Emotions

Pain. Justification. Forgiveness. Opportunity to hurt again and again.

This does not sound like a healthy sequence of events. It is the cycle I use again and again. And again and again, I hurt, often by the same people, doing the same thing. Why do I justify your actions, your thoughts? My counselor and I decided it was a strategy to ease the pain, but when I pointed out that the same thing could happen again and again, and I would justify it away, we decided that there must be more to my strategy than to soften the blows. However, I think it is a fault, which I need to work on and make it go away. It might be a short term solution but it causes more problems down the road. I asked, knowing that she couldn't answer me. I asked, “how does one stop habits and responses which are so imbedded we don't even realize they are there?” She said that I was, of course, right. She couldn't answer that. Each person needs to work through that on their own. The first step is knowing that they are there.

I have two thoughts here. The first being that I do not like to show emotion. Perhaps you laughed at that – I do share a lot, but I don't often share the emotions within. I don't think I know how to show happy emotions – I guess they are basic, everyday emotions for normal people. Obviously I do smile, and laugh. The thing is, I do that when tears are in my eyes as well. Heaven forbid if someone would see those tears and care! I am so used to “no one caring” that I am not sure how it would be if someone said their did care. I learned when I was in my early teens how to hide the true feelings, and they have never surfaced again. When talking to my counselor about emotions, I told her that I didn't like to express negative emotions because I thought they were socially unacceptable. Besides, who wants to hear about my woe is me story? So, I don't know how to express happiness without it seeming like a mask. I don't know how to express negative emotions because I am afraid that no one wants to hear, or that I will be looked down on. I hope you can see the problems for emotional expression within these thoughts.

My second problem is that I “care too much about others.” Although this trait has the possibility of doing amazing things, it also does some very detrimental things to me as well. Your problems are my problems. I hate the emotion anger – I don't like to express it, I don't like to see it. When anger is shown, I shrink. I apologize. I find ways to help. And, I very quickly seek forgiveness. When the anger is my own, I talk myself out of it. I never say a word to you. And then, I justify your actions which made me so angry. I do not justify my own thoughts. I make the emotion dissipate before I will talk to you again, but, no matter how much if hurts, I let my own emotions go with no value or second thoughts. When you are angry at me, I feel like a failure. Sometimes, I feel this way when you are just mad in general. I go out of my way to make it better, but I never tell you how I feel about it. You never know how much I hated myself because you were not perfect. It doesn't matter what you do or say. I will justify your behavior, and I will feel down myself as a result.

Did you know that every time you say “oh I can't make it today” I think it is because I have done something to annoy you, or that I think that you do not wish to see me at all? And since that is a painful thought, I find all the “real” reasons that you can't come, or all the reasons you would say such a painful thing, whatever it was. I don't think I am special. I don't think I would want to hang out with me, if I was someone else. Although I thank God everyday for having special people in my life, I do not feel like I deserve them. I already know the reasons why you wouldn't want to be my friend, so it's easy to justify when you walk away.

Now that you have read into me a little, do you still want to be my friend?

I know my 'condition' fairly well. I have techniques I can fight it down with. I am working on changing my thoughts to positive thoughts instead of the negative that are the first to jump to life. I try to suppress the negative thoughts, but I realize I do it through justification. Does that help us here? I know that the negative thoughts are merely a pattern, and I know it can be changed. However, I obviously chose the wrong strategy. Perhaps I only choose a strategy which was already familiar to me. I can see it is not working. So it's time for a new strategy. An obvious one from this post, is to express emotion. With this, I am terrified that I will become some public emotional rollarcoaster, on display for the world to see. I am terrified that you will see me for how I really am, and that you won't like me anymore. And after at least 12 years of hiding the emotion ravaging my body, I am just afraid to express it. I honestly don't feel I know how to.

Maybe, I should just start slowly. Maybe if I express the feelings in my blog, then if they involve someone, hopefully they will not be too hurt, and we can talk it through. I do well with writing skills (even if I have no grammar!!). Writing is a safe place for me. But, I still do not want to offend anybody but speaking my emotions. That is yet another fear for me. I don't want people to hurt the way I hurt inside. But, if I write of general situations and my emotions, that would also be a big start. Why are emotions such taboo in this society?

The justification needs to stop, or at least be lessened. I can see several examples in the last nine months since I came home from Ghana. Sometimes, when I do express emotion, I have other people throw their justifications right back at me, and again, I blame myself. Don't worry, I know I am too sensitive as well! I am full of faults. Most of them I am very aware of!


On a slightly different side of this problem, I learned a lot of techniques in my recent Train The Tutor program that I think I can apply to my life. The techniques were for teaching an adult learner to read and write, or other literacy skills, but some of them, I think you can apply to anything. As a tutor of adult learners, you have to remember that people come with baggage as adults, and that whatever issues they have in life, affect their learning. We did activities from their point of view where we had to learn to read something that looked like gobbley goop! My mental health is an adult learner, coming to learn new ideas and ways to learn. I am the tutor. I need to work with the existing problems while prodding in the right direction. I know that isn't sounding amazing, but yesterday in my mind, it was crystal clear. I could see the ways that the techniques applied to every aspect of life. I think the biggest thing was that we are both learner and tutor at various times.

I know this, like my depression and abandonment issues, is something I have to work on alone, but I think you should be aware of what is coming. Maybe not while I am in Ghana; you never know what Ghana will do to you! But, if last time was anything to note, it will turn my happy emotions back into my head with vigor! However, I know that nothing inside my mental health actually changes in Ghana – I just feel happier and have a place to show it. I do not make any of the changes that are needed inside my thought patterns, and this is what needs to happen. But boy do I love the emotional vacation I find in Ghana, with my heart full of love for 30 of the world's best children! I have one more counseling session before I leave the country. Every time, we dig way inside of me, and I come out aware, and hurting. I know it is a good hurt, the kind that opens doors to a healthier future, but it also seems to make me aware of how much I have failed myself.

I love you. Thank you.