I Need Ghana.

Yesterday I realized, as I was trying to sleep that I could no longer imagine being in Ghana without the aid of pictures I had taken while there. My babies have long been the screen saver on my computer and the other day, I had to stop and think about a child's name. When did this happen? When did the presence of these children become a memory to me? And a fading memory at that? Everything that I am is because these children help shape me here. Everything I do is because these children taught me to do it. I thrive in my life to do something that will help these children, and others like them. How is it possible that they are fading away from me?

I had talked briefly about not doing to Ghana in December in order to please my new employer who I have yet to start work for. Today, as I thought about all that I have already lost about them, I cannot find myself doing that. I need to see them. I need them now. I need to hear their voices. I need to feel their touch. I need to feel the love they gave me. I need to see their way of life. I need to hold them in my arms. I need to help them with their chores and their homework and their daily lives. I need to do this before I forget them completely. Right now, with them fading away from me, I feel like I cannot do anything. I feel like I need to lay down and cry for the dreams I have lost. I feel like they are gone, and therefore, I am nothing. I know it sounds silly. But I am practically having a panic attack about what it will be like if I make it back (did you hear that if? That's how my thinking is going). Will they remember me? Will I have ever mattered? Will they be the same? Or will they have changed beyond recognition? Will I have changed beyond recognition? Will they even care that I am back? How can I live my dreams when those who inspired it seem gone from me?

I need to go. I need to book my ticket, so I can have a count down. It is no longer a want of my world. Today, it feels as though my life depends on going back one more time. How does one talk to their employer about missing the Christmas rush because they need to be in Ghana when one hasn't even started work. What am I supposed to do? Should I have said it already? Am I too late to say it now? I will need a job when I get home still. I don't want to get fired before I start! But I need Ghana. And I need Ghana now. I am going crazy with missing the children. I am going crazy with my desire. Every time I work on something about Ghana, I feel this lump rise in my throat. I cannot breath with missing them. I cannot remember why they smiled so sillyly at my camera at that time. I cannot hear the Twi spoken around me. My own Twi words sound wrong to my ears.

Oh Children, help me through this, until I can come see you again.

Losing You.

Your voice is fading
From my memory
I can no longer
Hear your laughter
Even when I close my eyes
I know I only see
The pictures on my computer screen

I promised myself
I would never reach this point
I spent months
Committing you to memory

I haven't forgotten you
I just don't remember
As easily as I did
When we first had to part

I still think of you daily
You always make me smile
Sometimes the memory
Of your love
Even makes me cry

I miss you desperately
I need to see you again
But When? And How?

I fear you won't remember me
I fear the reunion
Might be
Bittersweet.

Will seeing you again
Be enough for me?
Will it be the same?
Or will I only regret
All the miles between us
And all the time we have lost?

You changed my life
The first time we touched
I want your laughter
To ring in my ears again
I want your smile
To light my way

I want to be by your side
I never want to be without you
I miss you so much
I didn't expect these feelings
To linger

I miss you.
I love you.
I need you.

Someday.
Somehow.

I will never forget
All the ways you
Changed my life
Forever.

My Best Friend (is missing)

I know you lied to me
I don't know what is the truth
And what is a lie

But I do know
That is cannot all be a lie
I know that at least
At least our connection was real

I know that you were my best friend
And I know you were the best I ever had
I know that you understood me
And I know that you cared

I know that you let me in
I know that you know that
I understood you as well

I want to talk to you again
No matter how hard I try
It's only you I want around

I have made new friends
I have branched out
But I still want to talk to you
I still want to call you my best friend

I know you miss this about us too
Our friendship couldn't be a lie
Our friendship was real
Even with all the lies.

I miss you.
I miss my best friend

I know I cannot pursue this
I know you will not let me
I also know that it will cause you
To lose the new girl
And that is not what I want
I only want my friend back

I think about calling you all the time
I pray for you every night
And I beg for a friend like you
To come back into my life.

Sometimes I feel so lonely
I know you will understand
I know I won't even have to explain

But I cannot call you.
And I miss you so much.
I hope you can be my friend
Again someday soon.

Ummm... Me.

Hello my blog following friends! Hard to believe I have not updated you on my life in over a week! Well, luckily for you, I have time to catch up tonight! :P

I ended up working most of last week – it seems that with all the smoke and ash in the air, people were having troubles breathing and what not. Good news for Jenna, maybe not such good news for them. And because they called me in at 8 am, I sauntered in with Tim Hortons whenever I got to town. They knew I would need at least an hour seeing as I was living half an hour out of town at the time! It was a busy week – unfortunately one of our people was taken to emergency from work one day, so I spent 2 days rearranging all of his appointments.

Mom and I went to Bryan Adams. I think it was the best show I have ever seen him put on, and I have been to at least three of his shows here in town. He rocked the CN Centre and the concert had “limited seating available.” It's nice to see an old timer fill the 'plex like that! And he played all of his favorites, all of our favorites, and played for a good 2 hours. We got a double encore out of him! However, getting into the house around midnight was a hard idea for me to accept! Thursday morning sure came early!

On Thursday evening I learned that the people I was house-sitting for were coming home Friday night and not Saturday afternoon like they had thought they would. So Friday after work, I cleaned the house of the ash which had flooded it and moved on home! I was so excited for my own bed that I didn't sleep well in it!

Reba McEntire is coming to town! I am excited about that! I saw Reba at Merritt one year, and I thought she danced like a robot but I am still excited that she is coming to town! Jordan and I will be going to see her. :) Should be a good time!

Maybe this is why I skipped the blog for a week – this is really mundane stuff!

I have decided that I will attend Global Village in January. They emailed me today and told me that next years schedule should be out next week, and that unofficially there was a course running in January and February. Erin says I can live with her for the time I am there. That will be nice! At least I won't have to worry about accommodation as well! I brought home the application forms today, but obviously I cannot do it until they have set the dates for the program. I wanted to take it at Kwantlen, but Kwantlen apparently no longer offers the program even though it is on every website telling you where the course is offered.

I got hired at Walmart yesterday. I will be a cashier at some point down the road. They had an orientation today, which I had to miss because I actually have work this week. They told me the next one should be in a couple of weeks, and until I go to an orientation I cannot start work. I told them that was just fine with me, as I am working until September 3 as a casual at the college. This might have to change my Ghana plans. Maybe I take my program in January and go to Ghana afterward? I want to ask Walmart when I go in next if it is possible to take 2-3 months off and come back afterward. I don't want to quit when I go to school, I am still going to need a job when I return! And OBVIOUSLY I find that a difficult thing to do! I know they won't be happy if I take December off though, so that is why I am thinking about rearranging my plans for Ghana. I don't want to post pone it, I want to go NOW! But, I understand that it might be necessary for my future. I can't believe it took Walmart over a month to offer me a position anyways! And it is only part time to start! I am sure they told me it would be full time! But apparently you need to apply as a part time person for any full time positions which come up within the store! Definitely things I never knew about Walmart before yesterday!

I am still fighting exhaustion. I called my doctor today, but they only work half days on Tuesday and I didn't know that. I will call again tomorrow. I really need something to change in this! I am so tired I can barely function, and I am sleeping well at night! I am still having dreams, but they have changed drastically. Volunteers from Ghana are often in them, but it is never our children these days. Sometimes I can't hear their voices; I can't see their smiles. It makes me feel incredibly lonely when it is like I forget them all! I just want to go back and hold them all! I want to make everything better for them! But at this point, I can barely walk home from work without needing a nap. I am once again not swimming today, because I don't have the energy to walk to the pool let alone to jump in and swim at least 20 laps! I know, that is probably the wrong answer, but I am sure I don't have the energy to do it. I spent most the day telling myself I would go, but all I want is a nap. I fear that I am fighting a cold or sickness. I feel that run down for no reason.

For some reason this week, I cannot get Travis off of my mind. I walk to work and conversations that made my heart smile flow through my mind. I think of Nathaniel and then think of all the times the three of us were together. I hear a song, and I think about Travis. I am not sure what the deal is with that. I just hope he is okay. I am trying to refrain from texting him about it, as I am sure that is not my role. I don't want to cause problems for him and his girlfriend! I am just not sure why he is in my mind so much right now. A part of me wants to believe it is because I know something is wrong, this part encourages me to talk to him; to make sure he is okay; to offer to help if I can. Most of me tells me I am being silly. This part convinces me not to ask him. He texted me today, so I did tell him that I was worried about him and here if he needed someone to talk to. He said he didn't. At least now I can tell myself that I tried. I just... I like being a fixer, and I want to help!!!

anyways, I think my tired brain is too scattered to really write. I thought I had so many witty things to say and so much to talk about, but all I have done is babble randomly!

I love you! I hope you know that.

Pirates and Coyotes

I have had an incredible weekend. I have an incredible life. I of course, will start where we left off.

Friday I did my nine hours in the PGX parking lot. It was fun. By the last 2 hours, I was pretty done, but I kept going. Barb apparently thought that I was doing 12 hours, and I said I could, but she said, no you can go home when you planned. Thank goodness! I grabbed some clean clothes from the house and drove on up to Beaverly where I crashed hard into my bed. I had made this dumb plan to go to the Fair again at 10 am on Saturday. So, morning came early on Saturday, and I crawled out of bed and made my way back to the fair to hang out with Jess for the day. (Jess is one of my new friends that I am making, I really like her). I get to the fair and mouth Barb off, just because I can. She looked shocked at first that someone was talking to her like that (Look here old Lady. I don’t care what you say, you have no control over where I park, you Old Lady) but when she saw that it was me, she mouthed me right back off. The other person working at the gate looked shocked, but we both laughed. After I parked I went and said hello to her nicely.

Jess and I hit the fair at about 10 am. We watched the dog agility shows – those are pretty cool actually! I have never watched one before. The dogs have been well trained to be able to do all that they do! And some of them were so fast! Watching a greyhound weave like an alpine ski racer was hilarious! We went to the petting zoo. Jess made me come inside with her, but I didn’t touch any of the animals at all. I took pictures of her though. The goats were funny: they would eat anything. I felt my shorts being pulled on and realized that I had a small goal eating the strings off my cut-offs. He then moved to Jess’s leg and tried to eat her pants as well. They were mostly male goats in the pen, and they were all very pushy when she tried to feed them. I watched them headbutt each other to get into the place where Jess had the food. It was a good time. We had lunch and watched Elton John and Rod Stewart rock out to a crowd of maybe 50 people. They are called the Cross Atlantic Crossing and they do a really good impersonating show of the Beatles as well. Jess went home about 2 and I went to help in the parking lot for another hour until Mom came to join me at the Fair. She had told me she would get a Henna tattoo with me, as long as there wasn’t a long line up for it. So, we did! We got the same tattoo on our right ankles, but at different places because of the shoes we were wearing. Saturday ended up being a late night as well, and I didn’t even go to the 27 Million Voices Fundraiser that I was going to go to! Mom and I left the fair at about 5 but still had to go grocery shopping before dinner. I again went straight to bed and crashed hard. My 5:30 am alarm came far too soon! I stumbled out of bed again and started my great Sunday!

I picked Nathaniel up at 8 yesterday. He was still sleeping when I got there, and you could tell his Mama just got out of bed too, probably when I texted her to say I was on my way to pick him up. We had a quiet ride out to Vanderhoof where we went to see Travis’s cousin and her 15 month old son for a little visit. Nathaniel actually played shy, hanging onto my leg for a while. I have never seen that side of him! I remember the first day I met him we wrestled with each other! But Desiree does have a big dog who was barking at us, and I know he is afraid of dogs (like me). Since he hadn’t eaten breakfast, Desiree offered to make us breakfast. She listed off all the things she could make him and he seemed to ignore her, playing with Zach’s toys. He then came to me, and whispered in my ear what he would like for breakfast, so I asked Desiree for him. He did loosen up as the hour went on, and he started talking away. Desiree had a hard time understanding him, but I was able to catch most of it. I don’t think Desiree would have seen him since Trevor’s wedding last June though, so that would be hard to get as well. I know I still struggle with most of his words, but he is definitely improved in the last year! Neither Zach nor Nathaniel are really used to sharing their toys, so they did have a little bit of a power struggle, but no one cried, so that is always a good start! By the time we left, both boys were playing hide and go seek without really knowing what they were doing. They weren’t really talking to each other, but they were laughing and everything, so that was good to see.

Our visit made me realize how little contact Nathaniel has with his extended family. Most of Travis’s cousins have kids. Nathaniel is the oldest of them all, but the others are not far behind him. Those kids could have so much fun with each other! I somewhat decided that I was going to do what I can to get him back into their lives as well. I want to take him out to Grandma and Grandpa Reynolds house one day too. I am now trying to work with Travis to get Nathaniel out to Quesnel for a visit with him as well. He says he doesn’t have any money for gas to even drive around Quesnel let alone get back to PG. And if Trav won’t work with me, I know his family will work with me to see Nathaniel so, whatever right. I want to see the Grand Reynolds again too. I had almost forgotten that technically they bought me my engagement ring. Obviously I cannot get too involved in the family again, but it breaks my heart how much Nathaniel is missing out on. As we drove back to PG last night, he was chatting the whole way. I told him that I was going to try to drive him to see his Daddy, but that I had to talk to his daddy, his mommy, and my mommy to be able to plan it, so it might take me a while. He thought that was an alright idea. Trav called last night to give his mom his new number, and I had Nathaniel call him back. Nathaniel then told Daddy that he was going to talk to Jenna now, so we had a 2 minute chat. I told him that when he called Nathaniel the other day, Nathaniel had come out of the conversation with Daddy is coming to get me. He sighed and told me that was not what he had said. I knew that. We didn’t really talk about much else before I gave the phone over to Marlene. I then texted him and told him we might be able to work together on this whole adventure, he hasn’t texted me back. But he and Krystal were busy yesterday and my texts probably get him in trouble. At least yesterday was all about Nathaniel not anything else!

Sorry, I keep getting sidetracked. Desiree and I visited for a while and then Nathaniel and I had to carry on to Grammy and Papa’s house. We got there about noon. Grammy was expecting some friends to join us for lunch, so we waited for them. Papa and Nathaniel, of course, found trouble to get into outside. After lunch, I went outside with the boys to see what was going on. I was examining the Pirate Ship they added to their playground and Derek came over to tell me all about the plans he had for it. Next thing I know, Nathaniel is up in the boat too, and they are pirates on a mission. Derek had said that we were going to go out to the spring to bring in some more water, but he was having such a good time! They were anchoring every couple of minutes. There were coyotes attacking the ship, and shooting at Nathaniel, who got hit by a bullet from Coyotes gun. They found a doctor on the roof of the cabin on the boat. Nathaniel was saved. They caught a shark for dinner, and it flopped about while they cooked and ate it. They found mermaids and bears. I took a video of it, it was so funny! Those two have so much imagination! Then the water guns came out, and they ran all around the property shooting at each other. Dinner was late, of course. Nathaniel and I didn’t leave the farm until about 7, when I had planned for us to be home by 8! Papa had been talking about the world’s biggest water bomber being parked in Francois Lake. So Nathaniel and I (despite the late hour) had to pop into Fraser Lake and look at the big airplane. I explained how it would fight the fires that were on the other side of the mountain making it smoky for us right now. He thought it was pretty cool. We ran down all the docks and boardwalks in the area and then got back into the truck to head home. We left Fraser Lake at 8. Nathaniel for the first time ever, talked the whole way home. Normally he is asleep pretty soon after we leave. We talked about how I don’t like that he plays with guns, because I think guns are scary. He told me they were play guns not real guns. It seemed like maybe he understood where I was coming from. Travis and my approach before was “guns are not toys. Little boys do not play with guns.” I am not sure, but I think maybe my reasons were more logical to him. We talked about how everyone was going the wrong way – we were the ones going the right way, and anyone going the other way must be a friend of Papa’s going to visit him at this late hour. He makes me laugh so hard! It’s even better now that he is starting to have a real conversation with people! He really is the sweetest little boy ever! We saw a bear just outside of Vanderhoof, and it happened to be somewhere where I could turn off the highway. I think he might have caught a glimpse of it before I pulled off the highway, but as I went slowly down the side road, the bear went in front of us. I heard a “COOOL” from the backseat. He says that he has never really seen a bear before. I was happy that it had been in a location that I could give him that as well. We then talked a little about how bears are afraid of humans, and definitely do not need to be shot either. We are just coming into the bowl when Nathaniel tells me that he is going to pee his pants, and he cannot wait until we get to his house. I pull into a gas station, and we head to the bathroom. Here we discuss the poop he is having. I have never talked to someone so much about the poop coming from their body as I did last night with Nathaniel. If the girls in the store could hear us, I am sure they were laughing so hard! I finally get him home, and his uncle had almost given up on him coming home tonight, we were so much later than planned. I had texted his mother, but if she was working, she probably didn’t have her phone with her to tell her brother the change in plans.

I get to bed at midnight, by the time I go to the house and get the clothes I need for today and change vehicles. I ignored Robert at 8 when he started meowing. I didn’t move when he climbed all over me. He went to sleep instead of needing to be fed. I got up at 11 but still feel like I could sleep forever. I am trying to avoid coffee today, as I had 3 big cups of it yesterday. Mom says she needs me at the house tonight, so I am hoping that we can finish early enough that I can watch a movie and still go to bed early. I should call Walmart today, because they told me on Friday that they would call me back within 15 minutes and they didn’t. I don’t feel like it today though, so I am not going to. I guess I will have to tomorrow. But, being this tired because I had an amazing weekend is totally worth the ‘pain’ I am in! My life is exactly where it needs to be!

Smiling

I came in from watching the Meteor shower because it is time for bed, but my mind seems to think that is a bad idea still. First of all, I still am in love with the sky. You will remember way back in the day, when I professed love for the sky (admitting a little bit of a fetish even) after falling in love under the Northern Lights. I continue to think that a night watching the stars is one of the most romantic date ideas out there. Tonight, I lay outside wrapped in a blanket by myself, and only slightly missed someone at my side. I watched an incredible meteor shower which is supposed to peak tonight and continue for a couple days. They estimated that there would be 90 meteors an hour. I didn’t see that many in my 50 minutes outside, but I saw enough to make it well worthwhile. It struck me as odd though. How can the Earth, spinning in one direction, presumably into a “cloud” of particles outside the earth, have meteors penetrate from such varying angles? The sky is so big that I knew I was missing ones above my head, and more out of sight on the horizon. They came from anywhere, and went any direction. For some reason, I thought that they should all at least be heading the same direction, but no, not even close. Anyways, it was incredible. I am once again thankful for all the blessings we have on this planet. It is such an incredible thing to witness.

I talked to Travis tonight. I know many of you won’t approve, but I still miss the man that I called my best friend. I know that man lied to me, but I still care. I know that I don’t know what is truth or not, but I know that I knew him beyond his lies. I knew when to walk away for the day; I knew when to push my way in. I knew how to deal with his emotions for the most part. I have no interest in dating him again at all, and I told him such in point blank terms tonight in our texting conversation. He said that he knew that and deserved that. Don’t get me wrong, we were not even discussing it. We were actually talking about his current relationship and how it is going, but my thoughts had to come from someone that wasn’t involved in any way, and that is who they were coming from, I just needed to make sure he knew that. Anyways, we actually chatted for quite a while. He said he was surprised and a little saddened to hear that my ultimate life goals take me out of Canada for a somewhat permanent basis. I announced that was why I was single and not looking – I will not let anyone hold me back from my dreams, or from being me again. I have found me. I love me. I am proud of me. I am excited for my dreams, which are obtainable and accessible. I don’t know exactly where my life is going, but I am happy with the direction. And for the first time, I am happy alone. Sure, I like being in a relationship, and in some ways, I want one again. But I know I am leaving as soon as the opportunity arises, and I get closer to that every day. Today I talked to someone who hires ESL teachers. She told me that the only people she hires are those with CELTA, and in a brief web search in her office, we pulled up random jobs, looking for people with CELTA. None of these said it on the link what they needed. So, I have decided to go with CELTA. It is the most recognized. The curriculum is the same wherever you take it. My source says that it is the only one that is recognizable between provinces in Canada for ESL teachers. Although Vancouver Community College has a good TESOL program, I was informed that it is not recognized by any other province. So, in order to not shut doors on myself before I ever start, I am going to go with CELTA. She gave me a book about getting into teaching abroad – a self help book of sorts – it walks you through applying for jobs, which jobs are better, what to look for and all of that. I am now excited again. I am still a little nervous about the one month learning period, but I am sure it will be fine. Of course, I am still looking for a high grade in it as well! Global Village in Vancouver has one going on November 7th. I could head to Ghana after that. We will have to see what my life entails for a while. Right now, I don’t know what Monday holds, let alone beyond that! I do however have plans for the next 3 days!

For now, back to Travis. I encouraged him to follow his dreams. I asked him (as a best friend would, without being mean or vindictive) if his current relationship was a long term relationship, or if he should follow his own dreams? He says he wants to join the Navy. I actually think it would be good for him, if he could pass the tests and get in. His girlfriend doesn’t like the idea (neither did I when I was dating him for that matter). I maintain that you have to have happiness in your life before you can find happiness with others. Therefore, if the relationship stops him from having that, he should not be in it. I can now see the same about our relationship, and I am thankful that he left me. I didn’t know I had dreams when I agreed to marry him. I had myself convinced that one trip to Africa would satisfy me, not start a spark for my future. We had a really nice chat. I told him some things that I expected him to get mad about, but I thought I should say anyways. He didn’t get angry. He didn’t stop talking. I even told him that I thought he needed to call Nate so that Nate could still call him Dad as well. He told me knew that, but that he was happy that Nate had someone that he could call a real father. The conversation left me smiling. In some ways, it still feels like love. But I will always love him. Just not in the way I once did. If he will be a true friend, I am happy to take him back into my life. I still check up on him at least once a month. I still pray for him every night (and not like that country song “I Pray for You”). The Navy might just straighten him out enough that he can be a ‘normal’ human being again. We also talked a little about the state of our world – in regards to my need to not be in the ‘civilized’ world, and the useless state of our “aid” from this world. Some of it was based around “Shake Hands with the Devil” which he has almost finished reading. I admit that was my first and only real look into the UN Peacekeepers, but it saddened me about the state of what we are doing to other countries. I know my army friends don’t support this, but I am not sure we should have peace keepers, not because I don’t believe in keeping the peace, but because I don’t believe we are doing it, and often we make matters worse. At any rate, talking to Travis again was nice. I haven’t had ‘real’ talks in a long time.

I think I need my counselor back. I want to talk to her about all these new developments in my life. I am sad that I have to start again with a new counselor in the fall. But, maybe we can leave Travis behind me, and just work on… everything else this time around. Maybe the new one will have insight into my dreams.

I was a super hero at the fair today. It was Awesome. I had a cape that read “Dare to be a Kid” on the back in the Superman symbol. No one talked to us about our capes, but it was still fun to do! I am excited for my 9 hours in the parking lot tomorrow as well. I kinda love Barb! I have to call Walmart in the morning, because the manager promised to call me today with what was going on with my file, but I did not hear from her. I am tired of playing this game now! They are going to keep hearing from me until they figure it out. If I wasn’t so darn lazy, I would find another job. I am not sure this is somewhere I want to be! But I am looking at it as a means to an end as well. I am bored and need a job. I need some income. And I need it only until I figure out what I am doing when. It is such a short term solution that it seems alright to continue to beg for a job there. As Mom says, I am stubborn like that, and even though I shouldn’t I fight my way through some things. It’s like my heart is set on Walmart and so there I will work. I think it is possibly because I don’t want to go through my lower ranked employers since Walmart is the only company to even give me an interview!


Anyways. It is late and I have a long day tomorrow.

With a smile on my lips, I say goodbye to today. I love you!

Do you?

When you walk the routes we once took
Do you think about me or just the girl your with?
When you visit places we once went
Do you remember me at all?

When you see me on the street,
What is your reaction like?
Do you remember the good times?
Or only the bad?

Does the sight of me make you angry?
Does it make you sad?
Does it make you want to run away?
Or do you just pretend you do not know me?

Do you ever wonder how I am?
Or what I am doing now?
Do you ever think of me?
And wish me well?

What are you doing here?
Why do I keep running into you this way?
I haven’t seen you in years
Now it’s becoming often.

Every time I see you
My heart stops in my chest
A lump fills my throat
My hands turn to ice
I find it hard to breath

Why do I react to you this way?
Is it because you are happy and I am not?
Is it because you said you were through?
Is it because you were the closest to Real
That I have ever found?
Or is it because you are gone?

I do not miss you
Although I remember what we had
And I know, I let go of the best
The best I ever had
We couldn’t have worked
I have new dreams and goals
I am leaving and no one will hold me down

Is it just you I react this way to?
Would it be the same if you were someone else?
Can anyone have the same effect on me
That you are having now?

I know we had a good time
I know it was real
But I am thankful we ended
So that I could follow these dreams
These dreams I never knew I had.

We no longer know each other
But I could have sworn
I felt you glare at me today
When I passed you on the street
You couldn’t have known it was me
It probably wasn’t even a glare
But it cut to my soul

I felt a sudden urge to talk to you
To tell you about me
To learn about you
To meet your future wife
And wish you both well

Instead I kept on driving
With tears threatening to fall
Wondering why you had this effect on me
And if you even cared.

The Walmart Saga

The Walmart Saga continues. On Monday I called and was told that I have had my second interview (who keeps doing all these things for me!? And why am I not informed!?). I tell the girl that I have not had a second interview, I do not have a position. Once again, she says she will look into it. So, today, I am trying to make plans for Sunday, to go see Marlene and Derek, and Nathaniel. I call Walmart AGAIN. This time I get the manager of personnel. Maybe this is who I needed all along! My name means nothing to her though. She says that I need that second interview, and that orientation is not yet in the works as they do not have enough people yet. Fair enough, I can accept that. She promises to look into it tomorrow for me, when the girl I have been talking to is back. I give her the heads up that there has been some problems with my file. She promises to call me tomorrow. I give her my cell and house number. She also tells me that they need people in the deli. Not really my idea of fun, but I could do it! I just want a job! However, I feel a little better having talked to someone else – at least as the manager she might look into it for me! At any rate, Sunday should be a go!

Tomorrow I am being a SuperHero at the Fair to promote BBBS – all mentors are SuperHeros! I told someone at CNC this and got the what's wrong with doctors, nurses, firefighters... aren't they SuperHeros? I was like wtf woman! Of course they are, however, tomorrow I am promoting Big Brothers and I get to wear a cape. God she annoys me! Friday I am directing traffic at the fair most of the day. It is normally pretty fun, so I am looking forward to that as well. Saturday I might actually do the fair. Sunday I am going out to Fraser Lake, with a stop in Vanderhoof to see one of Trav's cousins. It should be a great day!

And now that I have my Walmart frustrations out for the world to care about, I am going back to sunbathing!

Love you!

Dreams and things

I find myself in a weird place. I know it is that time again, but I never know if that is to blame.

I am not having so many killing dreams these days, instead, I am having dreams about my exes. These dreams always leave me feeling sad come morning. All three of my main, recent exes have visited me in dreams. In one, Dennis and Travis actually had a fight over who got to keep me!

I do not know if it is the dreams, or my hormones, or what, but after the dreams, I seem vindictive. I find myself proposely trying to remember all the times that Travis let me down. I never think of a good time, only the bad. This makes me sad as well. It is not something I want to do. I don’t think of Travis very often (and I think about the others even less). The pain is in my past, why do I keep rehashing it up?

I saw Marc on Friday. I saw him, and asked mom if it was him, when she said yes, I begged to go the other way in the store. She said I could, so I did. I still do not know why I did it. Marc made it very clear that he did not want me in his life – no contact or anything. So my original though when I asked to flee was for his sake. I know that it would have been awkward for both of us, and probably his fiancé too. I told myself I was just avoiding that awkward situation, and that I was doing as he requested. Now I am wondering if I did it all for me? I don’t know. I know I felt upset all of Friday night, and the feeling continues to bother me. Is it because I chose the wrong route? It is because I chose the right route, but ignored how I would like to deal with the situation? It is completely selfish in that I don’t like his decision to not want me in his life, when all I want is to be his friend? I don’t think he realizes that I am so happy that he is engaged. I don’t think he realizes that I hold no hard feelings to our failed relationship. Of course he does. I am just being selfish and stubborn. I am happy that everyone of my relationships have failed, because I finally feel like I am almost where I am supposed to be: heading overseas. I am far more sure about this stage of my life than I have ever been in a relationship. The relationships always feel good at the time, but I am incredibly thankful that this door has opened to me, which could not have happened in the relationships I was in.

Sigh

I know this isn’t a very good blog – I think this one is really more just to talk about the mixed feelings I have, and how they are affecting me….

Smokey the Bear Says...

A month ago, a Vancouver Radio station referred to Prince George as the “Armpit of BC” while doing a contest for Elton John tickets, here in PG. Of course, the city took big offence to it. Tonight, as I look out a window to where I can hardly see anything due to the smoke in the air, I think I would prefer to be the Armpit than the Chimney. Pollution doesn’t burn the throat and eyes. Pollution has never made me feel immediately sick. I feel a bit like I always did after spending a week with Dad when he smoked everywhere and anywhere. I always came home sick from those trips. It’s only been an hour since I smelt the smoke blow into our city. I know it has been a little hazy and we have had those amazing red balls of fire sunsets, but I hadn’t really smelt the smoke this time – not like when Vanderhoof was on fire in June. Sam and I walked to Tim Hortons, and when we came out, all of a sudden it was smoky. Soon, the hills surrounding the city disappeared. It didn’t take long before it started to need effort to breath. My throat hurts. My eyes are stinging. All I want is a breath of polluted air, but all I breathe is smoke. Selfishly, I hoped that the smoke was like fog, and as I left the bowl, I hoped to find cleaner air. For those of you that know where I grew up, I came over the Big Hill on the highway, and couldn’t see the road. I could see the trees that surround the road, but I could not see Jensen Road itself. I am not used to seeing “fog” out that way – normally the smell of the pollution, and the fog, collects within the bowl area. It didn’t get any better the further out I got. Mom suggested that I find all the cats, because she figures it must be very close to be this smoky. I know there is a fire in Quesnel, and I know there is a fire at Pelican Lake (out Blackwater, close to Quesnel I think). It seems to be coming from the West of town, which is where I am staying for a month. I have no idea how I will play this game if there does become a problem – what will I do with the three cats? But, I just listened to the radio news for tonight, and they merely said that there is an air quality warning in PG, which means the buses run for free until the warning is lifted. They did not say where the newest/nearest fire is from.

I know most of you have probably lived through this adventure in the past. I however, have not. Forest fires have always been somebody else’s real problem. This is the first year that I remember one being in the North, and near Prince George. I do not remember ever having to breathe smoke in town. I have had friends on evacuation notice this year. Worse, is that it is the entire province this year. In my head, I kind of hope for an evacuation notice so that I can escape the smoke – but where can we go? I don’t want one because that makes it even more real, and we don’t need it real! I remember sitting on the other side of Okanagan Lake, watching the fire burn the mountain across the lake. I do not remember the smoke being like it is here today.

It is supposed to rain tonight. I hope that the rain suppresses the smoke, and that wind helps to disperse it. I pray for the entire province. I know that forest fires can help forests grow healthier. I know that with all the dead pine we have, this was inevitable. It is still a horrible thing for us, for our province. I pray that the province and all of its residents come out of this ok. And yes, Amber, I pray for the Yukon and you guys as well. As you said, it is more real when you are on 48 hour evacuation notice!

Please. Butt out properly. Do you remember the Barrier Fire? It was caused by a single man, who didn’t butt out properly. Think about that when you take your next smoke. http://www.princegeorgecitizen.com/article/20100804/PRINCEGEORGE0101/308049986/hey-butt-out

If they evacuate you, please just go! You have a chance to grab your most precious things (which you don’t get for just a house fire). Grab those and go. Don’t stop to chop firewood! http://www.princegeorgecitizen.com/article/20100802/PRINCEGEORGE0101/308029993/-1/PRINCEGEORGE0101/evacuee-felled-by-his-own-tree-falling

And Remember:
http://bcwildfire.ca/MediaRoom/Ads/2010_Numbers/handout.pdf

PS the Pictures are from tonight, looking at UNBC from the back of the parking lot, and one from a view point that normally show cases most of the City.

Stalker Kitten

Four nights into house-sitting out here in Beaverly. 30 minutes to get to town. 3 cats to look after. 1 I haven't seen in a while. His food has been eaten though, so either his brother is mean, or he is eating when I am not looking - which is 90% of the day, as I am not spending much time here. Robert the cat has taken to stalking me. I just realized it tonight for sure. This morning when I got up, he glared at me, plaintively meowed and looked at the bed we had both vacated. Next time I got to the bedroom, he glared at me again, and put his head down and went to sleep. I must admit I was a little jealous of him just then. I come home tonight, and it looks as though he hasn't moved all day. He comes out of the bedroom to greet me within a minute of me being home. The spot o the bed is still warm. He then follows me around the house as I water just some of the million plants these people possess. I turn around and almost step on him, he is so close behind me. Up and down the stairs we go, with him at my side. I go to the bathroom and he is at the door when I get out. Somehow I made it to the computer without him, which is good, because he does not let me type when he follows onto my lap! I have learned that if I just leave the outside door open at all times, the cats do not annoy me - well, the other two that are not stalking me don't anyways. The first morning they CRIED until I got up and fed them and opened the door. The next morning I learned by accident that if I don't lock the screen door, they can let themselves in. Needless to say, the screen door hasn't been shut since. I could shut and lock it when I go to work, but if Robert doesn't go outside, then he is stuck inside all day... so I let them do as they please. The owners lock the front door but never lock the backdoor, so I am following their lead. I must admit it doesn't creep me out as much as it should that I am leaving doors open while I sleep. I guess it really is life when you can just see your neighbours... either that or it is a life disliking cats! At any rate, we all seem to have found a happy truce, with the exception of the cat who is supposed to get cream in the morning. But they didn't leave any cream, and she doesn't like milk or buttermilk, (both of which were in the fridge when I got here), so she gets nothing. I am not buying cream for her to only have to dump it all if I buy the wrong kind!

I went swimming today. They tell me the lanes are actually only 43-45 meters long, but I am going to count them at the 50 meters they should be. Therefore, I swam 3 kms today. I had to push through the last half a kilometer, but the first 25 laps came pretty easily. I also tread water for 10 minutes. I came out feeling like jello, but I was proud of my accomplishments. It seems odd to me that swimming 3 kms takes much longer than walking 3 kms. I can easily walk 3 kms in 30 minutes, but it took me 50 minutes to swim it. My goal for next week is to add 10 more laps, hopefully with only 5 of them hurting! We will see how next week goes I guess. For now, it is a once a wee activity - I am not sure my skin could handle anymore than that! I realized that each time I pay to swim, I can also use the gym... I might stop at 4 kms (in an hour hopefully) and then learn how to run or use the elliptical or something. I may as well get my monies worth! I have decided that I am getting fat again. My clothes all seem really tight. My bras are stopping fitting. So, slowly, I am going to work on this, slowly I am going to get fit again. I must admit Brandi's death race training has inspired me a little bit. The things you can do when you put your mind to it! So, for now, I work on getting 4 kms in in under an hour, and then I work on other things. I like that swimming works your whole body though. I don't think I ever realized that side stroke uses your abs until today, when my abs hurts and I felt it so keenly! Tuesdays shall be my gym day for now. If I were to go straight from work (have my stuff at work), and could get my swim under the hour mark, the I could do both the swim and a run or whatever and still get home about the same time as mom get's home from Cycle Class on Tuesday nights. But, one step at a time, and the next step is 4 kms in whatever time frame I need. I imagine it will be fall before I had the other part, but I am working on it.

I floated down the Nechako River for the first time in my life yesterday. We had some near disasters, where at least my tube almost went under - but seeing as I was the only one confident with my swimming abilities, I am glad it was me that dealt with it and not any of the other 3. It was such a nice way to spend the day - but it was a little cold at times. I was wet the whole time as I was on a small inner tube. but it was only when the sun went behind a cloud or when the wind blew at the same time that it was cold. I only got minorly burnt as well.

Still no word from Walmart. If they have not called by tomorrow when I get home from work, I am supposed to call them again. This is a little frustrating, but I guess when you need/want a job, sometimes you have to work for it. I just wish it was more working for good paying jobs than for a Walmart job - but I am really tired of being bored at my good paying job.

I promised myself I would try to catch yup on some emails today, so I had better stop blogging about the day to day trivia of my life!

I super duper love you!

I love Nathaniel!

I had Nathaniel today. We went to West Lake for the afternoon. I had him all buckled in, saying goodbye to his Mom, and we were off. He was asleep before we got to College Heights. I was watching him nod off in the rear view window, and I felt my heart smile. I pulled into West Lake parking lot and he looked around. I asked him if he thought we were at a lake. Doubtfully, he said that there MIGHT be a lake over there....We got out, and across the parking lot and he started running (with a pause to tell me to watch out for something on the pathway) yelling "there is a lake! Jen! There is a lake!" I laughed and my heart swelled a little more.



It was raining a little when we got there. I told him that didn't matter - it was good for sand castles! We blew some bubbles until he was ready to try the water. He spent most of the afternoon in the water, or eating. When my Mom arrived (it was raining much harder and we were hiding under a tree), I asked him if he recognized the truck pulling into the parking lot. He said yes. I told him that was my mom, and he took off in her direction to tell her where we were sitting. About half way to Mom he chickened out, stopped and stood still. He did however tell her that we were over here! He was (of course) really well behaved. Although he has essentially taken over the bag of chips I brought out with us, he offered me one for his 2 (which was enough for me). I had found a little boat on the shore line that he was playing with but when a toddler came up to the water, he gave the boat to him to play with instead. When he wanted to go into deeper water, he agreed to come out of the water and hang out with Mom until I got changed into my bathing suit. When I said he had five more minutes, he came out of the water and brought up all the sand toys. Of course, he was also a five year old throughout the day. The people next to us had 3 young boys, and he kept following them, especially when they were in the water, but I could tell he just wanted to play with them. They also had a dingy, and I knew he wanted to play in it with them, but I told him to come back towards me. He did. When they got out of the water to head home, they let him play with the boat until they were ready to go home. But there were not many people at the beach today, so I did my best to play with him. I was with him in the water, I built a sand castle with him (ok, I built, he got the sand wet). He then protected this with a five year old fury when that same toddler he had given the boat to came near the castle!). We packed up and went to the car (with Nathaniel carrying most of the stuff) just before a massive storm hit. I could barely see the road while I was driving. In an attempt to keep fresh air coming into the hot car, I had the sun roof cracked. I learned my lesson there.... no sun roof in the rain! I slowed down for a stop sign and got POURED on! Silly Girl.



When Nathaniel was getting dressed, we somehow got him tipped over - I think maybe he got stuck in his wet shorts - and he ended up sitting on my lap while we found his dry clothes. It felt so normal.

I dropped a very sleepy boy off with his Step-Father when we got back into town, and he gave me a big hug, and sleepily said "I love you Jen". Those words could still make me cry. I hugged him back, said I love you buddy, and promised to see him again soon.

His situation makes me so sad. Natasha (his mother) gave me the heads up that he has started referring to his step-father as "Dad" and I definitely saw that in our afternoon. We were deciding who's hair was longer - Nathaniel's or mine - and he answered "Dad's". I know I haven't seen Travis in almost 2 months, but I can guarantee that he was talking about Shane's dreadlocks. There was not a doubt in my mind when he said that. It makes me sad for Travis, but I know that it is the reality that he faces. Shane is more of a dad to Nathaniel than Travis has been in a love time. A part of me says, well that's what Travis deserves. Another part of me hurts for him - I don't know what I would do if my child replaced me in their mind. Of course, it does make me happy that Nathaniel has someone real that he can refer to as his Father. Someone who is there for him everyday, someone who will probably help him learn all those boy skills. That part makes me happy, but for Travis (who I had half an urge to text today and tell him that I was hanging out with his son, just to be provocative...), it makes me sad. I guess it's just my good old bleeding heart.

In non-Nathaniel news... I am house sitting. There are three cats. I rarely see most of them. When Robert the cat is inside, he tends to be very loving, and all he wants is attention. He followed me around as I water the million house plants this evening, but since I have sat down here, I am not sure where he is. He slept with my first night out here, so that was nice too - it is so nice to have body heat somewhere near! he was curled in my legs that day. Last night, only one cat was inside, and I didn't hear or feel her until 5:50 this morning, when she was either hungry or wanted to go outside. My note left by the house owners says that she likes cream in the morning. I found buttermilk and 1% milk in the fridge. I tried butter milk and she has had nothing to do with it. Tomorrow we will try the 1% and I guess if that doesn't suit her fancy, I will have to buy her some cream... The best part about these cats is that they are indoor and outdoor cats - and they do not use their litter boxes in the summertime, but rather go outside! And, they are fine if you leave them out overnight as well. I tried last night to get them all inside, but only one came anywhere near the house. I even checked outside until a little after 11 pm, checking about every 20 minutes.

Tomorrow, I was hoping to float the Nechako River, but I have not heard any details, so maybe they didn't get it organized, or maybe there is no room for me... either way, I can make use of the day! Living out in Beaverly, the lake is literally on my way into town.. (plus 13 kms out of my way....) then it is back to work for another 4 days... then, unless Walmart has other plans for me, 2 weeks off again....

I am going to go watch a movie and hope I sleep better tonight! THere is a bird feeder on my window sill in the bedroom - it is really cool to lay in bed and watch birds eat from it, but it comes with a whole bunch of bizarre noises as well - wings flapping, board pecking etc!

i love you, my followers! I hope you are enjoying your long weekend!