Anxiety

February 21, 2012

I have an odd sense of anxiety around me. It’s new to me. I have never been an anxious person. What is going on? I know something is wrong by the nightmares I have. Even in my rests, there is a tension. Today, I was having a nap. I knew I was napping. I couldn’t wake up. I was trying to wake up. I couldn’t open my eyes. Someone was after me. Things were going insane. I was powerless to everything. Things are wrong. But what?

This is going on three weeks. Life seems like it is going alright. My classes are going right. School is going alright. I have a plan for when I go home. Okay, I don’t really, but I can’t see that being the problem. I have a semi-long term plan – but nothing for the short term. I don’t know what I am going to do for a job; I don’t know how I will make my tuition money. Things are well here. I don’t understand. I am going crazy with it.

I know things are wrong. I don’t know what though. It can’t possibly be going home. I miss my people at home. I miss my friends. I admit that after not having heard from most of them for the last several months, I feel like they might not be there when I get back. Will the people I have started talking to from home be there? Will the people who have been judging me on this get over it? Will anything be what I want it to be? I know that although my people’s lives have been moved, in ways that didn’t include me. However, I have changed. Or have I? I feel like I am probably different. I am working on me. I am trying hard to find me. There are times I wonder what I am doing, but this is nothing really new to me. And coming home shouldn’t be different either. It’s not the first time I have done this. It might be the longest time I was away, but it is not the first time. Can it really be that I am just worried about going home? It is very pre-mature for me to worry about that. But last night, when I couldn’t sleep, the only thing I could think of was what I would do for work when I got home. If I can’t go back to CNC for whatever reason, what is there for me? Wal-Mart? Superstore? Tim Horton’s? Burger Flipping? What do I do? I can’t afford school on minimum wage. I don’t want a student loan. And yet, as I write this, and examine a little into the invisible fears I dream, I start to cry. It seems stupid. But, maybe this is the reason I can’t sleep. The reason I have nightmares even if I just lay down. The reason when things are going right, I want to make them wrong.

This is ridiculous. I have spoken more than once about how I just want to go home and start the new chapter of my life. I want to get into school and start this. But, even that is not for another full year. I am not ready for it this year – I need a course. I want to take other courses that I think will benefit me in that. I am probably going to need a student loan. It’s really not that bad if I do. It’s only a maximum of three years of school. I will try to work at least a little in that time.

I can do this. I can do all of it. So why am I going crazy, a full five months early? Is there something else? That’s all I have come up. It doesn’t explain the nightmares, but at least I have identified one source of anxiety.

Man oh man, I am losing my mind.