Self Discovery.

December 25, 2011

The thing you resist the most is what you most need to let go of.
I know this. I learned this many years ago, and I knew it was true. But, I have stopped helping myself. I am afraid of change. Even though I have seen light, and happiness, I am afraid to go towards it. It was good, but unfamiliar, so I went back home to my dark. Now, I am facing it again. I need to let go of the past enough to realize there is a future. I am giving myself permission, and I am believing in God. Let’s make the changes.

I can let go of the dark. I can let go of the fear. I deserve good things to happen to me. God will deliver good things to me. Last time I tried this, I believed I was doing it on my own. This time can be easier, because I know that God is doing it with me. I was lying here crying the other night about how far I have backtracked, and the line from my self-help book came back to me (the line that starts this post). That is God helping me find the starting point. China is the best place to do this. In China, no one cares who I am. I can make all the changes to myself without fear of judgment. I know that I build the box around me as much as society does, and today, I am going to change.

It was pointed out to me the other day that in my fear, I continue to make the same mistakes and bad decisions I have made for years. They always said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again while hoping for different results. I have fallen back into this pattern. I am doing the same thing with John that I did with Travis. He has left me. I am holding on. I am telling myself that my love can fix it. This didn’t work in the past, why do I think it will work this time?

I give myself permission to be alone. It is the only way I can do the work that needs to be done anyways. I give myself permission to let go of John. This is another thing I resist so fully. I am full of reasons why I can’t let go of John. He makes me feel calm. He makes me feel happy. I saw a future. Today, I am thinking that God used John for me. He showed me calm, he showed me happiness. I saw it while following John. Now I just need to use the same energy to follow God, and it will be mine again.

Today I know I have to let go of John. I have to let go of what I have convinced myself he does for me. I have to let go of what I want him to be. I’m not sure when I gave myself permission to love him again in the last two months, but I did. That was a mistake I have made before. Now, I give myself permission to love myself, and let go of John.


I have often wondered what I am doing in China. I thought I made the right decision when I came here. There were no questions left in me. I felt like when I went to Ghana – everything was under control of a higher being than me. I have doubted this help in the last couple months. Why am I here? I don’t enjoy the job. The kids are cute, but not really rewarding. Although I am accepted, I don’t feel like I belong here. What am I doing here? The other night after kinship, it came to me. If nothing else, I am here because of those three girls. I am here to learn. I am here to allow myself to change away from judgment. I am here to learn that I was not on quite the right path for myself. These are good enough reasons to be here! As for the teaching problem – I am here to learn how to overcome challenges; how to listen to constructive criticism without being hurt. I am here to grow. I am here to find myself.

Lesson or Test?

I love you.
I miss you more every day
I don’t understand
Why someone so perfect for me
Is gone from my life

I ask God
Because I know He has a reason
But I don’t know what it is
I don’t know if He is testing me
Or if it’s a lesson I need to learn

Either way, without you
I can’t think straight
I cannot be calm enough
Without you,
My life is Chaos.

How can that be God’s plan?

I try every day
To forget my love for you
But how do you forget
A calmed and peaceful soul?

I ask God, knowing that He
Should be the one to bring me
The feelings you bring me

I know by the silence
It’s up to me to figure out
I don’t know how to do it
When I miss you more
Every day.

Crawling Out

in a coffin, afraid to live
comfortable in my darkness
not willing to see the light
familiar is cozy
unknown is frightening
I take the known
the dark and cold
alone


When the above scene was described to me, as a way that I can be seen, I had to smile. It’s true. How many times, when I first started to change my life, did I say that I was afraid to change for fear I might not like the girl on the other side. I was afraid that I wouldn’t know how to live without the depression holding me hostage.

Three years later, and I am still afraid. I am not afraid to know happiness, for I have known it for a while. I am not afraid to know peace, for I have seen it as well. However, I am terrified to make more changes. Darkness has penetrated again. It is familiar, and so I curl in. I tuck it around me like a blanket.

I am starting to know God. I know that in order to do this, I need to let go of the comfort of my coffin – the dark, alone time where no one and nothing can hurt me. There is a part of me that knows that there is so much more out there, for me. But, I have to leave my coffin; I have to leave my walls. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over again while expecting different results. I am not sure I expect different results, but the comfort of failing time and time again is there. No. I do expect different results. I think that if I believe enough, it will be different this time. It doesn’t work. I need to dig myself out of my hole, and try a new road. Three years ago, I started down a new road. At some point, I turned back and went back to where I started. I am no better off today than I was before. I turned my back on myself. I let others hurt me and force me backwards. I need to take control. I need to decide who and what has power over me. I say that like I am on my own, but I know I am not. I know that the struggles I have had the last six months would have forced me over an edge if I was alone. You know that poem “Footprints in the Sand”? I have lived it. I know I have. Every day, I start fresh. Every day is new, and every day has the potential to be amazing. It’s time that I start living that. I know God is with me. Now it’s my turn.

From the coffin I climb
Into the light
The happiness
The freedom
To be my own person
To be whom I am supposed to be
The road won’t always be easy
But I need to close the lid
On the coffin that has housed me
For so very long.
I am going to make an effort
To be the girl I started to be
I am going to be
The girl that God wants me to be.
I know I am mostly
On the right path
But sometimes I turn around
And go backwards instead of forwards
Sometimes my past calls to me
And the comfort makes me want to go.
It’s time to find comfort
On the other side.

Looking for the Plan

December 3, 2011

I know God has a Plan
I know there is a reason
For everything that happens,
But right now,
I don’t understand.

He is a perfect man for me
He is understanding and compassionate
He accepted me as I came
And he loved me for who I am
And now he’s gone
So he obviously wasn’t the Plan.

But how many times must I try
Before I find the Plan?
How many times must
My heart be broken
Before I can be loved?

I made a new plan
One that God agrees on
And I wanted it to be with you
Now it looks like
I am planning again.

I know God has a reason
But right now,
I don’t understand.