Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes?

It's funny how so much can change, while everything stays the same.

A year ago, I sat on my boyfriend's bed as he tied an anklet he made me around my ankle. He told that that where ever I went, I would know that he was with me. He told me never to feel alone in Africa, because I had his love for me with me. I can't count the number of times I subconsciously found myself fondling that piece of braided string in the last year. There were nights where I woke up only to touch it and know. I cut that anklet off the other day. I still find myself going to touch it, and feeling sad when it is not there.

Eleven and a half months ago, that same boyfriend slipped a ring onto my finger as tears slid down my cheeks, and promised to love me forever. My dreams had come true. The ring symbolized forever, it symbolized our love. I never imagined that it was a ring of lies. I still find myself playing with the empty finger, spinning the ring around and remembering the times when I first wore it. Sometimes, I look at the ring I wear on my other hand, and feel sad that it is not what I thought it was. Don't get me wrong, I took off the ring that changed my life when I came home from Ghana. I now stare at my graduation ring, and wish that it held more meaning to me. Graduation was not a milestone to me, it was merely finishing something I started once and no longer cared about. The other ring I wore was so much more than that.

I remember the day that my necklace broke while I was in Ghana. I cried when I held it in my hands. It was a month before I was coming home, and not long after I had been broken up with over the phone. For some reason, I told myself that until the anklet broke, there was still hope. I know this is foolish, but that was always the rule of Friendship Bracelets – it breaks and your friendship could as well. Maybe that is why I hung onto that anklet for so long. I wanted at least the friendship to continue.

Was that foolish? I don't know. I still want the friendship to continue, but I think it is over. I know, you all think I should have done it long ago, but I still miss my best friend. I know that best friend lied to me, but he also understood me.

I suddenly am finding it all so much harder to deal with. I am finding it harder to let go, the way I thought I already had. I miss him. And a year ago, everything changed. It only lasted for a couple of months, but everything I knew changed in the last year. I know most of it is for the best, but tonight, it feels lonely and not best at all. I am finding the memories of a year ago hard to repress. I am finding it hard to live the new life and not the old. I want the same things in so many ways. I want to go to that big thanksgiving dinner again, feeling like part of a family which is new to me. I want to share my thoughts and feelings with someone who will care. I want to feel the sense of love I felt a year ago this time.

In some ways, I think it is worse because it was a year ago. In some ways, it is because everything about my upcoming trip is the same, everything except that this time, Travis isn't there, encouraging me, helping me, loving me. This time, Travis isn't sharing any of it with me. Last year, I called my best friend every other day for the three months I was gone. This year, I know I cannot do that. I have no one to replace that with. I have so many people to share it with, but not with the one I am so used to sharing everything with. And that breaks my heart almost as much as losing him in the first place. Trav, if you are reading this, don't take it the wrong way. I want you to be happy, and obviously we cannot do that together, especially now that I am devoting my life to somewhere other than here. I just miss my best friend. For the rest of you, have no fear. As much as I miss him, I cannot put myself in a situation where he gets to hurt me as much again.

I don't know. Maybe I am just a hormonal mess today. My missing of Travis comes really hard every now and then, and I cry and feel sorry for myself. Today is obviously one of those days. I admit, I am a little scared of Ghana without that connection every time I wanted it. I am a little scared that I am making Ghana into some amazing thing, and that it will somehow let me down. And since it is impossible for a country to let me down, I guess I am afraid that I will let me down. As though maybe I made up dreams because it was easier than dealing with the loss of coming home, that I built Ghana up so that it was okay that I was coming home to nothing. I am sure these are just negative thoughts, but I feel as though I have so much resting on being in Ghana that maybe I haven't dealt with anything inside of Jenna which is causing problems. I am pretty sure that missing Trav as much as I do tonight means that I have yet to really deal with the loss of eight months ago. Is that natural? Am I somehow holding onto everything that is gone? The few times I thought about dating, the hurt has come up so strongly that I quickly put the idea aside, not that I have found anyone recently who I would bother dating. I don't know. Tonight I am just really confused and lonely. I don't know if I am going the right direction at all.

I think I have cried out my tears, so I am going to go try to sleep it off. These nights normally hit when I find myself ridiculously tired, and therefore emotional and psychotic. I am pretty sure I am not psychotic though, I just miss a man who really found every way without hitting me to hurt me. And in many ways, I still love him. I still pray for his happiness. I still pray we can be friends. And if life goes my way, I am having coffee with him before I leave the country again. It might hurt, I might cry, but I think it needs to be done.