Depressive Update

March 25, 2012

Anti-depressants look as though they will be hard to get. With an increased little boost of medicated energy, I think I could do this. It’s worked in the past. But my research is telling me it will be tricky. I don’t have a current prescription. I don’t have current medical. Only pharmacies can ship medications overseas. Only major centers have access to Western drugs, and from all I have read today, Prozac seems to be the drug of choice in China. Prozac is a hell of a lot stronger than what I take, which is a really low dose. There also seems to be a one week rule. Doctors will give out anti-depressants for a week at a time because you are supposed to just get over it. But, a week’s worth of my prescription could buy me two weeks of an increased dose. I am not sure two weeks would help me as I dislike so much about my life here. With my normal option out, I started thinking about new things. Chinese herbal medicine has worked for years. There is an herb which the Chinese call the “happiness herb” as it anchors your spirit and then makes your spirit light. It helps with sound sleep, which we all know I could use these days. After a long Google search, I found a sight that said its Chinese pinyin name. I have decided I will ask Angel about it tomorrow (providing she is in the office). Maybe I can get it and have it as a tea once a day, or whatever the case is. There doesn’t seem to be much research on how natural herbs interact with medication, but I figure it is worth a try at this point. I can’t get much worse! Most herbs I read about today need to be taken on a minimal schedule – with days off in between doses. Maybe a cup of happiness on a Monday morning would help get me through the week. And an extra bonus is that apparently it helps with PMS (which is awful for me in China) and other things for that time of the month. I am running out of ideas on how to help me. I know that changing my diet could help – but I find that really hard to do as well. I should have bought a hot plate and started cooking. But, I don’t want to start now. The weather is improving. I will try harder to force myself to go for walks. It is light later now too – it’s hard to want to walk somewhere in the dark and dreary cold! With the improved weather, Dave says he will go to the parks more often – which hopefully means I can join him. I know that one of my problems is that I went from having someone to hang out with on the weekends, to having no one when everyone got more work this semester and I opted to not take on anything else. I do not regret this decision at all. The extra work seems to have a lot of people stressed out, and I was stressed out enough last semester! I just miss having the company. Because everyone around the school seems to be busy for our three day weekend next week, I am really hoping that Sunshine can get the time off (she should be able to – it’s a Chinese holiday) and that she will come to Wuxi with me. I don’t want to go alone – because road trips are better with a friend. We do have a friend in Wuxi but last time I talked to him, he wanted a booty call, so although I still like him, I don’t want to see him alone. So If Sunshine and I go, I won’t call him to tell him I am in town (wouldn’t want to imply that I want a booty call), but if Dave and George were with me, we would call him and I would be fine with that. But Sunshine has either gone stupid in the last month, or my patience is that far gone that I can’t be nice anymore. I am sure I used to be able to have conversations with her, and now it’s like I have to explain things three times before we are even on the same page. She is supposed to check tomorrow that she is off and then hopefully it will all plan out. I just don’t want to stay at the school or in town for the holiday, and I really want to see Wuxi and I am running out of time to travel. Funny how I can say that and that three months is forever in the same breath, but I can. And, traveling with Sunshine gives me a Chinese speaker who can order food and stuff! I can only order with picture menus. Dave will give me all the information he has on Wuxi as he has been there a couple of times. It’s only about 2 hours from here and has a really cool Buddhist “Theme park’ that I want to see. Sunshine’s crush may come too – he also wasn’t sure if he got a holiday – but he has only been in China for a month or so – he is from Turkey.

Please note how hard I am still trying to do this. I talked to my kinship group about it and Erin gave me more help on how to deal with the kids who make me want to go on a murderous rampage… On Friday, I had 3 boys walk out of my class, and their teacher saw them playing outside and also did nothing (I was happy, my class was now running smoothly) and Erin says that I should just deposit the boys in the office at their teacher’s desk if it helps me. I might just do this. I don’t have the patience left for those boys. Erin also told me that we are going to take it day by day together, and that we will make it. I know that’s the only logical way to do it, but it sometimes seems so hard. I know that I said that I found happiness in a shower or a nap, but damnit, that’s not enough for me anymore.

However, I do typically like weekends. I guess that’s something worth living for. Friday nights the group at Gloria’s has been growing. Sunny is there every time, often with his girlfriend (depending on her work schedule). Klaas joins most nights. Sunshine has moved back to Yangzhou and is often there as well. This week Farhart (who I have not seen in many many months) came, and two of Sunny’s co-workers that speak English were also there. And Sarkan, Sunshine’s crush, often joins as well. With a group that big, silence is never the issue and that is fun. And for the most part, everyone (except Sunny’s girlfriend) speaks good enough English that we can have a full conversation. I really enjoy these nights. We do a similar thing on Saturday nights – whoever is free goes out for dinner, and sometimes coffee after dinner. I come home smiling most nights. Sometimes, I come home smiling and the loneliness of my room still knocks me over, but at least I smiled for a while. The problem is it can’t happen during the week at all. Klaas works until 6 or 7. Sunny works until 6, but has a 45 minute drive home – barely before dark. Sunshine has a job again as well. And, by 8 pm – I don’t really want to head to town to hang out! This week we are working seven days, so I doubt we will go out at all. We might still grab dinner, but it will be a eat and go back home dinner.

The weather has gotten really nice. Well, I go between my winter jacket, my spring jacket and a t-shirt on any given day. Today is a t-shirt. I decided to stay home for now – to write this – but I am sitting on my deck in the sun. I have told myself I will definitely go for a walk today. Even if it’s just a pointless walk – it’s so nice out and I need it. I do need groceries again…