Not Ready for Goodbye

I just don’t get it. I get “in trouble” when I don’t apply for a job because I won’t be there for the full term of the position. So next time comes around, and I apply for a job that I won’t be there for the full position. This time, I get asked “what were you thinking? You can’t do the term.” How do I win in this situation? And, it’s all from the same person. I just don’t get it.

I am sure it is hormones talking, but today, I feel so close to tears. His changed mind has me wanting to cry. For that matter, so does moving to China. I will have to say some real goodbyes this summer. I think I want a couple weeks to travel in Canada. The more I think about it, the less logical it becomes to go to my Aunt’s wedding anniversary party for the July long weekend. But, I want to see my family before I leave. We may be separated, but I love them and miss them. I need time to see Dad and Tami, and some of not all of my cousins before I go. I need to say a goodbye to Nathaniel and to Marlene. I need to finish the photo album I started for Nate. I know that me leaving for a year is the end of him in my life. I cannot show up over a year later and expect the warm welcome I am used to. So I have to say goodbye. Maybe it’s way past time anyways. It’s been a year since his father and I broke up. I always claimed I would keep the relationship alive, but how do I do that from China? I might still send him a birthday/Christmas card, but I have to drift out. I feel this for all of Trav’s family all of a sudden actually. I feel like keeping a relationship with me is a burden we could all do without. It’s not as strained as it was when Trav and I weren’t talking, but I think it too has reached the closing point. Mom is sick and despite trying to remain positive, I would be surprised if I got to see her again after I left for China. I would like to remain a friend to them, but not the daughter like friend I wanted to be, and was. I will try to take Nate out there one weekend to say goodbyes to all of them. However, I am not letting go of Travis. He is still my best friend (if you didn’t gather that from my last post), and I will always love him. But I guess he can have his family back.

Since I came back from Vancouver and started looking for a job overseas, I have found myself drifting away from those that mean everything to me. If Nickolas gives me attitude, I give it right back at him, annoyed at him for the first time in four years. I know that we are both acting out against the goodbye that is coming, but it just makes me sadder. I do consider him to be my little brother, and in the last four years, we have had so many good times. I am definitely going to miss that little guy. I am trying to make up for my leaving by having the coolest time possible in the coming weeks. We are going to make his mother a birthday present. I think we will make mugs for ourselves as a memento. I am making a scrapbook which I want us to write notes in for each other. I probably actually have too much planned for remaining weeks. I hate the thought of saying goodbye to him. I hate to think of what happens with me gone. Does he get a new buddy? Will they connect? Will the new person help him as he reaches puberty? I certainly couldn’t help him with that.

And of course, there is also all of my friends. I will have to say a goodbye to them as well. It’s not like going to Ghana for a couple months anymore. It’s more permanent than my travels have been before. the 2-4 months I have left in the past is nothing. Now I am gone for a year. Best case scenario, I am home for maybe two months in the summer to see them again. Worst case scenario, I stay gone more than a year. Will they still be there when I come home? Will they write? Will anyone even care that I am gone and not on facebook anymore? Will they email? Or will I be cut from the loop completely? I am following a dream only a year in the making, but it is one I fully believe in. Why is this all hitting so hard? And why do I feel like I am losing everything that matters to me?

Lonely Talk

My unemployed stance has me in a difficult place. I am lonely. Every day, I try to find enough things to do to fight this off, but every day, the loneliness is there, just below the surface. I try to hide it, to suppress it, but it is always there. I am talking to many people online, but it’s not helping; it’s not the same as in person. I know that not one of you will support this, but I really miss Trav. Regardless of your opinion on the dear boy, he is still the best friend I have ever had. He understands me and I don’t have to do a lot of explaining. And, I miss him. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him, and want to talk to him. This isn’t really an option though. I do my best to deal with it.

Many of you are probably already thinking about how I am going to manage life in China, where I am effectively cut off from the internet world in which I know it. Just like I did in Ghana, I am going to be immersed in the culture. I am going to be busy. Yes, I will still have lonely moments. But, I will also be making new friends with the other teachers and people I come into contact with. It will be wonderful. And, I will Skype home as often as I can on a 15 hour time difference! I am not worried about life in China. It’s the unemployed nothing to do life that gets to me.

I haven’t written “poetry” in a long time, but in the last 8 days, I have written two. I am going to share these on my blog, for the first time.



Your Demands

I was minding my own business
Looking for things to buy
Out of no where
I was blindsided by a smile
I lost eight years in a second
I was 18 and falling in love
The flashback lasted about a minute
I dreamed it
Someone must have your smile
I told myself I was going crazy
But the more I watched you
The more I was sure it was you
You look different
But it’s been years
Since I last saw you
You kept making eye contact
And breaking it
Before I could even smile
Butterflies filled my stomach
This is crazy I thought
It’s probably not even you
I didn’t talk to you
Beyond those awkward glances
But I can’t stop thinking about you
And I am kicking myself
For not saying anything
I was obeying your wished
Wishes from so long ago
Wishes your eyes still portrayed
But now I can’t stop thinking
And wondering how you are
Wishing I had broken your demands
To fulfill my desire
To know if it was even you
And how you are today


One Week

It only took me a week
To say I couldn’t live without you
To declare you the
Best friend I ever had
Everyone called me foolish
After all, it had only been
One week

One week and I knew
I could never have you
The way I wanted to
I could never be your girl
A best friend would have to do
Every time you kissed me
I tried to convince myself
That we had to be friends

One year
One year and we were engaged
I had found my prince
And it had started in
One week

Now, two and a half years
Since I knew you were
My soul mate
I feel back in week one
I still need you
For all my ups and downs
For the good, the bad, and the ugly
For every amazing moment
And every moment that breaks my heart
My body, mind, heart and soul
Call your name

I know I could talk to you
I know you would understand
I know you would be my best friend
Instead, I search for someone else
And hope they can do the job
They try their best
So I try not to compare
But I still come back
Wishing I had called you instead

One week was all it took
I have spent the last year
Wishing you were still here
Missing everything we should have
I still need you
And I still want you near

It’s been a year
But it still feels like week one
Trying to convince myself
We are better off this way
I always said
I needed you in my life
And I would take you
In any way I could get
But it’s not enough
I still want more

It’s been a year
Two and a half since
Week One
Where my world changed
Forever
In just…
In just one week