Emotions

Trip two to the counselor today. With me feeling less in love with Travis, and more just missing my friend, we came to some useful points of interest. I describe Travis with only negative terminology, and then I declare him my best friend. I call him my best friend because he is the ONLY person who has ever completely understood where my thoughts come from. He is the first person I have not had to explain myself too completely. Sometimes, I didn’t even have to speak at all. I knew that within an hour of us actually hanging out, and I have clung to that. I even admitted it then. With every breakup we had over the last year and a half, I always missed my best friend: he who understood me without question. Every fight we had, he was still the one I wanted to talk to, because I knew he understood where my feelings were at. I don’t have much good to describe when it comes to how he treated me, but I still feel so much for him. I love Travis, and if things had gone our way, I would marry him still. But, he has never been a good friend. Most days when I needed him the most, he wasn’t there. He let me down when he knew intrinsically how much I needed him there. Sometimes, I thanked him for it later because I learned to deal with whatever crisis on my own. However, there were many days when I knew I could do it on my own, but that didn’t make it the best way to do it. Travis’ friendship is important to me. Every time he was at my side, I felt not only complete, but I felt like I could do anything. I knew I had support. I knew I had a wonderful man at my side to catch and to coach me. Even now, I will not let you describe Travis negatively. He is confused and hurting, and I want to help him. I know that there is a wonderful man trapped inside him; that is the man I love. Time is passing, and with each day, a new reason to be single appears to me. I am slowly letting go of our relationship, but I do not want to yet let go of the friendship. I told Travis that I would be his friend, be it tomorrow or ten years down the road, and I plan to keep that promise. I believe that we can overcome where we are at right now, and become friends again. Friends without benefits; friends without hurt. I believe that with everything I am. We cannot work together, but we can be friends.

I also learned that I have never truly expressed my negative emotions towards anyone else. I should have known this, but it took my counselor describing an activity that she wants me to do someday, where you acknowledge your negative emotions towards others or work that you lock inside, and you learn to find productive ways to let it out. My dear reader, when was the last time you knew I was mad at you? Did you know because I told you and we talked about it, or because my body language changed? Did I ever acknowledge it to you? I doubt it. I hate fights, and I hate conflict. I tend to keep my thoughts that might cause that deep inside me. You might see that I am mad, but I will seem to get over it quickly. Is it gone, or did I just bury it inside me? Does the anger still burn inside me today? Probably. I don’t know if I will ever allow myself to tell you, but maybe I can find a way to let it out of me through writing. I do believe that talking about emotions and problems makes them no longer yours alone, and therefore, not nearly so stressful. I often write about these issues more than I talk about them though. That’s just as good of an avenue. I don’t think I need to tell you why I am mad at you, but I do need to recognize the emotion within myself and let it back out. I can see positive reasons to tell you about my anger or disappointment or whatever negative feeling I feel towards you or our relationship, but mostly, I see hurt and pain. I don’t want to cause people hurt and pain, so I keep it to myself.

I am going to do her exercise seriously, and hopefully talk to her about it all next week when I see her again. I also need to pick up my “bible” again, and start doing the exercises in there as well. I step over it to get to my computer, so at least ten times a day. I know I am exhausted and the thought of adding more to my mind takes away my motivation. But I cannot live like this anymore. I hate being this girl. I hate dragging my feet on everything I do. I just am having trouble finding the energy to make it better. Baby steps. Maybe I read my chapter today and do the exercise the next day. That’s still going forward. My counselor asked me today why I think that a friendship like the one I have with Travis (which is not the only one of that kind) is acceptable to me. I answered honestly because I have no self esteem and no self worth. I had those things, a mere year ago. It’s time I brought them back. I know that is something I need to do alone, and I need to do now. Where is my motivation when I need it? I sound motivated tonight, but I have a pounding headache and am exhausted and thinking about bed. Tomorrow, I say. Tomorrow will probably only bring another excuse though, and I know this in my heart and soul. I guess I am not low enough yet, but I am losing my will to fight quickly.

I start work on Monday, for five weeks. Something has to give before then. I have been working on being alive and awake for 8 consecutive hours, but by the end of it, I am entirely exhausted. I feel like my life already has too much going on in it, and I am not working at all! I am doing nothing! I don’t know how to find the energy and motivation to fix me, therefore, I currently cannot fix me, and that makes me sad.