Hormonal

I am 25 years old. I should be able to handle this by now. But I can't. Every month is the same. Every month, my period arrives, and I feel like no body cares about me, no body wants me around, that no body even likes me a little. And then I feel sorry for myself. All I want is someone to show me they care. But I know, I cannot be a on-demand kind of person. When I am with someone, I demand cuddles for the night, but it doesn't make me feel better. It does make me feel not alone. I thought last night I had beaten it. Justin called me, and we chatted for an hour. I went to bed smiling. I don't know when Justin and I became close, but I like it. Too bad he is moving. That will make it harder for us to be close, unless we make phone calls. Maybe it's because I am moody and depressed, but I pretty much figure it's over at the end of the month when he moves. He has been exactly what I need: a friend I can talk to about anything, any time. There are no 'feelings' because we both like men. He has been perfect. But... now I think it will end. He has helped me a lot in the last four months though, so I have no regrets at all....

So, after chatting with Justin for an hour, and laughing, I fall asleep. I have the newly typical dreams of murder and mayhem that have been here since the Slasher Dreams of Ghana (which I blamed on Malerone). These dreams, would shove wake me in a fright, have no effect on me anymore. I have had bizarre dreams for so long now, that it seems normal. But, then I have a dream which affects me in every way. I dream of Travis, and of him leading me on, and then abandoning me. I wake up in tears, even though this is a story of long past. I cannot shake the feeling.

Is it the dreams, or the hormones that have me sitting here near tears? I only wish I knew. I more than happily popped two midol's this morning in an attempt to get rid of the problem I now face. One for PMS and one for... I don't know, I combined the bottles and have no idea what the other colour of Midol is for. At any rate, I am desperately hoping that they start to control my mood a little. It is so hard to fight these feelings when they come from so deep within. I have been fighting hormonal moods for what seems like my entire life. Well, it has been at least half of it. It has always been bad, it's just so much worse when I am not in a good place before it starts.

My period started a full day early. How I can tell when I have been spotting for three weeks is hard to tell... but I know. I have had more cramps this month than I have had in the last year combined. Will cauterized ovaries always cause such cramps, or is it only because they are newly cauterized? I do not get to see that doctor for another month. He wants to know how my body is reacting to his handiwork inside of me. So far, I don't think my body likes it at all! And my moods have been out of control! I feel as though I am going off the deep end!

Yet, both Kelly and Justin say I have come leaps and bounds since they started dealing with my problems three months ago. (Justin is my favourite free counselor, also known as a good friend who understands the evil spells that Depression casts onto people). I have come far, but with a month like this one, how can I even say that? The last 2 weeks I have cried more for the loss of Travis (and his Family, mostly his family these days) more than I had for a while. Travis is pushing me further away though. I only miss my friend. It has been suggested to me that my friend does not exist. My friend is only one of many persona's in which Travis lives in. Although I hate to think like that, I also cannot see my friend anymore. It is like he has disappeared completely. But, I will always have room in my life for that friend. I will always wait for him to come back to me.

I feel fat. Is that a depressed person, a hormonal girl, a fat girl, a tired person or a lost girl talking? I don't know. Maybe it is true, maybe it isn't. I am going to walk to the mall and find some wrapping paper for Nathaniel's birthday present, and a card for his birthday, maybe a card for people who mean a lot to me, so that they do not feel as alone as I do. That walk takes about 45 minutes each way, it will be good for me. I don't feel as though I have the energy for it though. Again, is that because I am now out of shape, because I am depressed, or because I am tired and hormonal? I don't know anything. I will do it anyways. And because I feel fat, I will try to only eat healthy today. That's harder too. I am always so very hungry in my bleeding to death. And the things I crave are nachos, popcorn and other junk food, not the fruit my body needs. I don't know how to fight these cravings. I don't know how to fight much. I know how to get rid of my depression, but the energy that takes is still beyond me. I don't know how to fight hormones. I think that at 25 I should know how. I never let my period get the best of me though. I will still do everything I am supposed to do, no matter how bad the cramps or anything get. I hate the girls that go home or feel sorry for themselves while they are bleeding to death; it's something we have to learn to deal with eventually. But hormones. I don't know how to get the best of those. Yes, my hormones are in charge of me, for at least five days a month. Midol is the only defense I have right now, and I am at my four hour capacity.

Another thing grating on me right now, is my employment situation. I know that if another casual (whom I adore) applies for this job I have applied for, I am out of luck. Does that put me at McDonald’s (and I refer to anything I see as below me as McDonald’s – no offense to anyone who works at McDonald’s) ? My self esteem will never survive that blow. My counselor is already ready to work with new job ideas for me, in case the worse happens. I cannot go back to 10 bucks an hour! Please, don't make me do it! And, going back to Ghana will be hard for me as well on that wage! But, I am talking as though it has already happened, and it has not. Friday is the day they start screening resumes. I hope I get it! I need it! But, I do still want to be in Fraser Lake for Nathaniel's 5th birthday! But, it sounds like Mom might lend me the truck if I can only do it in a day.

I guess I had better try to do this day to the best of my abilities, which does not happen as I sit at my computer, typing to I am pretty sure no one – I remain convinced that no one actually reads my blog, although I have some people comment on it to me on a decently regular basis. I just feel so alone most of the time. I know, it is ridiculous – but please, tell me how to stop that feeling?