Self Discovery.

December 25, 2011

The thing you resist the most is what you most need to let go of.
I know this. I learned this many years ago, and I knew it was true. But, I have stopped helping myself. I am afraid of change. Even though I have seen light, and happiness, I am afraid to go towards it. It was good, but unfamiliar, so I went back home to my dark. Now, I am facing it again. I need to let go of the past enough to realize there is a future. I am giving myself permission, and I am believing in God. Let’s make the changes.

I can let go of the dark. I can let go of the fear. I deserve good things to happen to me. God will deliver good things to me. Last time I tried this, I believed I was doing it on my own. This time can be easier, because I know that God is doing it with me. I was lying here crying the other night about how far I have backtracked, and the line from my self-help book came back to me (the line that starts this post). That is God helping me find the starting point. China is the best place to do this. In China, no one cares who I am. I can make all the changes to myself without fear of judgment. I know that I build the box around me as much as society does, and today, I am going to change.

It was pointed out to me the other day that in my fear, I continue to make the same mistakes and bad decisions I have made for years. They always said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again while hoping for different results. I have fallen back into this pattern. I am doing the same thing with John that I did with Travis. He has left me. I am holding on. I am telling myself that my love can fix it. This didn’t work in the past, why do I think it will work this time?

I give myself permission to be alone. It is the only way I can do the work that needs to be done anyways. I give myself permission to let go of John. This is another thing I resist so fully. I am full of reasons why I can’t let go of John. He makes me feel calm. He makes me feel happy. I saw a future. Today, I am thinking that God used John for me. He showed me calm, he showed me happiness. I saw it while following John. Now I just need to use the same energy to follow God, and it will be mine again.

Today I know I have to let go of John. I have to let go of what I have convinced myself he does for me. I have to let go of what I want him to be. I’m not sure when I gave myself permission to love him again in the last two months, but I did. That was a mistake I have made before. Now, I give myself permission to love myself, and let go of John.


I have often wondered what I am doing in China. I thought I made the right decision when I came here. There were no questions left in me. I felt like when I went to Ghana – everything was under control of a higher being than me. I have doubted this help in the last couple months. Why am I here? I don’t enjoy the job. The kids are cute, but not really rewarding. Although I am accepted, I don’t feel like I belong here. What am I doing here? The other night after kinship, it came to me. If nothing else, I am here because of those three girls. I am here to learn. I am here to allow myself to change away from judgment. I am here to learn that I was not on quite the right path for myself. These are good enough reasons to be here! As for the teaching problem – I am here to learn how to overcome challenges; how to listen to constructive criticism without being hurt. I am here to grow. I am here to find myself.

Lesson or Test?

I love you.
I miss you more every day
I don’t understand
Why someone so perfect for me
Is gone from my life

I ask God
Because I know He has a reason
But I don’t know what it is
I don’t know if He is testing me
Or if it’s a lesson I need to learn

Either way, without you
I can’t think straight
I cannot be calm enough
Without you,
My life is Chaos.

How can that be God’s plan?

I try every day
To forget my love for you
But how do you forget
A calmed and peaceful soul?

I ask God, knowing that He
Should be the one to bring me
The feelings you bring me

I know by the silence
It’s up to me to figure out
I don’t know how to do it
When I miss you more
Every day.

Crawling Out

in a coffin, afraid to live
comfortable in my darkness
not willing to see the light
familiar is cozy
unknown is frightening
I take the known
the dark and cold
alone


When the above scene was described to me, as a way that I can be seen, I had to smile. It’s true. How many times, when I first started to change my life, did I say that I was afraid to change for fear I might not like the girl on the other side. I was afraid that I wouldn’t know how to live without the depression holding me hostage.

Three years later, and I am still afraid. I am not afraid to know happiness, for I have known it for a while. I am not afraid to know peace, for I have seen it as well. However, I am terrified to make more changes. Darkness has penetrated again. It is familiar, and so I curl in. I tuck it around me like a blanket.

I am starting to know God. I know that in order to do this, I need to let go of the comfort of my coffin – the dark, alone time where no one and nothing can hurt me. There is a part of me that knows that there is so much more out there, for me. But, I have to leave my coffin; I have to leave my walls. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over again while expecting different results. I am not sure I expect different results, but the comfort of failing time and time again is there. No. I do expect different results. I think that if I believe enough, it will be different this time. It doesn’t work. I need to dig myself out of my hole, and try a new road. Three years ago, I started down a new road. At some point, I turned back and went back to where I started. I am no better off today than I was before. I turned my back on myself. I let others hurt me and force me backwards. I need to take control. I need to decide who and what has power over me. I say that like I am on my own, but I know I am not. I know that the struggles I have had the last six months would have forced me over an edge if I was alone. You know that poem “Footprints in the Sand”? I have lived it. I know I have. Every day, I start fresh. Every day is new, and every day has the potential to be amazing. It’s time that I start living that. I know God is with me. Now it’s my turn.

From the coffin I climb
Into the light
The happiness
The freedom
To be my own person
To be whom I am supposed to be
The road won’t always be easy
But I need to close the lid
On the coffin that has housed me
For so very long.
I am going to make an effort
To be the girl I started to be
I am going to be
The girl that God wants me to be.
I know I am mostly
On the right path
But sometimes I turn around
And go backwards instead of forwards
Sometimes my past calls to me
And the comfort makes me want to go.
It’s time to find comfort
On the other side.

Looking for the Plan

December 3, 2011

I know God has a Plan
I know there is a reason
For everything that happens,
But right now,
I don’t understand.

He is a perfect man for me
He is understanding and compassionate
He accepted me as I came
And he loved me for who I am
And now he’s gone
So he obviously wasn’t the Plan.

But how many times must I try
Before I find the Plan?
How many times must
My heart be broken
Before I can be loved?

I made a new plan
One that God agrees on
And I wanted it to be with you
Now it looks like
I am planning again.

I know God has a reason
But right now,
I don’t understand.

True Happiness

October 22, 2011

I’ve been fighting off memories of Travis and the pain that I associate with him. I don’t know why he flooded me so much, but I have figured out a couple of things.

I have had nightmares all week. Like my slasher dreams that I had for a long time, these dreams do not wake me up in a cold sweat, or make my heart pound. I accept the dream calmly. I complained to Paul that I hadn’t been sleeping well, having nightmares, when he asked why I was so tired. He asked if they were reoccurring. I said no, but then I thought about it a little. In every dream, someone was chasing me, trying to hurt me in some way. In one, a murderer was chasing me, in one the evil do-er was trying to convince me to walk on ice I could break with a finger. With the “peer pressure” of Evil asking me to step on ice I knew to be dangerous, I hesitated, but started to take a step when I woke up.

I started two courses this week. One course is called Goodbye to Shy and the other Get Assertive! Both courses are speaking to me directly, as I knew they would. I am taking pieces out of each lesson, highlighting the “me” in them and knowing where I need to work. With these two external courses talking sense into me, and the knowledge I already possess, things started to become clearer. I have long believed that when things are wrong in our lives, our body tries to tell us. The self- help book I read (and then ignored) to deal with my Travis-Dennis problem told me that you could prevent cancer by just listening to your body. Every ache and pain came from within and was your body telling you that something was wrong in your life. I had a little bit of trouble with this section, but parts of it made sense.

With Travis unknowingly torturing me from afar, the dreams started. A figure wanted me hurt. A figure wanted me to hurt myself in a way that seemed like they were to blame. That finger beckoning me onto the ice couldn’t physically hurt me, but making the decision to move would. These are my memories, and my perceived pain at the memories. Sure, Travis helped create the memories, but the memories can only be mine: they are in my head and under my control. What I choose to do with these memories is up to me. I can let “Travis” beckon me onto thin ice and help me lose control, or I can change my perspective and move on with my life. I am choosing to walk away from that hand and the thin ice it represents. I know this is not an overnight process. Today, I don’t give my hand to “Travis”; tomorrow, I can take a step back from the edge.

One of my courses asked me who benefits from me being shy or passive, and who suffers. The Devil benefits when I can’t change my ways; everyone I love suffers. I got to thinking. I wondered why I felt so happy and at peace with John, a kind of happiness I have never felt before. Although I am still ridiculously hard on myself, I have ultimately learned to love myself. I have taken huge steps in being who I want to be, and I have been open to the experiences and have allowed myself to change. I went from a dreamless bum, drifting through life, accepting that I deserved pain to a girl full of dreams all of my own. I make the things I want happen: I am in China because I decided to be an ESL teacher and went about doing it. I am still in China because I want to learn how to be better at what I do. I feel like the truly painful part of my life is ending. I love myself and that means that others can start to fully love me as well. I remember, in all my previous relationships, I was terrified that if I made a wrong move, they would leave me. I strove to be the girl the man wanted me to be, not who I wanted to be. Everything was desperate: I was desperately in love, I was desperate for his attention, and I was terrified of him leaving because he made me whole. What lies I told myself! I realized last night that everything is different with John. Although the Devil pokes his ugly head into my thoughts more than I would like, I have the power to deny him now. I started dating John as a whole person. I wasn’t looking for someone to fill a void in my life, to love me as I couldn’t love myself. I was whole and I was happy; I was living my dream. I am with John because John and I are good together. John has really seen me through some of my worst times. I have cried on him about the hurt others have caused. He loves me anyways. He knew that going in, and loves me anyways. He is able to love me completely, because I love myself. I was whole. I didn’t need John to fix anything; I didn’t want him to be anything he wasn’t. He also didn’t want me to be anything I wasn’t. We always say that when we date, but when we are not whole, we do want things to be fixed by being in the relationship. I never really understood that before. John and I aren’t desperate. Things fit into place. We are very calmly doing a year long distance because we know that talking as often as we do, we are going to be fine. Yes, sometimes I am still terrified he is going to leave me, but he never actually gives me the impression he will. That’s the Devil rearing his ugly head again.

Today I choose to believe in happiness, true happiness. The Devil isn’t leaving me alone yet, but I am making my choice. I am choosing not to look backwards. I am choosing not to walk on the think ice (what a great metaphor my dream came up with!). My life is about me, and my future. I choose to let go of the pain and move on with my life. I choose to be happy. Yes, the memories of Travis will continue. With each memory I have, I chose to forgive myself for letting the pain into my life. I chose to forgive Travis for the pain I let him bring me. I chose to forgive the past and honour the future.

A Religious Exploration

October 14, 2011

We talked religion yesterday, Christianity to be exact. Where in the past I have felt the desire to walk away from the conversation (like many of us did yesterday), I settled in for the chat. None of the teachers here would actually be able to force religion on someone, so I figured it might be worth it. We all come off as unlikely candidates for believing let alone preaching.

I believe that there is a high power in our lives, and although I call it “God” I have never been sure of the biblical aspects of Christianity. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that every person that enters your life has a purpose. When things are bad, look for the lesson you learned, or the ways in which you are growing. When people hurt you, remember how they changed you and how you are a better person for it. I believe that people have the power to change into exactly who they want to be, and that person is typically who we are meant to be, according to God. If I am happy and at peace with my life and who I am, then I believe that the higher power and myself are working together in life. When I am not at peace, I ask for help to find my way back to the happy equilibrium I need in my life. I know that these things will not just happen; I know that personal work is required. I believe that if you need a friendly presence, you just have to ask. Somehow, your pain and loneliness is lessoned and although you are still “alone” you feel a little better. Sometimes, you might not notice it, but think back about those lonely nights where you cried yourself to sleep. When you woke up, you felt renewed and able to continue. Maybe a friend calls you in the morning and you have a good day with them. There is always an answer, of some sort.

There have been times in my life where after begging for help from God, I have felt a peace flow through me. Just last night, as I cried in a TV show induced loneliness, I asked for strength to continue, to do what I am here doing. Nothing changed in my situation except that my tears dried up and positive thoughts of my life and accomplishments flowed into my mind. I have felt other things when God has helped. Christmas 2008 when Erin and I landed in the ditch on the Coke at – 30 I knew God was with us. We both felt the car try to flip, we felt it go into the air, and almost as if it never happened, the car settled into a gentle stop. Erin and I walked away without a scratch when the witness thought for sure we must be dead. That wasn’t luck; that was God. When my life was spinning out of control later that year, I begged for help to take me out of the rut I had dug for myself. The answer came very clearly to me. You all questioned my sanity when I dropped out of the job competition, for a job which only a week ago I desperately wanted. But, God had given me the answer to my problems. I needed to go to Africa. Without a lot of research, I decided on a company and a country to visit. I didn’t question it; it felt right. I landed in an orphanage which changed everything in my life, and I believe made me a better person. I learned to love unselfishly. I learned to love for those children, and those children loved me back in return. For the first time outside of my family, I was loved unconditionally. I felt true love. It came from 30 different people, but it was true, unconditional and peaceful. Now I was able to learn to love myself for the first time. One must have this kind of love in order to love them, and this love is a treasure when found. When Agogo was so sick, I prayed. I asked for help, I asked for answers. I promised anything I was capable of in exchange for Agogo’s health. I fell asleep that night frantically praying for Agogo. I woke up at peace with answers. Agogo improved. I don’t remember now what the answers were, but I know that it all got better. To many of you, my life is directionless. I can’t explain and therefore you don’t understand; I am gently nudged in the direction where I need to be. I can’t fight it. It is what I must do. Dreams appeared in my life. Decisions which seem hard became easy. And when my dreams contradicted each other, an answer once again became clear to me. China isn’t what I wanted it to be for me. What I want for me, and what I feel is the right answer, is in Vanderhoof. Now, don’t take that in the wrong way. China is helping me; I am growing from my experiences and challenges. Because I feel a little lost, I am asking for help again: help in finding my purpose in being here, because I know God has one. It is up to me to ask him to show it to me, and to live up to it when it becomes clear.

In our conversation last night, Erin had her Bible in her hand. What she described was basically what I have said above about my own beliefs, but in a clear and concise way. When man and woman (not yet named Adam and Eve) ate from The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, they brought emotions in our lives. Before this, God was their friend and they bore no shame. Upon eating from the Tree, they became shameful of their nakedness and their disobedience of God. God separated from them because of this. He created rules. Humans were to know good and evil, and feel the corresponding emotions. When Jesus came along, God believed him to be perfect. Jesus sinned; Jesus hung out with the “real people” of society – those that were not overtly religious. We know that his lover was a prostitute. Jesus preformed miracles. In the Bible, there is always proof that someone else also performed the same miracle either before or after Jesus. This makes Jesus a regular person. God made him perfect, and he sinned and his miracles were not his alone. Erin suggests this means that we can all be like Jesus – God made us in his own image as he made Jesus. God made us each perfect for ourselves. The Bible says that Jesus questioned God before turning himself in to die on the cross, but in the end, said “It’s your will God” and did it. Erin follows Jesus, not the later preaching’s of Paul, which I understand now are what most churches follow. Jesus gave his life into God’s hands. In this reading (which I like), if Jesus had not gone to the cross, he would have disobeyed God’s will and therefore committed the only true sin. Erin takes this as that each of us has our own set of sins with God. Just because God tells me to do something, doesn’t make it a sin for you if you don’t stop. Let’s use something that I know most of you question in me: my refusal to drink even though I am not sure it’s a valid argument here. God told me not to drink, and I obeyed. God did not tell you not to drink. If I began drinking, it would be a direct refusal of God’s will and I would be a sinner. Because God did not tell you the same thing he told me, you are not a sinner by drinking.

This is where this really spoke to me. I don’t care about sinners, but when I feel strongly that I need to do something, I do it. I don’t always have reasons behind my decisions. This is true for my non-drinking. I don’t like the smell of alcohol, and I felt it destroyed my family. I didn’t even think about drinking until college (and even then, that’s just when drinking became a part of my friends’ lives) and it had no appeal to me at all. I never heard him, but God told me not to drink and because I trust God, I have not broken this request of me. My trips to Africa and even to China are the same – God told me I needed to be here, so here I am. To me, there was never a choice, I had to do it. Believing as I do that everything happens for a reason (or that God has created me for a specific purpose), there is no point fighting the desires within me. I know that I would have been miserable had I not followed through. Shame: shame from ignoring God.

Interesting isn’t it?

Erin has a church she attends at home, which works along these principals. I don’t think I need a church, as it is hard to find a church which practices the forgiving God and the one on one personal relationship with God, but it was reassuring to me to hear that others think about the same way. It was reassuring to me to hear, with the Bible to back it up, that I am not off base, and that calling my spiritual power “God” is not sacrilegious. This also reaffirmed to me that all religions are the same. We strive to please God, and he talks to us and tells us what we need to do. We shouldn’t judge others, and merely do our own best to live the life God created us for.

I feel like I am following God’s plan. Are you?

Alone

Alone.

I have spent my whole life on the edges
Never quiet fitting in
Sometimes I try
But I still make the edges

Many hours have passed
Where I have pondered deep
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I not fun to be around?

Sometimes it upsets me
That I can never fit in
And sometimes, there is so much peace
In being around myself

I hear laughter around me
I don’t know the joke
Even though I am right there
It wasn’t said to me

I think back, over my life
Sitting alone at the lake
A book in my lap
Sitting alone in school
Working up the courage to talk
Standing alone outside
Trying to breathe fresh air
Sitting alone in life
Enjoying and crying together

Why am I always alone?
And why does it bother me so
When I consciously choose to do it?

Safe and Sound in Shanghai

July 6th, 2011. San Francisco Airport
18 hours into the trip and I am exhausted. I napped from 1130 until 2 last night at Erin’s house, napped a tiny bit on the two hour flight to San Francisco, and slept maybe an hour in the airport while on my long layover. The dork ahead of me on the flight from Vancouver put her seat fully back making it so I had to put my seat back to be able to breath. I hate people who do that! I always only recline mine a little because I hate it so much!

Air Canada behaved themselves and didn’t lose any of the 12 people on my flight from PG’s luggage. I was very impressed with their behavior! We even arrived on time. John’s Mom and sister came to the airport to say goodbye to me. It was so sweet of them! Besides my ride, no one has ever seen me off at the airport before! Erin met me at the airport and as soon as we got back to her place I said goodnight. 2 am really isn’t a good time to wake up!

I don’t know why airports insist you are there 3 hours early for an international flight. Erin and I arrived at the airport at about 315 for my 6 am flight. No United representatives were on hand. They arrived at about 330. We get through them, and the baggage people aren’t at work yet. So, we all stand in another line to be able to put our bags on the conveyor belt. Finally a man shows up for work and we move our baggage away. Security was there and I went through fast and problem free. Next up, customs where again, no one is at work yet. This line ended up super long before we started moving. I was glad to be near the front of all of them. Now that we are through security and everything, it’s time to start looking for food before the plane departs. Starbucks is the only place open as we start coming through. Pretty much everyone who was on time for San Francisco ended up at Starbucks because we were hungry and needing our caffeine. Other places were in the process of opening. That’s the worst thing about 6 am flights. It’s almost impossible to get food! And with it being a two hour flight, United did a snack bar where you pay for snacks, but they did give me a full can of apple juice so that was nice.

So far, things are pretty uneventful. I was going to post this for you so you know I am still alive, but it seems that my computer does not want to connect to the Free Wi-Fi at the airport. I still have 2 hours to go before my flight, and my e-reader didn’t charge fully – guess when my laptop shuts off it can’t charge (obviously) so it doesn’t have much life left on it either….. Failure! Guess I will be watching TV and sleeping for the next 16 hour flight! I can see a plug in, I could charge it, but we packed the cord in a random bag that is lost in this massive airport not where near me!

The custom person I had in Vancouver asked where I was going, and fearing that “to China” would sound like as much of a joke to him as it does to me (I think it’s all those I’m digging to China comments we get as kids), I answered with Shanghai. It was 5 am and he didn’t look amused. He wanted to know all about what I was doing in China – is that curiosity or his right to know? I never know with customs, and just answer them! Better to give away information than to be stopped for being difficult I guess!

So, until I get to Shanghai, so long!

July 7, 2011 Shanghai

Here I am! Shanghai at long last! I swear the flight took extra-long, but it appears we arrived a couple of minutes early. Maybe it just seemed like forever because the on-flight entertainment was all in Chinese with Chinese subtitles (although the man next to me who was Indian appeared to be listening to them… I couldn’t find the channel!). I napped a bunch but time didn’t seem to be napping away! I picked up a cold somewhere along the way today, so I have a sore throat and am a little stuffy, but mostly just feel like I might be sick. How lame is that! I read until my e-reader told me it couldn’t read anymore – I might have to have a quick gander to see if I can find my chargers, and the proper plug ins! Tomorrow though, I am going to bed really early for the Chinese and really late for me! Right now, it’s approaching 5 am in Canada and I have been on the go for 27 hours even though I napped a lot! This flight came with two full meals and a snack which was really nice. My kind neighbor even took a snack for me when I slept through snack time! It was nice to wake up to a banana and a muffin waiting for me! I also miscalculated when we should be in (they said 10 hours and to me, that meant 10 pm….. and I think it was more like 10 hours 59 minutes lol). Sadly, it’s really cloudy out today and I didn’t get to see much on the way into Shanghai from the air.

I should have peed before I left the plane! I have always just snuck into a bathroom in the terminal to clean up a little and relieve myself before customs, but I had some trouble finding toilets that weren’t miles out of the way. Immigration was a really long line, but it went very smoothly. All three of my bags came in a row again. I lost a rainbow strap in the last 24 hours, but it was on the very noticeable suitcase, so that was fine. I put my big backpack into a bag in Vancouver and I will be throwing the bag out before I try to move the silly thing again since it is just falling out in numerous places! There was no one in customs; we all just walked right on through. Then came the line of people collecting other people. I looked for my name even though I wasn’t expecting to see it. I came out of the line and was wondering where I might find a payphone (and if there would be English instructions on the payphone when I did find it) and a man asked if he could help me. I said I was supposed to call my hotel when I got here for a ride. He took my papers from me and said come to my booth. I followed (wondering how much this would cost me – in Ghana, I would be paying for him to talk to me let alone help me!) and he dialed and gave me the phone. The girl spoke to me in English (maybe calling at 3 am wasn’t my best idea last week) and told me where to go to meet the driver. He was there in about half an hour.

My first impressions of Shanghai are that it is a beautiful city. I’m not sure why, but I wasn’t expecting construction like at home, but there it is. I pictured far more traffic (maybe it’s because it was 7 pm on a Thursday?) like in Accra, but we just moseyed our way here. The driving reminds me of Accra though! There was another girl coming to the hotel tonight too (she has been here a while but is Canadian) and I let her have the front seat because I was smaller than her for the luggage filled backseat. She was like “oh sure, make me watch my death come” and I laughed. Maybe it was that there is less traffic tonight, but death was more certain in Accra! I should be pretty adjusted to the time zone tomorrow and I plan to go for a walk, or on a tour or something the hotel offers. I didn’t talk to them about it tonight though, I just wanted to rest!

I am going to go have a cold shower and crawl into my king sized bed and sleep the night away! I love you Canada (and England…) and hope life is going well so far without me! Congratulations, you have survived day one! :P Love you and hope to hear from you all soon!

Doubt.

You have left me in pieces

Where I should be whole

You have left me doubting

When I have no reason to doubt

You have left me questioning

When I have no reason to question

And you have left me hurting

Though no one is hurting me anymore.

You have left me hateful

When I am a loving person

You have left me questioning

If my beliefs in humanity are wrong

You have left me doubting

When the man in my life

Leaves me with no doubt at all.

And you still hurt me

You still have power

You still confuse me

You still hurt me.

When he does something

I automatically think

He is trying to hurt me

But that was only you.

He is nothing like you

He actually cares for me

He would never hurt me

He would never cheat on me

He would never do me wrong

Yet whenever he is distant

I doubt his love for me

And all this is because of you

And all you did to me.

How Dare You.

Who do you think you are?

What do you think you are doing?

Do you think it’s still going to work?

Do you think you are still in control?

How dare you.

How dare you say that to me

After all you have done

Where do you get off

Thinking you still have control

Where do you get off

Having anything to say to me

How dare you

Try to guilt trip me

After all this time

And all the mistakes you made

How dare you

Try to make me feel bad

For being happy without you

How dare you make me feel bad

For what you have done all along.

How dare you.

What were you thinking?

Where do you get off?

What a DAY!

What a day. Omg!

Yesterday, as I hope all my Canadian friends know, was our election. I was at the polling station for over 15 hours. The day went quickly even though we didn’t have all that many voters at my station. My partner in crime was an annoying old lady who just wanted to go smoke but wasn’t allowed. Somehow, she managed two cigarette breaks anyways; one by busting into tears that no one was being fair to her, including me. In a way, she was right, and in a way, she was ridiculous. With her sitting beside me, instructions were given (but directed at me) about how to do a certain thing. I did that one, but when I gave her the book and told her that it was actually her job, shit hit the fan. She didn’t know how because no one had talked to her about it. I had bumbled through the one I had done, but it wasn’t part of my job. I am all for helping out, but I was busy doing other things too! Anyways, she broke into tears and was sent to calm down.

Pretty much no one at the location I was at had ever done their job before, which is a great way to start something like this! But when the opportunity comes around once every four years, it’s hard to find trained people! We had three people from candidates that were watching us count the votes, and two of them sat with me. Good times! Eventually we got our votes counted, and had no real errors. Now the closing of the box and everything, which needed my supervisor to sign off everything as well. I finish with 3 other still left to close up. I (obviously) decide to help them as much as possible and get everyone home quickly. I didn’t leave from my 6 am start time, until 9:45 pm. Needless to say, I was exhausted, but on a second or third wind, maybe provided by some coffees and food kindly delivered to me!

I am also housesitting this week for two dogs. I come over here quickly (and ready for bed) and the dogs run out the front door when I open it. Luckily, they are good dogs, and when I said come in, they did. By 10:30 I am in bed. But, elections keep running through my head. I don’t actually get to sleep until about 2 am. 6 am when the dogs are up again comes really early. If I knew what a hangover felt like, I would say I felt hung over. Kick the dogs outside twice and off to work I go. I steal the parking pass from the car that was left behind by the people I am house sitting for on my way to work. I will later discover that this parking pass is expired, and that I have a ticket to pay now. Grr!

At work I get set up with doing things I have done for so long. Tedious work, but work which I am incredibly glad to have, just maybe not so much today. At coffee, I head for switchboard as I have been told I am the coverage. The girl has a doctor’s appointment, so I expect her to be a little late. At 11:30, I decide that I need my coffee break (which should have been 1030-11) so I put the phone on call forward to someone else and go for coffee. The girl on switchboard didn’t come back until after 1 pm (her lunch ended at 1). I have since been told that I can only have a half hour lunch since I have a doctor’s appointment and have to leave early. Fine, whatever, works for me. I grab my coat and keys and head back to the house to let the dogs out. The owners swore that neither of their dogs have ever had an accident in the house. I find dog shit through the hallway and by the door. At least he was going to where he should be let out! Kick the dogs out and clean up the poop, all the while trying to demolish my own lunch. Awesome. Bring the dogs back inside and back to work I go. I work for the next 2 hours and then leave to go to the immunization clinic where I am supposed to be getting any shots I need for China. I have to run home first because in all my planning, I didn’t bring my immunization card with me. Park a mile away from the office because I see a spot and think it might be the last… not even close. Then the clinic people tell me that the one shot I need (which they don’t think I need, but my contract says I do) is one that needs to be preordered. The supplier will only send a minimum $500 order, and that is one more vaccine than I require. Thankfully, I think Mom needs it too, so we can get it in! I will deal with that later in the week. However, the clinic still charged me for their time anyways. I walked out empty handed and $40 broker. The clinic also wants me to get my rabies shot, which doesn’t do a lot of anything; you still need to be treated if you get scratched or bitten! She says it buys you time, and costs at least my arm if not my leg too! Isn’t $350 for Japanese Enciphilitous enough!? Gawd!

I come back to the house and let the dogs out again. Thankfully, I have not found any poop yet. I make the dogs dinner and kick them outside (which is actually where they eat their dinner). As I go to set up my laptop, I notice something blue by the TV which looks out of place. Upon closer inspection, I realize that it is the panties I wore yesterday, torn to pieces. Awesome. Guess 17 hour sweaty panties are tasty. Thankfully, John agreed to come hang out with me here so I don’t have to go anywhere, and the dogs get to keep my amazing company for the night. Hopefully, nobody shits in the house for me! And hopefully, my hangover goes away!

Love you.

Not Ready for Goodbye

I just don’t get it. I get “in trouble” when I don’t apply for a job because I won’t be there for the full term of the position. So next time comes around, and I apply for a job that I won’t be there for the full position. This time, I get asked “what were you thinking? You can’t do the term.” How do I win in this situation? And, it’s all from the same person. I just don’t get it.

I am sure it is hormones talking, but today, I feel so close to tears. His changed mind has me wanting to cry. For that matter, so does moving to China. I will have to say some real goodbyes this summer. I think I want a couple weeks to travel in Canada. The more I think about it, the less logical it becomes to go to my Aunt’s wedding anniversary party for the July long weekend. But, I want to see my family before I leave. We may be separated, but I love them and miss them. I need time to see Dad and Tami, and some of not all of my cousins before I go. I need to say a goodbye to Nathaniel and to Marlene. I need to finish the photo album I started for Nate. I know that me leaving for a year is the end of him in my life. I cannot show up over a year later and expect the warm welcome I am used to. So I have to say goodbye. Maybe it’s way past time anyways. It’s been a year since his father and I broke up. I always claimed I would keep the relationship alive, but how do I do that from China? I might still send him a birthday/Christmas card, but I have to drift out. I feel this for all of Trav’s family all of a sudden actually. I feel like keeping a relationship with me is a burden we could all do without. It’s not as strained as it was when Trav and I weren’t talking, but I think it too has reached the closing point. Mom is sick and despite trying to remain positive, I would be surprised if I got to see her again after I left for China. I would like to remain a friend to them, but not the daughter like friend I wanted to be, and was. I will try to take Nate out there one weekend to say goodbyes to all of them. However, I am not letting go of Travis. He is still my best friend (if you didn’t gather that from my last post), and I will always love him. But I guess he can have his family back.

Since I came back from Vancouver and started looking for a job overseas, I have found myself drifting away from those that mean everything to me. If Nickolas gives me attitude, I give it right back at him, annoyed at him for the first time in four years. I know that we are both acting out against the goodbye that is coming, but it just makes me sadder. I do consider him to be my little brother, and in the last four years, we have had so many good times. I am definitely going to miss that little guy. I am trying to make up for my leaving by having the coolest time possible in the coming weeks. We are going to make his mother a birthday present. I think we will make mugs for ourselves as a memento. I am making a scrapbook which I want us to write notes in for each other. I probably actually have too much planned for remaining weeks. I hate the thought of saying goodbye to him. I hate to think of what happens with me gone. Does he get a new buddy? Will they connect? Will the new person help him as he reaches puberty? I certainly couldn’t help him with that.

And of course, there is also all of my friends. I will have to say a goodbye to them as well. It’s not like going to Ghana for a couple months anymore. It’s more permanent than my travels have been before. the 2-4 months I have left in the past is nothing. Now I am gone for a year. Best case scenario, I am home for maybe two months in the summer to see them again. Worst case scenario, I stay gone more than a year. Will they still be there when I come home? Will they write? Will anyone even care that I am gone and not on facebook anymore? Will they email? Or will I be cut from the loop completely? I am following a dream only a year in the making, but it is one I fully believe in. Why is this all hitting so hard? And why do I feel like I am losing everything that matters to me?

Lonely Talk

My unemployed stance has me in a difficult place. I am lonely. Every day, I try to find enough things to do to fight this off, but every day, the loneliness is there, just below the surface. I try to hide it, to suppress it, but it is always there. I am talking to many people online, but it’s not helping; it’s not the same as in person. I know that not one of you will support this, but I really miss Trav. Regardless of your opinion on the dear boy, he is still the best friend I have ever had. He understands me and I don’t have to do a lot of explaining. And, I miss him. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him, and want to talk to him. This isn’t really an option though. I do my best to deal with it.

Many of you are probably already thinking about how I am going to manage life in China, where I am effectively cut off from the internet world in which I know it. Just like I did in Ghana, I am going to be immersed in the culture. I am going to be busy. Yes, I will still have lonely moments. But, I will also be making new friends with the other teachers and people I come into contact with. It will be wonderful. And, I will Skype home as often as I can on a 15 hour time difference! I am not worried about life in China. It’s the unemployed nothing to do life that gets to me.

I haven’t written “poetry” in a long time, but in the last 8 days, I have written two. I am going to share these on my blog, for the first time.



Your Demands

I was minding my own business
Looking for things to buy
Out of no where
I was blindsided by a smile
I lost eight years in a second
I was 18 and falling in love
The flashback lasted about a minute
I dreamed it
Someone must have your smile
I told myself I was going crazy
But the more I watched you
The more I was sure it was you
You look different
But it’s been years
Since I last saw you
You kept making eye contact
And breaking it
Before I could even smile
Butterflies filled my stomach
This is crazy I thought
It’s probably not even you
I didn’t talk to you
Beyond those awkward glances
But I can’t stop thinking about you
And I am kicking myself
For not saying anything
I was obeying your wished
Wishes from so long ago
Wishes your eyes still portrayed
But now I can’t stop thinking
And wondering how you are
Wishing I had broken your demands
To fulfill my desire
To know if it was even you
And how you are today


One Week

It only took me a week
To say I couldn’t live without you
To declare you the
Best friend I ever had
Everyone called me foolish
After all, it had only been
One week

One week and I knew
I could never have you
The way I wanted to
I could never be your girl
A best friend would have to do
Every time you kissed me
I tried to convince myself
That we had to be friends

One year
One year and we were engaged
I had found my prince
And it had started in
One week

Now, two and a half years
Since I knew you were
My soul mate
I feel back in week one
I still need you
For all my ups and downs
For the good, the bad, and the ugly
For every amazing moment
And every moment that breaks my heart
My body, mind, heart and soul
Call your name

I know I could talk to you
I know you would understand
I know you would be my best friend
Instead, I search for someone else
And hope they can do the job
They try their best
So I try not to compare
But I still come back
Wishing I had called you instead

One week was all it took
I have spent the last year
Wishing you were still here
Missing everything we should have
I still need you
And I still want you near

It’s been a year
But it still feels like week one
Trying to convince myself
We are better off this way
I always said
I needed you in my life
And I would take you
In any way I could get
But it’s not enough
I still want more

It’s been a year
Two and a half since
Week One
Where my world changed
Forever
In just…
In just one week

Life Happens

Okay, let’s face it. I am depressed. I am not going to let it get me, BUT, it’s there. I am almost convinced I will not find an ESL job in PG, but despite having talked about it, don’t think I will be moving to Vancouver for it. I am just… more at home in PG than Vancouver. I don’t want to be worried about getting lost. I don’t want to worry about buses and all that. I know, a little pathetic of me, but whatever, it’s what I want, or think I want anyways. However, I am not being a total bum about it, although it does feel this way to me, and therefore, probably to you as well. I have applied for all the volunteer positions I can think of. I am going to set up a meeting with a director to talk to her about some options I have. I would enjoy doing some more observations along with maybe a class or two. I would enjoy subbing as well. So, I am going to do that. I am trying to find out if we still have an “ESL cafe” in town, and would be excited to take a part of that as well. Hopefully, at least one of these volunteer positions come true for me as well! I need a job, so, I will have to find something soon, ESL or not. Monday’s goals.

I am going to be one of four mentors working on the Go Girl Program this spring. This program is ran through Big Brothers and Big Sisters. It is aimed at pre-adolescent girls and is meant to help build confidence and self-esteem in these girls. It sounds like a pretty great program, and I am excited to have this opportunity. I had it last year, but it wasn’t the right time for me. A big part of this program which appeals to me on a professional level is that we are given basic lesson plans for each meeting, and we have to facilitate them. I am happy to have this chance to continue my teaching, even if not in an ESL environment. It also makes me happy to know that my teen story might inspire someone. I know I followed a very clean path, and it is possible that hearing this from me will encourage the girls to step away from the peer pressure they might feel to conform to fit in. In a lot of ways, I was a pretty typical teen. I was depressed. I bullied kids who I didn’t like. This did not become clear to me until long after high school ended, and I am a little ashamed of what I did. However, I have forgiven myself, and I have moved onto be the girl that you all know and love. I will have to tell this to these girls. It is a little scary to know that I will “bare my soul”, but I am at a point where I am ready to do this. This program starts in about mid-April, but my training is this week. This program will run for seven weeks (which will look like nine on the calendar because of two long weekends in there), for 2 hours a week. I am so excited!

I am still going to sign up for those two courses I talked about previously; they start April 20th. I am also signing up for a first aid course. I took Nathaniel sledding on Tuesday and when he scratched the heck out of his head, it was the scare of my young life. I thought he might have a concussion, and I quickly realized that I had no idea what a concussion looked like, or what to do about it. This event on cemented in my mind that I need a first aid course before I go overseas. If I do something dumb to myself, like fall in a sewage hole again, I need to know how to treat it myself! I won’t always have a Katherine around to play doctor! This is in May. Probably also in May I will have my yard sale for Relay for Life 2011 and United Hearts Children’s Centre. For those of you in PG, I will gladly take your yard sale treasures for this fundraiser! And of course, the Relay is in May as well! As you can tell, I have big plans for my summer here, and I have big plans for my future still. And of course, I am raising money for that too!

On a side note, mostly about Nathaniel’s mishap on the hill…. I had a mishap on the hill today too! I was cruising along, enjoying the perfect spring day… snow was sloshing behind me, and life was grand. And then, I had time to think “oh shit!” and “thank god I wear a helmet” before my face crashed into the snow. I don’t know the rest, but I landed hard on my back as well. My goggles were around my neck (making it hard to take off my helmet!) My little neck warmer thing was filled with snow. I wasn’t sure I could move. (I am pretty sure part of my back landed on something and will soon be bruised, but Mom says that she can see no damage to me yet). I yell curse words down the hill so that Mom at least knows I am alive. She asks if I am okay, and I answer with I think so, but I am not yet sure. My back hurt so much I didn’t know what to do. Once I caught the breath that this wicked fall had stolen away, I slowly sat up. Okay, good, my back merely hurts. I pull out a tissue to dry the snow off my face, and discover that somewhere, there is blood on my face. It takes me a bit to figure out that the bridge of my nose is bleeding a little. As I start to get re-dressed (there was snow everywhere!), I realize that I broke the inside lens of my goggles, and made a little crack in the outside of them. I figure it was the goggles breaking that made my nose bleed. And now that I am safely at home, my whole body is starting to hurt to move (and my back is even sorer). I had a bath, but tomorrow will still be a rough day. If I had more time to think thoughts as I flew to my death (I enjoy being dramatic), I would have also thought “this is going to hurt”. One of mom’s statements was pretty much just that : you will hurt in the morning! I joked that I did it to make Nate feel better, but Nate’s entire face was scratched from his sliding face first to a stop at the bottom of the sledding hill. As upset as I was about it, he shouldn’t have gone down on his face! Those were not my instructions to him! Nathaniel was really upset by the blood on his face, so I can only show you the picture I took when we got home today, of me!

I want to thank all of you for your thoughts, prayers and donations towards United Hearts Children Centre. What could have been a crisis with the roofing situation has been handled, and we are back to raising money for the inside of the orphanage. We couldn’t have gotten this far without you guys!

Anyways, that’s my week for you. Don’t worry, I am going to pull my shit together and get this back together. I have to drop off a criminal record check, mom and my passport renewals, go swimming?, I am going to apply everywhere and get a job, I am going to talk to people about ESL placements, and I am going to find volunteer work as well. I have my first interview with Georgia on Thursday, and I am going to get that job and go to Georgia for September! And I am a month ahead of university students, so I can get the best jobs!

I love you, my dear friends.