June 29 2014
I went to a beautiful wedding yesterday. Two of the strongest people I know united in
marriage. They have been through Hell
and back, but they have stuck together through it all. They talked about standing by each other in
the face of adversity. And watching that
man, a man who was my rock for many years, walk down the aisle with his new
wife made my eyes tear up. His
wheelchair waited for him at the end of the road, but he walked it. He then danced with his wife. That is love.
I was chatting with one of the boys I went to high school
with (we ‘dated’ for a month) when something came very clear to me. I have been running from relationships since
I was at least 14.
Alan annoyed me when I was sick. Game over.
Darren just annoyed me.
Game over.
Will wouldn’t give me what I wanted out of life. I ran, but I think I had good reason. Will and I lived a different lifestyle, and I
still don’t want that lifestyle he has.
Marc, well, I think I fought for Marc, but in the end, I
ran. I didn’t want to put anymore effort
into it. That might be okay with me, I
feel like I tried.
(Dennis I didn’t run fast enough).
Travis I put my everything into, and it broke me for a long
time. I could blame him or our
relationship, but there is a pattern long before he came around of me running
from ‘love’.
I have ran from Kim when times were tough for her (If you
still read these, I still love you with everything, I just need to figure out
how to stop running and pushing!).
Nick got a man cold that annoyed me, and eventually, I
realized I couldn’t get over my annoyance.
I know that with Nick, the distance was probably a main problem, but
still, I ran when times were tough for me.
I ran from Eric. I
know I wasn’t ready for a relationship at the time. I knew it at the time. But ultimately, same story. He annoyed me and I ran. I had a bad day and I pushed as hard as I
could against the relationship.
All my friends from high school, I didn’t want to open up for
them, so I closed myself off and ran away.
Alan joked last night that he doesn’t remember seeing me after we broke
up. I know he was joking, but it was
true. I was a ghost the last two year of
high school. And I pushed people away.
I know I said it to Eric.
I push people away, and hope they will stick around, but it has now become
clear to me that I don’t allow them that chance.
The stupid thing is, I desperately want people by my
side. I desperately want to be loved and
to love in return. I want a family
someday. How can I have a family when I
push people away and then run from them!?
Right now, my theory is that I know this flaw. I don’t know where it came from, and it doesn’t
matter in the end. I am not going to go
to counseling right now. I am going to
put effort into the relationships in my life.
I am going to try to not to push people away. I am going to try not to run. But for those of you that read this, don’t
let me push and run! I need help from
those of you that already love me unconditionally.
