Nathaniel

I was called today for work. I accepted it, without putting the stipulation that I got to attend Nathaniel's birthday in Fraser Lake on Tuesday. It broke my heart to do it. I know she didn't mean it how it sounded, my sister said it was just my ex's kid. But he is more than that. I had accepted Nathaniel into my life, he was my son, he was my family. I wanted him to be my oldest child, and then to have more children with his father. I wanted it to be a family, the family I have dreamed of. Nathaniel matters to me. Nathaniel always will matter to me. I feel like a divorced parent (normally the father that has to do this though isn't it?). I need to tell him that even though Daddy and I are not together anymore, I still love him, he is still my boy. I need to tell him that Daddy and I found different ideas in life and a different life path to follow, but that doesn't mean he doesn't matter to me. Both Daddy and I still love him as much as ever. Nathaniel is not just some kid that past through my life. He is right up there with Desmond and every child from the orphanage. He is mine, and I love him. I will not abandon him if I can handle it. So, I am booking another day to go and see him; it sounds like I might even be taking him out to his grandparents that day.

However, when I asked Travis if I could go out that day, he told me it was his brother's anniversary, but of course I could go. Casual comment? Maybe. But, it was at his brother's wedding that we started dating, and I will be back in the place on the day of what should have been our anniversary. I am still going. I am just going to try not to think about that. Hard to believe that it was only a year ago that we started dating with all the shit that has gone down since.

However, I am doing mostly okay with Travis these days. We aren't talking, but I am okay. He called me hun the other day, and I cried, but he apologized almost as soon as he sent the text. For some reason, I hate people calling me by name, it seems cold and formal to me, but hun was a little hard to take.

As good as I am doing, I am not ready to date again. I need to learn to be okay with who I am once again. This is me, and I am all that matters, ultimately. I want to go back to Ghana, I want to live overseas. I need to keep my dreams to keep me, and I am not yet ready to share these undeveloped dreams with others. However, I do know that the next time I date, I do not want someone who has children. I love children, and become too easily attached to them. The last thing I want is a long list of “nephews and nieces” that I care about so much but who's father's do not want me around! If I hadn't been so serious about Travis, Nathaniel never would have entered the picture as much as he did. But, it was a family, so it was okay. But, now I am stuck trying to see a child whom I adore, and asking for permission from at least 2 seperate people. And it's just not fair to Nathaniel. All he knows is that Jenna know longer comes to see him. As a depressed individual, that tells me that no body loves me... I don't want that for that boy! Because I do love him. And if it were possible, I would raise him myself. He is not just a friend's kid. He is mine.