I Need Ghana.

Yesterday I realized, as I was trying to sleep that I could no longer imagine being in Ghana without the aid of pictures I had taken while there. My babies have long been the screen saver on my computer and the other day, I had to stop and think about a child's name. When did this happen? When did the presence of these children become a memory to me? And a fading memory at that? Everything that I am is because these children help shape me here. Everything I do is because these children taught me to do it. I thrive in my life to do something that will help these children, and others like them. How is it possible that they are fading away from me?

I had talked briefly about not doing to Ghana in December in order to please my new employer who I have yet to start work for. Today, as I thought about all that I have already lost about them, I cannot find myself doing that. I need to see them. I need them now. I need to hear their voices. I need to feel their touch. I need to feel the love they gave me. I need to see their way of life. I need to hold them in my arms. I need to help them with their chores and their homework and their daily lives. I need to do this before I forget them completely. Right now, with them fading away from me, I feel like I cannot do anything. I feel like I need to lay down and cry for the dreams I have lost. I feel like they are gone, and therefore, I am nothing. I know it sounds silly. But I am practically having a panic attack about what it will be like if I make it back (did you hear that if? That's how my thinking is going). Will they remember me? Will I have ever mattered? Will they be the same? Or will they have changed beyond recognition? Will I have changed beyond recognition? Will they even care that I am back? How can I live my dreams when those who inspired it seem gone from me?

I need to go. I need to book my ticket, so I can have a count down. It is no longer a want of my world. Today, it feels as though my life depends on going back one more time. How does one talk to their employer about missing the Christmas rush because they need to be in Ghana when one hasn't even started work. What am I supposed to do? Should I have said it already? Am I too late to say it now? I will need a job when I get home still. I don't want to get fired before I start! But I need Ghana. And I need Ghana now. I am going crazy with missing the children. I am going crazy with my desire. Every time I work on something about Ghana, I feel this lump rise in my throat. I cannot breath with missing them. I cannot remember why they smiled so sillyly at my camera at that time. I cannot hear the Twi spoken around me. My own Twi words sound wrong to my ears.

Oh Children, help me through this, until I can come see you again.