Self Discovery.

December 25, 2011

The thing you resist the most is what you most need to let go of.
I know this. I learned this many years ago, and I knew it was true. But, I have stopped helping myself. I am afraid of change. Even though I have seen light, and happiness, I am afraid to go towards it. It was good, but unfamiliar, so I went back home to my dark. Now, I am facing it again. I need to let go of the past enough to realize there is a future. I am giving myself permission, and I am believing in God. Let’s make the changes.

I can let go of the dark. I can let go of the fear. I deserve good things to happen to me. God will deliver good things to me. Last time I tried this, I believed I was doing it on my own. This time can be easier, because I know that God is doing it with me. I was lying here crying the other night about how far I have backtracked, and the line from my self-help book came back to me (the line that starts this post). That is God helping me find the starting point. China is the best place to do this. In China, no one cares who I am. I can make all the changes to myself without fear of judgment. I know that I build the box around me as much as society does, and today, I am going to change.

It was pointed out to me the other day that in my fear, I continue to make the same mistakes and bad decisions I have made for years. They always said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again while hoping for different results. I have fallen back into this pattern. I am doing the same thing with John that I did with Travis. He has left me. I am holding on. I am telling myself that my love can fix it. This didn’t work in the past, why do I think it will work this time?

I give myself permission to be alone. It is the only way I can do the work that needs to be done anyways. I give myself permission to let go of John. This is another thing I resist so fully. I am full of reasons why I can’t let go of John. He makes me feel calm. He makes me feel happy. I saw a future. Today, I am thinking that God used John for me. He showed me calm, he showed me happiness. I saw it while following John. Now I just need to use the same energy to follow God, and it will be mine again.

Today I know I have to let go of John. I have to let go of what I have convinced myself he does for me. I have to let go of what I want him to be. I’m not sure when I gave myself permission to love him again in the last two months, but I did. That was a mistake I have made before. Now, I give myself permission to love myself, and let go of John.


I have often wondered what I am doing in China. I thought I made the right decision when I came here. There were no questions left in me. I felt like when I went to Ghana – everything was under control of a higher being than me. I have doubted this help in the last couple months. Why am I here? I don’t enjoy the job. The kids are cute, but not really rewarding. Although I am accepted, I don’t feel like I belong here. What am I doing here? The other night after kinship, it came to me. If nothing else, I am here because of those three girls. I am here to learn. I am here to allow myself to change away from judgment. I am here to learn that I was not on quite the right path for myself. These are good enough reasons to be here! As for the teaching problem – I am here to learn how to overcome challenges; how to listen to constructive criticism without being hurt. I am here to grow. I am here to find myself.