Dreams and things

I find myself in a weird place. I know it is that time again, but I never know if that is to blame.

I am not having so many killing dreams these days, instead, I am having dreams about my exes. These dreams always leave me feeling sad come morning. All three of my main, recent exes have visited me in dreams. In one, Dennis and Travis actually had a fight over who got to keep me!

I do not know if it is the dreams, or my hormones, or what, but after the dreams, I seem vindictive. I find myself proposely trying to remember all the times that Travis let me down. I never think of a good time, only the bad. This makes me sad as well. It is not something I want to do. I don’t think of Travis very often (and I think about the others even less). The pain is in my past, why do I keep rehashing it up?

I saw Marc on Friday. I saw him, and asked mom if it was him, when she said yes, I begged to go the other way in the store. She said I could, so I did. I still do not know why I did it. Marc made it very clear that he did not want me in his life – no contact or anything. So my original though when I asked to flee was for his sake. I know that it would have been awkward for both of us, and probably his fiancé too. I told myself I was just avoiding that awkward situation, and that I was doing as he requested. Now I am wondering if I did it all for me? I don’t know. I know I felt upset all of Friday night, and the feeling continues to bother me. Is it because I chose the wrong route? It is because I chose the right route, but ignored how I would like to deal with the situation? It is completely selfish in that I don’t like his decision to not want me in his life, when all I want is to be his friend? I don’t think he realizes that I am so happy that he is engaged. I don’t think he realizes that I hold no hard feelings to our failed relationship. Of course he does. I am just being selfish and stubborn. I am happy that everyone of my relationships have failed, because I finally feel like I am almost where I am supposed to be: heading overseas. I am far more sure about this stage of my life than I have ever been in a relationship. The relationships always feel good at the time, but I am incredibly thankful that this door has opened to me, which could not have happened in the relationships I was in.

Sigh

I know this isn’t a very good blog – I think this one is really more just to talk about the mixed feelings I have, and how they are affecting me….