True Happiness

October 22, 2011

I’ve been fighting off memories of Travis and the pain that I associate with him. I don’t know why he flooded me so much, but I have figured out a couple of things.

I have had nightmares all week. Like my slasher dreams that I had for a long time, these dreams do not wake me up in a cold sweat, or make my heart pound. I accept the dream calmly. I complained to Paul that I hadn’t been sleeping well, having nightmares, when he asked why I was so tired. He asked if they were reoccurring. I said no, but then I thought about it a little. In every dream, someone was chasing me, trying to hurt me in some way. In one, a murderer was chasing me, in one the evil do-er was trying to convince me to walk on ice I could break with a finger. With the “peer pressure” of Evil asking me to step on ice I knew to be dangerous, I hesitated, but started to take a step when I woke up.

I started two courses this week. One course is called Goodbye to Shy and the other Get Assertive! Both courses are speaking to me directly, as I knew they would. I am taking pieces out of each lesson, highlighting the “me” in them and knowing where I need to work. With these two external courses talking sense into me, and the knowledge I already possess, things started to become clearer. I have long believed that when things are wrong in our lives, our body tries to tell us. The self- help book I read (and then ignored) to deal with my Travis-Dennis problem told me that you could prevent cancer by just listening to your body. Every ache and pain came from within and was your body telling you that something was wrong in your life. I had a little bit of trouble with this section, but parts of it made sense.

With Travis unknowingly torturing me from afar, the dreams started. A figure wanted me hurt. A figure wanted me to hurt myself in a way that seemed like they were to blame. That finger beckoning me onto the ice couldn’t physically hurt me, but making the decision to move would. These are my memories, and my perceived pain at the memories. Sure, Travis helped create the memories, but the memories can only be mine: they are in my head and under my control. What I choose to do with these memories is up to me. I can let “Travis” beckon me onto thin ice and help me lose control, or I can change my perspective and move on with my life. I am choosing to walk away from that hand and the thin ice it represents. I know this is not an overnight process. Today, I don’t give my hand to “Travis”; tomorrow, I can take a step back from the edge.

One of my courses asked me who benefits from me being shy or passive, and who suffers. The Devil benefits when I can’t change my ways; everyone I love suffers. I got to thinking. I wondered why I felt so happy and at peace with John, a kind of happiness I have never felt before. Although I am still ridiculously hard on myself, I have ultimately learned to love myself. I have taken huge steps in being who I want to be, and I have been open to the experiences and have allowed myself to change. I went from a dreamless bum, drifting through life, accepting that I deserved pain to a girl full of dreams all of my own. I make the things I want happen: I am in China because I decided to be an ESL teacher and went about doing it. I am still in China because I want to learn how to be better at what I do. I feel like the truly painful part of my life is ending. I love myself and that means that others can start to fully love me as well. I remember, in all my previous relationships, I was terrified that if I made a wrong move, they would leave me. I strove to be the girl the man wanted me to be, not who I wanted to be. Everything was desperate: I was desperately in love, I was desperate for his attention, and I was terrified of him leaving because he made me whole. What lies I told myself! I realized last night that everything is different with John. Although the Devil pokes his ugly head into my thoughts more than I would like, I have the power to deny him now. I started dating John as a whole person. I wasn’t looking for someone to fill a void in my life, to love me as I couldn’t love myself. I was whole and I was happy; I was living my dream. I am with John because John and I are good together. John has really seen me through some of my worst times. I have cried on him about the hurt others have caused. He loves me anyways. He knew that going in, and loves me anyways. He is able to love me completely, because I love myself. I was whole. I didn’t need John to fix anything; I didn’t want him to be anything he wasn’t. He also didn’t want me to be anything I wasn’t. We always say that when we date, but when we are not whole, we do want things to be fixed by being in the relationship. I never really understood that before. John and I aren’t desperate. Things fit into place. We are very calmly doing a year long distance because we know that talking as often as we do, we are going to be fine. Yes, sometimes I am still terrified he is going to leave me, but he never actually gives me the impression he will. That’s the Devil rearing his ugly head again.

Today I choose to believe in happiness, true happiness. The Devil isn’t leaving me alone yet, but I am making my choice. I am choosing not to look backwards. I am choosing not to walk on the think ice (what a great metaphor my dream came up with!). My life is about me, and my future. I choose to let go of the pain and move on with my life. I choose to be happy. Yes, the memories of Travis will continue. With each memory I have, I chose to forgive myself for letting the pain into my life. I chose to forgive Travis for the pain I let him bring me. I chose to forgive the past and honour the future.