I came in from watching the Meteor shower because it is time for bed, but my mind seems to think that is a bad idea still. First of all, I still am in love with the sky. You will remember way back in the day, when I professed love for the sky (admitting a little bit of a fetish even) after falling in love under the Northern Lights. I continue to think that a night watching the stars is one of the most romantic date ideas out there. Tonight, I lay outside wrapped in a blanket by myself, and only slightly missed someone at my side. I watched an incredible meteor shower which is supposed to peak tonight and continue for a couple days. They estimated that there would be 90 meteors an hour. I didn’t see that many in my 50 minutes outside, but I saw enough to make it well worthwhile. It struck me as odd though. How can the Earth, spinning in one direction, presumably into a “cloud” of particles outside the earth, have meteors penetrate from such varying angles? The sky is so big that I knew I was missing ones above my head, and more out of sight on the horizon. They came from anywhere, and went any direction. For some reason, I thought that they should all at least be heading the same direction, but no, not even close. Anyways, it was incredible. I am once again thankful for all the blessings we have on this planet. It is such an incredible thing to witness.
I talked to Travis tonight. I know many of you won’t approve, but I still miss the man that I called my best friend. I know that man lied to me, but I still care. I know that I don’t know what is truth or not, but I know that I knew him beyond his lies. I knew when to walk away for the day; I knew when to push my way in. I knew how to deal with his emotions for the most part. I have no interest in dating him again at all, and I told him such in point blank terms tonight in our texting conversation. He said that he knew that and deserved that. Don’t get me wrong, we were not even discussing it. We were actually talking about his current relationship and how it is going, but my thoughts had to come from someone that wasn’t involved in any way, and that is who they were coming from, I just needed to make sure he knew that. Anyways, we actually chatted for quite a while. He said he was surprised and a little saddened to hear that my ultimate life goals take me out of Canada for a somewhat permanent basis. I announced that was why I was single and not looking – I will not let anyone hold me back from my dreams, or from being me again. I have found me. I love me. I am proud of me. I am excited for my dreams, which are obtainable and accessible. I don’t know exactly where my life is going, but I am happy with the direction. And for the first time, I am happy alone. Sure, I like being in a relationship, and in some ways, I want one again. But I know I am leaving as soon as the opportunity arises, and I get closer to that every day. Today I talked to someone who hires ESL teachers. She told me that the only people she hires are those with CELTA, and in a brief web search in her office, we pulled up random jobs, looking for people with CELTA. None of these said it on the link what they needed. So, I have decided to go with CELTA. It is the most recognized. The curriculum is the same wherever you take it. My source says that it is the only one that is recognizable between provinces in Canada for ESL teachers. Although Vancouver Community College has a good TESOL program, I was informed that it is not recognized by any other province. So, in order to not shut doors on myself before I ever start, I am going to go with CELTA. She gave me a book about getting into teaching abroad – a self help book of sorts – it walks you through applying for jobs, which jobs are better, what to look for and all of that. I am now excited again. I am still a little nervous about the one month learning period, but I am sure it will be fine. Of course, I am still looking for a high grade in it as well! Global Village in Vancouver has one going on November 7th. I could head to Ghana after that. We will have to see what my life entails for a while. Right now, I don’t know what Monday holds, let alone beyond that! I do however have plans for the next 3 days!
For now, back to Travis. I encouraged him to follow his dreams. I asked him (as a best friend would, without being mean or vindictive) if his current relationship was a long term relationship, or if he should follow his own dreams? He says he wants to join the Navy. I actually think it would be good for him, if he could pass the tests and get in. His girlfriend doesn’t like the idea (neither did I when I was dating him for that matter). I maintain that you have to have happiness in your life before you can find happiness with others. Therefore, if the relationship stops him from having that, he should not be in it. I can now see the same about our relationship, and I am thankful that he left me. I didn’t know I had dreams when I agreed to marry him. I had myself convinced that one trip to Africa would satisfy me, not start a spark for my future. We had a really nice chat. I told him some things that I expected him to get mad about, but I thought I should say anyways. He didn’t get angry. He didn’t stop talking. I even told him that I thought he needed to call Nate so that Nate could still call him Dad as well. He told me knew that, but that he was happy that Nate had someone that he could call a real father. The conversation left me smiling. In some ways, it still feels like love. But I will always love him. Just not in the way I once did. If he will be a true friend, I am happy to take him back into my life. I still check up on him at least once a month. I still pray for him every night (and not like that country song “I Pray for You”). The Navy might just straighten him out enough that he can be a ‘normal’ human being again. We also talked a little about the state of our world – in regards to my need to not be in the ‘civilized’ world, and the useless state of our “aid” from this world. Some of it was based around “Shake Hands with the Devil” which he has almost finished reading. I admit that was my first and only real look into the UN Peacekeepers, but it saddened me about the state of what we are doing to other countries. I know my army friends don’t support this, but I am not sure we should have peace keepers, not because I don’t believe in keeping the peace, but because I don’t believe we are doing it, and often we make matters worse. At any rate, talking to Travis again was nice. I haven’t had ‘real’ talks in a long time.
I think I need my counselor back. I want to talk to her about all these new developments in my life. I am sad that I have to start again with a new counselor in the fall. But, maybe we can leave Travis behind me, and just work on… everything else this time around. Maybe the new one will have insight into my dreams.
I was a super hero at the fair today. It was Awesome. I had a cape that read “Dare to be a Kid” on the back in the Superman symbol. No one talked to us about our capes, but it was still fun to do!
I am excited for my 9 hours in the parking lot tomorrow as well. I kinda love Barb! I have to call Walmart in the morning, because the manager promised to call me today with what was going on with my file, but I did not hear from her. I am tired of playing this game now! They are going to keep hearing from me until they figure it out. If I wasn’t so darn lazy, I would find another job. I am not sure this is somewhere I want to be! But I am looking at it as a means to an end as well. I am bored and need a job. I need some income. And I need it only until I figure out what I am doing when. It is such a short term solution that it seems alright to continue to beg for a job there. As Mom says, I am stubborn like that, and even though I shouldn’t I fight my way through some things. It’s like my heart is set on Walmart and so there I will work. I think it is possibly because I don’t want to go through my lower ranked employers since Walmart is the only company to even give me an interview!
Anyways. It is late and I have a long day tomorrow.
With a smile on my lips, I say goodbye to today. I love you!
I talked to Travis tonight. I know many of you won’t approve, but I still miss the man that I called my best friend. I know that man lied to me, but I still care. I know that I don’t know what is truth or not, but I know that I knew him beyond his lies. I knew when to walk away for the day; I knew when to push my way in. I knew how to deal with his emotions for the most part. I have no interest in dating him again at all, and I told him such in point blank terms tonight in our texting conversation. He said that he knew that and deserved that. Don’t get me wrong, we were not even discussing it. We were actually talking about his current relationship and how it is going, but my thoughts had to come from someone that wasn’t involved in any way, and that is who they were coming from, I just needed to make sure he knew that. Anyways, we actually chatted for quite a while. He said he was surprised and a little saddened to hear that my ultimate life goals take me out of Canada for a somewhat permanent basis. I announced that was why I was single and not looking – I will not let anyone hold me back from my dreams, or from being me again. I have found me. I love me. I am proud of me. I am excited for my dreams, which are obtainable and accessible. I don’t know exactly where my life is going, but I am happy with the direction. And for the first time, I am happy alone. Sure, I like being in a relationship, and in some ways, I want one again. But I know I am leaving as soon as the opportunity arises, and I get closer to that every day. Today I talked to someone who hires ESL teachers. She told me that the only people she hires are those with CELTA, and in a brief web search in her office, we pulled up random jobs, looking for people with CELTA. None of these said it on the link what they needed. So, I have decided to go with CELTA. It is the most recognized. The curriculum is the same wherever you take it. My source says that it is the only one that is recognizable between provinces in Canada for ESL teachers. Although Vancouver Community College has a good TESOL program, I was informed that it is not recognized by any other province. So, in order to not shut doors on myself before I ever start, I am going to go with CELTA. She gave me a book about getting into teaching abroad – a self help book of sorts – it walks you through applying for jobs, which jobs are better, what to look for and all of that. I am now excited again. I am still a little nervous about the one month learning period, but I am sure it will be fine. Of course, I am still looking for a high grade in it as well! Global Village in Vancouver has one going on November 7th. I could head to Ghana after that. We will have to see what my life entails for a while. Right now, I don’t know what Monday holds, let alone beyond that! I do however have plans for the next 3 days!
For now, back to Travis. I encouraged him to follow his dreams. I asked him (as a best friend would, without being mean or vindictive) if his current relationship was a long term relationship, or if he should follow his own dreams? He says he wants to join the Navy. I actually think it would be good for him, if he could pass the tests and get in. His girlfriend doesn’t like the idea (neither did I when I was dating him for that matter). I maintain that you have to have happiness in your life before you can find happiness with others. Therefore, if the relationship stops him from having that, he should not be in it. I can now see the same about our relationship, and I am thankful that he left me. I didn’t know I had dreams when I agreed to marry him. I had myself convinced that one trip to Africa would satisfy me, not start a spark for my future. We had a really nice chat. I told him some things that I expected him to get mad about, but I thought I should say anyways. He didn’t get angry. He didn’t stop talking. I even told him that I thought he needed to call Nate so that Nate could still call him Dad as well. He told me knew that, but that he was happy that Nate had someone that he could call a real father. The conversation left me smiling. In some ways, it still feels like love. But I will always love him. Just not in the way I once did. If he will be a true friend, I am happy to take him back into my life. I still check up on him at least once a month. I still pray for him every night (and not like that country song “I Pray for You”). The Navy might just straighten him out enough that he can be a ‘normal’ human being again. We also talked a little about the state of our world – in regards to my need to not be in the ‘civilized’ world, and the useless state of our “aid” from this world. Some of it was based around “Shake Hands with the Devil” which he has almost finished reading. I admit that was my first and only real look into the UN Peacekeepers, but it saddened me about the state of what we are doing to other countries. I know my army friends don’t support this, but I am not sure we should have peace keepers, not because I don’t believe in keeping the peace, but because I don’t believe we are doing it, and often we make matters worse. At any rate, talking to Travis again was nice. I haven’t had ‘real’ talks in a long time.
I think I need my counselor back. I want to talk to her about all these new developments in my life. I am sad that I have to start again with a new counselor in the fall. But, maybe we can leave Travis behind me, and just work on… everything else this time around. Maybe the new one will have insight into my dreams.
I was a super hero at the fair today. It was Awesome. I had a cape that read “Dare to be a Kid” on the back in the Superman symbol. No one talked to us about our capes, but it was still fun to do!
I am excited for my 9 hours in the parking lot tomorrow as well. I kinda love Barb! I have to call Walmart in the morning, because the manager promised to call me today with what was going on with my file, but I did not hear from her. I am tired of playing this game now! They are going to keep hearing from me until they figure it out. If I wasn’t so darn lazy, I would find another job. I am not sure this is somewhere I want to be! But I am looking at it as a means to an end as well. I am bored and need a job. I need some income. And I need it only until I figure out what I am doing when. It is such a short term solution that it seems alright to continue to beg for a job there. As Mom says, I am stubborn like that, and even though I shouldn’t I fight my way through some things. It’s like my heart is set on Walmart and so there I will work. I think it is possibly because I don’t want to go through my lower ranked employers since Walmart is the only company to even give me an interview!Anyways. It is late and I have a long day tomorrow.
With a smile on my lips, I say goodbye to today. I love you!
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