Mutterings

I am at work, but I have been told to sit pretty and wait for something to happen. I am pretty sure this is lame and almost jumped in joy when the girl that actually has this position said she would be back tomorrow! Alas, it wasn’t to be – there are of course hoops for her to jump through now… she will hopefully have everything in place to return at the end of the week or next week. I would be happy to have another position within the college, although I am thankful for this job. I just, I need something to do at all times! I absolutely HATE sitting here and being paid for nothing. At a minimum wage job, that is ideal, but not for me, not here! Currently, I have probably actually done work for only 2 hours of today’s 5 hours…

Things have been decent since I last wrote. I had a great day yesterday at the park for the Father’s Day Show and Shine! I think the park is a great place to have it (although I don’t like all the cars on the grass – it is the less used parts of the park that had the cars on them so…), it really makes it a family event. The water park was up and running, people were on the playground, playing Frisbee and ball, there was food vendors and raffle tickets galore, along with the cars. There was even music at the bandstand if you were down at that area (I wasn’t). Yes, a good day for all I think!

As for my adventures at the park, I had a great day too. I took a quick view at the cars (yes, sadly, a quick view, I somehow ended up running much later than I planned) and headed off to the A&W Float station. A&W provides everything we need to make floats, and all proceeds from the event go to Big Brothers and Big Sisters of Prince George. This is the second year, and we just keep getting bigger! Of course, the gorgeous sunny day did entice more people to our stand than a rainy day would have. The booth opened at 10 am and by 1:30 we were out of pop. A&W had ordered more pop than we went through last year and we still ran out! But it gets better! A&W staff went on a pop mission for us before we ran out. They returned almost an hour later (we were shut down from 1:30 until 2pm) and we immediately sent them out for more. By 3 pm, we were out of ice cream and pop! Ice cream has to be pre-ordered from Vancouver, so at that point, we just gave up. The A&W staff said there was no more A&W root beer left in the bowl area! So, needless to say, BBBS-PG raised even more money than last year, and it was amazing! The girls that were making the floats (myself included) never stopped once we started – we had a system – we yelled for what we needed and it appeared the table in front of us to create! We are very thankful for the hot day that brought us that! What amazing thing for Big Brothers!

While I was busy making floats, my favorite little Oburoni boy wandered by with Derek. I gave him a great big hug, sold him a pop and they headed on their way. I love that little boy so much! I am so excited to get to spend the day with Nathaniel, Marlene and Derek on the weekend! At this point, I wish I was there today, as this job is so lame! I have had a little bit of work since I started, but still, am basically doing nothing…. I am spending Sunday out there this weekend – I also may or may not be bringing Nathaniel out with me.


Although I have been pretty tired, I feel mostly okay. My period started and ended early, so currently I do not feel hormonal at all! I guess I just have to wait and see what happens with that! I see my regular doctor next Tuesday to talk about my drug levels. I honestly don't know what I will tell her. I think I am okay, except that I am still so tired. The 6 am wake up today was really tough, but after two weeks off, I knew it would be.

Things with Travis still bother me. The man I loved and agreed to marry seems to be no where to be found. In his place, I have a jerk and an asshole, who seems to enjoy making my life difficult. No where is someone I can laugh with, someone I can share anything with. And I miss that. But, I was either in love with a persona, or he has really changed in the last several months. It makes me sad, because the man I was in love with was a much better person than the one that sometimes communicates with me. It makes me sad that he is gone, it makes me sad that I can never again have that friend I relied on for the last year and a half. He is gone, and I guess I need to accept that soon. But, I don't want him to stop being my friend, I do not want him out of my life. I know that still sounds strange to people, but I loved him with everything I am, and I want to keep that friendship alive. I want to believe in him, I want to help him get better. I know that I do not have the capabilities to do these things, but I believe that if we could maintain our friendship, it would help both of us, somehow. But, he obviously doesn't want the friendship to continue. He gets mad at me if I ever mention time we spent together. He gets mad at me when I text him to have a good day. It seems like any time I communicate with him, he feels the need to blame everything that is wrong on me. I know I do not deserve that, but I miss him. I also realize that I said the same things when I was breaking up with Dennis. I know that I do not like breakups, I do not like that you loose a friend along with a boyfriend. I do not have a single boyfriend who will still talk to me. I would like my ex-fiance to! I know that I was the only one, but I was fully invested in him. He was my everything, and now he wants nothing to do with me. Maybe it's because I am me, but I wonder what I am doing wrong to make everyone want nothing to do with me in the end? What do I do wrong? How can I stop that? I know also that I love too hard and too fast, but is it not possible to stay in touch long after the flames have died?

A lot of my disapproval of Travis right now is around how he is treating me. Not only does he always give me attitude when we do communicate, and makes it feel like it is my fault (which I know is impossible, the mistakes made had nothing to do with me whatsoever), but he says purposely hurtful things. I cannot justify the things he has said no matter how hard I have tried. I asked him if I could go visit his folks and Nathaniel on Sunday. Instead of saying sure, or anything simple like that, he tells me it is his brothers anniversary, but I can do whatever I want to do. An innocent comment? Maybe. Except we started dating after attending his brother's wedding. That wedding was when I met his parents,and his family. That wedding, was the start of us. Did I need to know that it was Trevor's anniversary? No. I could have happily have gone to Fraser Lake and chilled with some of my favorite people, maybe even without remembering that painful fact. It still is so clear in my head how we started dating on the way home, I can practically still tell you how the conversation went.

He probably blamed part of his Father's Day anger on me too. I saw his son ( I ran into them at the park) and no body had Nathaniel call him. My casual “oh, I saw him and Derek today” was probably taken as spiteful – like I was rubbing in the fact that I have a better relationship with his family than he does. I really was just stating that I saw them, and that they were heading out to the farm again after. I am trying to keep spiteful things to myself, because I do not believe they will help anything, and we have enough hindrance! Besides, I care about Travis (I always will), and I don't want him to hurt anymore. I would do anything to take that hurt away from him.

Other things he says, I know are not meant to hurt me, but they do. Krystal gets more dates than I ever got. He buys things for her (but not his son, don't even get me started on that!). But, I can accept that I guess. I am not a very good girlfriend. I do not like going out. I do not like parties, movies and fancy dates. I would rather stay home and cuddle. But, I only got one date in the year and a half we were somewhat together. His father's memorial ceremony is this weekend. I asked to go, but I am informed casually that it is this weekend (I am busy anyways). That stung. I couldn't help the bitter thoughts of “I bet Krystal is going and she didn't even know the man”. What does it matter Jenna? You really want to fight over a memorial service you cannot even attend? I am so ridiculous sometimes! But, I cannot help it. These thoughts are there before I know it, and then I am sad and feeling sorry for myself before I know what has hit me. Any advice? I am about ready to follow anything!

The worst part is, I know how to fix it all. I know how to stop the depression. I know how to build my incredibly lacking self-esteem. I don't know how to fix my issues with missing Travis, but I know how to fix the rest. I cannot do it. I cannot bring myself to focus on it. I cannot bring myself to open the books. I cannot bring myself to care I guess. On my bad days, I convince myself nothing can help. On my good days I convince myself that I do not need help, I do not need to do anything! I know both answers are wrong, but I am really struggling with doing it. I find other things that seem like a better idea at the time, but do nothing for me. I know I can do it on my own, but where is the strength? I ask every night in my new bed time prayers for the strength to help myself. At least, currently, I get out of bed without the same problem of 2 months ago. My counselor is very happy with my improvement. Is it only me that is not happy? Is that really all that matters in the end? I cannot be happy until I know I am in a better place, and today, I do not know that, I am just having a good day – who knows what tomorrow will hold! The girl that came home from Chase a little over a year ago – that is where I am aiming emotionally (I know that girl has changed into someone totally different – a better person if I can get out of this … hole I find myself in today). I want to be happy with myself, and okay with my emotions. I want to be happy to be single, happy to be me, and where I am. I am not currently any of those things. I find myself wanting to start a relationship that I don't even want, just for the comfort of it. I admit, I love being in a relationship, I love how secure it makes me feel to know that I am somebody's girl, and that they care that much about me. However, I know that I would not benefit from being in a relationship (although I would benefit from the friendship aspect...)

sigh I need to find it in me to change it all. I just don't know where to find the strength. But, I have a busy week ahead of me, so I better get going – I have an ice cream date tonight! And there is a concert immediately after my next counseling appointment that Jordan and I are going to! Saturday and Sunday are both jammed packed with a good time! I just need to make it through this job! Lol

Thanks for listening to my rant. I love you.