Push and Run

June 29 2014

I went to a beautiful wedding yesterday.  Two of the strongest people I know united in marriage.  They have been through Hell and back, but they have stuck together through it all.  They talked about standing by each other in the face of adversity.  And watching that man, a man who was my rock for many years, walk down the aisle with his new wife made my eyes tear up.  His wheelchair waited for him at the end of the road, but he walked it.  He then danced with his wife.  That is love.  

I was chatting with one of the boys I went to high school with (we ‘dated’ for a month) when something came very clear to me.  I have been running from relationships since I was at least 14.

Alan annoyed me when I was sick. Game over.

Darren just annoyed me.  Game over.

Will wouldn’t give me what I wanted out of life.  I ran, but I think I had good reason.  Will and I lived a different lifestyle, and I still don’t want that lifestyle he has.

Marc, well, I think I fought for Marc, but in the end, I ran.  I didn’t want to put anymore effort into it.  That might be okay with me, I feel like I tried.

(Dennis I didn’t run fast enough).

Travis I put my everything into, and it broke me for a long time.  I could blame him or our relationship, but there is a pattern long before he came around of me running from ‘love’.

I have ran from Kim when times were tough for her (If you still read these, I still love you with everything, I just need to figure out how to stop running and pushing!).

Nick got a man cold that annoyed me, and eventually, I realized I couldn’t get over my annoyance.  I know that with Nick, the distance was probably a main problem, but still, I ran when times were tough for me.

I ran from Eric.  I know I wasn’t ready for a relationship at the time. I knew it at the time.  But ultimately, same story.  He annoyed me and I ran.  I had a bad day and I pushed as hard as I could against the relationship.

All my friends from high school, I didn’t want to open up for them, so I closed myself off and ran away.  Alan joked last night that he doesn’t remember seeing me after we broke up.  I know he was joking, but it was true.  I was a ghost the last two year of high school.  And I pushed people away.

I know I said it to Eric.  I push people away, and hope they will stick around, but it has now become clear to me that I don’t allow them that chance.

The stupid thing is, I desperately want people by my side.  I desperately want to be loved and to love in return.  I want a family someday.  How can I have a family when I push people away and then run from them!?

Right now, my theory is that I know this flaw.  I don’t know where it came from, and it doesn’t matter in the end.  I am not going to go to counseling right now.  I am going to put effort into the relationships in my life.  I am going to try to not to push people away.  I am going to try not to run.  But for those of you that read this, don’t let me push and run!  I need help from those of you that already love me unconditionally.