Not Ready for Goodbye

I just don’t get it. I get “in trouble” when I don’t apply for a job because I won’t be there for the full term of the position. So next time comes around, and I apply for a job that I won’t be there for the full position. This time, I get asked “what were you thinking? You can’t do the term.” How do I win in this situation? And, it’s all from the same person. I just don’t get it.

I am sure it is hormones talking, but today, I feel so close to tears. His changed mind has me wanting to cry. For that matter, so does moving to China. I will have to say some real goodbyes this summer. I think I want a couple weeks to travel in Canada. The more I think about it, the less logical it becomes to go to my Aunt’s wedding anniversary party for the July long weekend. But, I want to see my family before I leave. We may be separated, but I love them and miss them. I need time to see Dad and Tami, and some of not all of my cousins before I go. I need to say a goodbye to Nathaniel and to Marlene. I need to finish the photo album I started for Nate. I know that me leaving for a year is the end of him in my life. I cannot show up over a year later and expect the warm welcome I am used to. So I have to say goodbye. Maybe it’s way past time anyways. It’s been a year since his father and I broke up. I always claimed I would keep the relationship alive, but how do I do that from China? I might still send him a birthday/Christmas card, but I have to drift out. I feel this for all of Trav’s family all of a sudden actually. I feel like keeping a relationship with me is a burden we could all do without. It’s not as strained as it was when Trav and I weren’t talking, but I think it too has reached the closing point. Mom is sick and despite trying to remain positive, I would be surprised if I got to see her again after I left for China. I would like to remain a friend to them, but not the daughter like friend I wanted to be, and was. I will try to take Nate out there one weekend to say goodbyes to all of them. However, I am not letting go of Travis. He is still my best friend (if you didn’t gather that from my last post), and I will always love him. But I guess he can have his family back.

Since I came back from Vancouver and started looking for a job overseas, I have found myself drifting away from those that mean everything to me. If Nickolas gives me attitude, I give it right back at him, annoyed at him for the first time in four years. I know that we are both acting out against the goodbye that is coming, but it just makes me sadder. I do consider him to be my little brother, and in the last four years, we have had so many good times. I am definitely going to miss that little guy. I am trying to make up for my leaving by having the coolest time possible in the coming weeks. We are going to make his mother a birthday present. I think we will make mugs for ourselves as a memento. I am making a scrapbook which I want us to write notes in for each other. I probably actually have too much planned for remaining weeks. I hate the thought of saying goodbye to him. I hate to think of what happens with me gone. Does he get a new buddy? Will they connect? Will the new person help him as he reaches puberty? I certainly couldn’t help him with that.

And of course, there is also all of my friends. I will have to say a goodbye to them as well. It’s not like going to Ghana for a couple months anymore. It’s more permanent than my travels have been before. the 2-4 months I have left in the past is nothing. Now I am gone for a year. Best case scenario, I am home for maybe two months in the summer to see them again. Worst case scenario, I stay gone more than a year. Will they still be there when I come home? Will they write? Will anyone even care that I am gone and not on facebook anymore? Will they email? Or will I be cut from the loop completely? I am following a dream only a year in the making, but it is one I fully believe in. Why is this all hitting so hard? And why do I feel like I am losing everything that matters to me?