Willpower is Failing Me.

Welcome to the new blog, where half the world will not know about my foes; apparently people send my blog to anyone wanting to know about Ghana, so I have reduced the old blog to just Ghana and things like that, and this, this is my new blog, all about me.

Today was a particularly rough day, although I am not sure why. By lunch, I felt like bursting into tears. Travis reassured me that nobody hated me like I thought, but I just didn’t fit in anymore, because I have been gone for seven months. That didn’t help my feelings of everyone hating me, nor did it stop the tears from hiding just behind my eyes. The afternoon didn’t get any better; I managed to get out of the college before the tears came forth. I fought the whole way home to not give into the tears because I needed to be okay enough to do Brownies this evening. Some of them snuck through my will power though. However, for the most part, I have held it all inside. It’s true. I feel like everything I did today was wrong, and that nobody wanted me around. One girl I worked with said that she needed to tell another girl something after 4. I was convinced that it was about me, because I go home at 4. A part of me knows that this is ridiculous, but a part of me fears it is true.

Brownies did help, but not really enough. The girls that I have known the past were great – they all remembered me and were chatty. The other girls were still chatty enough. It was a nice evening. But it was still too much for me. Work is too much for me. Good thing my job takes MAD SKILLS or I wouldn’t be able to do it. It takes mad skills to photocopy and make packages from many piles of paper. But really, I am not complaining. I know that I couldn’t face the students right now. Even overhearing the students and all their problems and stresses, stresses me out and makes me angry. It is a very good thing that I didn’t get the other job I applied for, as I am now convinced that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I run fully out of steam at about 2 pm, and then I have another two hours to go. I could almost go to bed for the night when I get home at 4:30. My counselor suggested we continue to meet earlier, as it appeared that I was falling asleep in the office. *shrugs*, I was. I am going to bed early most days (tonight is LATE! But I wanted to do this stuff to my blog and I need to write today), and getting almost ten hours of sleep. I still wake up exhausted. I see my doctor again on Tuesday, and I am hoping that she can give me something to help. Right now, I honestly don’t have the willpower to live, but I am good at needing to do things for others, so I am getting out of bed, I am going to work, I am making it through each day. If I had my way, I wouldn’t move for hours on end. Tonight, I waited for a ride for over an hour. I didn’t realize any of that time had gone by until the cold seeped far into my bones. As I think about it now, it seems like that other’s that had rides came and went in lightning speed. And by the shivering still in my bones, I gather I was cold long before I realized it. My cousnellor asked me how I could fix my life. I told her that there was no fix, I just had to learn to live it. Do you have any idea how much effort that takes? Far more than I have. She asked if I had no will to live, how I kept making it through each day. I told her that I hated letting people down, so I didn’t. I told her that as long as I have something I am supposed to do, I will normally get myself there. I might not be at my best, but I will be there. Everything I do, it is for someone else. I don’t want this job, but I do want to go back to Ghana. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, but I want to go back to Ghana, and so I have a job I have to go to. Most of my evening activities, I could cancel without a second thought, but I hate it when people do that to me. She asked what brings me to her office every week. I told her that I couldn’t live like this, so I was doing all that I had in me to try to fix it, but that it wasn’t working and I was just getting more tired and fed up with my life. I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like everything requires so much energy that I do not have and cannot muster up. Even writing this blog has hit that point, so I am going to leave, in the middle of my thoughts and go to bed.