Can't sleep, clowns will eat me. Never mind, that only happens at 5 am, and it had yet to be clowns, but is always something. If it is not getting me, it is getting someone I love. If we are all escaping, believe me, we are all running for our lives. And if no one is after me and my loved ones, perhaps I am after someone or something. Always violent, always starting at 5 am. This has been going on about a month now, maybe a little more. Justin suggested that this might be a result of the amount of death in my life. Not death per say, but the chance of death, the thought of losing loved one to death or other things. I accepted that at the time, it seemed pretty reasonable. Tonight, I think it is my “death” that is suffocating me into these dreams. The more I sit here unemployed the more I feel a little bit dead. I don't do anything, because really, what is there to do? I am applying for jobs that I have no interest in, and admitting that I have other career goals in the application process, because, well, I do. There is not a job in this town that I would want to stay with as a career. Even at the college, I do it because it pays good money, not because I am in love with the job. So, maybe it is my death, slowly dying because of lack of dreams, lack of job and lack of whatever else I will allow myself. If it is me, then I vow to change it!
But, my crazy dreams are not the reason I cannot sleep now. This week, it seems that my brain only works when I try to go to sleep. So tonight, because my eyes are slowly closing on me, but I cannot even get comfortable, and I am yelling “STOP” inside my head more than I am not, I thought maybe I should just get up and write it out. My doctor suggested that sleeping problems come from letting the bed be used for something besides sleep (not that, you perverts!). She said I should avoid reading in bed; I don't read in bed, but I decided that maybe getting up would stop the problem tonight. If I write it out, maybe I can sleep!
Tonight it is questions of my future which keep me awake. It seems like now is the time to make huge choices, now is the time to make the changes my life requires, but I feel like I need to go a million directions RIGHT NOW, and do not know which is the right or the first path to take. Obviously, I am human and cannot be stretched in a million directions. I will break – if not physically, then emotionally!
I have come into money that would allow my adoption of Desmond easier. However, I still do not know if this is correct. I love the boy, I would love to watch him grow up, to help him grow in the right directions, to be there for his every hurt. However, is a single parent with loads of love enough? Is our culture really better than his? Could I even handle raising a child on my own? Do I want to? I still want to travel, and I still want to have a family, and yes, I still want both right now. Which is more important to me? Which will benefit me more down the line? Will I regret one if I do the other? Ultimately, I think my original decision that I have to leave Desmond in Ghana is the path I must take. My cousin suggested that I could raise the child on my own, and that I should not wait for a man to let my dreams come true. While this rang true, I also still feel very strongly that I should have a father to offer a child as well. I know I came out just fine from growing up in a broken family, but I know many people that did not. However, my choice on Desmond I think comes from the rest of me knowing that even though I love him as though he was my own, I think he is better off in Ghana. So I pray that he has a good life, and that he knows that I love him. I still hope to be able to go see him the next time I am in Ghana, where ever he is.
So, having decided against my baby, now what? I want to travel, but my traveling is based upon my girlfriend's ability to travel, financially. I KNOW you are going to say something about limiting myself through what others can or cannot, will or will not do. However, travel is something I have always wanted to do, but I have never wanted to do it alone. I would still love to take my life partner on these adventures with me, but this is one case where I will not wait for a man to make my dreams come true. I will however, wait for Andrea's bank account to allow it. If Andrea can swing it, I am out of here, practically on the next plane for the trip! We would at least do parts of Europe together. Ideally, this trip coincides with my trip to Ghana which I am still planning around December. Andrea is currently in Ghana and not back for another 2 weeks, so I am waiting on this part of my life until she gets home and can make some decisions.
Another of my dreams is to see the world, and to have a career where I can be amongst some of the world's most amazing people (where ever I find them – those who have nothing but appreciate it, those who know that love, family, friends and community is enough). I have been thinking about getting my TESOL (Teaching English as a Second or Other Language) however, even this has me torn. I don't really want to teach, but TESOL puts me in a different sort of position. This position can benefit me in many ways, that relate to my other dreams. If I were to get my TESOL, chances of me being able to work in Asia where they can afford to pay their English teachers is high. This would then allow me to gain valuable hours overseas while making some money. A lot of the schools there, from what my recent research shows me, also pay the teacher's room and board, along with a salary. From what I see of humanitarian work, 3-5 years of overseas experience is required. TESOL is one of the only ways I see myself being able to meet that requirement. I obviously cannot afford to volunteer for 3 years when my three months cost me 10 grand! (Yes, I realize that I did a lot of travel and fun things in those three months). So, after a couple of years teaching overseas (which is obviously a little different from just plain teaching here – it is a new culture and experience unlike one in our own culture), I would find myself more eligible for the jobs which attract me now. I would also have a better idea of what teaching is like, along with the obvious experience of living over seas permanently. Obviously, I could also take different contracts to broaden the experience even more.
Okay, so it kind of sounds like I have talked myself into that one, despite my protests of going back to school and being a teacher. The next question is, if I do my TESOL, where do I do it? Vancouver Community College offers a 10 month diploma program for a TESOL, costing approximately 4 grand, plus accommodations for your 10 month stay. I do not know anyone that can take a roommate for 10 months! Thompson Rivers University offers a TESOL in a semester (5 courses), based on normal course fees ($145 a course or whatever). Is there a huge difference between a 10 month and a four month program? What are the benefits of each? Which would be more worth my while? UNBC also offers what they claim to be a TESOL course for $900, running once a month for four months. That doesn't seem nearly as worth while as the other two. Vancouver Community College also offers an intensive one month program. I think I would feel more comfortable with a slightly longer program. I have no teaching experience at all!
If I go back to school to get my TESOL, then I have to plan my travel around it. TRU offers the program every semester, including the summer. I could start in September, January, or April. VCC starts only in September. UNBC's starts in January. If I am to start this January, say at TRU, then my travel plans need to be finished in time for me to move to Kamloops and take my program. Or, do I wait another year? I know my father will tell me that I can live with him, but is the cost of a car less than the cost of living on campus? I will probably need a part time job in Kamloops as well... is the cost of the commute worth the efforts?
Currently, I am having trouble finding the pay wage which I have grown accustomed to. I am going to have to settle to much closer to minimum wage than my pride would like. As it is, each application I make stabs another little needle into my pride. But if I am going to make all of this a reality, my pride also says I need to get back into the workforce, regardless of where it is. I know I have savings, but I have brought myself up (maybe my parents and grandparents had a part) to work for what I want. This means I do not get to sit on my ass any longer. I need a job, and I will have to find one, regardless of the cost to my ego. Maybe it is time for my ego to come down a notch or two anyways. Funny I say that, as I am just learning to love myself again. That is probably the cause of all this turmoil within me. I have spent the last five months hating me and where I am in life, and here I am, loving me, and changing where I am in life.
So to sum up my nasty, keep-awake thoughts: baby or travel? Travel or work? Teach and travel, or work at home? Dream 1 or Dream 2? TRU or VCC? 10 month or four month? TESOL or no TESOL? Teach or not teach?
I don't have the answers. I guess a lot of it I will actually base on another person. If I can do only one flight to England and base my life from there, why not right?
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