a mistake. The newest word on the answering machine is that they will call me back by Wednesday with further information on my getting into Walmart adventure. Of course, my 2 weeks where I can only work evenings will bother them, but I did admit that I had some other things going on in August. Hopefully this works out! Working at the College just doesn't have much appeal to me when I sit and do nothing. I don't care how much they pay me when I am bored, I cannot like my job. At least at Walmart I should be busy!

Today, I got to be the person at work that no one else wants to be. I get to enforce rules which although have always been there, are now coming into effect. I get to tell students that have paid their fees and everything, that they are not qualified for the course. Of course, someone else (probably the person who marked their tests) said that they were qualified for it, and we take the notes from the markers as final word. No one else wants anything to do with this this year. And I agree. This should come into effect next year, before anyone registers. Notices should go out to all students currently in the program that says that as of April 2011, this will be the policy, and if that means you are not qualified, you will have to do the upgrades before you can continue. It should not be happening a month before classes start. It will be the staff meeting tomorrow. I know it already. It is all we will accomplish in the hour – if we get anywhere. It will be a “we will come back to this” but Jenna will have already done the damage to students. I love it when we piss the students off! It's not like our jobs depend on Students or anything!

We have two people (one is me) in the office right now, fighting over random jobs that anyone can give us to help. I would rather not be there, and I know the other lady feels the same. She is covering 2 desks and still doesn't have enough. She could easily have covered the desk I have been at this week as well. Next week one of her desks has a lot going on, so next week might be a different story, but for now, we figure that tomorrow we should play crib all day!

I went to the lake last night with some old friends from my Chevron days. It was really fun. I haven't hung out with them practically since I quit, so it was nice to catch up. The rain clouds parted for us, and the sun came back out, so we headed into the lake – waist deep, and chatted there until we were cold. By then it was 9 pm, so we headed back home. I have been up late too many nights! I am so tired! By coffee today, with a mix of tiredness and program BS, I was ready to call it a day. I had a chocolate covered granola bar at coffee break to try to make me feel better. It didn't really work but it was worth a shot.

That's about all that is going on. I start house sitting tomorrow, so I have a car for a while. Planning to take Nate to the Lake on afternoon this weekend. Life is good in the hood I guess.

Thanks for everything! I still love you bunches!

Ummm... Stuff

I want to thank you:
-Thank you for showing me love when I needed to feel it
-Thank you for standing by my side when I wanted to fall
-thank you for giving me the courage to do what I needed to do
-Thank you for helping me become me.
-Thank you for the smiles
-thank you for the laughs
-thank you for the memories – they remain sweet even now
-thank you for the people who are part of my life because of you
-and thank you, for having the courage to leave before it was too late!

You will never know how much I appreciate you, and all you did for me. I will never tell you. You think I am bitter at you. You think I am mad. I am mostly sad. Sad that you were not who I thought you were. Sad that you let yourself go like you did. Sad that our friendship is over, sadder that it never truly existed.




Okay. On a real note.

I have not heard from Walmart. I guess I will try to call them tomorrow and see what is going on. I figured that because it was a tight schedule to get in for Sunday that things just got delayed. But it has now been over a week since my interview, and I have not heard a word. I don't know what I will do if there is no job at Walmart for me – no one else I have applied to have even given me a call back. I am actually really hoping for the job. CNC is really annoying me right now. I know I need work, but dammit, if there is no work to do, please do not hire me! I do not need a job enough to sit there and look pretty for 7 hours! Yesterday I accomplished the entire list that was left for me. I still had 9 days to go! Today I worked on a little project with someone else and we somehow filled most of the whole day. However, neither of us even has filing left for us to look at! The other person I am working with is the person who got the term position, and she doesn't even have work to do? Fricking ridiculous! However, I am grateful for the work. I just wish I was needed and busy! I don't remember last July being this slow!

I am going to the lake tomorrow after work. It's a bit of a Chevron reunion but that's okay. I haven't really seen them in ages. I know, I know. I lived with Jordan, but I haven't seen too much of him since I got home, and I haven't seen Sam since I quit! She was a really good friend back then! We are going the easy route – bringing pizza out with us. I am taking my Africa pictures in case they want to see them. We will swim and eat and have a good time! I am really excited for it. I wanted to make it a big thing, but apparently 3 days notice doesn't give me many friends! At least I know that they are friends too!

I have talked to Natasha, I am going to take Nathaniel to West Lake one day on the weekend. I just need to pick a day I guess. I am going to stop at the dollar store and get us some toys which I will keep so that we can play. Sand castles and ball I think.

I start house sitting on Friday. They have promised I will have internet, and it looks like I have service out there for my phone too! This is all good things! I hope my cat allergies don't act up! I don't think they have a TV out there – it might be a problem for me, as it is a good entertain yourself thing. I am hoping to borrow a lap top for the month so I can at least rent movies!

I went swimming today. I didn't make it as long as I planned. I was going to push myself to swim for an hour, but all my joints started clicking and hurting, so I called it a day. I probably did 20 laps – and I think they are full laps now that part of our pool collapsed in the winter (we had walkways above the water for instruction or something). I also tread water for about 10 minutes. My arms started first, then my hips and my knees. However, I feel that exhausted feeling of doing exercise. So that is a good start! I plan (again) to start going every week. I think now that I don't have counseling on Tuesday, I will go on Tuesdays. I bought a punch card before I went to Ghana, and this was only the second punch on it! Eventually I will be able to swim the hour I want to swim. Maybe then I won't feel fat anymore! It seems to me that when I left for Ghana, all my clothes were lose, now they hurt after a day of being in them. My tummy is hard, and I really don't understand how it can be fat and hard all at the same time, but I know it is. My counselor, after looking at pictures of me in Ghana told me that she was sure I had lost weight, but I don't feel like I have. Yesterday I stood on the scale and was five pounds more than where I thought I was sitting. It's a little disappointing, but I know I haven't been doing anything about it, so I think it is time to start. Today was the start. Hopefully I can keep motivated with it. Next week: 45 minutes in the pool before I head to the hot tub. We will see if my very old body agrees with me.

Oh, I know all those thank yous were to Trav, and I know you know that too. But they also apply to you. Each one of you have stood by me when I needed a friend, gave me the encouragement I needed to succeed, you have been there when I cried, been there when I laughed (made me laugh, and made me cry), and been truly amazing to me. For that, I am forever grateful to you, and proud to call you my friend. Thank you. For everything. Thank you for my life.

Now I am off to bed, because I am exhausted, but in a good way! I am smiling in my exhaustion too!

I love you. I truly do.

Twilight Drama

I went to Twilight tonight. I came home trying to control the sobs that are racking my body right now. Twilight is a teen movie, the “romance” of it is not my problem. I will not deny that the fact that Bella has two men madly in love with her, willing to die for her, is a little bit shitty when you are alone, but whatever!

It was one line. Before I even realized what was said, I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I quickly brushed it away, but the thought process that made it appear is harder to get rid of, and tears are still falling from my eyes.

Edward “The best night of my life was the night you agreed to marry me, Mrs. Cullins”

Instantly, I was back in Trav's bedroom, October 16, 2009. We had gone for cheesecake, but he had left my “surprise” at home. We are back in his room. He hands me a gift bag and sits a little ways away fro m me on the bed. I hesitantly open it, and pull out the pink diary from inside. The book flips open to a page. The page professes undying love for me. It tells me to flip to the next page. The book does it on it's own. There is a ring, tied with a white ribbon, and the words I longed to hear. Tears filled my eyes. Travis's arms wrapped around me. I kissed his lips. Just a soft kiss. I let him hold me while I cried. Somewhere along the way, I said yes. The ring found it's way onto my left hand. I smiled. I laughed. I cried.

I thought my dreams had come true. I remember the passionate look in his eyes. I remember seeing a family flash before my eyes. I remember how I told Nathaniel, and how he said that was just fine with him. I remember telling every body, and the words they said. I remember the way the ring shone in the light. I remember the look in Travis's eyes. He called me Mrs Reynolds.

And here I am, not even a year later, crying because someone said the words I once heard. Crying because an actor's line in a film cut straight to my heart.

The worst part is, I don't even think about Trav anymore. Someone asked me today how things were going with him, and I felt myself think “God, are we still on that?” I can normally talk about him without tears, without bitterness. But tonight, I cry for all he once was to me. Because some stupid words hit me where I thought I had forgotten.

Now I get to convince myself to sleep, and hope that he does not come to me in dream tonight, as he often still does. Marc comes sometimes too. Last week they both haunted me most of the nights. Tonight, will be the first night that I actually go to bed remembering what I once thought was mine though. I think it was how unexpected the words were that made me cry. I don't think my friend noticed, but I was still embarrassed to be crying during Twilight. It was not Twilight that made me cry, but my own past.

If only it was the best part of his life, the night I agreed to marry him. Because, it was the best night of mine. I still want someone to say that to me, and to mean it. But for now, I wait.

Walmart!

I headed back to work at the college today. It's funny how life works sometimes. I am almost hired at Walmart – I guess I cannot say that yet – I had an interview, it went well, the girl said I should probably hear back from they either Friday or Saturday for another interview (this time with the store manager where you discuss wage and position) ideally by then as well, as there is a orientation this Sunday. However, I have yet to hear, but I was trying to keep my life open. Yesterday I get a phone call from CNC. Can you work two days around the weekend? Sure, I will do Thursday Friday, to that technically, I can start at Walmart Monday. A couple hours later, my phone rings again. Can you do two weeks starting Monday? Sure. I work on a first come first serve basis. So, I go to work today. Within half an hour it has come out that I am desperate for work, and am willing to do just about anything. The manager of the area I am in today says “Oh, I am glad I know that... I have lots of things I would like to get you to do” and starts talking about training for another section, and hands me a list of other dates she would like me to work that she already knows about. I promptly agree. There is still that $25/hour or full time debate going on in my head. So, right now, I have 2 weeks at CNC, two weeks off, 1 week part time at CNC followed by 1 week full time at CNC, and then some random evenings the following week. In an ideal world, Walmart will work around this. In an ideal world, I just work 2 jobs when I am at CNC as well. I figure the days that are already booked are good to go, but future dates might be a problem.

As I mentioned, I am having debates with myself: to work full time, or to make more money. Money isn't really an issue for me, but it is obviously nicer! The bank account grows when I make more money, but it doesn't if I only work one week a month. Full time work would probably be preferred by me, as I prefer to keep busy. I almost hate to say it, but I think Walmart would win out on this one. Then there is the fact that I THINK that Walmart has benefits. Those would sure be nice too! As a Casual, I do not get some luxuries. The next debate is which would I be happier at, Walmart or CNC? Walmart I still feel to be “beneath” me, but these days life at CNC is not really doing it for me. I would be busier at Walmart (I would hope) than I seem to be this year so far at CNC. I hate sitting idyl at work – especially when there is absolutely nothing to do! Of course, I also have a mentality within me that if you are paying me decent wages, I am willing to do more than if you pay me crap wages. Walmart promises not to pay minimum wage (but I will not know that until I (if I) get another interview. The girl that interviewed me did say that wage is based on experience, and I have at least 3 years of cash experience, so I can hope that pushes me up a little further! Of course, right now, all of these debates are “what if” scenarios, as I have not heard back from Walmart yet. However, I think that Walmart is winning out over casual work! However, if the college can book things in advance like this department has been doing, then I can work around that. Unfortunately, CNC is notorious for last minute planning.

On a totally different note, I am finding truth in my self help Bible again this summer. It suggests that if you are happy, you will find happy people and other things such as whatever you feel is what comes back to you. I feel like I have found more good friends in the last couple of months: friends that might even be real friends! I feel like there are more people willing to listen to me, as long as I can accept short amounts of time with them. And those that do listen feel closer than I am used to people feeling. I really super duper miss Justin, but we will find a way to have a long distance friendship as the distance barrier settles a little. Justin and I just talked so often that I am not even sure I realized how much he was in my life until he left it. I knew I was going to miss him, but I talk about him all the time now. Anyways, I can see the value of friendships in my life right now, and I really appreciate everyone who is a part of it. So, thanks for taking the time to care about me! And, I have a more positive attitude about life right now – you did just watch me choose Walmart over CNC didn't you? And my life finally seems to be falling into place. I am going to talk to someone at CNC who knows all about ESL programs, and she is going to help me choose the one best for me (no, I didn't set up the appointment today). I am anxiously awaiting Andrea's return to the Internet so that we can maybe discuss Europe a bit. Yes, Life is going alright!

That's about all I gots today. Jobs, Friends, Life. I am so tired after working today – I didn't sleep well, both Travis and Marc visited my dreams last night, and 6 am is early after a month off! I worked for one department and got paid by another – I was so thankful for something to do!

Have I told you lately that I love you? Well, I do.

The News.

“Is off to see the gyno, the wonderful gyno of Jenna....” HAHAHHA, that was my Facebook status before I went to the doctor today, apparently people are less amused than I am! I love it! I think I am hilarious sometimes! So, Doctor G. didn't have much more to say than his nurse did 6 weeks ago. I have minor endometreitis (however that is spelled) which is minor growth on my pelvis from a leaking womb. He says I had 2 flecks of it. Because I must have looked pathetic, he told me that often the young women with flecks find it more painful than people who are practically taken over by it. Supposedly, this explains the pain I feel for tampons and sex, but I am not sure I understand the logic. What can I do Doc? Pretty much nothing. Keep taking your birth control and it should help them from developing in the future. I have been on birth control for 8 years Doc, and this kind for 4 of them. Why did the problem show up then? Because, it actually starts growing when you start menstruating (you know, way back when I was like 12) Supposedly, I am keeping these growths under control. He said that when I settle down and try to have children, I may find that my period comes heavy, with cramps. I was like what's the difference Doc? I have heavy periods, with cramps now. I guess I can only expect worse.... So, in the meantime, he thinks that eventually my spotting should stop, and I just carry on as I am. If I find it more painful that it currently is, I am to head on back to him and see what is going on now. Another 2 year wait! Yay! But, of course, that is only if I do not get better. Essentially what my birth control does is stop it from growing back in the same place that he burned it off of this time. Doesn't necessarily help anywhere else.... But, children should still be a definite possibility, despite all the problems I have had since I became sexually active back when I was 18. I see it as good news in that my family has not been jeopardized. I am a little frustrated that there is nothing we can do to prevent this in the future though. I am a little frustrated that this is not the end. I wanted him to find a real problem, one that we could fix. But, I guess not having a real problem is better than having a real problem. Just think of the horror I would have felt if my real problem was unfixable! So I have a not-so-real problem that is essentially unfixable, but, whatever, it is not a real problem right. And the extra good news, is my PAPS continue to come back clean. So that is what my Gyno has to say. And I have nothing else to say, so I am going outside to enjoy the sunshine again... I am hoping a friend calls me to say they are in town and have time for coffee, but other than that, no plans for today at all. I never know if I want to schedule life after a Gyno appointment or not.... sometimes I come home in tears, sometimes I come home in pain, and sometimes I come home just fine! Today is a just fine kinda day, so... I am off to enjoy it!

I love you!

Pride

As promised in yesterday's blog, I went to Pride today. It was my first Pride, and I think I will go every year from now on (providing I am in a country where Pride is legal.... being Gay is Illegal in Ghana....). I have more gay than straight friends, so it's about time I stood up for their rights and celebrated their victories with them. It was great to see so many couples, who are normally 'forced' by society to hide their relationships, proudly holding their partners hands. In the last little while I have decided it is more normal to see women together in public than men. So the men that were there seemed inspirational to me. It didn't even bother me that my haircut (stylishly in a Mohawk – just like every other woman with hair my length or a little longer) might have me getting lesbian looks. I admit that I do not like how the looks I have received from some men (and women) since I shaved my head have changed. The men seem to look at me with a little bit of distaste, and the women, well, honestly, I prefer not to think about it! We are all good, as long as you don't hit on me! I know.... I have had this problem for a while. I admit that sometimes when I see gay couples I feel a little weird. I think that is society's doing. In the past, we have worked hard on making gays 'Different' and therefore bad. Their relationship does not bother me, I think it is just 'shocking' when I see it. I know it is silly. But today, it only felt right. I was amazed at the number of older couples that were out with us today. I always assumed (I know, don't assume!) that it was more of a young person's initiative. However, it is probably because our generation has made such an effort to bring Gay Pride to the forefront that these couples are comfortable being out in public. With the exception of a few haters, Pride is a safe place to come out at. The Student Union table did have some haters go by, but we just stated our opinion and told them they were allowed their own. We did however wonder what they were doing at the event.
We were right up front in the parade. We followed into the line up right after the 40 foot long Pride Flag went down the road. It was really fun. It's different than the only other parade I have taken part in – the Remembrance Day Parade that Girl Guides joined in every year at the civic center. This is a celebration parade, a fun, and make our point be known parade whereas Remembrance Day is obviously more of a somber walk of remembrance. It was really fun. We handed out Adult Only Goodie Bags to the adults and candy to their very disappointed children. Jess and I held the banner, and every now and then, we would make a detour because I found the perfect person to give a goodie bag too. For the most part, we just walked and the other members gave out the goods. The Student Union had put together shirts in every colour of the Pride Rainbow with their slogan on it. We all wore these for the day. I was purple and sadly purple didn't work out very well – one could barely see the writing on my shirt. Every time I sent up a “whoop”, a “whoop” wave followed behind me. This lady ahead of us was like “Can I try to get others to follow me like that? So, we waited quietly, she let out a cheer and it too, followed down the line. I was surprised at the amount of people lining some of the streets. For a while it looked like we had left all of the support on City Hall's lawn, but there were little groups along the entire route. I know, a lot of the parents were only there so their children could see a parade, but that doesn't matter either.

Did you know that any man that has had sex with a man, can never donate blood? It doesn't matter about monogamous relationships or safe sex, or even if the man has tested clean for everything. Any man that has had sex with another man cannot donate blood. We handed out forms all day to put a stop to this segregation. Canada is always in desperate need of blood, and we turn people away because they love the same sex? Pretty ridiculous! It seems to me that if you are going to stop gay men from donating blood, then anyone who is sexually active shouldn't be able to either. What's the difference between me and my multiple partners in my lifetime, and gay man? Anyways, if you want to help with that, go to www.stoptheban.ca to join the fight against this.

Of course, all the Pride activities were going on. We had our Queen's out in full gear, preforming on the steps of City Hall. To me, this feels a bit like a protest, that everything happened on the front lawn of City Hall, and in a way I guess it was, but I know we also had permission to be there. I had my face painted by Kelsey – Jess and I were getting rainbows done! Starbucks was giving away free cold beverages. There was a BBQ going. There were 12 booths with information for gay couples – and the public of course: AIDS awareness, the Nurse's Union, the needle exchange, people selling Pride items and just people out showing they care. If I had more friends, I might even have gone to the dance tonight – but that almost seems too much like becoming a part of them, instead of just a supporter. I still make that sound bad don't I? It's not like that. I just know I am straight. But as the straight supporters signs said – Straight but not Narrow. I guess, a big part of me is afraid: being hit on, although flattering, is a little nerve racking when you are totally not interested in their gender!

I had such a great time at Pride today, I stayed the whole day. I was not going to the dancing, or to the film festival, or to the BBQ in the park tomorrow. I love that all couples were welcomed at this event. I love that people were free to love for once, as they felt they should. I love that I was a part of it. I support all couples, and think that no one has the right to stop them from loving who they love.

I think it was the Greeks, back in ancient times. They believed that they were all born with an other half. This other half could be any gender. It was the part that made them whole. Having annoyed the Gods, they were all separated and made separate entities. The Greeks then believe that every human spends their life searching for their other half – the one the God's separated them from. Therefore, it never mattered in Greek mythology if you found someone of the same sex or opposite sex to love. It was your other half, and that was all that mattered: you were now complete.

Obviously, I am getting past this finding “the other half” slowly, but, I still believe in the concept. I do not believe that anyone chose to be straight or not, and I don't believe that anyone else has the right to judge them on that. To judge on their choice of partners, alright, maybe that needs some judgment, but not on the sex of that partner.

In other news......

Arriving home from Pride, I had a message from Walmart asking me to call them. I called back, did a quick phone interview with the girl and have a face to face interview on Tuesday. She says I have to bring 2 pieces of ID with me. That sounds positive right? She asked why I left the college. I told her that I was still an employee there, but it is casual work, and I require more stable employment. She asked what my previous job was (Apparently my resume was in the other room) and I said Western Inventory Services. She almost laughed, and said “I don't have to ask any more questions about that, we all know WIS well” I was like, I know. I told her that I was willing to work in almost any department, but my experience lays with the cash register. She asked why I wanted to apply to Walmart. I didn't hesitate. I told her that in all honesty, I had applied at many places, but that Walmart employees always seem helpful and friendly, and that I would enjoy being a part of a team like that. It got me an interview anyways!

Despite it being a box store, and a step down from what I am used to, I am excited for my interview. I will have to tell them that I have 2 weeks of work scheduled with CNC, and that I will work anything else that CNC gives me around them. I am going to leave out my desire to travel until I have that figured out. If they ask about long term plans, I guess I will have to tell them that though. However, with none of it planned, it can seem distant future. I am excited that I might have work again, and something to do! I gave my hours of availability whatever the bus ran. I fumbled through the bus schedule while on the phone to give her an approximate time I would have to leave to catch the bus. Although they close at 10, I cannot work until close, and the bus goes by Walmart at about 10:15 for it's last run for the night, and you have to be able to say half an hour before or after the store's hours.

If I don't get on at Walmart, I will follow through with the quickie to the Okanagan. It all depends on Tuesday now!

I had to cancel my last counseling appointment though. I am hoping she can reschedule. We are not really going to have a session so much as talk about Ghana one more time. I am supposed to bring my scrapbooks and we are going to go through them. I think it is more that after hearing about Ghana for 3 months, she just wants to see some of it. But Hell, I LOVE talking about Ghana, and I love sharing my scrapbooks on them. I am proud of how my scrapbooks look, and the time I spent there changed my life. Then, I am counselor-less for August. I have emergency numbers, and the main referral line, but I am hoping not to have to use them. I think I will continue counseling in the fall. I enjoy having someone to tell all my problems too – and they might just have an answer for me! It's funny. Me, as a happy individual talks for an hour without noticing how it has passed. Me as super depressed can tell a lot as well, if I know what is going on. Fighting with Trav, I had lots to say. But in just a normal mood, I have nothing to say. Last week, I was bored and nothing had happened in ages, and the hour was one of the longest of my life! But, I am glad I went. I know I could have done this eventually, and I am not sure she was amazing, but I think that having her on my side did a lot for me. I don't know. It's strange. I enjoy going to counseling every week though. Next month is going to feel weird!

I see my Gynecologist again on Monday. He shouldn't have much to say that we don't already know. He just has a fuller analysis of my scopes than his nurse had 6 weeks ago. Of course, I will tell you all about that!

For now, I am going to go find a movie for tonight, and then spend another day in the sun tomorrow!

I love you!

LIES.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate liars? Well, I do. Tell me the truth dammit! I accept it far better than when I find out you have lied. And for the record, it always comes out, at some point down the road. I am tired of “friends” who lie to me. Some people tell me that I should call them on it. Some people tell me to ignore it. The liar always has a reason why they lied. But to me, betrayal is betrayal. I am no longer going to fight to keep people in my life. If you don't want to be my friend, then please, don't be my friend. Don't lie to me and make up excuses why we cannot hang out. Oh, and word to the wise, don't post things that make your lies obvious on Facebook. Some of you might say that Facebook is the problem. But Liars are. Liars are just more easily spotted on social networks such as Facebook and Twitter (not that I am tweeter). I will not call you on your lies. I will merely walk away. I guess, it's up to you decide which you want.

Sorry. I had a friend tell me they couldn't hang out with me for 2 weeks because they were that crazy busy. The next day, the write on someone's wall wondering if they can hang out on Sunday. Super crazy busy hey? I understand. I am just not worth the time. * shrugs * fine with me. It's their loss right? But I do wonder why I get stood up so often, and why people make so many excuses why they cannot hang out with me. Why people no longer want to be my friend if I make a mistake. I know I am not perfect, but I do not feel like I do anything to push people away like this!

As Brandi has always said, it's quality over quantity. I know this. Sadly, I find out more and more often how true it is. I have never been able to claim many friends. I find it incredibly sad every time I have to knock another friend off the list because they insist on lying to me. Why is it so hard to tell the truth?

However, my quality friends are superb. They are the few who read my blog every day. They are the few that when they say “I love you” I believe to be true. They are the ones who believe in me, believe in my dreams. True friends are the ones that find time for you, who listen to you, and don't run away if life is a little tough. I always find it extra ironic when people lie when I am at my best – happy and 'normal' as opposed to the depressed I feel so often. I used to think that a good friend was one who stuck by me in my moods. However, I find that a lot of people who stick by me when I am depressed are no where to be found afterward. Can anyone explain that to me? Am I different when happy? Well, I guess that is obvious; but am I different in a bad way? Why do some people only want to be my friend when I am depressed? Where are they afterward? And even when they are there when I am depressed they quickly tire of my moods (No. I do not blame them, I normally do to, but I know that I am doing all I can do to fight it. I no longer hesitate with my anti-depressants. I no longer try to wait it out. I get help these days. So why do I have so few friends? And why do even fewer of them live where I can see them!?

I am lonely and sad tonight. I am close to tears. I want someone to hang out with. I even went out today. I had coffee with a friend I didn't even realize I really had until recently. I think she is a true friend as well. She says I can call her anytime I need a friend. She wants me on Skype so we can chat when she is back at school.

I might go on a quick road trip with her next week. She has to go to the Okanagan to see her Grandparents. I need a bra. There are some people in Merritt and Kelowna I want to see, plus I could pop in quickly to Dad's place. Maybe I can see Justin too! YAY! I really miss his presence in my life. I knew he was growing on me... I will only have about 4 days before I have to be home to house-sit for most of August. At least I will have a car to use from them. I might go out and see Mom and Derek for a day at some point during August, but I think this quickie might be all I get in for travel for a while.

I am going to be in the Pride Parade tomorrow. I am really excited. The CNC Student Union is doing a we support the Gay Community banner, and they have someone wearing every colour of the pride rainbow. I will be one of those colours with them. I plan to take lots of pictures, so stay tuned! Hopefully, it will be fun enough to blog about!

I am supposed to have coffee with a friend's wife next week. Scott married her in Vancouver while I was gone, and have yet to meet her. Scott says we would truly get along well, so I am a little excited to finally have this going on. She says that she will have Emma (Scott's 5 year old daughter) and that we could maybe go to the water park. Because I am me, I asked if I could then bring Nathaniel with me, as I am sure he and Emma would have a great time together. It's always better with someone to play with right! I need a date from her though, because I need to talk to Natasha about it all of course!

Still no luck on the job front. Adrianne suggested today on our coffee date that maybe I should just find someone to volunteer for the summer. It would get me out of the house and give me something meaningful to do. I honestly hadn't thought of that, I think I will look into it. Maybe I will take the laptop outside and do a search now. I don't want to be inside, but have been reading all day and am tired of reading now too!

Anyways, I just wanted to vent a little about liars and to tell you what's going on in my life. I know, it's not much, but I do have an amazing tan! I remember being golden brown as a child, I used to call it marshmallow perfect. I almost feel like I am there now! Andrea gets home soon, so hopefully I can start making plans with her! Adrianne (smart girl that she is) also suggested I could just get a working visa and go and live with Andrea or someone over there for a while and figure out my life from there too, since I have an overwhelming urge to get out of PG where I feel like there is even less here for me with each passing day, and every lie that comes my way.

I know, a little down from what you have heard lately, but... well, I am bored and unhappy with that! I wake up every day wondering what I should do today! I woke up at 6 am the other day with a thought of walking the 7 km return trip to the university right then. But my next thought was, so you are done by 9 am! What do you do with the whole day then!? Needless to say, I went back to sleep, but I did go up the hill that day, and tacked an extra kilometer on for fun...

I love you. Thank you for being a real friend!

Ghana

I bought a child. I actually did this last week, but the paper work arrived today, so now it feels more real! World Vision arrived on my doorstep one day a little while ago. The girl was doing her whole speal, I was listening with the intent of telling her to go away (well, more like I cannot afford a dollar a day for a child in need... but then, whoa! How can one in our society not afford a dollar a day? That is not even a coffee!). However, she produced two pictures, one male, one female. As I gave these pictures a cursory glance, one word jumped out and I knew I was doomed. The little boy lives in Accra. World Vision Stalked Me! I do not believe in chances. She KNEW if she produced Ghana, I would be sucked into their deep hole of money!
Forget that, I believe in World Vision and I think they do good work. I believe they are probably one of the more reputable humanitarian aid organizations out there. However, I do feel like I was tricked into it! I had no intentions of handing this girl my credit card, and sponsoring a child this year! I talked to my girlfriend in England right after I did this. She was like why on earth would you do that when you have 31 other children in Ghana? But after I was like aww, he is from Ghana, the girl took off on her sales pitch, and before I knew it, everything was done, and I was holding a picture of a 6 year old boy.

I wrote Shamsudeen a letter today. His name sounds Muslim. If he is Muslim, he is of the 5% minority of Ghana in terms of religion. But, I am unsure of how to send it. They tell me that all the information I need to send Shamsudeen a letter is on the magnet they sent today... the magnet only has a website, so I guess I could go there! They also promise me even more information soon.
I am kind of excited to have a pen-pal in Ghana. Shamsudeen will have a different perception on life than my other babies, as he still has his parents. World Vision says that you can visit your sponsored child, as long as you arrange in 3 months in advance. I hope to know that I am going back to Ghana before 3 months in advance! I know I will have only been his sponsor for half a year or so by then, but I hope to be able to meet him. I would probably bring him some toys as well as stuff for the orphanage. I know that most of the children in Ghana could use help, so why not help someone else too.

Of course, when the orphanage is facing eviction and we do not have nearly the funds that we need to complete the new building, maybe my $420 bucks would be better spent there. I never know. Do those 30 children deserve more than Shamsudeen? In some ways, they already have far more, because of the sheer amount of volunteers that go through there. Andrea says there are 17-21 volunteers in Bawjiase right now- and we have had to rent a second house for them all to stay in! Eddie has 23 volunteers in the volunteer house in Accra right now! None of them are going to Bawjiase as far as I understand, but I am pretty sure Bawjiase has quite enough until August 1!

I talked to Pastor last week. He said that my baby's family took him to Togo. I almost cried at that news! I cannot find him if he is not in Ghana! I was hoping to be able to see him for a bit while I was in Ghana next, but I guess that will be out. I will talk to Pastor again then. Pastor said that the oldest teacher will not teach anymore, so the oldest kids are all looking for someone to sponsor them to go to school at a real school for now. I think that is great, however, I think they all should be, and obviously, we do not have the money for that! Andrea and many of the children have Malaria. Andrea says it's no big deal – you just feel very weak! But, she did take all the drugs and is back on her Malaria tablets again. It is the rainy season, I gather it is very damp and very buggy! Crazy! And to think that I didn't really consider Malaria to be a problem! But, it was a different season. There were so few mosquitoes in the time I was there. Besides, I suffocated inside my mosquito net....

Pride and Joy!

I am laughing with pride, overwhelmed by joy. I did what I deemed impossible today. Not only did I fill out applications and apply to Canadian Tire, Walmart and Costco, I did even more! I never thought that was possible. There I was, resumes in hand, filling out applications at a BBBS table, because I didn't think to bring a pen. Genius right? Applications totally annoy me: what is the point of a resume and cover letter when one has to answer all sorts of dumb questions? However, I did three of them today. I even explored the bus system a little bit to see which bus is best for me. I learned that it is about 20 minutes on the bus from where I would catch the bus, to Walmart. I guess that is not too bad – you commuters would tell me that is nothing, but please remember, I live in Prince George. Then Costco made me angry. I wanted to fill out my application in the food court, and have a piece of their delicious, greasy pizza. But the girl wouldn't let me in. I know you normally cannot with a membership card, but I hoped that because I was applying, they would let me. Nope. I fill out the application, smile pretty and walk away. I head for the bus stop of the bus which brings me practically to my door. I stop and look at the schedule, wondering when the next bus comes. NO! I have missed the bus by 10 minutes, and this particular loop only runs once an hour. I carry on walking to the mall, where I will have a pizza by the slice, from who ever it is that sells pizza and pasta. NOTE: the pizza and pasta store is not there anymore. So, I have a poutine and mozza burger from A&W and plan my route home. I quite often walk from the mall, but today did not seem to be my day. I looked and that not-so-handy-1-hour-loop bus is at the mall, going the direction I need it, in about 20 minutes. I head out the bus stop. It starts raining (I am pretty sure it might be snow, it feels awfully cold today!). Eventually, the bus comes and I made it home. Chapters kindly had emailed me while I was out that 4/6 of the books I bought yesterday have been shipped. Mom had some sort of Mystery Coupon that you didn't know the value of until you cashed it in for Chapters for online purchases. So, I sat down and found books yesterday (Mom really ought to stop encouraging this!). I bought $130 worth of books, but am only paying 50 some bucks for them. I think the coupon was 10%. So, I am excited that my books are on their way! I had just finished my newest book collection and was starting to read the books we pick up at yard sales! There is nothing wrong with those books, we normally have a pretty decent collection. I am not sure why I am so into new books this year, but I seem to be.

Okay, so you have probably forgotten why I am overflowing with pride and joy today. Well, yesterday in my loneliness, I decided to text Travis, just to see how he was doing. I haven't heard anything from him since before I went to his parents place, and very little at that point. He didn't respond last night, but did early this afternoon at some point while I was on my pounding the pavement resume journey. He doesn't have much to say (to anyone he says) to me these days. But he said he was fine, I said the same. Then he told me that thinking about me is still very painful to him. I laughed! Can you believe it? I laughed.

I don't believe thinking about me is painful to him, I am not sure it ever was. I do not believe that he is still hurting from the series of bad choices that he made. If I am not still hurting from it, how can he be? After a long pause in our text conversation, I decided that I would text him back. My text told him that I thought he was funny.

I am so proud of myself. I seem to have overcome this completely. There are still days I miss him, but I do not believe the man I loved ever existed and I am pretty sure that almost everything I thought I knew about him is a lie. But, maybe he does miss me. I am pretty much the best person since Mother Theresa (ha ha). I am amazing, and although I might not be good in the sack, I am the best you'll ever find! Seriously though, I am awesome, and I have a huge heart. It's not often you will find someone willing to forgive you for your mistakes for as long as I will.

Anyways, I had to share this complete turn around with someone, even though I don't have much else to say, and this is a very poorly written blog.

I love you!!!

One Moment

I don't know if you remember me... My name is Jenna, I went to Ghana in the fall...

Of Course I remember you!

I am sorry to took me so long to call you

I didn't expect you to (although, she did insist at one point that I needed to call her when I got home)

Well, you made a big difference to the children. I wanted to show you my pictures from my time there

That is so exciting! I definitely want to see all of them!

I have two massive photo albums....

Great! I want to see them all!



I am back on that one word, the one moment in time, that changes everything. Last week, I complained that in one scene on the TV, I remembered Travis and I all missed about him and I. Tonight, it was one short conversation that I had. I was feeling lonely and depressed. It's that time of month, what can I say. I know it, I do my best to just deal with it. Then I decided to make this call; it has been on my actual to-do list for over a week, mentally on my to-do list since March. Now, I can't help but smile. I laugh to myself. I guess it is because I now feel important again: important and remembered. Remembered because of ME, not because of the amount of money she gave to my cause. I still have no plans for tonight, and still wish I did (however, do not know who I would want to call to try to have plans... so yes, I know that I am not doing what I need to do). I think I might have a nice evening, with a movie or something at home.

Besides from my happy moment, things have gone well since my last blog entry. My sleep pattern is completely messed up. I can no longer sleep until about 1 AM, at which point I have fitful dreams and my regular 5 AM nightmares of death and destruction. I force myself up by 9:30 in an attempt to maintain some normalcy in life. However, with nothing to do but sunbath the day away, I find myself still unmotivated. Today, I didn't get in the shower until 12:30. But, I had the lawn mowed by 2 PM, so I must have been doing something. By 3 PM I was sunbathing. By 4:30 I was bored. And to think my day didn't really start until 1 pm!!!

I am still applying for jobs. I think I might do a resume run on Monday on the bus. There are a couple of places that want in person resumes (what a pain in the butt in today's society!) It will be the first resumes I have delivered in person since 2006. Ouch. Walmart and Canadian Tire don't really seem to have an option to apply online for basic jobs, only for the actual “careers” and Costco only accepts in person applications. Of course, I do not know that any of them are hiring, but I do think they should hire me for now! There was a real job that I applied for at UNBC. I remain hesitant about real jobs as well, as I still plan to be traveling or doing something I dream of and not staying in PG forever.

I have asked some people at CNC what they know about teaching English overseas. Everyone has a different answer. Some say it depends on the country in which I want to teach – well that doesn't leave much room for the “where the wind takes me” attitude I have developed and enjoy the sound of so much. I really do see this as an adventure, where I get to see different parts of the world. Contracts seem to be one year in length, right now I think that I would want to do my couple of years in different locations. Who knows, maybe I will make that my career! All I know about my career is that I do not want to be somewhere as materialistic as the “Western World”. I want to be somewhere where the small things are appreciated for what they are: small miracles that happen everyday. Some answer that TESOL is best. Some say that TESL is the only way to go. Just to throw me off, one says CELTA (Certified English Language Teaching to Adults). I however am pretty sure I want to teach to young children. Young children have always been my passion. When I was going to be an elementary school teacher here in town, I wanted to teach grade 2 or 3. I think that is probably still about what I want. CELTA has an extension program (not to be taken immediately after CELTA for some reason, but requiring CELTA nonetheless) that caters to teaching to “Young Learners” which would interest me as well. Both are 10 week courses. This being the first I have heard of CELTA I am a little leery. With CELTA you also get your TESL, but I thought my research had told me that TESOL was better than TESL? YIKES. Too much for me! So, I am just laying low on the decisions, doing a little research, and applying for lame jobs, but bored out of my tree, so happy to be doing it.

That's about it for me. Sunbathing. Applying for a job. Doing research. Went to the lake yesterday with Big Brothers, hopefully going tomorrow as well. I am thinking that I might change my plans about no travel this summer. I do need a new bra. Maybe do a Greyhound tour of BC... go see some friends in Kamloops, Merritt, buy a bra in Kelowna.. maybe a week or two? I don't know. I guess we will see. I am house sitting all of August, so it out of the picture for then. I guess it depends on the job situation hey!

To be or Not to be?

Can't sleep, clowns will eat me. Never mind, that only happens at 5 am, and it had yet to be clowns, but is always something. If it is not getting me, it is getting someone I love. If we are all escaping, believe me, we are all running for our lives. And if no one is after me and my loved ones, perhaps I am after someone or something. Always violent, always starting at 5 am. This has been going on about a month now, maybe a little more. Justin suggested that this might be a result of the amount of death in my life. Not death per say, but the chance of death, the thought of losing loved one to death or other things. I accepted that at the time, it seemed pretty reasonable. Tonight, I think it is my “death” that is suffocating me into these dreams. The more I sit here unemployed the more I feel a little bit dead. I don't do anything, because really, what is there to do? I am applying for jobs that I have no interest in, and admitting that I have other career goals in the application process, because, well, I do. There is not a job in this town that I would want to stay with as a career. Even at the college, I do it because it pays good money, not because I am in love with the job. So, maybe it is my death, slowly dying because of lack of dreams, lack of job and lack of whatever else I will allow myself. If it is me, then I vow to change it!

But, my crazy dreams are not the reason I cannot sleep now. This week, it seems that my brain only works when I try to go to sleep. So tonight, because my eyes are slowly closing on me, but I cannot even get comfortable, and I am yelling “STOP” inside my head more than I am not, I thought maybe I should just get up and write it out. My doctor suggested that sleeping problems come from letting the bed be used for something besides sleep (not that, you perverts!). She said I should avoid reading in bed; I don't read in bed, but I decided that maybe getting up would stop the problem tonight. If I write it out, maybe I can sleep!

Tonight it is questions of my future which keep me awake. It seems like now is the time to make huge choices, now is the time to make the changes my life requires, but I feel like I need to go a million directions RIGHT NOW, and do not know which is the right or the first path to take. Obviously, I am human and cannot be stretched in a million directions. I will break – if not physically, then emotionally!

I have come into money that would allow my adoption of Desmond easier. However, I still do not know if this is correct. I love the boy, I would love to watch him grow up, to help him grow in the right directions, to be there for his every hurt. However, is a single parent with loads of love enough? Is our culture really better than his? Could I even handle raising a child on my own? Do I want to? I still want to travel, and I still want to have a family, and yes, I still want both right now. Which is more important to me? Which will benefit me more down the line? Will I regret one if I do the other? Ultimately, I think my original decision that I have to leave Desmond in Ghana is the path I must take. My cousin suggested that I could raise the child on my own, and that I should not wait for a man to let my dreams come true. While this rang true, I also still feel very strongly that I should have a father to offer a child as well. I know I came out just fine from growing up in a broken family, but I know many people that did not. However, my choice on Desmond I think comes from the rest of me knowing that even though I love him as though he was my own, I think he is better off in Ghana. So I pray that he has a good life, and that he knows that I love him. I still hope to be able to go see him the next time I am in Ghana, where ever he is.

So, having decided against my baby, now what? I want to travel, but my traveling is based upon my girlfriend's ability to travel, financially. I KNOW you are going to say something about limiting myself through what others can or cannot, will or will not do. However, travel is something I have always wanted to do, but I have never wanted to do it alone. I would still love to take my life partner on these adventures with me, but this is one case where I will not wait for a man to make my dreams come true. I will however, wait for Andrea's bank account to allow it. If Andrea can swing it, I am out of here, practically on the next plane for the trip! We would at least do parts of Europe together. Ideally, this trip coincides with my trip to Ghana which I am still planning around December. Andrea is currently in Ghana and not back for another 2 weeks, so I am waiting on this part of my life until she gets home and can make some decisions.

Another of my dreams is to see the world, and to have a career where I can be amongst some of the world's most amazing people (where ever I find them – those who have nothing but appreciate it, those who know that love, family, friends and community is enough). I have been thinking about getting my TESOL (Teaching English as a Second or Other Language) however, even this has me torn. I don't really want to teach, but TESOL puts me in a different sort of position. This position can benefit me in many ways, that relate to my other dreams. If I were to get my TESOL, chances of me being able to work in Asia where they can afford to pay their English teachers is high. This would then allow me to gain valuable hours overseas while making some money. A lot of the schools there, from what my recent research shows me, also pay the teacher's room and board, along with a salary. From what I see of humanitarian work, 3-5 years of overseas experience is required. TESOL is one of the only ways I see myself being able to meet that requirement. I obviously cannot afford to volunteer for 3 years when my three months cost me 10 grand! (Yes, I realize that I did a lot of travel and fun things in those three months). So, after a couple of years teaching overseas (which is obviously a little different from just plain teaching here – it is a new culture and experience unlike one in our own culture), I would find myself more eligible for the jobs which attract me now. I would also have a better idea of what teaching is like, along with the obvious experience of living over seas permanently. Obviously, I could also take different contracts to broaden the experience even more.

Okay, so it kind of sounds like I have talked myself into that one, despite my protests of going back to school and being a teacher. The next question is, if I do my TESOL, where do I do it? Vancouver Community College offers a 10 month diploma program for a TESOL, costing approximately 4 grand, plus accommodations for your 10 month stay. I do not know anyone that can take a roommate for 10 months! Thompson Rivers University offers a TESOL in a semester (5 courses), based on normal course fees ($145 a course or whatever). Is there a huge difference between a 10 month and a four month program? What are the benefits of each? Which would be more worth my while? UNBC also offers what they claim to be a TESOL course for $900, running once a month for four months. That doesn't seem nearly as worth while as the other two. Vancouver Community College also offers an intensive one month program. I think I would feel more comfortable with a slightly longer program. I have no teaching experience at all!

If I go back to school to get my TESOL, then I have to plan my travel around it. TRU offers the program every semester, including the summer. I could start in September, January, or April. VCC starts only in September. UNBC's starts in January. If I am to start this January, say at TRU, then my travel plans need to be finished in time for me to move to Kamloops and take my program. Or, do I wait another year? I know my father will tell me that I can live with him, but is the cost of a car less than the cost of living on campus? I will probably need a part time job in Kamloops as well... is the cost of the commute worth the efforts?

Currently, I am having trouble finding the pay wage which I have grown accustomed to. I am going to have to settle to much closer to minimum wage than my pride would like. As it is, each application I make stabs another little needle into my pride. But if I am going to make all of this a reality, my pride also says I need to get back into the workforce, regardless of where it is. I know I have savings, but I have brought myself up (maybe my parents and grandparents had a part) to work for what I want. This means I do not get to sit on my ass any longer. I need a job, and I will have to find one, regardless of the cost to my ego. Maybe it is time for my ego to come down a notch or two anyways. Funny I say that, as I am just learning to love myself again. That is probably the cause of all this turmoil within me. I have spent the last five months hating me and where I am in life, and here I am, loving me, and changing where I am in life.

So to sum up my nasty, keep-awake thoughts: baby or travel? Travel or work? Teach and travel, or work at home? Dream 1 or Dream 2? TRU or VCC? 10 month or four month? TESOL or no TESOL? Teach or not teach?

I don't have the answers. I guess a lot of it I will actually base on another person. If I can do only one flight to England and base my life from there, why not right?

One Word

It's funny how one word, one thought, one moment can change everything. I was watching tv tonight. The couple had separated over a year ago on this show, but when he had a mental breakdown, she still went to his side. I knew that my heart would always want to do that for Travis. It made me tear up a little, I will admit it. I know it is silly, it was just a tv show! However, just that moment, that brief passing thought, has made me a little bit sad tonight. However, I will not cry from it tonight, I am healing. I know that healing sometimes comes with a little bit of pain. I know that healing takes time. And I know that I am taking the right steps towards healing. It's just funny how the smallest comment or word, or song, or whatever, can change your mood completely, make you remember things you try to forget, and to make you remember where you came from.

Just thought I would share that it was strange to me, to suddenly remember so much about my relationship with Travis, from one scene on a crime show!

Job Depression

I did what I never hoped to have to do. I applied for what I consider to be “below me” jobs. But, I chose the least below me I could think of. Starbucks, Tim Horton’s and Save On Foods received online applications from me last night. However, I did not give up on my hopes for more, steady work from CNC. I applied for only evening hours, leaving time to work 8-4 for good money in between! I felt incredibly depressed while I was filling out the applications. When I left WIS for CNC, I hoped to never have to go back to a job which pays so little. But, I am driving myself crazy in not having a job, I am bored the minute I wake up, and there is nothing to do (especially in this cold spring time weather) to keep me entertained all day long! I find myself napping for something to do. Its lonely sitting at home alone all day you know!

So, I broke down and applied. If these places do not hire me, I have to continue to look for jobs that although below me, are suitable enough for me. Staples and London Drugs I think are the next stops. It’s just so hard, after making so much money so easily to have to go to minimum wage again. I know how those laid off mill workers felt! No wonder they chose unemployment instead! Believe me, it is tempting. But, then I still have the fact that I am bored and driving myself crazy. I think it is because I am actually healing. I do not feel nearly as depressed. I can, most days, talk about Travis without tears. I have forgiven both of us, and although I did not feel anything at the time, I do feel relieved now. It’s in the past, and I am finally moving on. However, because I am not drowning in depression, I require something to do. It’s funny how that works hey? I am no longer content with staring at the walls around me for the day. Although, I still quite often lose time, and find that I have been sitting at the computer for 2 hours, and no one has even been online talking to me….

After doing my three applications last night, when I said I was going to bed, I found that when I actually went to bed, I was unable to sleep. Suddenly, my mind was alive with things. Maybe I will take a program at Justice Institute in Vancouver that will help me overseas – I need to look into the value of that. Maybe I should get my TESL and go teach English abroad. Many of the international jobs I have been looking at all require at least 2 years of overseas work before you will be considered for the job. Teaching at least, would bring in a salary of some sort instead of the volunteer work I love! And I know it would be a worthwhile job. I need to find somewhere that does a TESL course nearby, and maybe give a shout out to some of our ESL teachers at CNC. Thank goodness for email technology! I desperately want to travel the world, and see what else is out there. I am proud to be Canadian, but I know that Canada and America is not the only way of life. Ghana enthralled me with the vastness of its culture and love for one and other. I want to do all of Africa, I want to do Europe and Asia (I know Asia pays well for ESL as well…), I want to do South America, I want to do it all! That’s part of why I now seek the career path that I seek. I have fallen in love with travelling, and I have fallen in love with other cultures. My love for children is a long standing affair that I am proud to have. All I need to do is figure out how to make all of these things into one reality: a career.

Of course, my mind was also full of the thoughts that I had just applied for three jobs that I don’t really want, but would have to be happy to have. No one forced me to apply except myself. I need to work. I need to do something. So, my racing mind was running through the whys of why I did it. I got up and wrote a pro and con list to see what I was thinking. Surprisingly to me, but maybe not to you who see the value in any job, the list was high on the pros and low on the cons. I tend to be a bit pessimistic, but I am working on that again, and last night’s list proved that to me again. They say that if you think positive thoughts, positive things will come to you.

Positives to working at any of the three locations I applied to last night”
- They employ many ‘younger’ people (whereas at the college we young folks are the minority), and that leads to a chance to make friends, and gain a social life (however, I applied to work all evening, every evening, so that could make that challenging…. It also takes away from me time if I am to get a full time daytime job – which I am holding out for still).
- GHANA. I need money to go back and to travel with Andrea in the fall, this is a way to get that, even if they pay much less than I am used to making – it is more than I am making sitting here blogging!
- Networking. I will meet more people and perhaps get new ideas on how to find my ideal career. I realize that this is only a job and not a career for me, so I should take what I can get and take the chance at meeting new people.
- Having a job, even if only evenings and weekends for now (there must be work for me at CNC!) means that I have less time to sit here and feel sorry for myself (although, the pay decrease seems like more reasons to feel sorry for myself….) and less time to think about things that have gone wrong, those that have left my life, and all those other depressing thoughts I am so good at thinking!
- I am driving myself crazy without a job, so I am ready and needing to find a job!
- If I am going to take courses, I need to be able to pay the tuition on them! And courses will improve my life and my chances of getting the job that I dream of!
- If I have something to do, it will make me more active and maybe less tired? I am not sure this works, but again, it is worth a try, I am always so tired and am getting really tired of it!
So, I mingled my few cons in with those pros as the counter argument. I really don’t have many cons now do I? At this point, what do I have to lose except a little bit of false pride?

Other than the depressing job situation that I find myself in, life is going pretty good. I have been doing some work from that “Bible” us girls know and love. I think I was ready, because it all came pretty easily to me. I only worked with it in regards to Travis issues, but I think it helped a lot. I feel pretty good about it all now!

However, because of the depressing job situation, I don’t have much to report. I went to Canada Day in the park, I still don’t know why I insist on going every year – it is like the PGX – a must go to say you went, but no real reason to go event. I watched the incredible game that Ghana and Uruguay played. I think that hand ball on the goal line should still count as a goal. In my world, the ref messed up! Lol. Yes, I know the rules of the game, and I know he followed them. It is just so lame! That was our goal! It was in. If he couldn’t head it out, then there should have been no other obstacle. In my world, Ghana beat Uruguay; we just didn’t make it to the finals! What a great game Ghana!

So, that’s my life, in this week’s nutshell. Love you!

I am Me.

I am me. I am proud to be me. I am proud of my accomplishments. I am proud of who I am and proud of where I am. Life has dealt some nasty cards, but like has not been nasty or ugly in anyway. I am beautiful. I do beautiful things for others. I often put others before myself, but no longer do I put others ahead of myself. I live to make myself happy. I strive to make others happy along the way. No longer shall I be last in my life. I do what makes me happy until it stops making me happy. My dreams are to help other people. This give me a 'high' and off this high, I find myself thriving.

From now on, I am in control of my life. No one can change my dreams except myself. No one can stop me from following these dreams. No one's opinion affects me, except my own. I choose to only listen to positive feedback or constructive criticism, even from myself. I choose to love myself as the being I am, a being I am proud to know, proud to be. I choose to only accept loving people into my life. I will not hold onto the past, but I will accept it has made me who I am today. I will take the lessons learned and grown from them. I will forgive the pain. I choose to remember only the good times, and forget the bad. I choose to be true to myself.

I am me. I am proud to be me. I proudly stand next to who I am and cheer me on. I am beautiful, inside and out. There is no one I am more proud of than Jenna Rae McAllister; me.