For a girl who suffers from exhaustion, I am having issues sleeping today. The last couple of nights have been “tough” in falling asleep. Tonight, I cannot even get comfortable in bed. In some ways, I am kicking myself for not going swimming or anything today to get some exercise into me, but I was so tired and sick feeling this morning, I couldn't convince myself it was a good idea. But of course, something turned my brain on as I started to get ready for bed tonight as well. Most nights, I find that I am still comfortable in bed, just thinking a million things at once. Tonight, it has me turning with each new thought that comes into my head. So, I thought that maybe if I wrote it out, I would feel better and be able to sleep.
I was told today to not let my iron counts slow my travel plans down. However, I did nothing with this information all day, waiting to talk to Mom about it first. Mom got home late and we had a little discussion, but essentially that put the gears in motion. This could explain why I cannot sleep as well – there are thoughts of GHANA running through my head! (It's almost like the night before Christmas!). Mom's only comments were to make sure I had enough time to get any booster shots I need done – and to maybe look into that before I book the tickets. Good plan Mom!
I think I am going to call Walmart in the morning. I am going to explain to the girl that my life has changed drastically in the last 2 months since my interview. This is a little bit of a falsification, as this was always my plan. However, if I had started work two months ago, it wouldn't feel so … bad to me. I am going to explain that I will only have about 5 weeks before I will be gone for three months – for school and some travel. I will ask her point blank which would be better for everyone in this situation. I am assuming that I will be told to re-apply when I “am ready to work for them” (as she said in last nights Orientation phone call). Although I would like to work for the next 5 weeks, I am having moral issues with it. Work 2 weeks and put in my notice? I don't think that looks good on me, no matter how much I think they have effed me around. If they tell me that's fine and dandy with them, well then I will be there!
I realized today, after I finished my book and had accomplished nothing beyond my pap smear, that I am becoming depressed again. Okay, I knew this before (as I am sure you did as well). But, with the habits I am forming, I am digging my own grave. I know that I bailed on exercise today because I have a cold coming on. That is a valid reason to me. But, the lack of anything to do, is going to put me right back where I have fought so hard to leave. BBBS asked me the other day if I might be interested in some part time (volunteer for now) work at the new after school care centre they just opened. I told them I could definitely consider that, although, of course, it would be better if it were a paid thing. I haven't heard anything more, but that could be a useful thing for me, especially if I am not going to have my 20-25 hours a week at Walmart. I need to make an effort to get out of the house, even if I don't really have anything to do. It's time to start tanning again, so that is an hour every other day I could take on. I know it is a need to leave the house – baking all day will also not help improve my situation, although it might make me feel a little less sorry for myself for having nothing to do. Of course, it might also make me fat. I am definitely going to try for a swim on Friday. Tomorrow, I think at best, I will go to the tanning salon, and make some more muffins and things. I bought the supplies today, but couldn't make myself do anything with it. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I am working towards my dreams. It's okay that I am bored, but I need to not dwell on it! There is always the possibility that if I get a life (i.e. friends) that I might gain some of my energy back as well. It's worth a try. Everything is worth a try. What do I have to lose?
In my attempt to sleep, I also had a list of things which I want to bring to Ghana with me this time, knowing more about their needs than I did. My old counselor (Kelly) had told me that she thought she would be able to get me some backpacks of school supplies for the kids to take with me. If she can supply a lot of them, I would take up to 45. This would cover the children in our orphanage, along with those that I know in the neighbourhood. Alternatively, I could help with the local children more than our kids. This remains left to be determined, as I have not emailed Kelly yet. I want to buy packages of underwear for them – both the boys and the girls. Ideally, I would like to bring enough for 2 new pairs for each child, but that is at least 60 pairs of underpants. I might have to think about this a little. I am pretty sure we have gained some children as well. My non-artsy-ness has decided that I should bring some crafts for them as well. Whenever Andrea brought out her crafts, they really seemed to enjoy it. Maybe Christmas crafts? I guess I will see what I find that is cheap. I can already see this being a $300 bill! Too bad if Walmart doesn't still take me – I could use that 10% discount they would give me! All of this is, as usual, out of my own pocket. I know I could try to get things donated, but I feel... bad doing things like that.
I need to call that church again. It has been 10 months since I saw them! That is ridiculous and poorly planned on my part. I will call the lady who gave the biggest donation again tomorrow. She still hasn't seen the books. She told me to call her back in a couple of weeks, back in probably early July. I guess my couple of weeks takes a really long time! This is a goal for tomorrow. I figure if I have goals and projects, then I cannot be as bored and feel as sorry for myself. Again, it's worth a shot. I really should have done this months ago, I really hope they understand.
Well, well, well. I seem to be drawing blanks on anything else going through my head. Maybe I have written myself out of brain waves to keep me awake!
Church and scrapbooks.
Vaccinations.
Ticket.
Visas.
Departure date: 5 weeks!
Let my dreams come true!
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