Lonely

I miss you. Is that so wrong? I had imagined a life together (which you encouraged). I had a family with you. I had a life. I had a life partner, and I had my best friend. Now I have none of the above, and when I cry, you tell me to grow up and move on. You have moved on (obviously) but it was your choice, I was merely left behind. I have almost accepted that you have a girlfriend. I am trying to like her. But it hurts me. You give her more already than I ever got from you. And all I can remember is the good times we had. Yes, I cry. I love you still. Despite everything you have done to me, I love you. And I miss everything. I miss you. I miss your son desperately. I miss your family. I miss having a best friend, someone to listen to me. I know, anyone will listen to me, but it's just not the same. I am trying so hard to make new friends, but it's not working. And then you continue to remind me that you don't want to be my friend. I am struggling to stay here, alive, some what near happy. Can no one see how hard it is for me? I sit here sobbing because I miss you and you don't care.

I realise my emotions are high and wild tonight. I think it comes from 2 weeks of bleeding after a normal period, and leading up to the next period. I am a week away from a period and still bleeding harder than normal spotting. Ya, I am a mess. I went on a road trip to get away, but it only made me miss everything more. I talked about how with time I was getting over you, but I realised I wasn't. I still miss you. I still love you. Your girlfriend makes me cry. Your son makes me cry. Your parents make me cry. The thought of how a year ago I was happy with you makes me sob.

My road trip didn't go as I expected it to. Nothing worked out right in the end. Of course, I had a good time, but the whole thing ended up so disappointing that it almost felt not worth it. Of course, it was, but you know how that goes. Then I got home and my computer wasn't fixed after a week. When I was promised it would be done tomorrow (today) I was then asked for booze as a special thanks. My protesting that it had already been paid for by Travis and refusing to by alcohol for anyone, let alone someone who was starting to remind me a lot of Dennis, I became a selfish bitch. I didn't respond, I needed my computer back, and I needed it with all my non-backed-up Ghana pictures. Then Travis got called my bitch for fighting the battle for me. He faught it because he had paid it, he made the deals. It should never have become a discussion with me. So, he dropped off my computer tonight for me (in the middle of his date), and I started to cry. I was then told that I was being ridiculous and selfish in putting him in that place. I was just missing my only friend. I turned on my computer, it sounds like it will either blow up or take off at any moment. So, I am still on the laptop, trying to think of ways to get my computer working, without inconveniencing anyone anymore. Travis helpfully suggested that I get Marc to fix it. Marc, who distinctly told me he wanted nothing to do with me anymore ever again (he has a life now you know) and lives in a different province. Good luck there. Andrew would do it, but then I have to get it to Mackenzie and am still without a computer for a while. Obviously, I should have just paid CMO to do it when the problems first showed up. It hasn't worked even decently since I came home from Ghana. I think that maybe Travis was going to fix it while I was away actually.....

So, I am a mental mess and alone. I really miss Mom. At least then I am not completely alone all day. I want to call her, but that makes me feel weak. I want my dad to apologise and start talking to me, but obviously that is not happening either. I feel like I don't matter to him at all, so I don't want to burden him. But mostly, I want my best friend. I just don't know how to talk about all this to anyone else.

I have taken to praying nightly before bed. I am not sure it's helping, but I can hope that he is listening. I guess now is a good time to get a new counsellor going too. I know I need it, but I find it so hard to talk when life is "going well". Even Kelly and I have had little to talk about because I had been feeling better. I need a job. I was hoping to get a job at CNC for 6 months, but it is supposed to start on Monday and has not been posted yet. I don't know where else to look for work at all.

Crying hysterically, I head to bed where I hope to escape in dreams.