There was a time
When I knew you were bad news
I told myself I was done with you
I was pretty convinced I was
You came back into my life
You came in with lies
Despite what I once knew
I was taken back in
What a fool I was
I believed in you
You had convinced me
That you understood me
Like know one had before
Was any of it true?
Were you ever the man I thought you were?
Were you ever true to me?
I don't know how you convinced me
When I knew for certain
That you were bad news for me
And that I was out of the picture because of you
I compared you to the one person everyone hated
And I knew the comparison to be true
How did you convince me otherwise?
How did I let you mess me up like this?
A year ago, when I was done with you
I was on my way to fixing myself
I was almost happy with who I am
Now I am trying to clean myself up again
Now I am trying to get rid of you
Like I had to get rid of him
When I could see so clearly
I don't remember how you convinced me otherwise
When I could see so clearly
How did you blind me again to you?
Monday, June 28, 2010
A Day at the Farm
Yesterday was incredible. I got to the farm, and waited about two minutes before the family was back (there was a note). Nathaniel got out of the truck and screamed “JENNA! JENNA! WHERE ARE YOU!” Grammy told him I was inside and he ran to the house and threw his arms around my neck. What more can a girl ask for than the unconditional love of a child? It melts my heart (which is normally pretty melty anyways, but that is irrelevant!) Of course, Marlene and Derek also gave me big hugs. They really are my second family! I gave Nathaniel the robot that Justin had given to me for him while Grammy got lunch ready. Oh my goodness! What excitement he had! He was literally jumping up and down in anticipation! He is so cute! The robot got even better when it shot little foam discs out! He played with the Mighty Mike all day! I think that Grammy and Papa were happy to send it home as it doesn't have a volume button that we could find, and it REALLY noisy. Natasha, however, didn't look too thrilled when Mighty Mike walked through her doors last night! That's okay, that's what Aunty's are for right? Justin kind of stole my thunder with my lame birthday gifts (books, a toy, a candy and a t-shirt) but we all knew that Mike was better than those things! And, as far as Nathaniel is concerned, it is all from me anyways!
Marlene has taken to calling me Aunty Jenna which is good. It doesn't remind him so much that I used to be like a mother to him, and it reassures that I am not going anywhere. He never once mentioned Daddy to me; I hope that Daddy isn't getting as many questions either. Marlene thinks that because I keep coming around it is easier for him, because he knows that I am not gone, even if I am not with Daddy. I gather that Travis is unsure of how he feels about my continuing relationship with his family and his son, but he told me when we split up that he didn't dream of asking me to leave them, and if he knows me at all, he should know that I cannot do that.
Marlene, Derek and I spent a couple hours going through my Ghana scrapbooks. About half way through, Derek announced that he was finally understanding why I had such a hard time upon my return to Canada. I had lived a different life altogether in Ghana, with 30 children that I loved and loved me back. They see how I am with Nathaniel, and multiply it by 30! At the end, Marlene asked where the time had gone. Derek (I find him hilarious) pointed out that they went to Ghana today, that is not something you can do in 5 minutes! Marlene is going to go and take Leah she has decided. Derek was being like “Is that Kwashie again?” It was nice to see them recognizing the children by name after only one of the two albums! It was so nice to have Marlene and Derek to talk to for the day. We have a lot in common, and a lot of people in common. Most people I talk to about Travis only know Travis because I talked about him, or they met him through me. Although we didn't talk a lot about Travis and I, it was nice to have someone else who has been hurt by him as well. At least I know I am not the only one being fooled by him.
Today, I am just hanging out at home. However, because I have had such an incredible couple of days, I am determined to go back to liking me for who I am. It has been over a year since I liked me and was okay with me,and it is long past time to get there again. It is somewhat funny how a year ago I had to hit my bottom to get to this point, and this year, I had to find happiness in my life again before I could do anything to help myself. But, I am at that point, and I am determined to at least get it started. If I don't have work and the weather is crappy, what else should I do but work on myself? I am going to start with “You Can Heal Your Life” which saved me last year, and if need be, I will pull out the other books as well. I can do this, now is the time.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
A Good Week
GHANA KICKED AMERICA’S ASS! GO GHANA GO! NOW ONTO THE QUARTER FINALS AGAINST URUGUAY!!
Here I am, unemployed again. Hip Hip Hooray? It doesn’t make me happy. All I want to do is make enough money to travel again at the end of the year. I officially have the travel bug! Andrea talked this morning about me coming to see her new flat. Then she went off on a tangent of I can see it in December when we base our travels out of it. Although I have hung onto that desire that her and I could show off England to me, I had put it out of mind. My dear Andrea had said she wanted to travel and didn’t know where she would be by then. They I decided that I wanted to takes Megs with me, so that was alright as an alternative. But I don’t think Megs will be coming. So when Andrea mentioned this morning that she wanted to travel, I jumped on the opportunity to tell her that I longed to travel the world, but had no one to do it with. She was like, well me of course silly! (Sometimes, you just need to leave your comfort zone to find people who want the same things as you!). She said there are super cheap flights to Paris and Spain, Scotland and Ireland from Manchester where she lives. How sweet would that be? Although I obviously don’t want to blow all my cash on seeing the world, I would love to drop enough to see it! I remain hopeful that I can see London and Paris near Christmas time! What a blast that would be! Back pack or whatever around part of Europe before going back to visit my babies? HELL YA! However, that just makes it even more crucial that I get work! I have only worked 6 weeks since September 18, 2009, and they have all been in the last 2 months! But it is summer time, so I remain positive that I will have work for 90% of the summer… just not next week! Human Resources at the College know that I am available and anxious for work, so hopefully they will hook me up! I am house-sitting for the month of August, so that will be some extra funding coming in as well. They are leaving me a vehicle that I can drive to and from work, along with paying me. I have to water the plants and feed and clean up after 3 cats. I am not looking forward to that part of it though! I do currently have 2 weeks of work scheduled at the end of August as well. If I can get a longer term than that though, you better believe I will jump on the opportunity! As I said before, I just cannot convince myself to look for work anywhere else, because they do not pay enough. Working for just 35 hours in the last week has paid my rent plus some! I am not insuring my car, because the expense is currently not worth it to me. I will walk or take the city bus if I need to go somewhere. If it is somewhere else, well, I will either borrow the truck or get on the greyhound! Gotta save money somehow!
I have had such a busy week, that I hardly had a chance to breath, ironically, unless I was at work! I didn’t mind shipping and receiving much, I got some muscle development going! My biggest problem was that there just wasn’t enough work for the seven hours, so I was bored a lot. However, my after work hours seem jammed with activities this week! Maybe that is why I am so tired today! Monday night John and I went out for Ice-cream and had a fun night of driving aimlessly and talking a lot. Tuesday, I made cookies for mom’s staff meeting on Wednesday morning. I also blessed my office with some of my cookies. Wednesday I went for a long walk and talk with Adrianne. I haven’t seen her in ages, so it was nice to just spend some leisure time together. We were never really close, but that doesn’t matter, it was still a very nice evening. I didn’t get home until after 10 from that. Thursday night, I went birthday shopping for John’s 25th birthday. I bought him a bit of a gag gift and laughed so hard. Then I went to counseling, but my counselor forgot about me, and didn’t come in. When I left half an hour later, we still hadn’t heard from her. I really hope she just forgot and that nothing happened. Her boss was definitely worried about her. Jordan and I were supposed to have dinner and then go up to the Aaron Pritchet concert out at Blackburn Community Centre. I walked to the restaurant and met him there. We had a nice dinner, and then headed out. The concert was a blast – I love small venue concerts, they seem so intimate. And Jordan and I had a great time. Lots of laughs and lots of good music and good company!
Yesterday was Justin’s going away party from CNC. He had a beautiful and delicious cake at lunch time, and received a very nice going away present. The college just won’t be the same without him around. And of course, my life at CNC won’t be the same without him around; we had started spending a lot of time together in the last couple months. I actually got asked yesterday if we were dating! I had to laugh. When I asked what the rumours were, I was assured that there were no rumours, she was just curious. After work, the student union was taking him out for drinks and dinner. I am not sure if I invited myself along, or if I was invited, but at any rate, I went with them for this. Despite the complications we ran into, we had a great night. Justin gave me a little robot for Nathaniel that he was going to give to Value Village, and “Mighty Mike” sat on the table for the evening. We were a couple hours late into starting the event, and so, I didn’t get home from work until after nine. I cannot believe he is gone, I miss him already! It’s funny how you don’t realize how much someone means to you until they are leaving. I knew the minute he told me he was considering this move that he had suddenly started meaning more to me. He also calls me some evenings and we chat until we have to go to bed. If he wasn’t gay, the rumours might have a basis to them! Lol.
Today is Eric and Sonya’s wedding. The ceremony was this morning, and I am writing this is the many hours before the reception. Sonya looked great, as did everyone else. The boys clean up well I must say! It made me sad that I knew nobody there. Doesn’t seem like very good friends to me! And yet, they all say “I love you”. I hate the I love you’s that are not real. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it! I would rather have no friends than fake friends! Anyways, knowing nobody, I snuck away pretty soon after the ceremony ended, but then the wedding party was all heading for photos anyways. I had forgotten that Nickolas’s mom is friends with Sonya and Eric, so I was happy to get to see him today. I tried to talk to him and Cory to keep them out of trouble, but Mom was still yelling at them. Sometimes, you just have to let your children play! Even at a wedding – it was before Sonya had arrived that they were having problems. I told Nickolas he better write to me, and his mom laughed.
Congratulations Eric and Sonya Rockwell! Wishing you all the best in your future together – may it be long and prosperous, and may you always be each other’s best friends!
Tomorrow I am heading out to Fraser Lake to see Mom and Derek and Nathaniel. I am really excited to be able to have a whole day to spend with them and to catch up with an uninterrupted visit! The day I went out with Travis and Nathaniel was a little awkward, because Travis and I were not together, and were not used to be not together and yet still together. I am not sure we could handle it yet either, but the good news is he is not supposed to be there! So, a birthday present for Nathaniel (and a robot), and Africa pictures and time to visit. What a lovely day I am expecting it to be! Nathaniel will be coming back into town with me. I emailed his mother yesterday and asked her if I could be a part of Nathaniel’s life, because I do not want him to think that I abandoned him. I told her that I loved him as though he was my own child, and that I missed him a lot. She emailed back and told me that she was happy to keep me in his life, as she could always see that I included him when I was with Travis. We now have exchanged phone numbers and she says that I can just give her a shout and we will set up a time when I can see him beyond this weekend. I was so happy with her response that I almost teared up a little. Mom cautioned me about becoming too big of a part of his life, when my own life is so up in the air. I still want to spend my life overseas in some capacity. Hopefully, he would be old enough to remember me and receive my cards as me remembering and loving him, whenever that does happen. I will find a way. I am just like that.
I bought a Buddy Bear for the Variety Club’s radioathon, which raised over $45 000 this year! The bears are $200, but I only paid $100 and Canfor paid the rest. I named the bear Desmond. Some child in the Prince George Hospital will hopefully feel all the love that went into that bear. That is $100 less for my babies, and is named after my baby!
Next week has much fewer plans made than this week had. I have a doctor’s and counselor’s appointment on Tuesday. I am not sure what to tell my doctor, as I still feel like a hormonal roller coaster has taken over my life! I will tell her the truth of course! My goal for counseling this week is to see if she has any genius ideas as to why I dream of death every morning. Sometimes it is my own, sometimes my babies, sometimes strangers, but there is always death. Sometimes they are murdered, sometimes I murder them. Sometimes there are medical problems, but always contagious ones. It is never just one person who dies in my dreams. Justin said that it is because I have had a lot of close calls this year within my life, I have had a lot of time to think about death, and I have a couple of people fighting diseases and death as well. He says that it is a little like being afraid of death, because it is too close to me. He might not have a degree, but he is often accurate. He is my favorite counselor, and he is free and a friend too! I am currently determined to pick up my self help Bible that saved me a year ago, and read it again too. I haven’t felt like I could make a difference in my life for a long time, but I am feeling like that right now. So, Monday I plan to read it and remind myself how to love myself. I feel like I have been lifted a little with all my social interactions of the week, and like I can finally do it. So, hopefully I can, and hopefully it helps! I don’t have any plans for Canada Day, and that makes me a little sad, but maybe I will find some. Mom and I are hopefully going camping on Friday, and if I am still unemployed, we might head out on Wednesday and I will just hang out alone on Friday at the beach or whatever. That would be good too!
Anyways, I have hit the 4th page on word, so I guess I should end this. I am not even sure that anyone reads it! If you do read it, know that I love you! Thank you for loving me!
Here I am, unemployed again. Hip Hip Hooray? It doesn’t make me happy. All I want to do is make enough money to travel again at the end of the year. I officially have the travel bug! Andrea talked this morning about me coming to see her new flat. Then she went off on a tangent of I can see it in December when we base our travels out of it. Although I have hung onto that desire that her and I could show off England to me, I had put it out of mind. My dear Andrea had said she wanted to travel and didn’t know where she would be by then. They I decided that I wanted to takes Megs with me, so that was alright as an alternative. But I don’t think Megs will be coming. So when Andrea mentioned this morning that she wanted to travel, I jumped on the opportunity to tell her that I longed to travel the world, but had no one to do it with. She was like, well me of course silly! (Sometimes, you just need to leave your comfort zone to find people who want the same things as you!). She said there are super cheap flights to Paris and Spain, Scotland and Ireland from Manchester where she lives. How sweet would that be? Although I obviously don’t want to blow all my cash on seeing the world, I would love to drop enough to see it! I remain hopeful that I can see London and Paris near Christmas time! What a blast that would be! Back pack or whatever around part of Europe before going back to visit my babies? HELL YA! However, that just makes it even more crucial that I get work! I have only worked 6 weeks since September 18, 2009, and they have all been in the last 2 months! But it is summer time, so I remain positive that I will have work for 90% of the summer… just not next week! Human Resources at the College know that I am available and anxious for work, so hopefully they will hook me up! I am house-sitting for the month of August, so that will be some extra funding coming in as well. They are leaving me a vehicle that I can drive to and from work, along with paying me. I have to water the plants and feed and clean up after 3 cats. I am not looking forward to that part of it though! I do currently have 2 weeks of work scheduled at the end of August as well. If I can get a longer term than that though, you better believe I will jump on the opportunity! As I said before, I just cannot convince myself to look for work anywhere else, because they do not pay enough. Working for just 35 hours in the last week has paid my rent plus some! I am not insuring my car, because the expense is currently not worth it to me. I will walk or take the city bus if I need to go somewhere. If it is somewhere else, well, I will either borrow the truck or get on the greyhound! Gotta save money somehow!
I have had such a busy week, that I hardly had a chance to breath, ironically, unless I was at work! I didn’t mind shipping and receiving much, I got some muscle development going! My biggest problem was that there just wasn’t enough work for the seven hours, so I was bored a lot. However, my after work hours seem jammed with activities this week! Maybe that is why I am so tired today! Monday night John and I went out for Ice-cream and had a fun night of driving aimlessly and talking a lot. Tuesday, I made cookies for mom’s staff meeting on Wednesday morning. I also blessed my office with some of my cookies. Wednesday I went for a long walk and talk with Adrianne. I haven’t seen her in ages, so it was nice to just spend some leisure time together. We were never really close, but that doesn’t matter, it was still a very nice evening. I didn’t get home until after 10 from that. Thursday night, I went birthday shopping for John’s 25th birthday. I bought him a bit of a gag gift and laughed so hard. Then I went to counseling, but my counselor forgot about me, and didn’t come in. When I left half an hour later, we still hadn’t heard from her. I really hope she just forgot and that nothing happened. Her boss was definitely worried about her. Jordan and I were supposed to have dinner and then go up to the Aaron Pritchet concert out at Blackburn Community Centre. I walked to the restaurant and met him there. We had a nice dinner, and then headed out. The concert was a blast – I love small venue concerts, they seem so intimate. And Jordan and I had a great time. Lots of laughs and lots of good music and good company!
Yesterday was Justin’s going away party from CNC. He had a beautiful and delicious cake at lunch time, and received a very nice going away present. The college just won’t be the same without him around. And of course, my life at CNC won’t be the same without him around; we had started spending a lot of time together in the last couple months. I actually got asked yesterday if we were dating! I had to laugh. When I asked what the rumours were, I was assured that there were no rumours, she was just curious. After work, the student union was taking him out for drinks and dinner. I am not sure if I invited myself along, or if I was invited, but at any rate, I went with them for this. Despite the complications we ran into, we had a great night. Justin gave me a little robot for Nathaniel that he was going to give to Value Village, and “Mighty Mike” sat on the table for the evening. We were a couple hours late into starting the event, and so, I didn’t get home from work until after nine. I cannot believe he is gone, I miss him already! It’s funny how you don’t realize how much someone means to you until they are leaving. I knew the minute he told me he was considering this move that he had suddenly started meaning more to me. He also calls me some evenings and we chat until we have to go to bed. If he wasn’t gay, the rumours might have a basis to them! Lol.
Today is Eric and Sonya’s wedding. The ceremony was this morning, and I am writing this is the many hours before the reception. Sonya looked great, as did everyone else. The boys clean up well I must say! It made me sad that I knew nobody there. Doesn’t seem like very good friends to me! And yet, they all say “I love you”. I hate the I love you’s that are not real. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it! I would rather have no friends than fake friends! Anyways, knowing nobody, I snuck away pretty soon after the ceremony ended, but then the wedding party was all heading for photos anyways. I had forgotten that Nickolas’s mom is friends with Sonya and Eric, so I was happy to get to see him today. I tried to talk to him and Cory to keep them out of trouble, but Mom was still yelling at them. Sometimes, you just have to let your children play! Even at a wedding – it was before Sonya had arrived that they were having problems. I told Nickolas he better write to me, and his mom laughed.
Congratulations Eric and Sonya Rockwell! Wishing you all the best in your future together – may it be long and prosperous, and may you always be each other’s best friends!
Tomorrow I am heading out to Fraser Lake to see Mom and Derek and Nathaniel. I am really excited to be able to have a whole day to spend with them and to catch up with an uninterrupted visit! The day I went out with Travis and Nathaniel was a little awkward, because Travis and I were not together, and were not used to be not together and yet still together. I am not sure we could handle it yet either, but the good news is he is not supposed to be there! So, a birthday present for Nathaniel (and a robot), and Africa pictures and time to visit. What a lovely day I am expecting it to be! Nathaniel will be coming back into town with me. I emailed his mother yesterday and asked her if I could be a part of Nathaniel’s life, because I do not want him to think that I abandoned him. I told her that I loved him as though he was my own child, and that I missed him a lot. She emailed back and told me that she was happy to keep me in his life, as she could always see that I included him when I was with Travis. We now have exchanged phone numbers and she says that I can just give her a shout and we will set up a time when I can see him beyond this weekend. I was so happy with her response that I almost teared up a little. Mom cautioned me about becoming too big of a part of his life, when my own life is so up in the air. I still want to spend my life overseas in some capacity. Hopefully, he would be old enough to remember me and receive my cards as me remembering and loving him, whenever that does happen. I will find a way. I am just like that.
I bought a Buddy Bear for the Variety Club’s radioathon, which raised over $45 000 this year! The bears are $200, but I only paid $100 and Canfor paid the rest. I named the bear Desmond. Some child in the Prince George Hospital will hopefully feel all the love that went into that bear. That is $100 less for my babies, and is named after my baby!
Next week has much fewer plans made than this week had. I have a doctor’s and counselor’s appointment on Tuesday. I am not sure what to tell my doctor, as I still feel like a hormonal roller coaster has taken over my life! I will tell her the truth of course! My goal for counseling this week is to see if she has any genius ideas as to why I dream of death every morning. Sometimes it is my own, sometimes my babies, sometimes strangers, but there is always death. Sometimes they are murdered, sometimes I murder them. Sometimes there are medical problems, but always contagious ones. It is never just one person who dies in my dreams. Justin said that it is because I have had a lot of close calls this year within my life, I have had a lot of time to think about death, and I have a couple of people fighting diseases and death as well. He says that it is a little like being afraid of death, because it is too close to me. He might not have a degree, but he is often accurate. He is my favorite counselor, and he is free and a friend too! I am currently determined to pick up my self help Bible that saved me a year ago, and read it again too. I haven’t felt like I could make a difference in my life for a long time, but I am feeling like that right now. So, Monday I plan to read it and remind myself how to love myself. I feel like I have been lifted a little with all my social interactions of the week, and like I can finally do it. So, hopefully I can, and hopefully it helps! I don’t have any plans for Canada Day, and that makes me a little sad, but maybe I will find some. Mom and I are hopefully going camping on Friday, and if I am still unemployed, we might head out on Wednesday and I will just hang out alone on Friday at the beach or whatever. That would be good too!
Anyways, I have hit the 4th page on word, so I guess I should end this. I am not even sure that anyone reads it! If you do read it, know that I love you! Thank you for loving me!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Mutterings
I am at work, but I have been told to sit pretty and wait for something to happen. I am pretty sure this is lame and almost jumped in joy when the girl that actually has this position said she would be back tomorrow! Alas, it wasn’t to be – there are of course hoops for her to jump through now… she will hopefully have everything in place to return at the end of the week or next week. I would be happy to have another position within the college, although I am thankful for this job. I just, I need something to do at all times! I absolutely HATE sitting here and being paid for nothing. At a minimum wage job, that is ideal, but not for me, not here! Currently, I have probably actually done work for only 2 hours of today’s 5 hours…
Things have been decent since I last wrote. I had a great day yesterday at the park for the Father’s Day Show and Shine! I think the park is a great place to have it (although I don’t like all the cars on the grass – it is the less used parts of the park that had the cars on them so…), it really makes it a family event. The water park was up and running, people were on the playground, playing Frisbee and ball, there was food vendors and raffle tickets galore, along with the cars. There was even music at the bandstand if you were down at that area (I wasn’t). Yes, a good day for all I think!
As for my adventures at the park, I had a great day too. I took a quick view at the cars (yes, sadly, a quick view, I somehow ended up running much later than I planned) and headed off to the A&W Float station. A&W provides everything we need to make floats, and all proceeds from the event go to Big Brothers and Big Sisters of Prince George. This is the second year, and we just keep getting bigger! Of course, the gorgeous sunny day did entice more people to our stand than a rainy day would have. The booth opened at 10 am and by 1:30 we were out of pop. A&W had ordered more pop than we went through last year and we still ran out! But it gets better! A&W staff went on a pop mission for us before we ran out. They returned almost an hour later (we were shut down from 1:30 until 2pm) and we immediately sent them out for more. By 3 pm, we were out of ice cream and pop! Ice cream has to be pre-ordered from Vancouver, so at that point, we just gave up. The A&W staff said there was no more A&W root beer left in the bowl area! So, needless to say, BBBS-PG raised even more money than last year, and it was amazing! The girls that were making the floats (myself included) never stopped once we started – we had a system – we yelled for what we needed and it appeared the table in front of us to create! We are very thankful for the hot day that brought us that! What amazing thing for Big Brothers!
While I was busy making floats, my favorite little Oburoni boy wandered by with Derek. I gave him a great big hug, sold him a pop and they headed on their way. I love that little boy so much! I am so excited to get to spend the day with Nathaniel, Marlene and Derek on the weekend! At this point, I wish I was there today, as this job is so lame! I have had a little bit of work since I started, but still, am basically doing nothing…. I am spending Sunday out there this weekend – I also may or may not be bringing Nathaniel out with me.
Although I have been pretty tired, I feel mostly okay. My period started and ended early, so currently I do not feel hormonal at all! I guess I just have to wait and see what happens with that! I see my regular doctor next Tuesday to talk about my drug levels. I honestly don't know what I will tell her. I think I am okay, except that I am still so tired. The 6 am wake up today was really tough, but after two weeks off, I knew it would be.
Things with Travis still bother me. The man I loved and agreed to marry seems to be no where to be found. In his place, I have a jerk and an asshole, who seems to enjoy making my life difficult. No where is someone I can laugh with, someone I can share anything with. And I miss that. But, I was either in love with a persona, or he has really changed in the last several months. It makes me sad, because the man I was in love with was a much better person than the one that sometimes communicates with me. It makes me sad that he is gone, it makes me sad that I can never again have that friend I relied on for the last year and a half. He is gone, and I guess I need to accept that soon. But, I don't want him to stop being my friend, I do not want him out of my life. I know that still sounds strange to people, but I loved him with everything I am, and I want to keep that friendship alive. I want to believe in him, I want to help him get better. I know that I do not have the capabilities to do these things, but I believe that if we could maintain our friendship, it would help both of us, somehow. But, he obviously doesn't want the friendship to continue. He gets mad at me if I ever mention time we spent together. He gets mad at me when I text him to have a good day. It seems like any time I communicate with him, he feels the need to blame everything that is wrong on me. I know I do not deserve that, but I miss him. I also realize that I said the same things when I was breaking up with Dennis. I know that I do not like breakups, I do not like that you loose a friend along with a boyfriend. I do not have a single boyfriend who will still talk to me. I would like my ex-fiance to! I know that I was the only one, but I was fully invested in him. He was my everything, and now he wants nothing to do with me. Maybe it's because I am me, but I wonder what I am doing wrong to make everyone want nothing to do with me in the end? What do I do wrong? How can I stop that? I know also that I love too hard and too fast, but is it not possible to stay in touch long after the flames have died?
A lot of my disapproval of Travis right now is around how he is treating me. Not only does he always give me attitude when we do communicate, and makes it feel like it is my fault (which I know is impossible, the mistakes made had nothing to do with me whatsoever), but he says purposely hurtful things. I cannot justify the things he has said no matter how hard I have tried. I asked him if I could go visit his folks and Nathaniel on Sunday. Instead of saying sure, or anything simple like that, he tells me it is his brothers anniversary, but I can do whatever I want to do. An innocent comment? Maybe. Except we started dating after attending his brother's wedding. That wedding was when I met his parents,and his family. That wedding, was the start of us. Did I need to know that it was Trevor's anniversary? No. I could have happily have gone to Fraser Lake and chilled with some of my favorite people, maybe even without remembering that painful fact. It still is so clear in my head how we started dating on the way home, I can practically still tell you how the conversation went.
He probably blamed part of his Father's Day anger on me too. I saw his son ( I ran into them at the park) and no body had Nathaniel call him. My casual “oh, I saw him and Derek today” was probably taken as spiteful – like I was rubbing in the fact that I have a better relationship with his family than he does. I really was just stating that I saw them, and that they were heading out to the farm again after. I am trying to keep spiteful things to myself, because I do not believe they will help anything, and we have enough hindrance! Besides, I care about Travis (I always will), and I don't want him to hurt anymore. I would do anything to take that hurt away from him.
Other things he says, I know are not meant to hurt me, but they do. Krystal gets more dates than I ever got. He buys things for her (but not his son, don't even get me started on that!). But, I can accept that I guess. I am not a very good girlfriend. I do not like going out. I do not like parties, movies and fancy dates. I would rather stay home and cuddle. But, I only got one date in the year and a half we were somewhat together. His father's memorial ceremony is this weekend. I asked to go, but I am informed casually that it is this weekend (I am busy anyways). That stung. I couldn't help the bitter thoughts of “I bet Krystal is going and she didn't even know the man”. What does it matter Jenna? You really want to fight over a memorial service you cannot even attend? I am so ridiculous sometimes! But, I cannot help it. These thoughts are there before I know it, and then I am sad and feeling sorry for myself before I know what has hit me. Any advice? I am about ready to follow anything!
The worst part is, I know how to fix it all. I know how to stop the depression. I know how to build my incredibly lacking self-esteem. I don't know how to fix my issues with missing Travis, but I know how to fix the rest. I cannot do it. I cannot bring myself to focus on it. I cannot bring myself to open the books. I cannot bring myself to care I guess. On my bad days, I convince myself nothing can help. On my good days I convince myself that I do not need help, I do not need to do anything! I know both answers are wrong, but I am really struggling with doing it. I find other things that seem like a better idea at the time, but do nothing for me. I know I can do it on my own, but where is the strength? I ask every night in my new bed time prayers for the strength to help myself. At least, currently, I get out of bed without the same problem of 2 months ago. My counselor is very happy with my improvement. Is it only me that is not happy? Is that really all that matters in the end? I cannot be happy until I know I am in a better place, and today, I do not know that, I am just having a good day – who knows what tomorrow will hold! The girl that came home from Chase a little over a year ago – that is where I am aiming emotionally (I know that girl has changed into someone totally different – a better person if I can get out of this … hole I find myself in today). I want to be happy with myself, and okay with my emotions. I want to be happy to be single, happy to be me, and where I am. I am not currently any of those things. I find myself wanting to start a relationship that I don't even want, just for the comfort of it. I admit, I love being in a relationship, I love how secure it makes me feel to know that I am somebody's girl, and that they care that much about me. However, I know that I would not benefit from being in a relationship (although I would benefit from the friendship aspect...)
sigh I need to find it in me to change it all. I just don't know where to find the strength. But, I have a busy week ahead of me, so I better get going – I have an ice cream date tonight! And there is a concert immediately after my next counseling appointment that Jordan and I are going to! Saturday and Sunday are both jammed packed with a good time! I just need to make it through this job! Lol
Thanks for listening to my rant. I love you.
Things have been decent since I last wrote. I had a great day yesterday at the park for the Father’s Day Show and Shine! I think the park is a great place to have it (although I don’t like all the cars on the grass – it is the less used parts of the park that had the cars on them so…), it really makes it a family event. The water park was up and running, people were on the playground, playing Frisbee and ball, there was food vendors and raffle tickets galore, along with the cars. There was even music at the bandstand if you were down at that area (I wasn’t). Yes, a good day for all I think!
As for my adventures at the park, I had a great day too. I took a quick view at the cars (yes, sadly, a quick view, I somehow ended up running much later than I planned) and headed off to the A&W Float station. A&W provides everything we need to make floats, and all proceeds from the event go to Big Brothers and Big Sisters of Prince George. This is the second year, and we just keep getting bigger! Of course, the gorgeous sunny day did entice more people to our stand than a rainy day would have. The booth opened at 10 am and by 1:30 we were out of pop. A&W had ordered more pop than we went through last year and we still ran out! But it gets better! A&W staff went on a pop mission for us before we ran out. They returned almost an hour later (we were shut down from 1:30 until 2pm) and we immediately sent them out for more. By 3 pm, we were out of ice cream and pop! Ice cream has to be pre-ordered from Vancouver, so at that point, we just gave up. The A&W staff said there was no more A&W root beer left in the bowl area! So, needless to say, BBBS-PG raised even more money than last year, and it was amazing! The girls that were making the floats (myself included) never stopped once we started – we had a system – we yelled for what we needed and it appeared the table in front of us to create! We are very thankful for the hot day that brought us that! What amazing thing for Big Brothers!
While I was busy making floats, my favorite little Oburoni boy wandered by with Derek. I gave him a great big hug, sold him a pop and they headed on their way. I love that little boy so much! I am so excited to get to spend the day with Nathaniel, Marlene and Derek on the weekend! At this point, I wish I was there today, as this job is so lame! I have had a little bit of work since I started, but still, am basically doing nothing…. I am spending Sunday out there this weekend – I also may or may not be bringing Nathaniel out with me.
Although I have been pretty tired, I feel mostly okay. My period started and ended early, so currently I do not feel hormonal at all! I guess I just have to wait and see what happens with that! I see my regular doctor next Tuesday to talk about my drug levels. I honestly don't know what I will tell her. I think I am okay, except that I am still so tired. The 6 am wake up today was really tough, but after two weeks off, I knew it would be.
Things with Travis still bother me. The man I loved and agreed to marry seems to be no where to be found. In his place, I have a jerk and an asshole, who seems to enjoy making my life difficult. No where is someone I can laugh with, someone I can share anything with. And I miss that. But, I was either in love with a persona, or he has really changed in the last several months. It makes me sad, because the man I was in love with was a much better person than the one that sometimes communicates with me. It makes me sad that he is gone, it makes me sad that I can never again have that friend I relied on for the last year and a half. He is gone, and I guess I need to accept that soon. But, I don't want him to stop being my friend, I do not want him out of my life. I know that still sounds strange to people, but I loved him with everything I am, and I want to keep that friendship alive. I want to believe in him, I want to help him get better. I know that I do not have the capabilities to do these things, but I believe that if we could maintain our friendship, it would help both of us, somehow. But, he obviously doesn't want the friendship to continue. He gets mad at me if I ever mention time we spent together. He gets mad at me when I text him to have a good day. It seems like any time I communicate with him, he feels the need to blame everything that is wrong on me. I know I do not deserve that, but I miss him. I also realize that I said the same things when I was breaking up with Dennis. I know that I do not like breakups, I do not like that you loose a friend along with a boyfriend. I do not have a single boyfriend who will still talk to me. I would like my ex-fiance to! I know that I was the only one, but I was fully invested in him. He was my everything, and now he wants nothing to do with me. Maybe it's because I am me, but I wonder what I am doing wrong to make everyone want nothing to do with me in the end? What do I do wrong? How can I stop that? I know also that I love too hard and too fast, but is it not possible to stay in touch long after the flames have died?
A lot of my disapproval of Travis right now is around how he is treating me. Not only does he always give me attitude when we do communicate, and makes it feel like it is my fault (which I know is impossible, the mistakes made had nothing to do with me whatsoever), but he says purposely hurtful things. I cannot justify the things he has said no matter how hard I have tried. I asked him if I could go visit his folks and Nathaniel on Sunday. Instead of saying sure, or anything simple like that, he tells me it is his brothers anniversary, but I can do whatever I want to do. An innocent comment? Maybe. Except we started dating after attending his brother's wedding. That wedding was when I met his parents,and his family. That wedding, was the start of us. Did I need to know that it was Trevor's anniversary? No. I could have happily have gone to Fraser Lake and chilled with some of my favorite people, maybe even without remembering that painful fact. It still is so clear in my head how we started dating on the way home, I can practically still tell you how the conversation went.
He probably blamed part of his Father's Day anger on me too. I saw his son ( I ran into them at the park) and no body had Nathaniel call him. My casual “oh, I saw him and Derek today” was probably taken as spiteful – like I was rubbing in the fact that I have a better relationship with his family than he does. I really was just stating that I saw them, and that they were heading out to the farm again after. I am trying to keep spiteful things to myself, because I do not believe they will help anything, and we have enough hindrance! Besides, I care about Travis (I always will), and I don't want him to hurt anymore. I would do anything to take that hurt away from him.
Other things he says, I know are not meant to hurt me, but they do. Krystal gets more dates than I ever got. He buys things for her (but not his son, don't even get me started on that!). But, I can accept that I guess. I am not a very good girlfriend. I do not like going out. I do not like parties, movies and fancy dates. I would rather stay home and cuddle. But, I only got one date in the year and a half we were somewhat together. His father's memorial ceremony is this weekend. I asked to go, but I am informed casually that it is this weekend (I am busy anyways). That stung. I couldn't help the bitter thoughts of “I bet Krystal is going and she didn't even know the man”. What does it matter Jenna? You really want to fight over a memorial service you cannot even attend? I am so ridiculous sometimes! But, I cannot help it. These thoughts are there before I know it, and then I am sad and feeling sorry for myself before I know what has hit me. Any advice? I am about ready to follow anything!
The worst part is, I know how to fix it all. I know how to stop the depression. I know how to build my incredibly lacking self-esteem. I don't know how to fix my issues with missing Travis, but I know how to fix the rest. I cannot do it. I cannot bring myself to focus on it. I cannot bring myself to open the books. I cannot bring myself to care I guess. On my bad days, I convince myself nothing can help. On my good days I convince myself that I do not need help, I do not need to do anything! I know both answers are wrong, but I am really struggling with doing it. I find other things that seem like a better idea at the time, but do nothing for me. I know I can do it on my own, but where is the strength? I ask every night in my new bed time prayers for the strength to help myself. At least, currently, I get out of bed without the same problem of 2 months ago. My counselor is very happy with my improvement. Is it only me that is not happy? Is that really all that matters in the end? I cannot be happy until I know I am in a better place, and today, I do not know that, I am just having a good day – who knows what tomorrow will hold! The girl that came home from Chase a little over a year ago – that is where I am aiming emotionally (I know that girl has changed into someone totally different – a better person if I can get out of this … hole I find myself in today). I want to be happy with myself, and okay with my emotions. I want to be happy to be single, happy to be me, and where I am. I am not currently any of those things. I find myself wanting to start a relationship that I don't even want, just for the comfort of it. I admit, I love being in a relationship, I love how secure it makes me feel to know that I am somebody's girl, and that they care that much about me. However, I know that I would not benefit from being in a relationship (although I would benefit from the friendship aspect...)
sigh I need to find it in me to change it all. I just don't know where to find the strength. But, I have a busy week ahead of me, so I better get going – I have an ice cream date tonight! And there is a concert immediately after my next counseling appointment that Jordan and I are going to! Saturday and Sunday are both jammed packed with a good time! I just need to make it through this job! Lol
Thanks for listening to my rant. I love you.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Nathaniel
I was called today for work. I accepted it, without putting the stipulation that I got to attend Nathaniel's birthday in Fraser Lake on Tuesday. It broke my heart to do it. I know she didn't mean it how it sounded, my sister said it was just my ex's kid. But he is more than that. I had accepted Nathaniel into my life, he was my son, he was my family. I wanted him to be my oldest child, and then to have more children with his father. I wanted it to be a family, the family I have dreamed of. Nathaniel matters to me. Nathaniel always will matter to me. I feel like a divorced parent (normally the father that has to do this though isn't it?). I need to tell him that even though Daddy and I are not together anymore, I still love him, he is still my boy. I need to tell him that Daddy and I found different ideas in life and a different life path to follow, but that doesn't mean he doesn't matter to me. Both Daddy and I still love him as much as ever. Nathaniel is not just some kid that past through my life. He is right up there with Desmond and every child from the orphanage. He is mine, and I love him. I will not abandon him if I can handle it. So, I am booking another day to go and see him; it sounds like I might even be taking him out to his grandparents that day.
However, when I asked Travis if I could go out that day, he told me it was his brother's anniversary, but of course I could go. Casual comment? Maybe. But, it was at his brother's wedding that we started dating, and I will be back in the place on the day of what should have been our anniversary. I am still going. I am just going to try not to think about that. Hard to believe that it was only a year ago that we started dating with all the shit that has gone down since.
However, I am doing mostly okay with Travis these days. We aren't talking, but I am okay. He called me hun the other day, and I cried, but he apologized almost as soon as he sent the text. For some reason, I hate people calling me by name, it seems cold and formal to me, but hun was a little hard to take.
As good as I am doing, I am not ready to date again. I need to learn to be okay with who I am once again. This is me, and I am all that matters, ultimately. I want to go back to Ghana, I want to live overseas. I need to keep my dreams to keep me, and I am not yet ready to share these undeveloped dreams with others. However, I do know that the next time I date, I do not want someone who has children. I love children, and become too easily attached to them. The last thing I want is a long list of “nephews and nieces” that I care about so much but who's father's do not want me around! If I hadn't been so serious about Travis, Nathaniel never would have entered the picture as much as he did. But, it was a family, so it was okay. But, now I am stuck trying to see a child whom I adore, and asking for permission from at least 2 seperate people. And it's just not fair to Nathaniel. All he knows is that Jenna know longer comes to see him. As a depressed individual, that tells me that no body loves me... I don't want that for that boy! Because I do love him. And if it were possible, I would raise him myself. He is not just a friend's kid. He is mine.
However, when I asked Travis if I could go out that day, he told me it was his brother's anniversary, but of course I could go. Casual comment? Maybe. But, it was at his brother's wedding that we started dating, and I will be back in the place on the day of what should have been our anniversary. I am still going. I am just going to try not to think about that. Hard to believe that it was only a year ago that we started dating with all the shit that has gone down since.
However, I am doing mostly okay with Travis these days. We aren't talking, but I am okay. He called me hun the other day, and I cried, but he apologized almost as soon as he sent the text. For some reason, I hate people calling me by name, it seems cold and formal to me, but hun was a little hard to take.
As good as I am doing, I am not ready to date again. I need to learn to be okay with who I am once again. This is me, and I am all that matters, ultimately. I want to go back to Ghana, I want to live overseas. I need to keep my dreams to keep me, and I am not yet ready to share these undeveloped dreams with others. However, I do know that the next time I date, I do not want someone who has children. I love children, and become too easily attached to them. The last thing I want is a long list of “nephews and nieces” that I care about so much but who's father's do not want me around! If I hadn't been so serious about Travis, Nathaniel never would have entered the picture as much as he did. But, it was a family, so it was okay. But, now I am stuck trying to see a child whom I adore, and asking for permission from at least 2 seperate people. And it's just not fair to Nathaniel. All he knows is that Jenna know longer comes to see him. As a depressed individual, that tells me that no body loves me... I don't want that for that boy! Because I do love him. And if it were possible, I would raise him myself. He is not just a friend's kid. He is mine.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Hormonal
I am 25 years old. I should be able to handle this by now. But I can't. Every month is the same. Every month, my period arrives, and I feel like no body cares about me, no body wants me around, that no body even likes me a little. And then I feel sorry for myself. All I want is someone to show me they care. But I know, I cannot be a on-demand kind of person. When I am with someone, I demand cuddles for the night, but it doesn't make me feel better. It does make me feel not alone. I thought last night I had beaten it. Justin called me, and we chatted for an hour. I went to bed smiling. I don't know when Justin and I became close, but I like it. Too bad he is moving. That will make it harder for us to be close, unless we make phone calls. Maybe it's because I am moody and depressed, but I pretty much figure it's over at the end of the month when he moves. He has been exactly what I need: a friend I can talk to about anything, any time. There are no 'feelings' because we both like men. He has been perfect. But... now I think it will end. He has helped me a lot in the last four months though, so I have no regrets at all....
So, after chatting with Justin for an hour, and laughing, I fall asleep. I have the newly typical dreams of murder and mayhem that have been here since the Slasher Dreams of Ghana (which I blamed on Malerone). These dreams, would shove wake me in a fright, have no effect on me anymore. I have had bizarre dreams for so long now, that it seems normal. But, then I have a dream which affects me in every way. I dream of Travis, and of him leading me on, and then abandoning me. I wake up in tears, even though this is a story of long past. I cannot shake the feeling.
Is it the dreams, or the hormones that have me sitting here near tears? I only wish I knew. I more than happily popped two midol's this morning in an attempt to get rid of the problem I now face. One for PMS and one for... I don't know, I combined the bottles and have no idea what the other colour of Midol is for. At any rate, I am desperately hoping that they start to control my mood a little. It is so hard to fight these feelings when they come from so deep within. I have been fighting hormonal moods for what seems like my entire life. Well, it has been at least half of it. It has always been bad, it's just so much worse when I am not in a good place before it starts.
My period started a full day early. How I can tell when I have been spotting for three weeks is hard to tell... but I know. I have had more cramps this month than I have had in the last year combined. Will cauterized ovaries always cause such cramps, or is it only because they are newly cauterized? I do not get to see that doctor for another month. He wants to know how my body is reacting to his handiwork inside of me. So far, I don't think my body likes it at all! And my moods have been out of control! I feel as though I am going off the deep end!
Yet, both Kelly and Justin say I have come leaps and bounds since they started dealing with my problems three months ago. (Justin is my favourite free counselor, also known as a good friend who understands the evil spells that Depression casts onto people). I have come far, but with a month like this one, how can I even say that? The last 2 weeks I have cried more for the loss of Travis (and his Family, mostly his family these days) more than I had for a while. Travis is pushing me further away though. I only miss my friend. It has been suggested to me that my friend does not exist. My friend is only one of many persona's in which Travis lives in. Although I hate to think like that, I also cannot see my friend anymore. It is like he has disappeared completely. But, I will always have room in my life for that friend. I will always wait for him to come back to me.
I feel fat. Is that a depressed person, a hormonal girl, a fat girl, a tired person or a lost girl talking? I don't know. Maybe it is true, maybe it isn't. I am going to walk to the mall and find some wrapping paper for Nathaniel's birthday present, and a card for his birthday, maybe a card for people who mean a lot to me, so that they do not feel as alone as I do. That walk takes about 45 minutes each way, it will be good for me. I don't feel as though I have the energy for it though. Again, is that because I am now out of shape, because I am depressed, or because I am tired and hormonal? I don't know anything. I will do it anyways. And because I feel fat, I will try to only eat healthy today. That's harder too. I am always so very hungry in my bleeding to death. And the things I crave are nachos, popcorn and other junk food, not the fruit my body needs. I don't know how to fight these cravings. I don't know how to fight much. I know how to get rid of my depression, but the energy that takes is still beyond me. I don't know how to fight hormones. I think that at 25 I should know how. I never let my period get the best of me though. I will still do everything I am supposed to do, no matter how bad the cramps or anything get. I hate the girls that go home or feel sorry for themselves while they are bleeding to death; it's something we have to learn to deal with eventually. But hormones. I don't know how to get the best of those. Yes, my hormones are in charge of me, for at least five days a month. Midol is the only defense I have right now, and I am at my four hour capacity.
Another thing grating on me right now, is my employment situation. I know that if another casual (whom I adore) applies for this job I have applied for, I am out of luck. Does that put me at McDonald’s (and I refer to anything I see as below me as McDonald’s – no offense to anyone who works at McDonald’s) ? My self esteem will never survive that blow. My counselor is already ready to work with new job ideas for me, in case the worse happens. I cannot go back to 10 bucks an hour! Please, don't make me do it! And, going back to Ghana will be hard for me as well on that wage! But, I am talking as though it has already happened, and it has not. Friday is the day they start screening resumes. I hope I get it! I need it! But, I do still want to be in Fraser Lake for Nathaniel's 5th birthday! But, it sounds like Mom might lend me the truck if I can only do it in a day.
I guess I had better try to do this day to the best of my abilities, which does not happen as I sit at my computer, typing to I am pretty sure no one – I remain convinced that no one actually reads my blog, although I have some people comment on it to me on a decently regular basis. I just feel so alone most of the time. I know, it is ridiculous – but please, tell me how to stop that feeling?
So, after chatting with Justin for an hour, and laughing, I fall asleep. I have the newly typical dreams of murder and mayhem that have been here since the Slasher Dreams of Ghana (which I blamed on Malerone). These dreams, would shove wake me in a fright, have no effect on me anymore. I have had bizarre dreams for so long now, that it seems normal. But, then I have a dream which affects me in every way. I dream of Travis, and of him leading me on, and then abandoning me. I wake up in tears, even though this is a story of long past. I cannot shake the feeling.
Is it the dreams, or the hormones that have me sitting here near tears? I only wish I knew. I more than happily popped two midol's this morning in an attempt to get rid of the problem I now face. One for PMS and one for... I don't know, I combined the bottles and have no idea what the other colour of Midol is for. At any rate, I am desperately hoping that they start to control my mood a little. It is so hard to fight these feelings when they come from so deep within. I have been fighting hormonal moods for what seems like my entire life. Well, it has been at least half of it. It has always been bad, it's just so much worse when I am not in a good place before it starts.
My period started a full day early. How I can tell when I have been spotting for three weeks is hard to tell... but I know. I have had more cramps this month than I have had in the last year combined. Will cauterized ovaries always cause such cramps, or is it only because they are newly cauterized? I do not get to see that doctor for another month. He wants to know how my body is reacting to his handiwork inside of me. So far, I don't think my body likes it at all! And my moods have been out of control! I feel as though I am going off the deep end!
Yet, both Kelly and Justin say I have come leaps and bounds since they started dealing with my problems three months ago. (Justin is my favourite free counselor, also known as a good friend who understands the evil spells that Depression casts onto people). I have come far, but with a month like this one, how can I even say that? The last 2 weeks I have cried more for the loss of Travis (and his Family, mostly his family these days) more than I had for a while. Travis is pushing me further away though. I only miss my friend. It has been suggested to me that my friend does not exist. My friend is only one of many persona's in which Travis lives in. Although I hate to think like that, I also cannot see my friend anymore. It is like he has disappeared completely. But, I will always have room in my life for that friend. I will always wait for him to come back to me.
I feel fat. Is that a depressed person, a hormonal girl, a fat girl, a tired person or a lost girl talking? I don't know. Maybe it is true, maybe it isn't. I am going to walk to the mall and find some wrapping paper for Nathaniel's birthday present, and a card for his birthday, maybe a card for people who mean a lot to me, so that they do not feel as alone as I do. That walk takes about 45 minutes each way, it will be good for me. I don't feel as though I have the energy for it though. Again, is that because I am now out of shape, because I am depressed, or because I am tired and hormonal? I don't know anything. I will do it anyways. And because I feel fat, I will try to only eat healthy today. That's harder too. I am always so very hungry in my bleeding to death. And the things I crave are nachos, popcorn and other junk food, not the fruit my body needs. I don't know how to fight these cravings. I don't know how to fight much. I know how to get rid of my depression, but the energy that takes is still beyond me. I don't know how to fight hormones. I think that at 25 I should know how. I never let my period get the best of me though. I will still do everything I am supposed to do, no matter how bad the cramps or anything get. I hate the girls that go home or feel sorry for themselves while they are bleeding to death; it's something we have to learn to deal with eventually. But hormones. I don't know how to get the best of those. Yes, my hormones are in charge of me, for at least five days a month. Midol is the only defense I have right now, and I am at my four hour capacity.
Another thing grating on me right now, is my employment situation. I know that if another casual (whom I adore) applies for this job I have applied for, I am out of luck. Does that put me at McDonald’s (and I refer to anything I see as below me as McDonald’s – no offense to anyone who works at McDonald’s) ? My self esteem will never survive that blow. My counselor is already ready to work with new job ideas for me, in case the worse happens. I cannot go back to 10 bucks an hour! Please, don't make me do it! And, going back to Ghana will be hard for me as well on that wage! But, I am talking as though it has already happened, and it has not. Friday is the day they start screening resumes. I hope I get it! I need it! But, I do still want to be in Fraser Lake for Nathaniel's 5th birthday! But, it sounds like Mom might lend me the truck if I can only do it in a day.
I guess I had better try to do this day to the best of my abilities, which does not happen as I sit at my computer, typing to I am pretty sure no one – I remain convinced that no one actually reads my blog, although I have some people comment on it to me on a decently regular basis. I just feel so alone most of the time. I know, it is ridiculous – but please, tell me how to stop that feeling?
Monday, June 14, 2010
Crankster!
I feel like crap. I tell myself this is a dangerous place to be, but it doesn't feel like any other time. I think that I really am just that tired that I should stay in bed, not that I just don't feel like getting up... I haven't had a full nights sleep in a least a fortnight. The dreams are obviously not REM dreams, they are not those of a deep sleep. I wake up often and sleep late. But I do not wake feeling rested at all. Instead, I want to sleep more. I find myself napping but then I cannot sleep at night. Where is the proper balance? What am I supposed to do?
It is made worse by that I have nothing to do. The things that I can do alone seem like too much effort to even try. I have been meaning to go up the hill 3 times a week since I got home. I have not made it once. I could do it today, but I am exhausted. Walking home from the mall the other day, I wanted to sit on a corner and rest! It makes me sad that I can no longer do what I used to do. Is it because I am out of shape and lazy? Or is it because of where I am at in my mental life right now? I want to do things, but I cannot motivate myself to go. I went to Walmart the other day, that was big thing. Caught the bus and went on out that way, accomplished everything I had to do. But the half hour walk had me dragging my feet the whole way home. Then I collapsed on the chair and didn't move for hours. My feet blister on the bottom like nothing. It doesn't seem to matter how far I walk, I have blisters. And it doesn't matter what shoes I wear. That makes it even harder to convince myself to go up the hill! My stomach is hard. Hard and fat. I am not sure what to do with that! At least when it was jiggly, I knew I had fat to loose! What does one do with a fat, hard belly? I have only noticed that since my surgery, but any side effects of the surgery should be gone by now shouldn't they? It has been almost 3 weeks since. But everything else is still happening from the surgery, so why shouldn't that be. I am still bleeding, not that I was supposed to be. I now start bleeding in earnest in two days. How am I supposed to tell the Doctor about what my cycle looked like if I cannot distinguish spotting from bleeding. I am blaming the spotting for some of my lack of energy and general bitchiness. I don't know it if it true or not, but it's gotta be at least part of my problems! But, two years ago when I bled for the entire month of June (sounds familiar now....), I don't remember being extra bitchy. But, it was two years ago, and I was dating a dink who made me grumpy too.... But the extra blood loss, the lack of sleep and the general down feeling all add up to … me.
For the last 18 hours, my bowels have been liquid. I am peeing out my poop hole and afraid to fart in case some escapes. I don't know what's going on, but I am sure that is not normal either! My ass feels like dynamite was lit in it, and yet, I keep having liquid run out like there is nothing to stop it. I have never had diarrhea like this before! Normally (and yes, I am very aware that I am putting my bowel habits on a public forum, you know it's what I do, that's why you read my blog!!!!) it is one big dump of semi solid, not continual streams of liquid! So, needless to say, I am staying pretty close to the bathrooms tonight. I know that is why I am so tired today. I was up until 1:30 am with the Chronicles of Narnia in the bathroom, waiting for it to stop/. Up again at 4 to see if it was okay to fart.... and in being up for 2 hours have read another chapter while my insides pour out of me.
I am sure all of this causes my general problem. But, my desire to be in bed, my crankiness, my general desire to not talk to anyone (but to feel sorry for myself when no one talks to me) all remind me of my depression. I don't know if it's under control or not when my hormones make me cry!
It is made worse by that I have nothing to do. The things that I can do alone seem like too much effort to even try. I have been meaning to go up the hill 3 times a week since I got home. I have not made it once. I could do it today, but I am exhausted. Walking home from the mall the other day, I wanted to sit on a corner and rest! It makes me sad that I can no longer do what I used to do. Is it because I am out of shape and lazy? Or is it because of where I am at in my mental life right now? I want to do things, but I cannot motivate myself to go. I went to Walmart the other day, that was big thing. Caught the bus and went on out that way, accomplished everything I had to do. But the half hour walk had me dragging my feet the whole way home. Then I collapsed on the chair and didn't move for hours. My feet blister on the bottom like nothing. It doesn't seem to matter how far I walk, I have blisters. And it doesn't matter what shoes I wear. That makes it even harder to convince myself to go up the hill! My stomach is hard. Hard and fat. I am not sure what to do with that! At least when it was jiggly, I knew I had fat to loose! What does one do with a fat, hard belly? I have only noticed that since my surgery, but any side effects of the surgery should be gone by now shouldn't they? It has been almost 3 weeks since. But everything else is still happening from the surgery, so why shouldn't that be. I am still bleeding, not that I was supposed to be. I now start bleeding in earnest in two days. How am I supposed to tell the Doctor about what my cycle looked like if I cannot distinguish spotting from bleeding. I am blaming the spotting for some of my lack of energy and general bitchiness. I don't know it if it true or not, but it's gotta be at least part of my problems! But, two years ago when I bled for the entire month of June (sounds familiar now....), I don't remember being extra bitchy. But, it was two years ago, and I was dating a dink who made me grumpy too.... But the extra blood loss, the lack of sleep and the general down feeling all add up to … me.
For the last 18 hours, my bowels have been liquid. I am peeing out my poop hole and afraid to fart in case some escapes. I don't know what's going on, but I am sure that is not normal either! My ass feels like dynamite was lit in it, and yet, I keep having liquid run out like there is nothing to stop it. I have never had diarrhea like this before! Normally (and yes, I am very aware that I am putting my bowel habits on a public forum, you know it's what I do, that's why you read my blog!!!!) it is one big dump of semi solid, not continual streams of liquid! So, needless to say, I am staying pretty close to the bathrooms tonight. I know that is why I am so tired today. I was up until 1:30 am with the Chronicles of Narnia in the bathroom, waiting for it to stop/. Up again at 4 to see if it was okay to fart.... and in being up for 2 hours have read another chapter while my insides pour out of me.
I am sure all of this causes my general problem. But, my desire to be in bed, my crankiness, my general desire to not talk to anyone (but to feel sorry for myself when no one talks to me) all remind me of my depression. I don't know if it's under control or not when my hormones make me cry!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Reminders
Every time I forget for a moment, there it is, reminding me. It was supposed to go away. It was supposed to get better. Instead, I have had over 2 weeks of problems. Last Wednesday on the way to the Yukon I discovered that I didn't have the proper supplies AT ALL. Today, I thought it was gone. Boy was I wrong. I get frustrated by the day. It seems that the surgery did more harm than good right now! But... maybe this is supposed to happen. It wasn't what I was told to expect, but maybe, for me, it is right. * sigh *
So, off to bed for another night. Feeling like I am near tears, because I have no control over my bodily functions and as I have for the last five years, I hate it! I find it very upsetting. Every time I see it, I want to cry. Every time I see it I remember everything.
Please, just make me better! That's all I ask for! A body that I know what is going on in!
So, off to bed for another night. Feeling like I am near tears, because I have no control over my bodily functions and as I have for the last five years, I hate it! I find it very upsetting. Every time I see it, I want to cry. Every time I see it I remember everything.
Please, just make me better! That's all I ask for! A body that I know what is going on in!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Lonely
I miss you. Is that so wrong? I had imagined a life together (which you encouraged). I had a family with you. I had a life. I had a life partner, and I had my best friend. Now I have none of the above, and when I cry, you tell me to grow up and move on. You have moved on (obviously) but it was your choice, I was merely left behind. I have almost accepted that you have a girlfriend. I am trying to like her. But it hurts me. You give her more already than I ever got from you. And all I can remember is the good times we had. Yes, I cry. I love you still. Despite everything you have done to me, I love you. And I miss everything. I miss you. I miss your son desperately. I miss your family. I miss having a best friend, someone to listen to me. I know, anyone will listen to me, but it's just not the same. I am trying so hard to make new friends, but it's not working. And then you continue to remind me that you don't want to be my friend. I am struggling to stay here, alive, some what near happy. Can no one see how hard it is for me? I sit here sobbing because I miss you and you don't care.
I realise my emotions are high and wild tonight. I think it comes from 2 weeks of bleeding after a normal period, and leading up to the next period. I am a week away from a period and still bleeding harder than normal spotting. Ya, I am a mess. I went on a road trip to get away, but it only made me miss everything more. I talked about how with time I was getting over you, but I realised I wasn't. I still miss you. I still love you. Your girlfriend makes me cry. Your son makes me cry. Your parents make me cry. The thought of how a year ago I was happy with you makes me sob.
My road trip didn't go as I expected it to. Nothing worked out right in the end. Of course, I had a good time, but the whole thing ended up so disappointing that it almost felt not worth it. Of course, it was, but you know how that goes. Then I got home and my computer wasn't fixed after a week. When I was promised it would be done tomorrow (today) I was then asked for booze as a special thanks. My protesting that it had already been paid for by Travis and refusing to by alcohol for anyone, let alone someone who was starting to remind me a lot of Dennis, I became a selfish bitch. I didn't respond, I needed my computer back, and I needed it with all my non-backed-up Ghana pictures. Then Travis got called my bitch for fighting the battle for me. He faught it because he had paid it, he made the deals. It should never have become a discussion with me. So, he dropped off my computer tonight for me (in the middle of his date), and I started to cry. I was then told that I was being ridiculous and selfish in putting him in that place. I was just missing my only friend. I turned on my computer, it sounds like it will either blow up or take off at any moment. So, I am still on the laptop, trying to think of ways to get my computer working, without inconveniencing anyone anymore. Travis helpfully suggested that I get Marc to fix it. Marc, who distinctly told me he wanted nothing to do with me anymore ever again (he has a life now you know) and lives in a different province. Good luck there. Andrew would do it, but then I have to get it to Mackenzie and am still without a computer for a while. Obviously, I should have just paid CMO to do it when the problems first showed up. It hasn't worked even decently since I came home from Ghana. I think that maybe Travis was going to fix it while I was away actually.....
So, I am a mental mess and alone. I really miss Mom. At least then I am not completely alone all day. I want to call her, but that makes me feel weak. I want my dad to apologise and start talking to me, but obviously that is not happening either. I feel like I don't matter to him at all, so I don't want to burden him. But mostly, I want my best friend. I just don't know how to talk about all this to anyone else.
I have taken to praying nightly before bed. I am not sure it's helping, but I can hope that he is listening. I guess now is a good time to get a new counsellor going too. I know I need it, but I find it so hard to talk when life is "going well". Even Kelly and I have had little to talk about because I had been feeling better. I need a job. I was hoping to get a job at CNC for 6 months, but it is supposed to start on Monday and has not been posted yet. I don't know where else to look for work at all.
Crying hysterically, I head to bed where I hope to escape in dreams.
I realise my emotions are high and wild tonight. I think it comes from 2 weeks of bleeding after a normal period, and leading up to the next period. I am a week away from a period and still bleeding harder than normal spotting. Ya, I am a mess. I went on a road trip to get away, but it only made me miss everything more. I talked about how with time I was getting over you, but I realised I wasn't. I still miss you. I still love you. Your girlfriend makes me cry. Your son makes me cry. Your parents make me cry. The thought of how a year ago I was happy with you makes me sob.
My road trip didn't go as I expected it to. Nothing worked out right in the end. Of course, I had a good time, but the whole thing ended up so disappointing that it almost felt not worth it. Of course, it was, but you know how that goes. Then I got home and my computer wasn't fixed after a week. When I was promised it would be done tomorrow (today) I was then asked for booze as a special thanks. My protesting that it had already been paid for by Travis and refusing to by alcohol for anyone, let alone someone who was starting to remind me a lot of Dennis, I became a selfish bitch. I didn't respond, I needed my computer back, and I needed it with all my non-backed-up Ghana pictures. Then Travis got called my bitch for fighting the battle for me. He faught it because he had paid it, he made the deals. It should never have become a discussion with me. So, he dropped off my computer tonight for me (in the middle of his date), and I started to cry. I was then told that I was being ridiculous and selfish in putting him in that place. I was just missing my only friend. I turned on my computer, it sounds like it will either blow up or take off at any moment. So, I am still on the laptop, trying to think of ways to get my computer working, without inconveniencing anyone anymore. Travis helpfully suggested that I get Marc to fix it. Marc, who distinctly told me he wanted nothing to do with me anymore ever again (he has a life now you know) and lives in a different province. Good luck there. Andrew would do it, but then I have to get it to Mackenzie and am still without a computer for a while. Obviously, I should have just paid CMO to do it when the problems first showed up. It hasn't worked even decently since I came home from Ghana. I think that maybe Travis was going to fix it while I was away actually.....
So, I am a mental mess and alone. I really miss Mom. At least then I am not completely alone all day. I want to call her, but that makes me feel weak. I want my dad to apologise and start talking to me, but obviously that is not happening either. I feel like I don't matter to him at all, so I don't want to burden him. But mostly, I want my best friend. I just don't know how to talk about all this to anyone else.
I have taken to praying nightly before bed. I am not sure it's helping, but I can hope that he is listening. I guess now is a good time to get a new counsellor going too. I know I need it, but I find it so hard to talk when life is "going well". Even Kelly and I have had little to talk about because I had been feeling better. I need a job. I was hoping to get a job at CNC for 6 months, but it is supposed to start on Monday and has not been posted yet. I don't know where else to look for work at all.
Crying hysterically, I head to bed where I hope to escape in dreams.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Angry Jenna
Another day in Whitehorse over. It was an alright day. Lee decided to take Amber and I out and about today so that we didn't have to spend all day with Scott and Linda shopping. They left at 11:30 and hit all of three stores before 6:30 when we got back. Lee promised us all sorts of things, but then we got to go with him to see his posse of children (he has 6 by multiple women). We went to McDonalds with one group of children, and to the fair with another. I went on two rides and am still regretting that! And it was only the ferris wheel and the tilt a whirl... We ended up rushing through the Bergingia Interpretive Centre. It was pretty cool though - all the mammals that lived here during the Ice Age's fossils. But, our afternoon of doing it was now shortened to half an hour. We then went out to Miles' Canyon and took some pictures. That was really pretty. But then, everyone was annoyed including me. Now we are back at the house, doing nothing. Amber is sleeping, so all I can hope is that she is feeling better when she wakes up.
Looks like my plans don't work out for me. I will not be going back to the Beaver Post at all. Looks like I won't be going shopping there like I wanted to. Looks like I won't be seeing Leatha and Emily at all. Looks like half of this trip was a bust. Scott just told me that they are not going back to Watson even tomorrow (although we were supposed to have left this morning). Looks like all I get are bitchy people. I don't want anything to do with them right now. I hate the way they talk to each other, I hate more the way they talk to others. I hate that they can never do what they say they will do. This was a 48 hour trip. We were supposed to leave at 2 pm on Friday and be back about then today. Then it was going to be rushed, but at least I was going back. Now, I am not going back at all. I don't even have all my stuff with me! I will have to take the bus straight from Whitehorse, and it will take me an extra 6 hours! Fucking ridiculous. I am now even more pissed off. I am about to cry. I am wishing I didn't come up at all, especially not to Whitehorse. But I got to see Amy, and I did see more of Whithorse than I have before. But I really want to see Leatha too! She is like a mother to me! How can they just take all of that away from me? They knew I wanted to do it while I was up here! Scott told me to just take the later bus. I can't do that though. I have committments at home this week. I already blew some things off to come up with Amber in the first place! Just because I am unemployed does not mean that I have no fucking life at all! God, I am pissed right off.
So, stuck with evil people, and currently having an awful time.... I am ready to hitch hike back to Watson, get my stuff and go to Leatha's for the night. At least then I get to see real friends. Don't get me wrong, Amber is an amazing friend. It's the family I can't deal with. It's the disorganization, and the lack of plans. The sheer disappointment they give me.
Fuck this.
Looks like my plans don't work out for me. I will not be going back to the Beaver Post at all. Looks like I won't be going shopping there like I wanted to. Looks like I won't be seeing Leatha and Emily at all. Looks like half of this trip was a bust. Scott just told me that they are not going back to Watson even tomorrow (although we were supposed to have left this morning). Looks like all I get are bitchy people. I don't want anything to do with them right now. I hate the way they talk to each other, I hate more the way they talk to others. I hate that they can never do what they say they will do. This was a 48 hour trip. We were supposed to leave at 2 pm on Friday and be back about then today. Then it was going to be rushed, but at least I was going back. Now, I am not going back at all. I don't even have all my stuff with me! I will have to take the bus straight from Whitehorse, and it will take me an extra 6 hours! Fucking ridiculous. I am now even more pissed off. I am about to cry. I am wishing I didn't come up at all, especially not to Whitehorse. But I got to see Amy, and I did see more of Whithorse than I have before. But I really want to see Leatha too! She is like a mother to me! How can they just take all of that away from me? They knew I wanted to do it while I was up here! Scott told me to just take the later bus. I can't do that though. I have committments at home this week. I already blew some things off to come up with Amber in the first place! Just because I am unemployed does not mean that I have no fucking life at all! God, I am pissed right off.
So, stuck with evil people, and currently having an awful time.... I am ready to hitch hike back to Watson, get my stuff and go to Leatha's for the night. At least then I get to see real friends. Don't get me wrong, Amber is an amazing friend. It's the family I can't deal with. It's the disorganization, and the lack of plans. The sheer disappointment they give me.
Fuck this.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Whitehorse
Hello from Whitehorse!
Amber and I left Prince George at about noon on Wednesday and arrived in Watson Lake about 2:30 pm on Thursday. We spent half of Friday at Nugget City (where I worked in 2002 and 2003) and then we drove to Whitehorse on Friday about 4 pm. Somehow, we didn't get to Tara's place until 11 pm though.... We did stop for dinner and briefly at the fair though. Today was Tara's Graduation from LPN here in Whitehorse (Tara is Linda's oldest daughter, Linda is Amber's Mom), and I spent the evening with Amy and her boyfriend. Rumour has it that we are not heading back to Watson Lake as planed tomorrow morning, which means the plans I had with Leatha might have to be re-arranged. I am annoyed, but I should have known better than to trust the Goodwin's time frames. They do not have the shopping they needed to do done yet, so I guess we will see what happens. If I don't make it back to Watson until Monday, I will say goodbye to Nugget City and it's occupants Monday afternoon, and spend the remaining time in town with Leatha and Emily. Amber won't like it, but I do have other people up here besides her!
Amber and I stopped in to see Trav's parents and Nathaniel on our way up. The little guy has been asking about me for ages, and just doesn't understand why Krystal now comes with Daddy and not Jenna. I hate doing it to him. I love him as much as I love Desmond. I am hoping that somehow, I can get to see him a little more - maybe as a babysitter? It was just a quick, spur of the moment visit, but it made me happy. I love those guys!
However, it did make me lonely. I miss Travis more so far this week than I have in a while. I miss all we had. I miss all we were. I miss my best friend most of all. When I have had service up here (which is only in towns), I have wanted to text him to tell him anything on my mind, to get a little comfort from home, to escape the troubles I find up here. I don't know if it's because I am trying to convince Amber that she will survive her breakup, and because we have been talking a lot about our lost men, or if it's because I really do just miss him so much. I know he is with Krystal, and I want to be okay with that. But I certainly do miss my best friend. A whole lot. Trav, if you are reading this, is there a chance of that friendship? Or not for miles down the road?
We saw so many bears along the Cassiar Highway! Wednesday night, we saw 7 bears within half an hour of each other. We had seen a moose back near Vanderhoof as well. Wednesday night, we slept in the car at a rest area about 2 hours out of Dease Lake. Amber had a friend in Dease Lake who owns a restaurant, so we lucked out with a free breakfast there! Between Dease and Watson (about 3 hours) we saw another 4 bears and a moose. So, it was quite the roadtrip animal wise! Amber and I talked most of the way, and for the last hour or so, sang along to songs from our youth off my ipod. We sang loudly and badly and had a great time, which is what road trips are all about!
I have worked a little in the restaurant. Linda seems okay with feeding me as long as I do a little work. We will see how long that lasts I guess. There was a bus that came in for lunch of Friday and I helped there, but really I just stood on the side until I could clear plates. I have helped a little with the dishes as well - turns out the dishwasher is broken. Some things never change, and the Beaver Post is one of those things! Same chaos, same ... everything. If I could remember where things were seven years ago, it would be just liked I stepped back into my life as a 18 year old.
As you have all requested, I have been being a tourist. Amber and I started taking pictures in New Hazelton ( I now wish we started earlier) and I haven't stopped. Amy and Phil drove around Whitehorse tonight looking for things that I could take pictures of. We found a fair amount! Amber and I have done it all along too. That makes it more fun :)
I will have to take pictures of the restaurant, to show how much yet little it has changed. It is definately bigger!
I got my stitches out. The nurse says mild endomesis (where the skin, or in this case, cells) grow in outside their designated spots is my problem. She says it is a very mild case. I get to see the doctor again mid June because they want me to have completed a full cycle before we talk, to see if there are any changes. I am not sure how this is going to work, since I spotted lightly for the week following the surgery, and have been spotting heavily for the last couple days..... had to go buy different supplies in Fraser Lake! This is weird, even for me! So, unless there are "normal" problems coming, I don't see anything normal or better about this!
I am lonely and frustrated, but doing all right. Amber has a broken heart, so I am trying to be strong for her. But seeing Nathaniel reminded me of how much I have lost, and this is a trip I always wanted to make again with someone I love to share it all with. There is so much beauty up here. Travis would love it. I also feel once again like adopting Desmond is best for both of us.... I miss his devilish smile and cheekiness a lot. I can't wait to go back there! Christmas can't come soon enough for that! Scott and Linda I never realised were such jerks. They talked loudly and rudely at the restaurant last night, saying things about the food, and the service, and even the people who worked there. It was a Chinese Restaurant, and it was ran by a whole Chinese family, from Grandparents to Grandchildren. I was embarrassed to be there. Then some boy asked them for five dollars for gas yesterday and they actually said, I have five dollars, but you cannot have it. And then it was implied that he was fat and that fat people don't need help, because he obviously has enough of everything he wants. I again, was mortified. I wanted to pull out five bucks for him and tell him I was sorry for the way he was treated. I just fall back quietly. I have always known that about them, I just... forgot. Amber isn't a jerk like that, or at all, and she is the one I adore! It was nice to be able to express that tonight.
On a good note, although I am exhausted (I think it is a lack of sleep mixed with my normal tiredness), I feel mentally stable. Yes, I know I miss Travis, and yes, I know that depression is still with me. But I feel stable and better. I laugh and mean it. I smile. I am not better, but I am getting there. And the doctor didn't "ruin" my life again.
Anyways, I love you.
Amber and I left Prince George at about noon on Wednesday and arrived in Watson Lake about 2:30 pm on Thursday. We spent half of Friday at Nugget City (where I worked in 2002 and 2003) and then we drove to Whitehorse on Friday about 4 pm. Somehow, we didn't get to Tara's place until 11 pm though.... We did stop for dinner and briefly at the fair though. Today was Tara's Graduation from LPN here in Whitehorse (Tara is Linda's oldest daughter, Linda is Amber's Mom), and I spent the evening with Amy and her boyfriend. Rumour has it that we are not heading back to Watson Lake as planed tomorrow morning, which means the plans I had with Leatha might have to be re-arranged. I am annoyed, but I should have known better than to trust the Goodwin's time frames. They do not have the shopping they needed to do done yet, so I guess we will see what happens. If I don't make it back to Watson until Monday, I will say goodbye to Nugget City and it's occupants Monday afternoon, and spend the remaining time in town with Leatha and Emily. Amber won't like it, but I do have other people up here besides her!
Amber and I stopped in to see Trav's parents and Nathaniel on our way up. The little guy has been asking about me for ages, and just doesn't understand why Krystal now comes with Daddy and not Jenna. I hate doing it to him. I love him as much as I love Desmond. I am hoping that somehow, I can get to see him a little more - maybe as a babysitter? It was just a quick, spur of the moment visit, but it made me happy. I love those guys!
However, it did make me lonely. I miss Travis more so far this week than I have in a while. I miss all we had. I miss all we were. I miss my best friend most of all. When I have had service up here (which is only in towns), I have wanted to text him to tell him anything on my mind, to get a little comfort from home, to escape the troubles I find up here. I don't know if it's because I am trying to convince Amber that she will survive her breakup, and because we have been talking a lot about our lost men, or if it's because I really do just miss him so much. I know he is with Krystal, and I want to be okay with that. But I certainly do miss my best friend. A whole lot. Trav, if you are reading this, is there a chance of that friendship? Or not for miles down the road?
We saw so many bears along the Cassiar Highway! Wednesday night, we saw 7 bears within half an hour of each other. We had seen a moose back near Vanderhoof as well. Wednesday night, we slept in the car at a rest area about 2 hours out of Dease Lake. Amber had a friend in Dease Lake who owns a restaurant, so we lucked out with a free breakfast there! Between Dease and Watson (about 3 hours) we saw another 4 bears and a moose. So, it was quite the roadtrip animal wise! Amber and I talked most of the way, and for the last hour or so, sang along to songs from our youth off my ipod. We sang loudly and badly and had a great time, which is what road trips are all about!
I have worked a little in the restaurant. Linda seems okay with feeding me as long as I do a little work. We will see how long that lasts I guess. There was a bus that came in for lunch of Friday and I helped there, but really I just stood on the side until I could clear plates. I have helped a little with the dishes as well - turns out the dishwasher is broken. Some things never change, and the Beaver Post is one of those things! Same chaos, same ... everything. If I could remember where things were seven years ago, it would be just liked I stepped back into my life as a 18 year old.
As you have all requested, I have been being a tourist. Amber and I started taking pictures in New Hazelton ( I now wish we started earlier) and I haven't stopped. Amy and Phil drove around Whitehorse tonight looking for things that I could take pictures of. We found a fair amount! Amber and I have done it all along too. That makes it more fun :)
I will have to take pictures of the restaurant, to show how much yet little it has changed. It is definately bigger!
I got my stitches out. The nurse says mild endomesis (where the skin, or in this case, cells) grow in outside their designated spots is my problem. She says it is a very mild case. I get to see the doctor again mid June because they want me to have completed a full cycle before we talk, to see if there are any changes. I am not sure how this is going to work, since I spotted lightly for the week following the surgery, and have been spotting heavily for the last couple days..... had to go buy different supplies in Fraser Lake! This is weird, even for me! So, unless there are "normal" problems coming, I don't see anything normal or better about this!
I am lonely and frustrated, but doing all right. Amber has a broken heart, so I am trying to be strong for her. But seeing Nathaniel reminded me of how much I have lost, and this is a trip I always wanted to make again with someone I love to share it all with. There is so much beauty up here. Travis would love it. I also feel once again like adopting Desmond is best for both of us.... I miss his devilish smile and cheekiness a lot. I can't wait to go back there! Christmas can't come soon enough for that! Scott and Linda I never realised were such jerks. They talked loudly and rudely at the restaurant last night, saying things about the food, and the service, and even the people who worked there. It was a Chinese Restaurant, and it was ran by a whole Chinese family, from Grandparents to Grandchildren. I was embarrassed to be there. Then some boy asked them for five dollars for gas yesterday and they actually said, I have five dollars, but you cannot have it. And then it was implied that he was fat and that fat people don't need help, because he obviously has enough of everything he wants. I again, was mortified. I wanted to pull out five bucks for him and tell him I was sorry for the way he was treated. I just fall back quietly. I have always known that about them, I just... forgot. Amber isn't a jerk like that, or at all, and she is the one I adore! It was nice to be able to express that tonight.
On a good note, although I am exhausted (I think it is a lack of sleep mixed with my normal tiredness), I feel mentally stable. Yes, I know I miss Travis, and yes, I know that depression is still with me. But I feel stable and better. I laugh and mean it. I smile. I am not better, but I am getting there. And the doctor didn't "ruin" my life again.
Anyways, I love you.
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