Crawling Out

in a coffin, afraid to live
comfortable in my darkness
not willing to see the light
familiar is cozy
unknown is frightening
I take the known
the dark and cold
alone


When the above scene was described to me, as a way that I can be seen, I had to smile. It’s true. How many times, when I first started to change my life, did I say that I was afraid to change for fear I might not like the girl on the other side. I was afraid that I wouldn’t know how to live without the depression holding me hostage.

Three years later, and I am still afraid. I am not afraid to know happiness, for I have known it for a while. I am not afraid to know peace, for I have seen it as well. However, I am terrified to make more changes. Darkness has penetrated again. It is familiar, and so I curl in. I tuck it around me like a blanket.

I am starting to know God. I know that in order to do this, I need to let go of the comfort of my coffin – the dark, alone time where no one and nothing can hurt me. There is a part of me that knows that there is so much more out there, for me. But, I have to leave my coffin; I have to leave my walls. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over again while expecting different results. I am not sure I expect different results, but the comfort of failing time and time again is there. No. I do expect different results. I think that if I believe enough, it will be different this time. It doesn’t work. I need to dig myself out of my hole, and try a new road. Three years ago, I started down a new road. At some point, I turned back and went back to where I started. I am no better off today than I was before. I turned my back on myself. I let others hurt me and force me backwards. I need to take control. I need to decide who and what has power over me. I say that like I am on my own, but I know I am not. I know that the struggles I have had the last six months would have forced me over an edge if I was alone. You know that poem “Footprints in the Sand”? I have lived it. I know I have. Every day, I start fresh. Every day is new, and every day has the potential to be amazing. It’s time that I start living that. I know God is with me. Now it’s my turn.

From the coffin I climb
Into the light
The happiness
The freedom
To be my own person
To be whom I am supposed to be
The road won’t always be easy
But I need to close the lid
On the coffin that has housed me
For so very long.
I am going to make an effort
To be the girl I started to be
I am going to be
The girl that God wants me to be.
I know I am mostly
On the right path
But sometimes I turn around
And go backwards instead of forwards
Sometimes my past calls to me
And the comfort makes me want to go.
It’s time to find comfort
On the other side.