Out of Sorts.

I feel a little out of sorts this week, so I am going to try to explain it all... bare with me! Last night I didn't sleep well, I felt so sad and lost and near tears. It was one of those nights where you are awake every hour, on the hour and are convinced that you do not sleep in between although you must have.

I had my blood work done. Apparently I have practically no iron stores in my body. I went from an iron count of 26 in March coming home from Ghana where we didn't eat meat or anything else that I know has iron in it, to a lousy 10 last week. 15 is the lowest a person's iron counts should be. I guess I wasn't really thinking, I didn't ask her why my iron counts could have plummeted, but I did tell her that I think it is odd when I eat a more balanced diet here than we ever did while I was in Ghana. I am now on Iron Pills to try to bring myself up to a better level. So far (after a whole 3 days), I feel no difference. I am still sleeping many hours a day. I still need a nap. It's pretty pathetic. And, it makes me know that I cannot really go traveling when my body is so unstable. That breaks my heart. All I want right now is to be in Ghana, but there are a lot of big “what-ifs” out there about my health. I see my doctor again in the middle of October, after I get my blood tested again. That is two weeks from when I want to leave. What do I do? Do I book my tickets anyways? Do I wait and see? Do I go despite it all? Do I go without being able to get travel insurance? Give me the answers I need. Please. Going back to Ghana is all I have been thinking about for months. Feels pretty normal to me that it would be my body that makes this impossible for me. My body, which the random bleeding bothered me for 5 years. My body which the doctors tell me is normal when abnormal things are happening. My body: the cause of my demise.

Another issue that is plaguing me these days. Nathaniel. I know I adore the child, and I am pretty sure he adores me as well. Am I doing the right thing by keeping him in my life, or I am just going to hurt him in the long run? That is exactly the situation I am trying to avoid. I know the pain of abandonment, I know how much it hurts to love someone and have them disappear from your life. And I know it is even harder when you are little. When you are little, those questions of “what did I do wrong” become ingrained in your thinking, following throughout your entire adult life as well. Hurting him is the last thing I want to do to him. The thought of him believing in love the way that a lot of adults in his life belief, breaks my heart. He is such an amazing little boy. However, I do plan on leaving him. Not him in particular, but Canada and the life I live here. Of course, there are more issues that relate to Nathaniel that come entirely from me. When I start dating, is whoever I date going to be okay with the fact that I am still with my ex's family? Is he going to be okay with that I hang out with his son on a regular basis? Will it be okay that I call my ex's mom 'Mom'? I asked an old friend (who I might still have a crush on, ten years later) what he would think if it were him dating me. He said that he understands that past relationships remain a part of your life, because you were with them for so long. He said that especially in regards to my friendship with my ex's son that he understands that. He said that he hated people that 'abandon' children. I laughed with relief. But I think it might be a divorced kid mentality. He says that I just shouldn't date anyone that doesn't understand.

I am going out to Travis' grandparents next weekend. I am hoping to take Nathaniel with me. I see it as a “Goodbye” to his grandparents. I have somewhat decided that I am keeping Mom and Nathaniel in my life, and that's all there is to it. However, I think I am going to let go of the rest. I want to see Don and Betty again. I want them to know that I appreciate all they did for us. And I want Nathaniel to be able to see them too. On the phone they told me that they don't see him very often at all. That makes me so sad, but it is not really my problem. I can decide to be there for Nathaniel, but I cannot make others be. Everyone else is just as able to call Natasha and arrange visits as I am. So, hopefully Nate and I will go out there. Some of Trav's cousins will be out there too, which will be nice. If we develop friendships, it is totally because we have decided to. It is no longer a 'family' type connection. I know it is a healthy move I am making to say some goodbyes, but it still makes me so sad. Trav's family all accepted me and welcomed me into the family within minutes of meeting me. I have never felt that acceptance before. Don't get me wrong, as most of you that read this are my family, but that is different. We have known each other for ever. You were forced to love me as a child and now you love me because I am me, or something!

I applied for school yesterday, well I mailed the application. The application was really long, and hard. It told me to use any resources I needed to use, but it was hard. It hurt my head. It made me wonder if I am cut out for this program. It is a month and it is really intense. Yes, I am afraid. It's been three years since I was in school, and school came pretty easy to me. Writing essays was like writing my poetry. The BS just flowed out of me! This is real. This will challenge everything I am. This is 8 grueling hours a day, five days a week, for a month, plus homework! If I am as tired as I am right now, that will also mean frustrated tears as well! What if I cannot do it? What if I don't even get accepted? This course is my future. Oh God. What do I do?

As previously alluded to, I seem to have a crush. This is throwing me for loops as well. I have not seen him in years, but the minute we started chatting again, all those old feelings bubbled up from somewhere deep inside of me. I didn't know they still existed. I haven't thought about him in ages. We are supposed to hang out this weekend, but we haven't made any firm plans. What am I doing, thinking about a relationship when I just want to leave the country? Am I thinking about it because I am lonely? Am I thinking about it to prove a point? Do I merely want people to know that I have moved on? Have I? I don't have any of these answers. I had emailed Trav the other day, and he responded last night. Although the email had nothing to do with me per say, it made me sad, and I cannot explain why. Maybe I was just sad already. I seem to have a lot going on my mind right now, none of which is really good. I currently feel like all the dreams I have been working on this year are collapsing at my feet, when all I want is to live them! I don't know why I feel like this either. Everything is going well! Why am I falling apart? Maybe it is because I am pretty much unemployed – don't even get me started on Walmart who hired me almost a month ago! I have two 3 hour shifts and a full day scheduled at CNC between today and October 12th. Pretty lame hey?

Anyways, I have to go to counseling today, to see what I get for a new counselor for the fall. I am working on being active again, so I think I will walk down there, although I will probably have to take the bus to work to get there on time. I think the day I told you I swam 3 kms was a lie. I swam 2.5 kms on Tuesday and it took me an hour and a half. Not sure what happened to my math, but I know that Tuesday's was correct, as the lanes are only 25 metres long (painfully short!) and I did 100 lengths. I walked up the hill yesterday. So today, so that I do not get lazy, I am going to walk downtown to my meeting. Big Brothers says that hopefully we can start up again next week. I am going to make whatever day I see Nickolas the day I also probably do my counseling and swimming if I can swing it. That way, if I were to work at WalmartSchmalmart, I could have a day where I do everything. We will see how that works into my unemployed schedule though. I could actually get a Four Seasons pass and swim downtown and then go to counseling and then go home after! Wouldn't that work nicely? But, I do need to get going if I am going to walk there – I will need to bring lunch with me, to eat at about 4 when I am at work!