Exhaustion

Depression. Listlessness. Lack of interest in things that used to bring joy. Lack of interest in anything. Inability to care about anything. I don’t care about my job. I don’t really care about my people. I haven’t folded my laundry in over three weeks. It’s not like at home when I fold it and don’t put it away – here, it stays in the bag which I brought it up from the laundry room in. I sort through it and pull out what I need. It doesn’t bother me. My room is a mess. I don’t care.

I know all of these things. I know they are all bad. I can’t bring myself to care. I am praying but I feel like my lack of ability to do anything causes myself more pain. I know God loves me more than anything, but, I still hear the Devil say: “If you can’t care about you, why should God?” I am told that Faith is good enough even if as small as a mustard seed, as long as I have faith. They tell me that the Devil is Depression. If that is true, then I have the Devil deep inside me. I want God to be in my life. I want to be His servant. Do I know how to do that? They tell me that my mustard seed is enough. I am going to believe that. I am going to believe that although I am not stronger than the Devil, God and I, together, are. Right now, the Devil is in control. I am crying. I cry a lot. I wake up feeling like I will cry. I avoid social situations because talking to anyone seems like too much effort. Today I ate lunch in my room because the thought of the cafeteria overwhelmed me.

I am exhausted. I can’t sleep. I go to bed early and lay awake for hours. I go to bed late and lay awake for hours. I don’t nap at lunch, I lay awake for hours. I nap at lunch time, I lay awake for hours. But, when I wake up I can go back to sleep without a problem for the most part. I wake up, I shower, and I go back to bed for an hour, or however long I can sneak in. I can sleep after class, but not at night.

I have tried most of my old tricks. I have read up on some different therapies (thanks Kimmer!). I read it, it makes sense. Then I say “it’s a nice thought but…” I am out of control. Luckily, I don’t really have the energy to get into trouble, but I am losing something more important. I am losing me.

I don’t see anything in my environment that should cause this. I know I don’t like my job, but it has been going well. I think I only have one class that can’t sing the damn songs, and I just don’t care anymore. I try to make it fun and they don’t do anything. We play games and they get angry. I am done. Seriously, they can fire me for that class. I say that, but at the same time, I do feel that failure strongly. It’s not a failure (DEVIL!) it’s just not the success I want…. Maybe it is though. I have NO control. If those four boys want to ruin my class, they do.

Of course, this makes me doubt my own ability to be a mother, or even, not a doormat. In the sake of the children, I want to believe that if I saw them more often, or if anything I said to their parents or other teachers would really make a difference, I think it would be different. I would have a different dynamic with the children. I mean, I more or less have 150 kids under control most of the time… But, assertive behavior is something I lack. I took a course on it, and haven\t been able to apply it to my life. I feel like I need people in my life, and that I need people to like me. If a couple of 9 year olds can destroy me, so can anyone who thinks it would be fun.

I like being able to pinpoint what triggered my mood changes. I wanted to blame this one on hormones, but it didn’t go away with the hormone levels. It might even be worse. I was cranky with my last period. I could feel things. Today, I feel nothing but tired – a little bit dead inside.

Can one have faith that God will change things in time and go to counseling? It was suggested to me yesterday that counseling was a waste of time ad wouldn’t help me if I didn’t have God. But can God really change me? Can he take away the depression, the devil form my life? Is his unconditional love enough to heal me? I just don’t know. Currently, I am praying with every breath I take, and when I can, I am doing what I used to do to make me feel better.

Maybe it’s all just a case of SAD cabin fever. I am so tired of rain and dreary skies. I am tired of being chilled outside. I am tired of “winter”. I miss the sunshine. The dreary weather makes me rather crawl into bed than put on my runners and hit the track. I can think of no reason to go to town most days, and then the idea of walking exhausts me. I did walk to town the other day. All it did was give me sore feet. Then the little old lady on the bus made me sit down, and when I tried to get up to let a little old man sit, she told me no. I gathered it was because I had groceries, but it made me feel a little pathetic to have a seat on the bus. But at the same time, I was so grateful that she moved her grandchild onto her lap so I could sit.

So tell me, how does one who cannot sleep get over being so damn tired all the time?