I don't know if I can do this. I am not sure this is right for me. I was so confident, and so ready, and now, I am not so sure. And I am freaking out a little, because I don't know if I can do this, and it was my newest direction.
For starters, I would start teaching on January 11th, having started the program on January 10th. However, we only teach about 45 minutes a day, although we are in class for two and a half hours. We always have six people watching us and taking notes on us. The days are 9:15 am until probably 10 at night, although we leave the school at 6 pm. Every night we will have to plan a lesson plan for the next day, she says that will take 3-4 hours a night. For the weekends, we are given a written assignment to be handed in on Monday. All in all, we only get 6 hours of teaching, and we get to watch an experienced teacher for 6 hours as well.
If I want to help with literacy in Ghana, this program will not be enough. However, I do start the literacy program on Monday here in town. That's not a huge concern, I don't know where I am going really.
Next and major problem is that apparently I have no grammar skills. I thought they were fairly high, but apparently, I suck. Did you know that any sentence that starts with I wish and has a present tense in it i.e. “I wish I didn't go” makes it present tense? How many times have you said something like that about an event in the past? I know I say it all the time. Did you know that “I wish I never went” is slang? Your correct wording should be “I wish I hadn't gone.” I really struggled with this part of our conversation. “I wish I didn't go” made perfect sense to me. Did you know that the reason it is “I fell a lot” and not “I was falling a lot” (which I knew to be wrong) is because “was falling a lot” is called a past progressive, and means that it takes a longer amount of time than just to fall? Did you know that “skiing” could be both a noun and a verb? I didn't realize that by adding an “ing” to a sport or activity can make it a noun. Therefore, if I ask you “do you want to go skiing?” I am not asking if you want to do a verb, but a noun instead. I am still struggling with the logic in that along with the “I wish” scenario. I know that when I was told to put the stresses on a bunch of words, I had no idea where those belonged. In fact, if I remember way back to when I filled this application out, I knew I had don't poorly on it, because it was stuff I don't think I ever learned! Apparently, I am supposed to know all these things, and the fact that I don't makes me a bad grammar person.
The long and the short is that if I do not bring my grammar way up before January, I will fail the program. I also struggle with explaining why I use one word over another. She suggested some grammar workbooks, which I have to go through and teach myself grammar before the program starts. But, she did offer me a seat in the program. I have to let her know by Monday. She stressed that although my grammar sucked (okay, she said my grammar was poor), the course does go through other things as well, and although grammar is a big part, it is not everything. She was confident about the rest of it. However, I am no longer so sure. I have ten days before I leave, I can work on my grammar a lot in those ten days. But will I work on it enough in Ghana that it is worth it? Chapters sells the books for about $30. I could go today and hopefully pick it up. What if it is not in stock? Then I am screwed! Maybe if Chapters doesn't have it, Books and Company will – I know they have an ESL cafe night every Tuesday, and ESLers would need the book too, I am sure! Guess I have a mission for today. Head on out and buy some books, and sit down and start learning my grammar. The other option is that I turn down this seat, and think of a new future. Of course, as I realize that maybe I am not really cut out of this, I remember that I don't really want this on it's own. I want what comes at the end of this program, and my time spent overseas. I want to live a productive life, helping people, in a poor country where I am living happily. And I cannot do that unless I have 5 years overseas. I need CELTA to do that. I still want all of that. I still want to be out there, I still want to live amongst the world's poorest people, who are also, coincidentally, the world's happiest people. But, is CELTA right for me? Can I do this? I am not sure. There is a lot that scares the shit out of me about this course. I am that shy person that she suggests has trouble with the program, because they are up in front of people teaching on day 2. I don't even like public speaking! I get nervous, and my face goes bright red, and everyone knows that I am struggling with being there. How am I going to do this? How?
As I write this, I am trying to convince myself that I can do this. I am trying to tell myself that I can learn my grammar skills, and that I can teach on day two. I am trying to convince myself that it will be okay. But if I fail CELTA, I have lost at least $2500 and achieved nothing.
What do I do? What road should I take? How do I do this?
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