March 25, 2012
Anti-depressants look as though they will be hard to get. With an increased little boost of medicated energy, I think I could do this. It’s worked in the past. But my research is telling me it will be tricky. I don’t have a current prescription. I don’t have current medical. Only pharmacies can ship medications overseas. Only major centers have access to Western drugs, and from all I have read today, Prozac seems to be the drug of choice in China. Prozac is a hell of a lot stronger than what I take, which is a really low dose. There also seems to be a one week rule. Doctors will give out anti-depressants for a week at a time because you are supposed to just get over it. But, a week’s worth of my prescription could buy me two weeks of an increased dose. I am not sure two weeks would help me as I dislike so much about my life here. With my normal option out, I started thinking about new things. Chinese herbal medicine has worked for years. There is an herb which the Chinese call the “happiness herb” as it anchors your spirit and then makes your spirit light. It helps with sound sleep, which we all know I could use these days. After a long Google search, I found a sight that said its Chinese pinyin name. I have decided I will ask Angel about it tomorrow (providing she is in the office). Maybe I can get it and have it as a tea once a day, or whatever the case is. There doesn’t seem to be much research on how natural herbs interact with medication, but I figure it is worth a try at this point. I can’t get much worse! Most herbs I read about today need to be taken on a minimal schedule – with days off in between doses. Maybe a cup of happiness on a Monday morning would help get me through the week. And an extra bonus is that apparently it helps with PMS (which is awful for me in China) and other things for that time of the month. I am running out of ideas on how to help me. I know that changing my diet could help – but I find that really hard to do as well. I should have bought a hot plate and started cooking. But, I don’t want to start now. The weather is improving. I will try harder to force myself to go for walks. It is light later now too – it’s hard to want to walk somewhere in the dark and dreary cold! With the improved weather, Dave says he will go to the parks more often – which hopefully means I can join him. I know that one of my problems is that I went from having someone to hang out with on the weekends, to having no one when everyone got more work this semester and I opted to not take on anything else. I do not regret this decision at all. The extra work seems to have a lot of people stressed out, and I was stressed out enough last semester! I just miss having the company. Because everyone around the school seems to be busy for our three day weekend next week, I am really hoping that Sunshine can get the time off (she should be able to – it’s a Chinese holiday) and that she will come to Wuxi with me. I don’t want to go alone – because road trips are better with a friend. We do have a friend in Wuxi but last time I talked to him, he wanted a booty call, so although I still like him, I don’t want to see him alone. So If Sunshine and I go, I won’t call him to tell him I am in town (wouldn’t want to imply that I want a booty call), but if Dave and George were with me, we would call him and I would be fine with that. But Sunshine has either gone stupid in the last month, or my patience is that far gone that I can’t be nice anymore. I am sure I used to be able to have conversations with her, and now it’s like I have to explain things three times before we are even on the same page. She is supposed to check tomorrow that she is off and then hopefully it will all plan out. I just don’t want to stay at the school or in town for the holiday, and I really want to see Wuxi and I am running out of time to travel. Funny how I can say that and that three months is forever in the same breath, but I can. And, traveling with Sunshine gives me a Chinese speaker who can order food and stuff! I can only order with picture menus. Dave will give me all the information he has on Wuxi as he has been there a couple of times. It’s only about 2 hours from here and has a really cool Buddhist “Theme park’ that I want to see. Sunshine’s crush may come too – he also wasn’t sure if he got a holiday – but he has only been in China for a month or so – he is from Turkey.
Please note how hard I am still trying to do this. I talked to my kinship group about it and Erin gave me more help on how to deal with the kids who make me want to go on a murderous rampage… On Friday, I had 3 boys walk out of my class, and their teacher saw them playing outside and also did nothing (I was happy, my class was now running smoothly) and Erin says that I should just deposit the boys in the office at their teacher’s desk if it helps me. I might just do this. I don’t have the patience left for those boys. Erin also told me that we are going to take it day by day together, and that we will make it. I know that’s the only logical way to do it, but it sometimes seems so hard. I know that I said that I found happiness in a shower or a nap, but damnit, that’s not enough for me anymore.
However, I do typically like weekends. I guess that’s something worth living for. Friday nights the group at Gloria’s has been growing. Sunny is there every time, often with his girlfriend (depending on her work schedule). Klaas joins most nights. Sunshine has moved back to Yangzhou and is often there as well. This week Farhart (who I have not seen in many many months) came, and two of Sunny’s co-workers that speak English were also there. And Sarkan, Sunshine’s crush, often joins as well. With a group that big, silence is never the issue and that is fun. And for the most part, everyone (except Sunny’s girlfriend) speaks good enough English that we can have a full conversation. I really enjoy these nights. We do a similar thing on Saturday nights – whoever is free goes out for dinner, and sometimes coffee after dinner. I come home smiling most nights. Sometimes, I come home smiling and the loneliness of my room still knocks me over, but at least I smiled for a while. The problem is it can’t happen during the week at all. Klaas works until 6 or 7. Sunny works until 6, but has a 45 minute drive home – barely before dark. Sunshine has a job again as well. And, by 8 pm – I don’t really want to head to town to hang out! This week we are working seven days, so I doubt we will go out at all. We might still grab dinner, but it will be a eat and go back home dinner.
The weather has gotten really nice. Well, I go between my winter jacket, my spring jacket and a t-shirt on any given day. Today is a t-shirt. I decided to stay home for now – to write this – but I am sitting on my deck in the sun. I have told myself I will definitely go for a walk today. Even if it’s just a pointless walk – it’s so nice out and I need it. I do need groceries again…
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Crying for Sanity
March 21, 2012
Well, we have hit that point again. The point where I want to throw in the towel and call it quits. I have just over 90 days left on my contract, which is about 14 weeks, and some of them are short weeks. This seems unbearable, no matter how I look at it. Sure, every day I finish is one closer to the end, but since we had 100 days, the days seem to be dragging on. The weather is improving, but all I want to do is sleep. I get up and shower and go back to bed until I have to get up for class. I sleep at lunch. It’s everything I can do to not sleep after school (which then causes me to not sleep at night). I am still having nightmares. I can barely convince myself to leave my room – and when I do it is normally because I am out of food. Then, only if I try really hard, will I walk to town. My diet absolutely sucks – and the little I can do about it, I don’t care to. I find myself frustrated at the kids for the smallest things. I am annoyed at their pronunciation of words. I am annoyed when they can’t sing the song. I am annoyed when they talk. I am tired of the songs by the end of the first day of songs (with 2 more to go…). I have been trying to find something great about each day and my answer falls to… I had a nice nap or my shower was the perfect temperature or something similar. I am tired of people speaking languages that I don’t care to learn. I am just tired of teaching and tired of China. And, I haven’t had a real hug in 9 months and damnit I want one.
I am tired of trying. I am tired of pretending. All the sleep in the world isn’t fixing the problem and I am long past the point of caring. It’s wearing on me. It’s wearing hard on me. I am almost worn down. I don’t care about my job, I don’t care if my students pass or fail. If they want to fool around, hopefully their grades will reflect that they don’t care. OF course, how can a child care when their teacher doesn’t? Am I just doing everyone a disfavor? I find myself so beat down by this that I am losing all confidence in myself. I was asked today if I wanted to take on a lead volunteer position when I return. Although this position is something that has always frightened me a little bit, it is something that before I left home, I had the confidence to try. Now, after feeling like a failure for so long, I find myself thinking I am not capable of taking it on again. It would be good for me to do it; it would look good on my resume, and would help me with future things. But, I am so destroyed by teaching that I wonder if I will do more damage than good. If the person who asked knew what a mess I was, would she have asked me? I should have the time to commit to it, and it shouldn’t be too stressful with the life I see happening when I get home. And, I want back into that world…
And that has me thinking. Is it quitting when both your mental and physical health is suffering? Is it quitting when you feel like there is nothing left in life worth getting up for? Is it quitting when emails from home are the only things that make me smile? There is still a part of me that knows that I don’t want to be labeled a quitter. But, tonight, there is far more of me that wants my sanity back. A year ago, I loved who I was and what I wanted out of life. Today, I cannot honestly say that. I feel like I have become a shadow. I am going through the motions because, what else is there to do? I don’t want to live like this anymore. But, I am not seeing a way out here. I pray. I try to convince myself to change it. The reasons not to are so much stronger.
I could quit. It would screw the school over a little and that is something that I don’t really want to do. The school has been good to me, and they are a good school. It’s just not the right fit for me, but I think it is the job rather than the career. I don’t know what it is exactly, but in my heart, ESL is still an option, just not at this time. I would have to pay my way out. It wouldn’t be the first time I paid myself out of a bad situation for my sanity. It’s not an ideal solution, but it is doable. I (well, maybe Mom) paid for me to drop out of school past the drop out date when my course load was too heavy for my health issues and me to deal with. I essentially (without knowing it) paid Dennis out of my life. I paid for his bus ticket out of town, and that saved me a lot in the long run. I could pay to break my contract and go home. It wouldn’t be much more than I paid to get rid of Dennis. For my sanity, would it be worth it, absolutely. But, I also have a strong conscience. And breaking my contract and screwing others over isn’t really the way I like to live. Are the others more important than me, or is it the other way around? I know I should be able to suck it up for 3 months – really that is not that long. But I feel like I have been sucking it up for seven months longer than I should have. The question that remains is… is three months going to destroy me? Right now, the answers feel like an overwhelming yes.
Then there is the logical part of me. There is at least one care package in the mail for me. I can’t go home without it can I?!
Do I bother talking to people here about it? I don’t see any answers that can fix it. The problem is me. Although I still have classes that are better than others, none of them are currently bringing me joy – although the easy ones make me laugh sometimes… I have no desire to be social. I don’t even want to talk to anyone. I could spend all day alone and feel just as good as if I was in public. I have no desire to exercise, even just walking. I don’t have a desire to knit. I sit here and stare at my computer – hoping it will give me answers or something. Sometimes I play solitaire for hours before I realize that hours have passed – and it’s not even a fun or exciting game! I only eat when my stomach makes me get up to find food. My fruit often goes bad before I get around to it. I know I am in a bad place. I have no desire to change it here. I convince myself that at home, I would have the desire. At least going to town wouldn’t be an effort in everything! Shopping is a hassle. The Chinese is too much for me to understand. Trying to socialize outside of the school is so much effort. And, I just don’t fit in here well enough.
I want to go home. It’s merely a battle between being a quitter and messing others over, and if I am worth the financial pitfall I would take. I don’t know the answers, but I know I am not happy.
Well, we have hit that point again. The point where I want to throw in the towel and call it quits. I have just over 90 days left on my contract, which is about 14 weeks, and some of them are short weeks. This seems unbearable, no matter how I look at it. Sure, every day I finish is one closer to the end, but since we had 100 days, the days seem to be dragging on. The weather is improving, but all I want to do is sleep. I get up and shower and go back to bed until I have to get up for class. I sleep at lunch. It’s everything I can do to not sleep after school (which then causes me to not sleep at night). I am still having nightmares. I can barely convince myself to leave my room – and when I do it is normally because I am out of food. Then, only if I try really hard, will I walk to town. My diet absolutely sucks – and the little I can do about it, I don’t care to. I find myself frustrated at the kids for the smallest things. I am annoyed at their pronunciation of words. I am annoyed when they can’t sing the song. I am annoyed when they talk. I am tired of the songs by the end of the first day of songs (with 2 more to go…). I have been trying to find something great about each day and my answer falls to… I had a nice nap or my shower was the perfect temperature or something similar. I am tired of people speaking languages that I don’t care to learn. I am just tired of teaching and tired of China. And, I haven’t had a real hug in 9 months and damnit I want one.
I am tired of trying. I am tired of pretending. All the sleep in the world isn’t fixing the problem and I am long past the point of caring. It’s wearing on me. It’s wearing hard on me. I am almost worn down. I don’t care about my job, I don’t care if my students pass or fail. If they want to fool around, hopefully their grades will reflect that they don’t care. OF course, how can a child care when their teacher doesn’t? Am I just doing everyone a disfavor? I find myself so beat down by this that I am losing all confidence in myself. I was asked today if I wanted to take on a lead volunteer position when I return. Although this position is something that has always frightened me a little bit, it is something that before I left home, I had the confidence to try. Now, after feeling like a failure for so long, I find myself thinking I am not capable of taking it on again. It would be good for me to do it; it would look good on my resume, and would help me with future things. But, I am so destroyed by teaching that I wonder if I will do more damage than good. If the person who asked knew what a mess I was, would she have asked me? I should have the time to commit to it, and it shouldn’t be too stressful with the life I see happening when I get home. And, I want back into that world…
And that has me thinking. Is it quitting when both your mental and physical health is suffering? Is it quitting when you feel like there is nothing left in life worth getting up for? Is it quitting when emails from home are the only things that make me smile? There is still a part of me that knows that I don’t want to be labeled a quitter. But, tonight, there is far more of me that wants my sanity back. A year ago, I loved who I was and what I wanted out of life. Today, I cannot honestly say that. I feel like I have become a shadow. I am going through the motions because, what else is there to do? I don’t want to live like this anymore. But, I am not seeing a way out here. I pray. I try to convince myself to change it. The reasons not to are so much stronger.
I could quit. It would screw the school over a little and that is something that I don’t really want to do. The school has been good to me, and they are a good school. It’s just not the right fit for me, but I think it is the job rather than the career. I don’t know what it is exactly, but in my heart, ESL is still an option, just not at this time. I would have to pay my way out. It wouldn’t be the first time I paid myself out of a bad situation for my sanity. It’s not an ideal solution, but it is doable. I (well, maybe Mom) paid for me to drop out of school past the drop out date when my course load was too heavy for my health issues and me to deal with. I essentially (without knowing it) paid Dennis out of my life. I paid for his bus ticket out of town, and that saved me a lot in the long run. I could pay to break my contract and go home. It wouldn’t be much more than I paid to get rid of Dennis. For my sanity, would it be worth it, absolutely. But, I also have a strong conscience. And breaking my contract and screwing others over isn’t really the way I like to live. Are the others more important than me, or is it the other way around? I know I should be able to suck it up for 3 months – really that is not that long. But I feel like I have been sucking it up for seven months longer than I should have. The question that remains is… is three months going to destroy me? Right now, the answers feel like an overwhelming yes.
Then there is the logical part of me. There is at least one care package in the mail for me. I can’t go home without it can I?!
Do I bother talking to people here about it? I don’t see any answers that can fix it. The problem is me. Although I still have classes that are better than others, none of them are currently bringing me joy – although the easy ones make me laugh sometimes… I have no desire to be social. I don’t even want to talk to anyone. I could spend all day alone and feel just as good as if I was in public. I have no desire to exercise, even just walking. I don’t have a desire to knit. I sit here and stare at my computer – hoping it will give me answers or something. Sometimes I play solitaire for hours before I realize that hours have passed – and it’s not even a fun or exciting game! I only eat when my stomach makes me get up to find food. My fruit often goes bad before I get around to it. I know I am in a bad place. I have no desire to change it here. I convince myself that at home, I would have the desire. At least going to town wouldn’t be an effort in everything! Shopping is a hassle. The Chinese is too much for me to understand. Trying to socialize outside of the school is so much effort. And, I just don’t fit in here well enough.
I want to go home. It’s merely a battle between being a quitter and messing others over, and if I am worth the financial pitfall I would take. I don’t know the answers, but I know I am not happy.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Exhaustion
Depression. Listlessness. Lack of interest in things that used to bring joy. Lack of interest in anything. Inability to care about anything. I don’t care about my job. I don’t really care about my people. I haven’t folded my laundry in over three weeks. It’s not like at home when I fold it and don’t put it away – here, it stays in the bag which I brought it up from the laundry room in. I sort through it and pull out what I need. It doesn’t bother me. My room is a mess. I don’t care.
I know all of these things. I know they are all bad. I can’t bring myself to care. I am praying but I feel like my lack of ability to do anything causes myself more pain. I know God loves me more than anything, but, I still hear the Devil say: “If you can’t care about you, why should God?” I am told that Faith is good enough even if as small as a mustard seed, as long as I have faith. They tell me that the Devil is Depression. If that is true, then I have the Devil deep inside me. I want God to be in my life. I want to be His servant. Do I know how to do that? They tell me that my mustard seed is enough. I am going to believe that. I am going to believe that although I am not stronger than the Devil, God and I, together, are. Right now, the Devil is in control. I am crying. I cry a lot. I wake up feeling like I will cry. I avoid social situations because talking to anyone seems like too much effort. Today I ate lunch in my room because the thought of the cafeteria overwhelmed me.
I am exhausted. I can’t sleep. I go to bed early and lay awake for hours. I go to bed late and lay awake for hours. I don’t nap at lunch, I lay awake for hours. I nap at lunch time, I lay awake for hours. But, when I wake up I can go back to sleep without a problem for the most part. I wake up, I shower, and I go back to bed for an hour, or however long I can sneak in. I can sleep after class, but not at night.
I have tried most of my old tricks. I have read up on some different therapies (thanks Kimmer!). I read it, it makes sense. Then I say “it’s a nice thought but…” I am out of control. Luckily, I don’t really have the energy to get into trouble, but I am losing something more important. I am losing me.
I don’t see anything in my environment that should cause this. I know I don’t like my job, but it has been going well. I think I only have one class that can’t sing the damn songs, and I just don’t care anymore. I try to make it fun and they don’t do anything. We play games and they get angry. I am done. Seriously, they can fire me for that class. I say that, but at the same time, I do feel that failure strongly. It’s not a failure (DEVIL!) it’s just not the success I want…. Maybe it is though. I have NO control. If those four boys want to ruin my class, they do.
Of course, this makes me doubt my own ability to be a mother, or even, not a doormat. In the sake of the children, I want to believe that if I saw them more often, or if anything I said to their parents or other teachers would really make a difference, I think it would be different. I would have a different dynamic with the children. I mean, I more or less have 150 kids under control most of the time… But, assertive behavior is something I lack. I took a course on it, and haven\t been able to apply it to my life. I feel like I need people in my life, and that I need people to like me. If a couple of 9 year olds can destroy me, so can anyone who thinks it would be fun.
I like being able to pinpoint what triggered my mood changes. I wanted to blame this one on hormones, but it didn’t go away with the hormone levels. It might even be worse. I was cranky with my last period. I could feel things. Today, I feel nothing but tired – a little bit dead inside.
Can one have faith that God will change things in time and go to counseling? It was suggested to me yesterday that counseling was a waste of time ad wouldn’t help me if I didn’t have God. But can God really change me? Can he take away the depression, the devil form my life? Is his unconditional love enough to heal me? I just don’t know. Currently, I am praying with every breath I take, and when I can, I am doing what I used to do to make me feel better.
Maybe it’s all just a case of SAD cabin fever. I am so tired of rain and dreary skies. I am tired of being chilled outside. I am tired of “winter”. I miss the sunshine. The dreary weather makes me rather crawl into bed than put on my runners and hit the track. I can think of no reason to go to town most days, and then the idea of walking exhausts me. I did walk to town the other day. All it did was give me sore feet. Then the little old lady on the bus made me sit down, and when I tried to get up to let a little old man sit, she told me no. I gathered it was because I had groceries, but it made me feel a little pathetic to have a seat on the bus. But at the same time, I was so grateful that she moved her grandchild onto her lap so I could sit.
So tell me, how does one who cannot sleep get over being so damn tired all the time?
I know all of these things. I know they are all bad. I can’t bring myself to care. I am praying but I feel like my lack of ability to do anything causes myself more pain. I know God loves me more than anything, but, I still hear the Devil say: “If you can’t care about you, why should God?” I am told that Faith is good enough even if as small as a mustard seed, as long as I have faith. They tell me that the Devil is Depression. If that is true, then I have the Devil deep inside me. I want God to be in my life. I want to be His servant. Do I know how to do that? They tell me that my mustard seed is enough. I am going to believe that. I am going to believe that although I am not stronger than the Devil, God and I, together, are. Right now, the Devil is in control. I am crying. I cry a lot. I wake up feeling like I will cry. I avoid social situations because talking to anyone seems like too much effort. Today I ate lunch in my room because the thought of the cafeteria overwhelmed me.
I am exhausted. I can’t sleep. I go to bed early and lay awake for hours. I go to bed late and lay awake for hours. I don’t nap at lunch, I lay awake for hours. I nap at lunch time, I lay awake for hours. But, when I wake up I can go back to sleep without a problem for the most part. I wake up, I shower, and I go back to bed for an hour, or however long I can sneak in. I can sleep after class, but not at night.
I have tried most of my old tricks. I have read up on some different therapies (thanks Kimmer!). I read it, it makes sense. Then I say “it’s a nice thought but…” I am out of control. Luckily, I don’t really have the energy to get into trouble, but I am losing something more important. I am losing me.
I don’t see anything in my environment that should cause this. I know I don’t like my job, but it has been going well. I think I only have one class that can’t sing the damn songs, and I just don’t care anymore. I try to make it fun and they don’t do anything. We play games and they get angry. I am done. Seriously, they can fire me for that class. I say that, but at the same time, I do feel that failure strongly. It’s not a failure (DEVIL!) it’s just not the success I want…. Maybe it is though. I have NO control. If those four boys want to ruin my class, they do.
Of course, this makes me doubt my own ability to be a mother, or even, not a doormat. In the sake of the children, I want to believe that if I saw them more often, or if anything I said to their parents or other teachers would really make a difference, I think it would be different. I would have a different dynamic with the children. I mean, I more or less have 150 kids under control most of the time… But, assertive behavior is something I lack. I took a course on it, and haven\t been able to apply it to my life. I feel like I need people in my life, and that I need people to like me. If a couple of 9 year olds can destroy me, so can anyone who thinks it would be fun.
I like being able to pinpoint what triggered my mood changes. I wanted to blame this one on hormones, but it didn’t go away with the hormone levels. It might even be worse. I was cranky with my last period. I could feel things. Today, I feel nothing but tired – a little bit dead inside.
Can one have faith that God will change things in time and go to counseling? It was suggested to me yesterday that counseling was a waste of time ad wouldn’t help me if I didn’t have God. But can God really change me? Can he take away the depression, the devil form my life? Is his unconditional love enough to heal me? I just don’t know. Currently, I am praying with every breath I take, and when I can, I am doing what I used to do to make me feel better.
Maybe it’s all just a case of SAD cabin fever. I am so tired of rain and dreary skies. I am tired of being chilled outside. I am tired of “winter”. I miss the sunshine. The dreary weather makes me rather crawl into bed than put on my runners and hit the track. I can think of no reason to go to town most days, and then the idea of walking exhausts me. I did walk to town the other day. All it did was give me sore feet. Then the little old lady on the bus made me sit down, and when I tried to get up to let a little old man sit, she told me no. I gathered it was because I had groceries, but it made me feel a little pathetic to have a seat on the bus. But at the same time, I was so grateful that she moved her grandchild onto her lap so I could sit.
So tell me, how does one who cannot sleep get over being so damn tired all the time?
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Anxious Thoughts
February 26, 2012
Life often doesn’t make any sense to me at all. Is that how it’s supposed to be? Is that how God planned it? I met a guy online (I know, many of you don’t approve). He was wonderful; we talked every day about everything and anything. It seemed like a good friendship was developing. And then, since we talked honestly, I admitted something about me that causes problems in a dating relationship. And *poof* he’s gone. I must admit, I didn’t see it coming. I am trying to read the Bible and to put God into my life – my life needs help and I obviously cannot do it alone. The Bible preaches forgiveness. I find myself wondering if that is really what I need. I always forgive, I always give more chances. Do I continue to do that? Is that what God wants me to do? I am also reading a book on loving Jesus. It states that although I must forgive and I must love, I also must not be a doormat. Sadly, I never see the difference until too late. But right now, I lost the person I felt closest to these days in my lost wonderings in China.
I am trying to make friends here, after seven months. I only have a little over four months left here, and now, I am trying to make friends. Klaas makes me laugh, so I am trying to invite him out with us more often (but his job often involves entertaining clients at dinner). Last night our little group of old men and Jenna went out for dinner with Sunny and some other friends that Dave knows. Here I met Grace for the first time officially, although I have seen her around a lot. Grace speaks English and has many connections all over town. I think we first met Grace because she recruits for a training school. Grace is really sweet, and asked if I would want to come to girl’s nights. I said of course. I found myself agreeing to many things she said, because ultimately, I am incredibly lonely here. Grace had a friend with her who spoke limited English. This girl proclaimed love for me because I patiently waited while she searched for the words to have a conversation with me (who has no Chinese). Both Grace and her friend (who didn’t have an English name…) are social butterflies and easy to be around. I hope they call me sometime. But at the same time I am trying to make friends, part of me is turning off. Why would I bother making friends now when I am leaving? I rarely can find a reason to go to town and when I do; my lack of Chinese often makes me sit reading a book instead of trying to socialize. Dave introduced me to some Canadian girls he met and I was like, wow, Canadians and mentally rolled my eyes. Then my loneliness will hit me full blast again and I will try another round at being social. However, all the social in the world doesn’t ultimately change the way I feel. Last night I had a great time with Dave, Grace and her friend, and I came home and wanted to cry out of loneliness. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do or how long I do it for, the minute I am alone again, I feel so alone in the world. I think I am loosing what little mind I had left.
I have been going to kinship meetings once a week for several months. Our little intimate group just grew and I don’t like it. I am told the more the merrier, but I find myself shutting off there as well. It was one thing for me to talk about my problems or my concerns, or my seeming inability to let God into my life with only three people listening. But now, there are more people and I don’t feel comfortable talking in front of them. It’s not like I am worried they will blab my secrets or anything, because really, I decided at my last mental breakdown not to have secrets. If you ask, I will tell you. But the entire group grew up with religion. We have one person converting from one religion to another; and we have me. I denied religion my entire life. I actually said more than once that I believe in a higher power, but I don’t believe in Jesus. Now as I am trying to give God control of my life, I am finding that one has to believe in Jesus – Jesus is God. For some reason, I guess I thought finding God would be easy. It’s not. Without the full Bible background, I find that I don’t understand a lot of the concepts. It seems to me like one has to read the Bible to find God. This contradicts everything I ever believed, or told myself. I always felt like I had a relationship with this mysterious higher being, just by knowing it was there. Is that enough for God? If it is, why do I still feel so alone? There are times when peace washes over me and I know I am not alone, but it is often so fleeting I wonder if I imagined it. When I listen to others pray, my prayers seem inadequate. They seem to know exactly how to pray, and the words to use. They don’t merely say “Help me learn to listen to your words” but a five minute prayer about it. Do I need to pray like that to have Him speak to me? Or do I just need to feel things and interpret them? I know God has spoken to me, but I have never heard the words. My trip to Ghana pretty much planned itself. One day I desperately wanted “my dream job” and the next I was going to Africa. One day I chose Ghana, for no reason other than that it was right. I have no doubt that God put me there. But, how? Why? I feel like I was most at peace with myself in Ghana. Maybe that is just nostalgia speaking though. I can’t really come up with a reason why life in Ghana was so perfect. The best part of Ghana was that love was unconditional, and I know I have never felt that before – at least not to that extent. In Ghana, my life had a purpose - -the care and wellbeing of 27 children.
I wish I didn’t resist God so much as a child. I wish that maybe I had sat through Bible Study on Sunday mornings at the cabin instead of going swimming. It is becoming clear to me that whatever excuses I had as a child are still holding me back. I have felt the power of a higher being; I have been saved from terrifying moments without injury; I have made decisions because I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do even though I had no knowledge of it. I pray and feel peace, at least for a moment. And then, some invisible force within me, one that I cannot identify or see coming, puts up a shield and denies my brain from what my heart knows. On four different occasions, I have been told a story, a vision, of how someone sees my relationship with God. In each one, God is giving me the world on a silver platter. He is offering me everything I want: the freedom, the love, the joy. And in every vision, all I have to do is accept the offer. And in every vision, I resist it. I find I cannot walk into the open gate, I cannot accept the cake, and I will not share my heavy load. And in every vision, the question remains unanswered: why do you resist? So, my question is, how do I get over my resistance? There is a part of me that says “I need proof to believe” but I have had proof in my lifetime. Do I need constant reassurance? I am not going to get that. That just goes to prove how insecure I am in my life. I do require constant reassurance. I need to know you love me; I need to know you care. I need to know that no matter what I do, you will still be there. I never get this, and so, I always feel alone. It’s silly. Ultimately, I need to learn to deal with my lack of self-esteem, and confidence. If I could do that, then maybe I wouldn’t need you so much. Then I could accept that God loves me unconditionally even if I don’t feel it every day. The thing is I have spent 27 years not knowing how to do that. How does one start? Most days, I do love myself. Most days, I am happy with where I have gotten to in life. Lately, I am tired of China. I am tired of winter which isn’t helping. I am tired of grey skies and chilly weather. I am tired of teaching and I am tired of what seems to be one way friendships. People from home aren’t contacting me. But often when they do, I don’t want to respond. I feel like I don’t know my friends at all. Some days, I feel like home has forgotten me. Dad says the only way to know this is to go home and see. But, I am not sure I want to go home and try to pick up old friendships. I am afraid that everything will have changed so much there is nothing left to talk about. Right now the best I am hoping for is that I can find friends in school because I don’t know where I stand with my old friends anymore. Not counting Christmas cards, I have heard from four friends via mail. I get regular emails only from one person. The only person (beyond my loving family) that calls me is my ex. Not that I blame them, I am not much for talking these days. The more I think about going home, the more I think I want to leave PG again. I was going home for a man. And that was okay because I don’t mind being home most of the time. But, the longer I am away from home, the less I think it has for me. I will go home for a year, but then I think I will apply beyond UNBC for school. School is the only thing I feel sure about these days. Maybe that is God telling me. I just wish I heard Him clearly and knew what he wanted me to do. I am sure the life He created me for is better for the one I am making on my own.
Sorry, I am obviously a little down these days. I am trying to change who I am into who I want to be, who God wants me to be, but I don’t know what that is. I am trying to make the best of where I am, but am struggling with that as well.
Even if this didn’t sound like it, I do love you. All of you. Thank you for being in my life.
Life often doesn’t make any sense to me at all. Is that how it’s supposed to be? Is that how God planned it? I met a guy online (I know, many of you don’t approve). He was wonderful; we talked every day about everything and anything. It seemed like a good friendship was developing. And then, since we talked honestly, I admitted something about me that causes problems in a dating relationship. And *poof* he’s gone. I must admit, I didn’t see it coming. I am trying to read the Bible and to put God into my life – my life needs help and I obviously cannot do it alone. The Bible preaches forgiveness. I find myself wondering if that is really what I need. I always forgive, I always give more chances. Do I continue to do that? Is that what God wants me to do? I am also reading a book on loving Jesus. It states that although I must forgive and I must love, I also must not be a doormat. Sadly, I never see the difference until too late. But right now, I lost the person I felt closest to these days in my lost wonderings in China.
I am trying to make friends here, after seven months. I only have a little over four months left here, and now, I am trying to make friends. Klaas makes me laugh, so I am trying to invite him out with us more often (but his job often involves entertaining clients at dinner). Last night our little group of old men and Jenna went out for dinner with Sunny and some other friends that Dave knows. Here I met Grace for the first time officially, although I have seen her around a lot. Grace speaks English and has many connections all over town. I think we first met Grace because she recruits for a training school. Grace is really sweet, and asked if I would want to come to girl’s nights. I said of course. I found myself agreeing to many things she said, because ultimately, I am incredibly lonely here. Grace had a friend with her who spoke limited English. This girl proclaimed love for me because I patiently waited while she searched for the words to have a conversation with me (who has no Chinese). Both Grace and her friend (who didn’t have an English name…) are social butterflies and easy to be around. I hope they call me sometime. But at the same time I am trying to make friends, part of me is turning off. Why would I bother making friends now when I am leaving? I rarely can find a reason to go to town and when I do; my lack of Chinese often makes me sit reading a book instead of trying to socialize. Dave introduced me to some Canadian girls he met and I was like, wow, Canadians and mentally rolled my eyes. Then my loneliness will hit me full blast again and I will try another round at being social. However, all the social in the world doesn’t ultimately change the way I feel. Last night I had a great time with Dave, Grace and her friend, and I came home and wanted to cry out of loneliness. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do or how long I do it for, the minute I am alone again, I feel so alone in the world. I think I am loosing what little mind I had left.
I have been going to kinship meetings once a week for several months. Our little intimate group just grew and I don’t like it. I am told the more the merrier, but I find myself shutting off there as well. It was one thing for me to talk about my problems or my concerns, or my seeming inability to let God into my life with only three people listening. But now, there are more people and I don’t feel comfortable talking in front of them. It’s not like I am worried they will blab my secrets or anything, because really, I decided at my last mental breakdown not to have secrets. If you ask, I will tell you. But the entire group grew up with religion. We have one person converting from one religion to another; and we have me. I denied religion my entire life. I actually said more than once that I believe in a higher power, but I don’t believe in Jesus. Now as I am trying to give God control of my life, I am finding that one has to believe in Jesus – Jesus is God. For some reason, I guess I thought finding God would be easy. It’s not. Without the full Bible background, I find that I don’t understand a lot of the concepts. It seems to me like one has to read the Bible to find God. This contradicts everything I ever believed, or told myself. I always felt like I had a relationship with this mysterious higher being, just by knowing it was there. Is that enough for God? If it is, why do I still feel so alone? There are times when peace washes over me and I know I am not alone, but it is often so fleeting I wonder if I imagined it. When I listen to others pray, my prayers seem inadequate. They seem to know exactly how to pray, and the words to use. They don’t merely say “Help me learn to listen to your words” but a five minute prayer about it. Do I need to pray like that to have Him speak to me? Or do I just need to feel things and interpret them? I know God has spoken to me, but I have never heard the words. My trip to Ghana pretty much planned itself. One day I desperately wanted “my dream job” and the next I was going to Africa. One day I chose Ghana, for no reason other than that it was right. I have no doubt that God put me there. But, how? Why? I feel like I was most at peace with myself in Ghana. Maybe that is just nostalgia speaking though. I can’t really come up with a reason why life in Ghana was so perfect. The best part of Ghana was that love was unconditional, and I know I have never felt that before – at least not to that extent. In Ghana, my life had a purpose - -the care and wellbeing of 27 children.
I wish I didn’t resist God so much as a child. I wish that maybe I had sat through Bible Study on Sunday mornings at the cabin instead of going swimming. It is becoming clear to me that whatever excuses I had as a child are still holding me back. I have felt the power of a higher being; I have been saved from terrifying moments without injury; I have made decisions because I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do even though I had no knowledge of it. I pray and feel peace, at least for a moment. And then, some invisible force within me, one that I cannot identify or see coming, puts up a shield and denies my brain from what my heart knows. On four different occasions, I have been told a story, a vision, of how someone sees my relationship with God. In each one, God is giving me the world on a silver platter. He is offering me everything I want: the freedom, the love, the joy. And in every vision, all I have to do is accept the offer. And in every vision, I resist it. I find I cannot walk into the open gate, I cannot accept the cake, and I will not share my heavy load. And in every vision, the question remains unanswered: why do you resist? So, my question is, how do I get over my resistance? There is a part of me that says “I need proof to believe” but I have had proof in my lifetime. Do I need constant reassurance? I am not going to get that. That just goes to prove how insecure I am in my life. I do require constant reassurance. I need to know you love me; I need to know you care. I need to know that no matter what I do, you will still be there. I never get this, and so, I always feel alone. It’s silly. Ultimately, I need to learn to deal with my lack of self-esteem, and confidence. If I could do that, then maybe I wouldn’t need you so much. Then I could accept that God loves me unconditionally even if I don’t feel it every day. The thing is I have spent 27 years not knowing how to do that. How does one start? Most days, I do love myself. Most days, I am happy with where I have gotten to in life. Lately, I am tired of China. I am tired of winter which isn’t helping. I am tired of grey skies and chilly weather. I am tired of teaching and I am tired of what seems to be one way friendships. People from home aren’t contacting me. But often when they do, I don’t want to respond. I feel like I don’t know my friends at all. Some days, I feel like home has forgotten me. Dad says the only way to know this is to go home and see. But, I am not sure I want to go home and try to pick up old friendships. I am afraid that everything will have changed so much there is nothing left to talk about. Right now the best I am hoping for is that I can find friends in school because I don’t know where I stand with my old friends anymore. Not counting Christmas cards, I have heard from four friends via mail. I get regular emails only from one person. The only person (beyond my loving family) that calls me is my ex. Not that I blame them, I am not much for talking these days. The more I think about going home, the more I think I want to leave PG again. I was going home for a man. And that was okay because I don’t mind being home most of the time. But, the longer I am away from home, the less I think it has for me. I will go home for a year, but then I think I will apply beyond UNBC for school. School is the only thing I feel sure about these days. Maybe that is God telling me. I just wish I heard Him clearly and knew what he wanted me to do. I am sure the life He created me for is better for the one I am making on my own.
Sorry, I am obviously a little down these days. I am trying to change who I am into who I want to be, who God wants me to be, but I don’t know what that is. I am trying to make the best of where I am, but am struggling with that as well.
Even if this didn’t sound like it, I do love you. All of you. Thank you for being in my life.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Anxiety
February 21, 2012
I have an odd sense of anxiety around me. It’s new to me. I have never been an anxious person. What is going on? I know something is wrong by the nightmares I have. Even in my rests, there is a tension. Today, I was having a nap. I knew I was napping. I couldn’t wake up. I was trying to wake up. I couldn’t open my eyes. Someone was after me. Things were going insane. I was powerless to everything. Things are wrong. But what?
This is going on three weeks. Life seems like it is going alright. My classes are going right. School is going alright. I have a plan for when I go home. Okay, I don’t really, but I can’t see that being the problem. I have a semi-long term plan – but nothing for the short term. I don’t know what I am going to do for a job; I don’t know how I will make my tuition money. Things are well here. I don’t understand. I am going crazy with it.
I know things are wrong. I don’t know what though. It can’t possibly be going home. I miss my people at home. I miss my friends. I admit that after not having heard from most of them for the last several months, I feel like they might not be there when I get back. Will the people I have started talking to from home be there? Will the people who have been judging me on this get over it? Will anything be what I want it to be? I know that although my people’s lives have been moved, in ways that didn’t include me. However, I have changed. Or have I? I feel like I am probably different. I am working on me. I am trying hard to find me. There are times I wonder what I am doing, but this is nothing really new to me. And coming home shouldn’t be different either. It’s not the first time I have done this. It might be the longest time I was away, but it is not the first time. Can it really be that I am just worried about going home? It is very pre-mature for me to worry about that. But last night, when I couldn’t sleep, the only thing I could think of was what I would do for work when I got home. If I can’t go back to CNC for whatever reason, what is there for me? Wal-Mart? Superstore? Tim Horton’s? Burger Flipping? What do I do? I can’t afford school on minimum wage. I don’t want a student loan. And yet, as I write this, and examine a little into the invisible fears I dream, I start to cry. It seems stupid. But, maybe this is the reason I can’t sleep. The reason I have nightmares even if I just lay down. The reason when things are going right, I want to make them wrong.
This is ridiculous. I have spoken more than once about how I just want to go home and start the new chapter of my life. I want to get into school and start this. But, even that is not for another full year. I am not ready for it this year – I need a course. I want to take other courses that I think will benefit me in that. I am probably going to need a student loan. It’s really not that bad if I do. It’s only a maximum of three years of school. I will try to work at least a little in that time.
I can do this. I can do all of it. So why am I going crazy, a full five months early? Is there something else? That’s all I have come up. It doesn’t explain the nightmares, but at least I have identified one source of anxiety.
Man oh man, I am losing my mind.
I have an odd sense of anxiety around me. It’s new to me. I have never been an anxious person. What is going on? I know something is wrong by the nightmares I have. Even in my rests, there is a tension. Today, I was having a nap. I knew I was napping. I couldn’t wake up. I was trying to wake up. I couldn’t open my eyes. Someone was after me. Things were going insane. I was powerless to everything. Things are wrong. But what?
This is going on three weeks. Life seems like it is going alright. My classes are going right. School is going alright. I have a plan for when I go home. Okay, I don’t really, but I can’t see that being the problem. I have a semi-long term plan – but nothing for the short term. I don’t know what I am going to do for a job; I don’t know how I will make my tuition money. Things are well here. I don’t understand. I am going crazy with it.
I know things are wrong. I don’t know what though. It can’t possibly be going home. I miss my people at home. I miss my friends. I admit that after not having heard from most of them for the last several months, I feel like they might not be there when I get back. Will the people I have started talking to from home be there? Will the people who have been judging me on this get over it? Will anything be what I want it to be? I know that although my people’s lives have been moved, in ways that didn’t include me. However, I have changed. Or have I? I feel like I am probably different. I am working on me. I am trying hard to find me. There are times I wonder what I am doing, but this is nothing really new to me. And coming home shouldn’t be different either. It’s not the first time I have done this. It might be the longest time I was away, but it is not the first time. Can it really be that I am just worried about going home? It is very pre-mature for me to worry about that. But last night, when I couldn’t sleep, the only thing I could think of was what I would do for work when I got home. If I can’t go back to CNC for whatever reason, what is there for me? Wal-Mart? Superstore? Tim Horton’s? Burger Flipping? What do I do? I can’t afford school on minimum wage. I don’t want a student loan. And yet, as I write this, and examine a little into the invisible fears I dream, I start to cry. It seems stupid. But, maybe this is the reason I can’t sleep. The reason I have nightmares even if I just lay down. The reason when things are going right, I want to make them wrong.
This is ridiculous. I have spoken more than once about how I just want to go home and start the new chapter of my life. I want to get into school and start this. But, even that is not for another full year. I am not ready for it this year – I need a course. I want to take other courses that I think will benefit me in that. I am probably going to need a student loan. It’s really not that bad if I do. It’s only a maximum of three years of school. I will try to work at least a little in that time.
I can do this. I can do all of it. So why am I going crazy, a full five months early? Is there something else? That’s all I have come up. It doesn’t explain the nightmares, but at least I have identified one source of anxiety.
Man oh man, I am losing my mind.
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