I watched a church session on TV while visiting some friends yesterday, and the preacher said some things that made a lot of sense and have stuck with me. He talked about the 'winds of life: the tailwind, the crosswind and the headwind'. We were reminded that head winds held challenge for us, and although very trying, success against the headwind provided the most beneficial results. The crosswind blows us off course sometimes, but sometimes you find what you never knew you were missing while you are off that course. The tailwind, the man warned, was the most dangerous wind for people. Life is going great, everything is easy, we stop trying to work on ourselves or our lives, because suddenly, they do not look like they need help. However, all winds are only temporary, and when you stop paying attention during the tail wind, the other winds seem so much stronger and more like punishment. I know I have felt like this. I can't count the amount of times I have said “every time I stand back up, I am immediately knocked back down.” I still want to justify my thoughts, because I think that with Depression, I am still trying hard even when the headwind changes to a tailwind, but I also can see that because life is not quite as bad, I do stop trying as hard. Interesting. I had never thought about it like that until yesterday. Now that it is something I am aware of, I need to be more conscious about my actions. I am very aware that I am in charge of my responses and reactions to the events in my life, and for the last year, I have been trying to keep myself out of trouble by talking gently to myself, and reacting in a more positive way. You cannot control the winds, but you can control your actions when the wind direction changes.
I know I am two and a half months early, but I think that 2010 has been a great year, maybe even an amazing year. I see you scrolling through my blog right now, wondering how I got to this conclusion considering the amount of hurt entries you have read. At the same time, I see you smiling, because you are happy that I can feel that way despite of everything. I climbed a jagged, steep mountain for many months. It cut and bruised me. I stumbled. Sometimes, I had to climb the steep parts again. But, I have made it to the top, and I can see the world. I see another steep climb in the future, but, the valley before I get there only has minor ups and downs, compared with the mountain I climbed this year.
In 2010, I have found true friends. Many of these friends have been around for many years, I just never opened my eyes enough to notice that they were always there for me. Some of them I have known for years, but didn't realize that we had a friendship until this year. Some were lost to me, and we have been reconnected. And yes, I have made new friends this year! I end every day being thankful for my friends, my family, and anyone who loves me! I pray for each and everyone of you every night before I go to sleep. I know I still claim to have no friends, but I know that I have amazing ones when I admit it to myself. So today, thank you. You mean the world to me!
In 2010, I found a life path. When I can make myself think about it (which is not when I have a headwind). I am going to Ghana in 17 days (you will have to check my other blog for Ghana information! Hahahhahahha). I just emailed CELTA to make sure they are going to interview me soon. This week would work so much better for me than next week! Next week I am going to take a course here in PG. It is called Train the Tutor, and it teaches adults how to teach literacy skills to other adults. I am pretty excited for it. And then! It is practically time to get on my plane!
Yes, my life is definitely on a good route right now. And don't worry, I am still working on everything I need to work on, not just riding this tailwind! In many ways, I am incredibly thankful for Travis as well. He allowed many of the greatest people into my life, and even though he might not like it now, that's no longer my concern. I have an amazing nephew who makes my heart smile just to be near him. He makes me laugh so hard. He is a little disappointed right now, because I told him that I wouldn't see him until after Santa came, and he thinks I should see him before then. He wants me to be with him on Halloween at Grammy and Papa's house, but I just don't think I can swing that trip. He will forget, but still. Marlene and Derek are amazing too. I love hanging out with them, and chatting with them. I feel like I can tell them anything and everything. And I feel so at home when I am with them! His family (even his aunts and uncles) are sure to tell me that they still think about me, and that I am always welcome. It always makes me smile, because I fell in love with his entire family the first time I met them as well! I know Trav doesn't like it, but people make friends with whoever they want. It takes two people to make a friendship, so the fact that I still want that friendship and it is still happening doesn't make it my doing alone.
I am having nightmares again (still?). I don't remember them as clearly as I remember my slasher dreams that started last year in Ghana, and I don't run screaming until I find someone alive, but I do wake up a little concerned. This last week they have been more nightmare-ish though. I know I have woken up after each one and stayed awake for a little while before I go back to sleep. Someone suggested that if I actually read the information packets that come with my drugs I might realize that this is normal. But, I never do that! That's silly!
Much love!
don't forget that everything Ghana in found at jennamcallister.blogspot.com
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