Pain. Justification. Forgiveness. Opportunity to hurt again and again.
This does not sound like a healthy sequence of events. It is the cycle I use again and again. And again and again, I hurt, often by the same people, doing the same thing. Why do I justify your actions, your thoughts? My counselor and I decided it was a strategy to ease the pain, but when I pointed out that the same thing could happen again and again, and I would justify it away, we decided that there must be more to my strategy than to soften the blows. However, I think it is a fault, which I need to work on and make it go away. It might be a short term solution but it causes more problems down the road. I asked, knowing that she couldn't answer me. I asked, “how does one stop habits and responses which are so imbedded we don't even realize they are there?” She said that I was, of course, right. She couldn't answer that. Each person needs to work through that on their own. The first step is knowing that they are there.
I have two thoughts here. The first being that I do not like to show emotion. Perhaps you laughed at that – I do share a lot, but I don't often share the emotions within. I don't think I know how to show happy emotions – I guess they are basic, everyday emotions for normal people. Obviously I do smile, and laugh. The thing is, I do that when tears are in my eyes as well. Heaven forbid if someone would see those tears and care! I am so used to “no one caring” that I am not sure how it would be if someone said their did care. I learned when I was in my early teens how to hide the true feelings, and they have never surfaced again. When talking to my counselor about emotions, I told her that I didn't like to express negative emotions because I thought they were socially unacceptable. Besides, who wants to hear about my woe is me story? So, I don't know how to express happiness without it seeming like a mask. I don't know how to express negative emotions because I am afraid that no one wants to hear, or that I will be looked down on. I hope you can see the problems for emotional expression within these thoughts.
My second problem is that I “care too much about others.” Although this trait has the possibility of doing amazing things, it also does some very detrimental things to me as well. Your problems are my problems. I hate the emotion anger – I don't like to express it, I don't like to see it. When anger is shown, I shrink. I apologize. I find ways to help. And, I very quickly seek forgiveness. When the anger is my own, I talk myself out of it. I never say a word to you. And then, I justify your actions which made me so angry. I do not justify my own thoughts. I make the emotion dissipate before I will talk to you again, but, no matter how much if hurts, I let my own emotions go with no value or second thoughts. When you are angry at me, I feel like a failure. Sometimes, I feel this way when you are just mad in general. I go out of my way to make it better, but I never tell you how I feel about it. You never know how much I hated myself because you were not perfect. It doesn't matter what you do or say. I will justify your behavior, and I will feel down myself as a result.
Did you know that every time you say “oh I can't make it today” I think it is because I have done something to annoy you, or that I think that you do not wish to see me at all? And since that is a painful thought, I find all the “real” reasons that you can't come, or all the reasons you would say such a painful thing, whatever it was. I don't think I am special. I don't think I would want to hang out with me, if I was someone else. Although I thank God everyday for having special people in my life, I do not feel like I deserve them. I already know the reasons why you wouldn't want to be my friend, so it's easy to justify when you walk away.
Now that you have read into me a little, do you still want to be my friend?
I know my 'condition' fairly well. I have techniques I can fight it down with. I am working on changing my thoughts to positive thoughts instead of the negative that are the first to jump to life. I try to suppress the negative thoughts, but I realize I do it through justification. Does that help us here? I know that the negative thoughts are merely a pattern, and I know it can be changed. However, I obviously chose the wrong strategy. Perhaps I only choose a strategy which was already familiar to me. I can see it is not working. So it's time for a new strategy. An obvious one from this post, is to express emotion. With this, I am terrified that I will become some public emotional rollarcoaster, on display for the world to see. I am terrified that you will see me for how I really am, and that you won't like me anymore. And after at least 12 years of hiding the emotion ravaging my body, I am just afraid to express it. I honestly don't feel I know how to.
Maybe, I should just start slowly. Maybe if I express the feelings in my blog, then if they involve someone, hopefully they will not be too hurt, and we can talk it through. I do well with writing skills (even if I have no grammar!!). Writing is a safe place for me. But, I still do not want to offend anybody but speaking my emotions. That is yet another fear for me. I don't want people to hurt the way I hurt inside. But, if I write of general situations and my emotions, that would also be a big start. Why are emotions such taboo in this society?
The justification needs to stop, or at least be lessened. I can see several examples in the last nine months since I came home from Ghana. Sometimes, when I do express emotion, I have other people throw their justifications right back at me, and again, I blame myself. Don't worry, I know I am too sensitive as well! I am full of faults. Most of them I am very aware of!
On a slightly different side of this problem, I learned a lot of techniques in my recent Train The Tutor program that I think I can apply to my life. The techniques were for teaching an adult learner to read and write, or other literacy skills, but some of them, I think you can apply to anything. As a tutor of adult learners, you have to remember that people come with baggage as adults, and that whatever issues they have in life, affect their learning. We did activities from their point of view where we had to learn to read something that looked like gobbley goop! My mental health is an adult learner, coming to learn new ideas and ways to learn. I am the tutor. I need to work with the existing problems while prodding in the right direction. I know that isn't sounding amazing, but yesterday in my mind, it was crystal clear. I could see the ways that the techniques applied to every aspect of life. I think the biggest thing was that we are both learner and tutor at various times.
I know this, like my depression and abandonment issues, is something I have to work on alone, but I think you should be aware of what is coming. Maybe not while I am in Ghana; you never know what Ghana will do to you! But, if last time was anything to note, it will turn my happy emotions back into my head with vigor! However, I know that nothing inside my mental health actually changes in Ghana – I just feel happier and have a place to show it. I do not make any of the changes that are needed inside my thought patterns, and this is what needs to happen. But boy do I love the emotional vacation I find in Ghana, with my heart full of love for 30 of the world's best children! I have one more counseling session before I leave the country. Every time, we dig way inside of me, and I come out aware, and hurting. I know it is a good hurt, the kind that opens doors to a healthier future, but it also seems to make me aware of how much I have failed myself.
I love you. Thank you.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
CELTA tears
I don't know if I can do this. I am not sure this is right for me. I was so confident, and so ready, and now, I am not so sure. And I am freaking out a little, because I don't know if I can do this, and it was my newest direction.
For starters, I would start teaching on January 11th, having started the program on January 10th. However, we only teach about 45 minutes a day, although we are in class for two and a half hours. We always have six people watching us and taking notes on us. The days are 9:15 am until probably 10 at night, although we leave the school at 6 pm. Every night we will have to plan a lesson plan for the next day, she says that will take 3-4 hours a night. For the weekends, we are given a written assignment to be handed in on Monday. All in all, we only get 6 hours of teaching, and we get to watch an experienced teacher for 6 hours as well.
If I want to help with literacy in Ghana, this program will not be enough. However, I do start the literacy program on Monday here in town. That's not a huge concern, I don't know where I am going really.
Next and major problem is that apparently I have no grammar skills. I thought they were fairly high, but apparently, I suck. Did you know that any sentence that starts with I wish and has a present tense in it i.e. “I wish I didn't go” makes it present tense? How many times have you said something like that about an event in the past? I know I say it all the time. Did you know that “I wish I never went” is slang? Your correct wording should be “I wish I hadn't gone.” I really struggled with this part of our conversation. “I wish I didn't go” made perfect sense to me. Did you know that the reason it is “I fell a lot” and not “I was falling a lot” (which I knew to be wrong) is because “was falling a lot” is called a past progressive, and means that it takes a longer amount of time than just to fall? Did you know that “skiing” could be both a noun and a verb? I didn't realize that by adding an “ing” to a sport or activity can make it a noun. Therefore, if I ask you “do you want to go skiing?” I am not asking if you want to do a verb, but a noun instead. I am still struggling with the logic in that along with the “I wish” scenario. I know that when I was told to put the stresses on a bunch of words, I had no idea where those belonged. In fact, if I remember way back to when I filled this application out, I knew I had don't poorly on it, because it was stuff I don't think I ever learned! Apparently, I am supposed to know all these things, and the fact that I don't makes me a bad grammar person.
The long and the short is that if I do not bring my grammar way up before January, I will fail the program. I also struggle with explaining why I use one word over another. She suggested some grammar workbooks, which I have to go through and teach myself grammar before the program starts. But, she did offer me a seat in the program. I have to let her know by Monday. She stressed that although my grammar sucked (okay, she said my grammar was poor), the course does go through other things as well, and although grammar is a big part, it is not everything. She was confident about the rest of it. However, I am no longer so sure. I have ten days before I leave, I can work on my grammar a lot in those ten days. But will I work on it enough in Ghana that it is worth it? Chapters sells the books for about $30. I could go today and hopefully pick it up. What if it is not in stock? Then I am screwed! Maybe if Chapters doesn't have it, Books and Company will – I know they have an ESL cafe night every Tuesday, and ESLers would need the book too, I am sure! Guess I have a mission for today. Head on out and buy some books, and sit down and start learning my grammar. The other option is that I turn down this seat, and think of a new future. Of course, as I realize that maybe I am not really cut out of this, I remember that I don't really want this on it's own. I want what comes at the end of this program, and my time spent overseas. I want to live a productive life, helping people, in a poor country where I am living happily. And I cannot do that unless I have 5 years overseas. I need CELTA to do that. I still want all of that. I still want to be out there, I still want to live amongst the world's poorest people, who are also, coincidentally, the world's happiest people. But, is CELTA right for me? Can I do this? I am not sure. There is a lot that scares the shit out of me about this course. I am that shy person that she suggests has trouble with the program, because they are up in front of people teaching on day 2. I don't even like public speaking! I get nervous, and my face goes bright red, and everyone knows that I am struggling with being there. How am I going to do this? How?
As I write this, I am trying to convince myself that I can do this. I am trying to tell myself that I can learn my grammar skills, and that I can teach on day two. I am trying to convince myself that it will be okay. But if I fail CELTA, I have lost at least $2500 and achieved nothing.
What do I do? What road should I take? How do I do this?
For starters, I would start teaching on January 11th, having started the program on January 10th. However, we only teach about 45 minutes a day, although we are in class for two and a half hours. We always have six people watching us and taking notes on us. The days are 9:15 am until probably 10 at night, although we leave the school at 6 pm. Every night we will have to plan a lesson plan for the next day, she says that will take 3-4 hours a night. For the weekends, we are given a written assignment to be handed in on Monday. All in all, we only get 6 hours of teaching, and we get to watch an experienced teacher for 6 hours as well.
If I want to help with literacy in Ghana, this program will not be enough. However, I do start the literacy program on Monday here in town. That's not a huge concern, I don't know where I am going really.
Next and major problem is that apparently I have no grammar skills. I thought they were fairly high, but apparently, I suck. Did you know that any sentence that starts with I wish and has a present tense in it i.e. “I wish I didn't go” makes it present tense? How many times have you said something like that about an event in the past? I know I say it all the time. Did you know that “I wish I never went” is slang? Your correct wording should be “I wish I hadn't gone.” I really struggled with this part of our conversation. “I wish I didn't go” made perfect sense to me. Did you know that the reason it is “I fell a lot” and not “I was falling a lot” (which I knew to be wrong) is because “was falling a lot” is called a past progressive, and means that it takes a longer amount of time than just to fall? Did you know that “skiing” could be both a noun and a verb? I didn't realize that by adding an “ing” to a sport or activity can make it a noun. Therefore, if I ask you “do you want to go skiing?” I am not asking if you want to do a verb, but a noun instead. I am still struggling with the logic in that along with the “I wish” scenario. I know that when I was told to put the stresses on a bunch of words, I had no idea where those belonged. In fact, if I remember way back to when I filled this application out, I knew I had don't poorly on it, because it was stuff I don't think I ever learned! Apparently, I am supposed to know all these things, and the fact that I don't makes me a bad grammar person.
The long and the short is that if I do not bring my grammar way up before January, I will fail the program. I also struggle with explaining why I use one word over another. She suggested some grammar workbooks, which I have to go through and teach myself grammar before the program starts. But, she did offer me a seat in the program. I have to let her know by Monday. She stressed that although my grammar sucked (okay, she said my grammar was poor), the course does go through other things as well, and although grammar is a big part, it is not everything. She was confident about the rest of it. However, I am no longer so sure. I have ten days before I leave, I can work on my grammar a lot in those ten days. But will I work on it enough in Ghana that it is worth it? Chapters sells the books for about $30. I could go today and hopefully pick it up. What if it is not in stock? Then I am screwed! Maybe if Chapters doesn't have it, Books and Company will – I know they have an ESL cafe night every Tuesday, and ESLers would need the book too, I am sure! Guess I have a mission for today. Head on out and buy some books, and sit down and start learning my grammar. The other option is that I turn down this seat, and think of a new future. Of course, as I realize that maybe I am not really cut out of this, I remember that I don't really want this on it's own. I want what comes at the end of this program, and my time spent overseas. I want to live a productive life, helping people, in a poor country where I am living happily. And I cannot do that unless I have 5 years overseas. I need CELTA to do that. I still want all of that. I still want to be out there, I still want to live amongst the world's poorest people, who are also, coincidentally, the world's happiest people. But, is CELTA right for me? Can I do this? I am not sure. There is a lot that scares the shit out of me about this course. I am that shy person that she suggests has trouble with the program, because they are up in front of people teaching on day 2. I don't even like public speaking! I get nervous, and my face goes bright red, and everyone knows that I am struggling with being there. How am I going to do this? How?
As I write this, I am trying to convince myself that I can do this. I am trying to tell myself that I can learn my grammar skills, and that I can teach on day two. I am trying to convince myself that it will be okay. But if I fail CELTA, I have lost at least $2500 and achieved nothing.
What do I do? What road should I take? How do I do this?
Monday, October 18, 2010
2010 Rocked my Socks!
I watched a church session on TV while visiting some friends yesterday, and the preacher said some things that made a lot of sense and have stuck with me. He talked about the 'winds of life: the tailwind, the crosswind and the headwind'. We were reminded that head winds held challenge for us, and although very trying, success against the headwind provided the most beneficial results. The crosswind blows us off course sometimes, but sometimes you find what you never knew you were missing while you are off that course. The tailwind, the man warned, was the most dangerous wind for people. Life is going great, everything is easy, we stop trying to work on ourselves or our lives, because suddenly, they do not look like they need help. However, all winds are only temporary, and when you stop paying attention during the tail wind, the other winds seem so much stronger and more like punishment. I know I have felt like this. I can't count the amount of times I have said “every time I stand back up, I am immediately knocked back down.” I still want to justify my thoughts, because I think that with Depression, I am still trying hard even when the headwind changes to a tailwind, but I also can see that because life is not quite as bad, I do stop trying as hard. Interesting. I had never thought about it like that until yesterday. Now that it is something I am aware of, I need to be more conscious about my actions. I am very aware that I am in charge of my responses and reactions to the events in my life, and for the last year, I have been trying to keep myself out of trouble by talking gently to myself, and reacting in a more positive way. You cannot control the winds, but you can control your actions when the wind direction changes.
I know I am two and a half months early, but I think that 2010 has been a great year, maybe even an amazing year. I see you scrolling through my blog right now, wondering how I got to this conclusion considering the amount of hurt entries you have read. At the same time, I see you smiling, because you are happy that I can feel that way despite of everything. I climbed a jagged, steep mountain for many months. It cut and bruised me. I stumbled. Sometimes, I had to climb the steep parts again. But, I have made it to the top, and I can see the world. I see another steep climb in the future, but, the valley before I get there only has minor ups and downs, compared with the mountain I climbed this year.
In 2010, I have found true friends. Many of these friends have been around for many years, I just never opened my eyes enough to notice that they were always there for me. Some of them I have known for years, but didn't realize that we had a friendship until this year. Some were lost to me, and we have been reconnected. And yes, I have made new friends this year! I end every day being thankful for my friends, my family, and anyone who loves me! I pray for each and everyone of you every night before I go to sleep. I know I still claim to have no friends, but I know that I have amazing ones when I admit it to myself. So today, thank you. You mean the world to me!
In 2010, I found a life path. When I can make myself think about it (which is not when I have a headwind). I am going to Ghana in 17 days (you will have to check my other blog for Ghana information! Hahahhahahha). I just emailed CELTA to make sure they are going to interview me soon. This week would work so much better for me than next week! Next week I am going to take a course here in PG. It is called Train the Tutor, and it teaches adults how to teach literacy skills to other adults. I am pretty excited for it. And then! It is practically time to get on my plane!
Yes, my life is definitely on a good route right now. And don't worry, I am still working on everything I need to work on, not just riding this tailwind! In many ways, I am incredibly thankful for Travis as well. He allowed many of the greatest people into my life, and even though he might not like it now, that's no longer my concern. I have an amazing nephew who makes my heart smile just to be near him. He makes me laugh so hard. He is a little disappointed right now, because I told him that I wouldn't see him until after Santa came, and he thinks I should see him before then. He wants me to be with him on Halloween at Grammy and Papa's house, but I just don't think I can swing that trip. He will forget, but still. Marlene and Derek are amazing too. I love hanging out with them, and chatting with them. I feel like I can tell them anything and everything. And I feel so at home when I am with them! His family (even his aunts and uncles) are sure to tell me that they still think about me, and that I am always welcome. It always makes me smile, because I fell in love with his entire family the first time I met them as well! I know Trav doesn't like it, but people make friends with whoever they want. It takes two people to make a friendship, so the fact that I still want that friendship and it is still happening doesn't make it my doing alone.
I am having nightmares again (still?). I don't remember them as clearly as I remember my slasher dreams that started last year in Ghana, and I don't run screaming until I find someone alive, but I do wake up a little concerned. This last week they have been more nightmare-ish though. I know I have woken up after each one and stayed awake for a little while before I go back to sleep. Someone suggested that if I actually read the information packets that come with my drugs I might realize that this is normal. But, I never do that! That's silly!
Much love!
don't forget that everything Ghana in found at jennamcallister.blogspot.com
I know I am two and a half months early, but I think that 2010 has been a great year, maybe even an amazing year. I see you scrolling through my blog right now, wondering how I got to this conclusion considering the amount of hurt entries you have read. At the same time, I see you smiling, because you are happy that I can feel that way despite of everything. I climbed a jagged, steep mountain for many months. It cut and bruised me. I stumbled. Sometimes, I had to climb the steep parts again. But, I have made it to the top, and I can see the world. I see another steep climb in the future, but, the valley before I get there only has minor ups and downs, compared with the mountain I climbed this year.
In 2010, I have found true friends. Many of these friends have been around for many years, I just never opened my eyes enough to notice that they were always there for me. Some of them I have known for years, but didn't realize that we had a friendship until this year. Some were lost to me, and we have been reconnected. And yes, I have made new friends this year! I end every day being thankful for my friends, my family, and anyone who loves me! I pray for each and everyone of you every night before I go to sleep. I know I still claim to have no friends, but I know that I have amazing ones when I admit it to myself. So today, thank you. You mean the world to me!
In 2010, I found a life path. When I can make myself think about it (which is not when I have a headwind). I am going to Ghana in 17 days (you will have to check my other blog for Ghana information! Hahahhahahha). I just emailed CELTA to make sure they are going to interview me soon. This week would work so much better for me than next week! Next week I am going to take a course here in PG. It is called Train the Tutor, and it teaches adults how to teach literacy skills to other adults. I am pretty excited for it. And then! It is practically time to get on my plane!
Yes, my life is definitely on a good route right now. And don't worry, I am still working on everything I need to work on, not just riding this tailwind! In many ways, I am incredibly thankful for Travis as well. He allowed many of the greatest people into my life, and even though he might not like it now, that's no longer my concern. I have an amazing nephew who makes my heart smile just to be near him. He makes me laugh so hard. He is a little disappointed right now, because I told him that I wouldn't see him until after Santa came, and he thinks I should see him before then. He wants me to be with him on Halloween at Grammy and Papa's house, but I just don't think I can swing that trip. He will forget, but still. Marlene and Derek are amazing too. I love hanging out with them, and chatting with them. I feel like I can tell them anything and everything. And I feel so at home when I am with them! His family (even his aunts and uncles) are sure to tell me that they still think about me, and that I am always welcome. It always makes me smile, because I fell in love with his entire family the first time I met them as well! I know Trav doesn't like it, but people make friends with whoever they want. It takes two people to make a friendship, so the fact that I still want that friendship and it is still happening doesn't make it my doing alone.
I am having nightmares again (still?). I don't remember them as clearly as I remember my slasher dreams that started last year in Ghana, and I don't run screaming until I find someone alive, but I do wake up a little concerned. This last week they have been more nightmare-ish though. I know I have woken up after each one and stayed awake for a little while before I go back to sleep. Someone suggested that if I actually read the information packets that come with my drugs I might realize that this is normal. But, I never do that! That's silly!
Much love!
don't forget that everything Ghana in found at jennamcallister.blogspot.com
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Ghana Fundraising Ideas?
As I walked to the tanning salon this afternoon, I had so many ideas about fund-raising for the orphanage. My biggest concern is that I wouldn't be able to pull it off. I think we might need a well, which is something that I know that people would be willing to help with. Everyone deserves safe drinking water! I know that I alone can not raise the ten grand that would be needed to dig a well (that's just a number I think we all associate with digging a well, so it's what I chose), but I could make a big dint right? Because I am pretty much the only one I know in this area (there is Bill in Vernon, I could maybe rope him into helping me - most of the main fundraisers are in the States or Europe). I think I am afraid of asking people for help. I am sure a lot of people would help me with this, but I guess the first problem is I don't know where to turn to! Or how to go about a 'big' thing! Please help me! Encourage me, give me ideas and ways about them! And then, please help me when I need help if I get an event on the go!
Thoughts so far:
bake sale – maybe at a craft fair next season (I won't be here for this season) or the farmers' market?
sell calendars of the children (I could make them at Walmart for 18 bucks a piece...) (for 2012?)
sell t-shirts or coffee mugs with the orphanage logo on them?
raffle a blanket or something with photos of the children (Walmart does these, but they are like $90 bucks!)
would I need a lotto license?
garage sale (what about my cancer fundraisers?)
If I had a store that would support my efforts, they could promote the items I am selling or raffling – could also have the scrapbooks there
Stores I think MIGHT help
Africa Cafe
Taste buds
Other small restaurants? It is hard to do corporate since I am essentially a nobody!
Where else?
have stuff 'mass' made at another non-Walmart location? Where? Anyone have any 'connections'?
Andrea has an E-bay account set up – I could do similar where we sell the things? Is that worth it?
Part of Black History month?
A booth at CNC's Gala dinner?
YIKES! Multiple presentations around town?
I could probably convince Foothills Elementary (since I am there every week) to help collect pennies or something from the students if I did a presentation for them about the kids and the lack of safe drinking water – is that cheating? Getting the children involved?
Do an evening fundraiser – maybe can get a band to help out for entertainment? But what else would we do?
Is there something I am good at making that I could sell? I knit but not very fast! I can't currently think of anything else!
So, as you can see, I have lots of half thought out ideas, but I am not sure how much I can pull off!!! HELP ME! Please?
a Not so Lame Update!
Hello my friends! How are you today? I am pretty good today, although a late night mixed with an 'early' morning has made me sleepy and headachey, so I might take a nap soon, but, I thought I would update you on my life again. And since you thought my last update was so incredibly lame, I thought I would try to do better! :P
I had an incredible birthday yesterday!! My day started with being woken up by text message birthday wishes, but without meaning to, I turned my phone off and went back to sleep. I find that really easy to do on this phone – it is ridiculous how often I find my phone off! At 11 I headed to the school to see Mr. Nickolas, in the start of our 4th year together. We were baking back to school cookies, and of course, I brought some games to play in between. He pretty much did all the 'work' this time. I turned the oven on, but he was in charge of putting the cookies in when the light went off and taking them out when I declared that time was up. He read the instructions and everything. He is getting so big! Sometimes I forget that he is in Grade 5. He asked me how long I would be his friend for. I tried to explain that technically the program we are in ends when he finishes grade 7. He looked so sad! I told him that I was pretty sure (and I am pretty sure, I wasn't just making stuff up!) that I thought that as long as we were both still in town (I said that in every thing), there is an option to carry onto to the traditional program when he outgrows the in school program. The difference would be that it would be in the community not at the school. I know there was talk of this program, But I think I also heard that it hadn't been a huge success. At any rate, I don't really plan to be here by then, I just didn't have the heart to tell him that yesterday, especially when I don't know for sure what I am doing. He also looked so sad when I told him that I was going back to Africa. I promised it would be for less time than last year (it is), and then I promised him a cool present from Africa. He smiled at that, but still. How special is this relationship? Obviously, I mean a lot to him. It is a common theme in my life that I love and thrive off of being someone special to those I care about. I thrive off of helping people. I told my counselor yesterday that I think I like hanging out with children more than adults because you know the relationship is special, and you know that you are having an effect on their lives. With adults, you know they care, but we often don't tell people how much we need or love them. The words “I love you” are almost so common in this society. I say them all the time, but I mean them – I love everyone, and every time I say it, it is because they have done something to make me feel the need to remind them how much I care about them!
Anyways, I got totally sidetracked in that! Nickolas and I baked cookies, and he made me laugh so hard. We are at a stage where we can “tease” each other a little. We burnt one batch of cookies, and blame each other! He said it was my fault because I didn't let him take them out when they were still gooey! Brat! Hehehehe. He is such a cute kid. We only have 4 more meetings this year – he wants to bake for them all. I said no, but that we would definitely bake again. He wants to make jello. I said I would look into how to make jello shapes out of the cookie cutters I bought last year to make Africa cookies. But, even if we just make a pan of jello, that would be fun for him. Then he can share it with his class still, because I do not want jello! I think I will find us a craft again – maybe something do to with Africa again too, I am not sure yet. Next week I think we are just going to find something to do – outside, on the computer, or out of the activity box.
I think this year when I travel, I will do the “email pen pal” idea instead of the mailed version. Then I can send him real updates of my life in Africa. I enjoy that I can stay in touch with him so easily while I am away, even if he never writes back. I am trying to decide if I want to send Nathaniel a post card or something, so he knows I haven't forgotten about him too. I have a Christmas present for both (a bar of soap (homemade) with a grow-a-spiderman inside. Both boys love Spiderman!) which I think I will probably give to them in January when I see them. I am hoping to see Nickolas for the one week before school starts.
Have I told you about school lately? They misread my application and thought that I lived in Vancouver and wanted me to come in for an interview last week. Then they called me and told me that I didn't live in Vancouver like they thought. They are supposed to call me before I leave – I was sure to give them the date I am leaving the country – to do an over the phone interview. If I haven't heard from them by the end of next week, I will give them a shout. When I was talking to the lady it didn't really sound like it would be a problem to get into the program – I am not sure what the interview is about though. The one that was held in Vancouver last week was a group interview. She also commented on how early I had applied for January, which was when I told her I was leaving the country in November so, it wasn't really early for my situation.
I am avoiding calling the church, and I am not sure why. I have thought about it, I have looked up their phone number, but I have not made the call. Right now, I don't feel like doing it I guess. I know I have to, I am just dragging my heals. I will try today. I also need to call the lady again – but it would be nice to do coffee with her after church or something! Make it a one day affair!
Wow, I am so easily sidetracked! I was going to tell you about my birthday and how amazing it felt! So, after I saw Nickolas, I headed off to the swimming pool. I only had an hour for my swim, and I barely did my 2 kms in that hour. I was a little disappointed in myself, but still felt good. After about 45 minutes, I decided I wanted to swim 2.6 kms in honour of my 26th birthday, however, that was another kilometer that was needed, and I certainly didn't have time for that! Immediately after swimming, I went down to my counseling appointment. We had a good session, it is a little odd to hear someone 'tell' you all about you, but I am getting used to it. She is pretty much just reiterating my words (but it sounds better when she says it!) and then asking why I feel the way I do about whatever situation. It is good to hear it, and almost have it justified. Not justified in a bad, self-preserving way, but in a now that you know the 'problem' you can work on changing it kind of justified. I am sorry that I only have such a short time with this counselor, I think her and I could get far, but she is only at the clinic until December. However, we still have four more weeks to cover my issues.
After counseling, I headed home to start dinner. Joel came down for dinner – he said he hadn't eaten a real meal since the last time we fed him! Him, mom and I had a great dinner, and then we all had to leave: Mom off to the gym, Joel off to do homework, and me off to the rest of my adventures! Randy, Sam and I headed down to Third where the Concerns of Royalty were playing – it is
a band made up mostly of guys I have known since grade 8, and since they were playing on my birthday, I wanted to go see them for the first time. I had no idea what we were in for for the night, but it was a good time! I thought I had been told that Third was a bar, but it is really just a space in which local bands and other small bands from out of town play at. I was surprised to see how small it was, and a little annoyed that there were no chairs at all! The Concerns of Royalty “sound like angels but look like lawn gnomes!” (to quote another band from the evening) and I enjoyed their sound. The next band had a bigger crowd and is called the Magnificent Sevens from Manitoba. They played a completely different sound, complete with fiddles and banjos. Most of the people there had already seen this band, and they were doing a “hoe down” all over the room. I was pretty sure we were going to look as though we had been in a heavy metal mosh pit by the end the way that elbows were flying! I kept backing up as far as I could go, but I am sure the elbows kept getting closer! Almost 3/4s of the crowd were getting their rowdy dancing on! Sam and I went for a smoke on the last song, because we were pretty sure we were going to get injured, and didn't want that risk! The final performer was BA Johnson from Edmonton. He is a bit of a comedian, and he was playing his own songs. Things like “there is a deep fryer in my bedroom” and other bizarre things like that. He spent a lot of time wandering through the crowd (which had grown yet again!), untying people's shoelaces, laying on the floor, rolling onto the couch and kicking those sitting on it off.... At one point he was laying on the floor by us (we were of course at the back) and he kept sliding closer to us (with our backs to the wall). I am convinced that he was trying to look up my skirt. The first time he did this might have been a fluke, but I am pretty sure by the third time he was in our area, he was trying. It was a little uncomfortable for me, but I stayed far enough away, and I think Sam might have stepped ahead of me if he got too close. Although none of us were really expecting the show to be as it was, I know we all still had a good time!
GHANA. Because I know you are waiting to hear.
I am waiting for my Visa and passport to come back, but I am sure it will be all good. I applied to go see my Sponsor Child in Ghana – they ask for three months notice, and I am really only giving them one, but 2 before I want to see the child. I sent the application in on Friday, and I did the criminal record search they wanted on Monday. That is all they need for me to go, and to pay for the costs of it of course. I hope I get to go! I want to meet Shamsudeen! But, if I don't get to this time, I hope to at some point later. I want to be his sponsor for a long time – it is only $450 a year to help him and his community get on their feet. So, if not this time, maybe next time I am in Ghana. I want to bring him a school back pack that I have being donated to me, as I don't think it will be too much to see from the point of the other children in the community. He lives up near Tamale as the top of Ghana, and Andrea has to go up there to drop off a soccer kit that was donated, so I am hoping we can travel together. The information from World Vision says that it is 850 kms from Accra!!
I have bought so many underpants! I am not buying anymore! I think that between Erin and I, $150 bucks has been spent mostly on underpants! They vary in sizes, and might still be too big for the little guys, but Canada just doesn't think that bums that little need underpants I guess! I am going to buy some more band-aids and some medical tape and things like that. But mostly, I think I am done shopping for now for them. It looks like I will have a lot of room to take back packs, and I still need to talk to Kelly about it. I am hoping to fit 15-20 bags among my stuff. As most of the orphanage children have just been equipped with backpacks, I want to give them to those kids that have become friends with the volunteers, but still get very little. I am pretty sure that Benjamin and Mawmy receive very little from us, but they are loyal to us. I want to show that I do consider these children my friends as well. We will see, I won't tell Pastor what I have until I decide what I want to do with it all. I think I might set those kids up with some underpants as well. I feel like I am going a little more practically this year, and smaller. But I really do understand that I can buy anything we need in Ghana, and I understand now that the books I wanted to bring them last time were not as practical as I wanted them to be. I am thinking that if they don't have new bowls and stuff, I will buy those as well, but that is best to buy in Ghana. I am still looking for some craft ideas which don't require a lot of thought, as my thoughts on crafts are minimal. Today I bought some wooden shapes that I will buy some paint and brushes for and we can paint them. I love dollar stores for stuff like that! Maybe I will buy some pompoms and stuff like that, and we can glue and create! Crafts are fun! I feel as though I wasn't really involved with the kids last year unless we were playing, and I want to be a little more involved this time. I want to do craft time, maybe story time. I want to help teach them a little, although maybe not in school. But that would be great practice for my upcoming course!
I think that is all I have to say today! Now I just need to convince myself to be active today – maybe I will just walk to the tanning salon and get my tan! That is still a good walk! I get cholera tomorrow and was tested for TB today. That's all I need medically!! I am so ready to go! Now, I just need to kill time until then! And the girls want to throw me “something special” before I go, I am supposed to come up with ideas for it.
Have I told you lately that I love you? Well, I sure do!
I had an incredible birthday yesterday!! My day started with being woken up by text message birthday wishes, but without meaning to, I turned my phone off and went back to sleep. I find that really easy to do on this phone – it is ridiculous how often I find my phone off! At 11 I headed to the school to see Mr. Nickolas, in the start of our 4th year together. We were baking back to school cookies, and of course, I brought some games to play in between. He pretty much did all the 'work' this time. I turned the oven on, but he was in charge of putting the cookies in when the light went off and taking them out when I declared that time was up. He read the instructions and everything. He is getting so big! Sometimes I forget that he is in Grade 5. He asked me how long I would be his friend for. I tried to explain that technically the program we are in ends when he finishes grade 7. He looked so sad! I told him that I was pretty sure (and I am pretty sure, I wasn't just making stuff up!) that I thought that as long as we were both still in town (I said that in every thing), there is an option to carry onto to the traditional program when he outgrows the in school program. The difference would be that it would be in the community not at the school. I know there was talk of this program, But I think I also heard that it hadn't been a huge success. At any rate, I don't really plan to be here by then, I just didn't have the heart to tell him that yesterday, especially when I don't know for sure what I am doing. He also looked so sad when I told him that I was going back to Africa. I promised it would be for less time than last year (it is), and then I promised him a cool present from Africa. He smiled at that, but still. How special is this relationship? Obviously, I mean a lot to him. It is a common theme in my life that I love and thrive off of being someone special to those I care about. I thrive off of helping people. I told my counselor yesterday that I think I like hanging out with children more than adults because you know the relationship is special, and you know that you are having an effect on their lives. With adults, you know they care, but we often don't tell people how much we need or love them. The words “I love you” are almost so common in this society. I say them all the time, but I mean them – I love everyone, and every time I say it, it is because they have done something to make me feel the need to remind them how much I care about them!
Anyways, I got totally sidetracked in that! Nickolas and I baked cookies, and he made me laugh so hard. We are at a stage where we can “tease” each other a little. We burnt one batch of cookies, and blame each other! He said it was my fault because I didn't let him take them out when they were still gooey! Brat! Hehehehe. He is such a cute kid. We only have 4 more meetings this year – he wants to bake for them all. I said no, but that we would definitely bake again. He wants to make jello. I said I would look into how to make jello shapes out of the cookie cutters I bought last year to make Africa cookies. But, even if we just make a pan of jello, that would be fun for him. Then he can share it with his class still, because I do not want jello! I think I will find us a craft again – maybe something do to with Africa again too, I am not sure yet. Next week I think we are just going to find something to do – outside, on the computer, or out of the activity box.
I think this year when I travel, I will do the “email pen pal” idea instead of the mailed version. Then I can send him real updates of my life in Africa. I enjoy that I can stay in touch with him so easily while I am away, even if he never writes back. I am trying to decide if I want to send Nathaniel a post card or something, so he knows I haven't forgotten about him too. I have a Christmas present for both (a bar of soap (homemade) with a grow-a-spiderman inside. Both boys love Spiderman!) which I think I will probably give to them in January when I see them. I am hoping to see Nickolas for the one week before school starts.
Have I told you about school lately? They misread my application and thought that I lived in Vancouver and wanted me to come in for an interview last week. Then they called me and told me that I didn't live in Vancouver like they thought. They are supposed to call me before I leave – I was sure to give them the date I am leaving the country – to do an over the phone interview. If I haven't heard from them by the end of next week, I will give them a shout. When I was talking to the lady it didn't really sound like it would be a problem to get into the program – I am not sure what the interview is about though. The one that was held in Vancouver last week was a group interview. She also commented on how early I had applied for January, which was when I told her I was leaving the country in November so, it wasn't really early for my situation.
I am avoiding calling the church, and I am not sure why. I have thought about it, I have looked up their phone number, but I have not made the call. Right now, I don't feel like doing it I guess. I know I have to, I am just dragging my heals. I will try today. I also need to call the lady again – but it would be nice to do coffee with her after church or something! Make it a one day affair!
Wow, I am so easily sidetracked! I was going to tell you about my birthday and how amazing it felt! So, after I saw Nickolas, I headed off to the swimming pool. I only had an hour for my swim, and I barely did my 2 kms in that hour. I was a little disappointed in myself, but still felt good. After about 45 minutes, I decided I wanted to swim 2.6 kms in honour of my 26th birthday, however, that was another kilometer that was needed, and I certainly didn't have time for that! Immediately after swimming, I went down to my counseling appointment. We had a good session, it is a little odd to hear someone 'tell' you all about you, but I am getting used to it. She is pretty much just reiterating my words (but it sounds better when she says it!) and then asking why I feel the way I do about whatever situation. It is good to hear it, and almost have it justified. Not justified in a bad, self-preserving way, but in a now that you know the 'problem' you can work on changing it kind of justified. I am sorry that I only have such a short time with this counselor, I think her and I could get far, but she is only at the clinic until December. However, we still have four more weeks to cover my issues.
After counseling, I headed home to start dinner. Joel came down for dinner – he said he hadn't eaten a real meal since the last time we fed him! Him, mom and I had a great dinner, and then we all had to leave: Mom off to the gym, Joel off to do homework, and me off to the rest of my adventures! Randy, Sam and I headed down to Third where the Concerns of Royalty were playing – it is
a band made up mostly of guys I have known since grade 8, and since they were playing on my birthday, I wanted to go see them for the first time. I had no idea what we were in for for the night, but it was a good time! I thought I had been told that Third was a bar, but it is really just a space in which local bands and other small bands from out of town play at. I was surprised to see how small it was, and a little annoyed that there were no chairs at all! The Concerns of Royalty “sound like angels but look like lawn gnomes!” (to quote another band from the evening) and I enjoyed their sound. The next band had a bigger crowd and is called the Magnificent Sevens from Manitoba. They played a completely different sound, complete with fiddles and banjos. Most of the people there had already seen this band, and they were doing a “hoe down” all over the room. I was pretty sure we were going to look as though we had been in a heavy metal mosh pit by the end the way that elbows were flying! I kept backing up as far as I could go, but I am sure the elbows kept getting closer! Almost 3/4s of the crowd were getting their rowdy dancing on! Sam and I went for a smoke on the last song, because we were pretty sure we were going to get injured, and didn't want that risk! The final performer was BA Johnson from Edmonton. He is a bit of a comedian, and he was playing his own songs. Things like “there is a deep fryer in my bedroom” and other bizarre things like that. He spent a lot of time wandering through the crowd (which had grown yet again!), untying people's shoelaces, laying on the floor, rolling onto the couch and kicking those sitting on it off.... At one point he was laying on the floor by us (we were of course at the back) and he kept sliding closer to us (with our backs to the wall). I am convinced that he was trying to look up my skirt. The first time he did this might have been a fluke, but I am pretty sure by the third time he was in our area, he was trying. It was a little uncomfortable for me, but I stayed far enough away, and I think Sam might have stepped ahead of me if he got too close. Although none of us were really expecting the show to be as it was, I know we all still had a good time!GHANA. Because I know you are waiting to hear.
I am waiting for my Visa and passport to come back, but I am sure it will be all good. I applied to go see my Sponsor Child in Ghana – they ask for three months notice, and I am really only giving them one, but 2 before I want to see the child. I sent the application in on Friday, and I did the criminal record search they wanted on Monday. That is all they need for me to go, and to pay for the costs of it of course. I hope I get to go! I want to meet Shamsudeen! But, if I don't get to this time, I hope to at some point later. I want to be his sponsor for a long time – it is only $450 a year to help him and his community get on their feet. So, if not this time, maybe next time I am in Ghana. I want to bring him a school back pack that I have being donated to me, as I don't think it will be too much to see from the point of the other children in the community. He lives up near Tamale as the top of Ghana, and Andrea has to go up there to drop off a soccer kit that was donated, so I am hoping we can travel together. The information from World Vision says that it is 850 kms from Accra!!
I have bought so many underpants! I am not buying anymore! I think that between Erin and I, $150 bucks has been spent mostly on underpants! They vary in sizes, and might still be too big for the little guys, but Canada just doesn't think that bums that little need underpants I guess! I am going to buy some more band-aids and some medical tape and things like that. But mostly, I think I am done shopping for now for them. It looks like I will have a lot of room to take back packs, and I still need to talk to Kelly about it. I am hoping to fit 15-20 bags among my stuff. As most of the orphanage children have just been equipped with backpacks, I want to give them to those kids that have become friends with the volunteers, but still get very little. I am pretty sure that Benjamin and Mawmy receive very little from us, but they are loyal to us. I want to show that I do consider these children my friends as well. We will see, I won't tell Pastor what I have until I decide what I want to do with it all. I think I might set those kids up with some underpants as well. I feel like I am going a little more practically this year, and smaller. But I really do understand that I can buy anything we need in Ghana, and I understand now that the books I wanted to bring them last time were not as practical as I wanted them to be. I am thinking that if they don't have new bowls and stuff, I will buy those as well, but that is best to buy in Ghana. I am still looking for some craft ideas which don't require a lot of thought, as my thoughts on crafts are minimal. Today I bought some wooden shapes that I will buy some paint and brushes for and we can paint them. I love dollar stores for stuff like that! Maybe I will buy some pompoms and stuff like that, and we can glue and create! Crafts are fun! I feel as though I wasn't really involved with the kids last year unless we were playing, and I want to be a little more involved this time. I want to do craft time, maybe story time. I want to help teach them a little, although maybe not in school. But that would be great practice for my upcoming course!
I think that is all I have to say today! Now I just need to convince myself to be active today – maybe I will just walk to the tanning salon and get my tan! That is still a good walk! I get cholera tomorrow and was tested for TB today. That's all I need medically!! I am so ready to go! Now, I just need to kill time until then! And the girls want to throw me “something special” before I go, I am supposed to come up with ideas for it.
Have I told you lately that I love you? Well, I sure do!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes?
It's funny how so much can change, while everything stays the same.
A year ago, I sat on my boyfriend's bed as he tied an anklet he made me around my ankle. He told that that where ever I went, I would know that he was with me. He told me never to feel alone in Africa, because I had his love for me with me. I can't count the number of times I subconsciously found myself fondling that piece of braided string in the last year. There were nights where I woke up only to touch it and know. I cut that anklet off the other day. I still find myself going to touch it, and feeling sad when it is not there.
Eleven and a half months ago, that same boyfriend slipped a ring onto my finger as tears slid down my cheeks, and promised to love me forever. My dreams had come true. The ring symbolized forever, it symbolized our love. I never imagined that it was a ring of lies. I still find myself playing with the empty finger, spinning the ring around and remembering the times when I first wore it. Sometimes, I look at the ring I wear on my other hand, and feel sad that it is not what I thought it was. Don't get me wrong, I took off the ring that changed my life when I came home from Ghana. I now stare at my graduation ring, and wish that it held more meaning to me. Graduation was not a milestone to me, it was merely finishing something I started once and no longer cared about. The other ring I wore was so much more than that.
I remember the day that my necklace broke while I was in Ghana. I cried when I held it in my hands. It was a month before I was coming home, and not long after I had been broken up with over the phone. For some reason, I told myself that until the anklet broke, there was still hope. I know this is foolish, but that was always the rule of Friendship Bracelets – it breaks and your friendship could as well. Maybe that is why I hung onto that anklet for so long. I wanted at least the friendship to continue.
Was that foolish? I don't know. I still want the friendship to continue, but I think it is over. I know, you all think I should have done it long ago, but I still miss my best friend. I know that best friend lied to me, but he also understood me.
I suddenly am finding it all so much harder to deal with. I am finding it harder to let go, the way I thought I already had. I miss him. And a year ago, everything changed. It only lasted for a couple of months, but everything I knew changed in the last year. I know most of it is for the best, but tonight, it feels lonely and not best at all. I am finding the memories of a year ago hard to repress. I am finding it hard to live the new life and not the old. I want the same things in so many ways. I want to go to that big thanksgiving dinner again, feeling like part of a family which is new to me. I want to share my thoughts and feelings with someone who will care. I want to feel the sense of love I felt a year ago this time.
In some ways, I think it is worse because it was a year ago. In some ways, it is because everything about my upcoming trip is the same, everything except that this time, Travis isn't there, encouraging me, helping me, loving me. This time, Travis isn't sharing any of it with me. Last year, I called my best friend every other day for the three months I was gone. This year, I know I cannot do that. I have no one to replace that with. I have so many people to share it with, but not with the one I am so used to sharing everything with. And that breaks my heart almost as much as losing him in the first place. Trav, if you are reading this, don't take it the wrong way. I want you to be happy, and obviously we cannot do that together, especially now that I am devoting my life to somewhere other than here. I just miss my best friend. For the rest of you, have no fear. As much as I miss him, I cannot put myself in a situation where he gets to hurt me as much again.
I don't know. Maybe I am just a hormonal mess today. My missing of Travis comes really hard every now and then, and I cry and feel sorry for myself. Today is obviously one of those days. I admit, I am a little scared of Ghana without that connection every time I wanted it. I am a little scared that I am making Ghana into some amazing thing, and that it will somehow let me down. And since it is impossible for a country to let me down, I guess I am afraid that I will let me down. As though maybe I made up dreams because it was easier than dealing with the loss of coming home, that I built Ghana up so that it was okay that I was coming home to nothing. I am sure these are just negative thoughts, but I feel as though I have so much resting on being in Ghana that maybe I haven't dealt with anything inside of Jenna which is causing problems. I am pretty sure that missing Trav as much as I do tonight means that I have yet to really deal with the loss of eight months ago. Is that natural? Am I somehow holding onto everything that is gone? The few times I thought about dating, the hurt has come up so strongly that I quickly put the idea aside, not that I have found anyone recently who I would bother dating. I don't know. Tonight I am just really confused and lonely. I don't know if I am going the right direction at all.
I think I have cried out my tears, so I am going to go try to sleep it off. These nights normally hit when I find myself ridiculously tired, and therefore emotional and psychotic. I am pretty sure I am not psychotic though, I just miss a man who really found every way without hitting me to hurt me. And in many ways, I still love him. I still pray for his happiness. I still pray we can be friends. And if life goes my way, I am having coffee with him before I leave the country again. It might hurt, I might cry, but I think it needs to be done.
A year ago, I sat on my boyfriend's bed as he tied an anklet he made me around my ankle. He told that that where ever I went, I would know that he was with me. He told me never to feel alone in Africa, because I had his love for me with me. I can't count the number of times I subconsciously found myself fondling that piece of braided string in the last year. There were nights where I woke up only to touch it and know. I cut that anklet off the other day. I still find myself going to touch it, and feeling sad when it is not there.
Eleven and a half months ago, that same boyfriend slipped a ring onto my finger as tears slid down my cheeks, and promised to love me forever. My dreams had come true. The ring symbolized forever, it symbolized our love. I never imagined that it was a ring of lies. I still find myself playing with the empty finger, spinning the ring around and remembering the times when I first wore it. Sometimes, I look at the ring I wear on my other hand, and feel sad that it is not what I thought it was. Don't get me wrong, I took off the ring that changed my life when I came home from Ghana. I now stare at my graduation ring, and wish that it held more meaning to me. Graduation was not a milestone to me, it was merely finishing something I started once and no longer cared about. The other ring I wore was so much more than that.
I remember the day that my necklace broke while I was in Ghana. I cried when I held it in my hands. It was a month before I was coming home, and not long after I had been broken up with over the phone. For some reason, I told myself that until the anklet broke, there was still hope. I know this is foolish, but that was always the rule of Friendship Bracelets – it breaks and your friendship could as well. Maybe that is why I hung onto that anklet for so long. I wanted at least the friendship to continue.
Was that foolish? I don't know. I still want the friendship to continue, but I think it is over. I know, you all think I should have done it long ago, but I still miss my best friend. I know that best friend lied to me, but he also understood me.
I suddenly am finding it all so much harder to deal with. I am finding it harder to let go, the way I thought I already had. I miss him. And a year ago, everything changed. It only lasted for a couple of months, but everything I knew changed in the last year. I know most of it is for the best, but tonight, it feels lonely and not best at all. I am finding the memories of a year ago hard to repress. I am finding it hard to live the new life and not the old. I want the same things in so many ways. I want to go to that big thanksgiving dinner again, feeling like part of a family which is new to me. I want to share my thoughts and feelings with someone who will care. I want to feel the sense of love I felt a year ago this time.
In some ways, I think it is worse because it was a year ago. In some ways, it is because everything about my upcoming trip is the same, everything except that this time, Travis isn't there, encouraging me, helping me, loving me. This time, Travis isn't sharing any of it with me. Last year, I called my best friend every other day for the three months I was gone. This year, I know I cannot do that. I have no one to replace that with. I have so many people to share it with, but not with the one I am so used to sharing everything with. And that breaks my heart almost as much as losing him in the first place. Trav, if you are reading this, don't take it the wrong way. I want you to be happy, and obviously we cannot do that together, especially now that I am devoting my life to somewhere other than here. I just miss my best friend. For the rest of you, have no fear. As much as I miss him, I cannot put myself in a situation where he gets to hurt me as much again.
I don't know. Maybe I am just a hormonal mess today. My missing of Travis comes really hard every now and then, and I cry and feel sorry for myself. Today is obviously one of those days. I admit, I am a little scared of Ghana without that connection every time I wanted it. I am a little scared that I am making Ghana into some amazing thing, and that it will somehow let me down. And since it is impossible for a country to let me down, I guess I am afraid that I will let me down. As though maybe I made up dreams because it was easier than dealing with the loss of coming home, that I built Ghana up so that it was okay that I was coming home to nothing. I am sure these are just negative thoughts, but I feel as though I have so much resting on being in Ghana that maybe I haven't dealt with anything inside of Jenna which is causing problems. I am pretty sure that missing Trav as much as I do tonight means that I have yet to really deal with the loss of eight months ago. Is that natural? Am I somehow holding onto everything that is gone? The few times I thought about dating, the hurt has come up so strongly that I quickly put the idea aside, not that I have found anyone recently who I would bother dating. I don't know. Tonight I am just really confused and lonely. I don't know if I am going the right direction at all.
I think I have cried out my tears, so I am going to go try to sleep it off. These nights normally hit when I find myself ridiculously tired, and therefore emotional and psychotic. I am pretty sure I am not psychotic though, I just miss a man who really found every way without hitting me to hurt me. And in many ways, I still love him. I still pray for his happiness. I still pray we can be friends. And if life goes my way, I am having coffee with him before I leave the country again. It might hurt, I might cry, but I think it needs to be done.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Lame Update
32 days, and I am on my way back home, to Ghana. My visa went in the mail today (because I have an awesome Mommy), I got my Malerone prescription yesterday at the doctors. I get my TB test and a Cholera done next week. I am so ready to go! I am still buying some things for the orphanage, and obviously, I haven't started packing yet, but there shouldn't be any panic in going this time. And I know that I can pretty much buy them anything else in Ghana as well. I am so excited to be going back. Even my doctor said that my face lit up when I said I had booked my plane tickets. Did I tell you that I booked my tickets? I am leaving PG on November 3rd, spending the night at my amazing sister's house, then she is driving me to Seattle where I fly to Washington, and then straight on to Ghana! I arrive about 1 pm on November 5th, so as long as everything goes normally, I should be able to see the children late that afternoon. I can't wait to see them! I hope I get a homecoming like the one I got after Tanzania! God I love those kids! I think I will switch back to my other blog for the trip – I think I want it to be my travel blog. All that is on it right now is Ghana, so it may as well stay that way!
Not a lot has gone on recently though. I cut off my birthday present from Travis from last year this morning. It has been destroying part of my ankle – I think wearing socks made it rub, and it has been dry and flaking for months. So today, I cut it off. I didn't want to. I wanted to see how long it would last. It has held up really good! In some ways, it made me sad – it was like everything was finally over (ya ya, I know), but in some ways, I didn't feel anything. I still miss him. I still wish we could be friends. I know we probably can't, but I do wish! I am hoping to see him before I go away again though. I find hanging out with Nathaniel a little hard some days too (not going to change that though) because it feels like a part of our family is missing. I guess we can both miss out together!
I thought I had lots to tell you finally, but it appears I don't. Have a great weekend!
Not a lot has gone on recently though. I cut off my birthday present from Travis from last year this morning. It has been destroying part of my ankle – I think wearing socks made it rub, and it has been dry and flaking for months. So today, I cut it off. I didn't want to. I wanted to see how long it would last. It has held up really good! In some ways, it made me sad – it was like everything was finally over (ya ya, I know), but in some ways, I didn't feel anything. I still miss him. I still wish we could be friends. I know we probably can't, but I do wish! I am hoping to see him before I go away again though. I find hanging out with Nathaniel a little hard some days too (not going to change that though) because it feels like a part of our family is missing. I guess we can both miss out together!
I thought I had lots to tell you finally, but it appears I don't. Have a great weekend!
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