Anxious Thoughts

February 26, 2012

Life often doesn’t make any sense to me at all. Is that how it’s supposed to be? Is that how God planned it? I met a guy online (I know, many of you don’t approve). He was wonderful; we talked every day about everything and anything. It seemed like a good friendship was developing. And then, since we talked honestly, I admitted something about me that causes problems in a dating relationship. And *poof* he’s gone. I must admit, I didn’t see it coming. I am trying to read the Bible and to put God into my life – my life needs help and I obviously cannot do it alone. The Bible preaches forgiveness. I find myself wondering if that is really what I need. I always forgive, I always give more chances. Do I continue to do that? Is that what God wants me to do? I am also reading a book on loving Jesus. It states that although I must forgive and I must love, I also must not be a doormat. Sadly, I never see the difference until too late. But right now, I lost the person I felt closest to these days in my lost wonderings in China.

I am trying to make friends here, after seven months. I only have a little over four months left here, and now, I am trying to make friends. Klaas makes me laugh, so I am trying to invite him out with us more often (but his job often involves entertaining clients at dinner). Last night our little group of old men and Jenna went out for dinner with Sunny and some other friends that Dave knows. Here I met Grace for the first time officially, although I have seen her around a lot. Grace speaks English and has many connections all over town. I think we first met Grace because she recruits for a training school. Grace is really sweet, and asked if I would want to come to girl’s nights. I said of course. I found myself agreeing to many things she said, because ultimately, I am incredibly lonely here. Grace had a friend with her who spoke limited English. This girl proclaimed love for me because I patiently waited while she searched for the words to have a conversation with me (who has no Chinese). Both Grace and her friend (who didn’t have an English name…) are social butterflies and easy to be around. I hope they call me sometime. But at the same time I am trying to make friends, part of me is turning off. Why would I bother making friends now when I am leaving? I rarely can find a reason to go to town and when I do; my lack of Chinese often makes me sit reading a book instead of trying to socialize. Dave introduced me to some Canadian girls he met and I was like, wow, Canadians and mentally rolled my eyes. Then my loneliness will hit me full blast again and I will try another round at being social. However, all the social in the world doesn’t ultimately change the way I feel. Last night I had a great time with Dave, Grace and her friend, and I came home and wanted to cry out of loneliness. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do or how long I do it for, the minute I am alone again, I feel so alone in the world. I think I am loosing what little mind I had left.

I have been going to kinship meetings once a week for several months. Our little intimate group just grew and I don’t like it. I am told the more the merrier, but I find myself shutting off there as well. It was one thing for me to talk about my problems or my concerns, or my seeming inability to let God into my life with only three people listening. But now, there are more people and I don’t feel comfortable talking in front of them. It’s not like I am worried they will blab my secrets or anything, because really, I decided at my last mental breakdown not to have secrets. If you ask, I will tell you. But the entire group grew up with religion. We have one person converting from one religion to another; and we have me. I denied religion my entire life. I actually said more than once that I believe in a higher power, but I don’t believe in Jesus. Now as I am trying to give God control of my life, I am finding that one has to believe in Jesus – Jesus is God. For some reason, I guess I thought finding God would be easy. It’s not. Without the full Bible background, I find that I don’t understand a lot of the concepts. It seems to me like one has to read the Bible to find God. This contradicts everything I ever believed, or told myself. I always felt like I had a relationship with this mysterious higher being, just by knowing it was there. Is that enough for God? If it is, why do I still feel so alone? There are times when peace washes over me and I know I am not alone, but it is often so fleeting I wonder if I imagined it. When I listen to others pray, my prayers seem inadequate. They seem to know exactly how to pray, and the words to use. They don’t merely say “Help me learn to listen to your words” but a five minute prayer about it. Do I need to pray like that to have Him speak to me? Or do I just need to feel things and interpret them? I know God has spoken to me, but I have never heard the words. My trip to Ghana pretty much planned itself. One day I desperately wanted “my dream job” and the next I was going to Africa. One day I chose Ghana, for no reason other than that it was right. I have no doubt that God put me there. But, how? Why? I feel like I was most at peace with myself in Ghana. Maybe that is just nostalgia speaking though. I can’t really come up with a reason why life in Ghana was so perfect. The best part of Ghana was that love was unconditional, and I know I have never felt that before – at least not to that extent. In Ghana, my life had a purpose - -the care and wellbeing of 27 children.

I wish I didn’t resist God so much as a child. I wish that maybe I had sat through Bible Study on Sunday mornings at the cabin instead of going swimming. It is becoming clear to me that whatever excuses I had as a child are still holding me back. I have felt the power of a higher being; I have been saved from terrifying moments without injury; I have made decisions because I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do even though I had no knowledge of it. I pray and feel peace, at least for a moment. And then, some invisible force within me, one that I cannot identify or see coming, puts up a shield and denies my brain from what my heart knows. On four different occasions, I have been told a story, a vision, of how someone sees my relationship with God. In each one, God is giving me the world on a silver platter. He is offering me everything I want: the freedom, the love, the joy. And in every vision, all I have to do is accept the offer. And in every vision, I resist it. I find I cannot walk into the open gate, I cannot accept the cake, and I will not share my heavy load. And in every vision, the question remains unanswered: why do you resist? So, my question is, how do I get over my resistance? There is a part of me that says “I need proof to believe” but I have had proof in my lifetime. Do I need constant reassurance? I am not going to get that. That just goes to prove how insecure I am in my life. I do require constant reassurance. I need to know you love me; I need to know you care. I need to know that no matter what I do, you will still be there. I never get this, and so, I always feel alone. It’s silly. Ultimately, I need to learn to deal with my lack of self-esteem, and confidence. If I could do that, then maybe I wouldn’t need you so much. Then I could accept that God loves me unconditionally even if I don’t feel it every day. The thing is I have spent 27 years not knowing how to do that. How does one start? Most days, I do love myself. Most days, I am happy with where I have gotten to in life. Lately, I am tired of China. I am tired of winter which isn’t helping. I am tired of grey skies and chilly weather. I am tired of teaching and I am tired of what seems to be one way friendships. People from home aren’t contacting me. But often when they do, I don’t want to respond. I feel like I don’t know my friends at all. Some days, I feel like home has forgotten me. Dad says the only way to know this is to go home and see. But, I am not sure I want to go home and try to pick up old friendships. I am afraid that everything will have changed so much there is nothing left to talk about. Right now the best I am hoping for is that I can find friends in school because I don’t know where I stand with my old friends anymore. Not counting Christmas cards, I have heard from four friends via mail. I get regular emails only from one person. The only person (beyond my loving family) that calls me is my ex. Not that I blame them, I am not much for talking these days. The more I think about going home, the more I think I want to leave PG again. I was going home for a man. And that was okay because I don’t mind being home most of the time. But, the longer I am away from home, the less I think it has for me. I will go home for a year, but then I think I will apply beyond UNBC for school. School is the only thing I feel sure about these days. Maybe that is God telling me. I just wish I heard Him clearly and knew what he wanted me to do. I am sure the life He created me for is better for the one I am making on my own.

Sorry, I am obviously a little down these days. I am trying to change who I am into who I want to be, who God wants me to be, but I don’t know what that is. I am trying to make the best of where I am, but am struggling with that as well.

Even if this didn’t sound like it, I do love you. All of you. Thank you for being in my life.

Anxiety

February 21, 2012

I have an odd sense of anxiety around me. It’s new to me. I have never been an anxious person. What is going on? I know something is wrong by the nightmares I have. Even in my rests, there is a tension. Today, I was having a nap. I knew I was napping. I couldn’t wake up. I was trying to wake up. I couldn’t open my eyes. Someone was after me. Things were going insane. I was powerless to everything. Things are wrong. But what?

This is going on three weeks. Life seems like it is going alright. My classes are going right. School is going alright. I have a plan for when I go home. Okay, I don’t really, but I can’t see that being the problem. I have a semi-long term plan – but nothing for the short term. I don’t know what I am going to do for a job; I don’t know how I will make my tuition money. Things are well here. I don’t understand. I am going crazy with it.

I know things are wrong. I don’t know what though. It can’t possibly be going home. I miss my people at home. I miss my friends. I admit that after not having heard from most of them for the last several months, I feel like they might not be there when I get back. Will the people I have started talking to from home be there? Will the people who have been judging me on this get over it? Will anything be what I want it to be? I know that although my people’s lives have been moved, in ways that didn’t include me. However, I have changed. Or have I? I feel like I am probably different. I am working on me. I am trying hard to find me. There are times I wonder what I am doing, but this is nothing really new to me. And coming home shouldn’t be different either. It’s not the first time I have done this. It might be the longest time I was away, but it is not the first time. Can it really be that I am just worried about going home? It is very pre-mature for me to worry about that. But last night, when I couldn’t sleep, the only thing I could think of was what I would do for work when I got home. If I can’t go back to CNC for whatever reason, what is there for me? Wal-Mart? Superstore? Tim Horton’s? Burger Flipping? What do I do? I can’t afford school on minimum wage. I don’t want a student loan. And yet, as I write this, and examine a little into the invisible fears I dream, I start to cry. It seems stupid. But, maybe this is the reason I can’t sleep. The reason I have nightmares even if I just lay down. The reason when things are going right, I want to make them wrong.

This is ridiculous. I have spoken more than once about how I just want to go home and start the new chapter of my life. I want to get into school and start this. But, even that is not for another full year. I am not ready for it this year – I need a course. I want to take other courses that I think will benefit me in that. I am probably going to need a student loan. It’s really not that bad if I do. It’s only a maximum of three years of school. I will try to work at least a little in that time.

I can do this. I can do all of it. So why am I going crazy, a full five months early? Is there something else? That’s all I have come up. It doesn’t explain the nightmares, but at least I have identified one source of anxiety.

Man oh man, I am losing my mind.