Job Depression

I did what I never hoped to have to do. I applied for what I consider to be “below me” jobs. But, I chose the least below me I could think of. Starbucks, Tim Horton’s and Save On Foods received online applications from me last night. However, I did not give up on my hopes for more, steady work from CNC. I applied for only evening hours, leaving time to work 8-4 for good money in between! I felt incredibly depressed while I was filling out the applications. When I left WIS for CNC, I hoped to never have to go back to a job which pays so little. But, I am driving myself crazy in not having a job, I am bored the minute I wake up, and there is nothing to do (especially in this cold spring time weather) to keep me entertained all day long! I find myself napping for something to do. Its lonely sitting at home alone all day you know!

So, I broke down and applied. If these places do not hire me, I have to continue to look for jobs that although below me, are suitable enough for me. Staples and London Drugs I think are the next stops. It’s just so hard, after making so much money so easily to have to go to minimum wage again. I know how those laid off mill workers felt! No wonder they chose unemployment instead! Believe me, it is tempting. But, then I still have the fact that I am bored and driving myself crazy. I think it is because I am actually healing. I do not feel nearly as depressed. I can, most days, talk about Travis without tears. I have forgiven both of us, and although I did not feel anything at the time, I do feel relieved now. It’s in the past, and I am finally moving on. However, because I am not drowning in depression, I require something to do. It’s funny how that works hey? I am no longer content with staring at the walls around me for the day. Although, I still quite often lose time, and find that I have been sitting at the computer for 2 hours, and no one has even been online talking to me….

After doing my three applications last night, when I said I was going to bed, I found that when I actually went to bed, I was unable to sleep. Suddenly, my mind was alive with things. Maybe I will take a program at Justice Institute in Vancouver that will help me overseas – I need to look into the value of that. Maybe I should get my TESL and go teach English abroad. Many of the international jobs I have been looking at all require at least 2 years of overseas work before you will be considered for the job. Teaching at least, would bring in a salary of some sort instead of the volunteer work I love! And I know it would be a worthwhile job. I need to find somewhere that does a TESL course nearby, and maybe give a shout out to some of our ESL teachers at CNC. Thank goodness for email technology! I desperately want to travel the world, and see what else is out there. I am proud to be Canadian, but I know that Canada and America is not the only way of life. Ghana enthralled me with the vastness of its culture and love for one and other. I want to do all of Africa, I want to do Europe and Asia (I know Asia pays well for ESL as well…), I want to do South America, I want to do it all! That’s part of why I now seek the career path that I seek. I have fallen in love with travelling, and I have fallen in love with other cultures. My love for children is a long standing affair that I am proud to have. All I need to do is figure out how to make all of these things into one reality: a career.

Of course, my mind was also full of the thoughts that I had just applied for three jobs that I don’t really want, but would have to be happy to have. No one forced me to apply except myself. I need to work. I need to do something. So, my racing mind was running through the whys of why I did it. I got up and wrote a pro and con list to see what I was thinking. Surprisingly to me, but maybe not to you who see the value in any job, the list was high on the pros and low on the cons. I tend to be a bit pessimistic, but I am working on that again, and last night’s list proved that to me again. They say that if you think positive thoughts, positive things will come to you.

Positives to working at any of the three locations I applied to last night”
- They employ many ‘younger’ people (whereas at the college we young folks are the minority), and that leads to a chance to make friends, and gain a social life (however, I applied to work all evening, every evening, so that could make that challenging…. It also takes away from me time if I am to get a full time daytime job – which I am holding out for still).
- GHANA. I need money to go back and to travel with Andrea in the fall, this is a way to get that, even if they pay much less than I am used to making – it is more than I am making sitting here blogging!
- Networking. I will meet more people and perhaps get new ideas on how to find my ideal career. I realize that this is only a job and not a career for me, so I should take what I can get and take the chance at meeting new people.
- Having a job, even if only evenings and weekends for now (there must be work for me at CNC!) means that I have less time to sit here and feel sorry for myself (although, the pay decrease seems like more reasons to feel sorry for myself….) and less time to think about things that have gone wrong, those that have left my life, and all those other depressing thoughts I am so good at thinking!
- I am driving myself crazy without a job, so I am ready and needing to find a job!
- If I am going to take courses, I need to be able to pay the tuition on them! And courses will improve my life and my chances of getting the job that I dream of!
- If I have something to do, it will make me more active and maybe less tired? I am not sure this works, but again, it is worth a try, I am always so tired and am getting really tired of it!
So, I mingled my few cons in with those pros as the counter argument. I really don’t have many cons now do I? At this point, what do I have to lose except a little bit of false pride?

Other than the depressing job situation that I find myself in, life is going pretty good. I have been doing some work from that “Bible” us girls know and love. I think I was ready, because it all came pretty easily to me. I only worked with it in regards to Travis issues, but I think it helped a lot. I feel pretty good about it all now!

However, because of the depressing job situation, I don’t have much to report. I went to Canada Day in the park, I still don’t know why I insist on going every year – it is like the PGX – a must go to say you went, but no real reason to go event. I watched the incredible game that Ghana and Uruguay played. I think that hand ball on the goal line should still count as a goal. In my world, the ref messed up! Lol. Yes, I know the rules of the game, and I know he followed them. It is just so lame! That was our goal! It was in. If he couldn’t head it out, then there should have been no other obstacle. In my world, Ghana beat Uruguay; we just didn’t make it to the finals! What a great game Ghana!

So, that’s my life, in this week’s nutshell. Love you!