Update!

My doctor is happy with my increased dose of drugs, she is leaving me on it for the rest of my prescription (about a month and a half left) and then we will re-evaluate where I am at. She was excited that I am started counselling today. I have only been on the upped dose for 9 nights, so that’s not really enough. I told her that I felt a little less foggy, but still not right. I am okay enough with this adventure. I don’t like playing around with the drugs when I feel like shit! And my guess is that she pulls me off of these ones in favour of something else if I don’t improve this time, mostly because I am so tired. And the mix of a little upped drugs and some counselling is a good combination, and the fact that they are all done by me shows that I am trying in some way.

Counselling. Kelly is really nice, I quite like her. She is maybe 35? Probably not even that old. I was her second EVER appointment though, so... We talked a lot about Travis. He is really my biggest “problem” right now – because I cannot get over him, I cannot move on with my life in anyway. Trav is mixed in a little with how I am struggling with this society as well. I didn’t deal with negative emotions while I was in Ghana, so now they are... somehow worse. I would like for her to give more insight, but I guess it all does have to come from within me. I just want it to be easy! I am seeing her again next Thursday afternoon upon my return from Edmonton. I have two homework assignments: 1) Because going to the river is the one thing I can come up with that I enjoy doing, I need to find a way to bring it from a 5 on the enjoyment scale to a 5.5; 2) I need to brainstorm some ways to keep Trav in my life without loving him as I do – I told her straight up that although he might not be good to have in my life, I planned to keep him there, in some way! Really, quite some minor things to think about, but a little overwhelming. The river has always only been a 5; and I miss Travis! She did suggest that I try to distance myself from other people’s problems (as I make them my own) but I do not currently have the skills to do that

I applied for my job at CNC, but right now, I really don’t want it. Mom still thinks I have a good chance, and I probably do, but as Kelly said (my counsellor), I am very in tune with the negative but cannot see any positive. I know somewhere in me that the job would be good for me, but I am afraid. I am afraid that I am not mentally able, I am afraid that I will fail, I am afraid I will be fired. The entire thought of a job terrifies me and I am not sure why. Good thing I did most of the work on the resume when I first got home, otherwise it might have been too much work! I also used the same cover letter that I sent it in with last time! It’s the same job after all.... And yes, I know it is the depression that makes me afraid. We talked a little about why I threw up last week; she thinks anxiety on going back to work, I tend to agree. That doesn’t make it any easier to go back! She blamed the new environment and the new people. I didn’t tell her (although I should have) that I have done it all before with them.

Edmonton, here I come!