My Grandmother’s funeral was today. It was only (well, only that I admitted it) at her graveside this morning, that I realized just how much she meant to me. She influenced me, she was always there. People described Grama as giving everything she had, and never stopping to worry about how it might affect her down the road. Sound familiar? It sounds to me just like me. I want people to have just as many nice things to say when I die as they did about my Grama. There was a slideshow of her life (very well done Ladies!) and as I watched it, I felt tears fill my eyes. Most of that was my life as well (ok, 25 of her 82 years included me). I remembered all the good times we had at the lake. I missed Grampa intensely for the first time in years. I almost wanted to say at my Grandmother’s funeral how much I missed her husband. Grampa died 12 years ago, and I still remember the influence he had on my life as well. I want to have a tablecloth for writing on. It would be perfect overseas in my adventures! This is not what Canadians do, but it is what my family does, and it is special to me. My aunt, uncle and cousin talked about what Grama meant to them. I smiled with the memories and cried as well. Yes, I was blessed with truly special Grandparents. I want my life to be as much a reflection of all they were to me, as my life is a reflection of who I am on my own.

Rest in Peace, my dear Grama. I love you. You mattered to me. I miss you. I will miss the cards, the blunt responses when I did wrong. If I ever get married, part of it will be empty, because there will be no one to create a poem about my life. Things I never thought I wanted, I want desperately now that you are gone. I am going to do my best to make you proud of me; I know you already are.


Today was really hard in many ways. I intensely missed my best friend. There were countless times I wanted to talk to him, where I knew he would understand how I was thinking or feeling, and I can think of no one else who would quite the same way. I know it was a family day, and that I could have talked to almost any of them about how I was feeling, but I didn’t. I kept it inside, because it seemed inappropriate to say to anyone but him. I guess I need to get over that. I felt some anger, that I don’t know how to express, but I know that a single text to him, consisting of no more than 5 words would say enough. Family gave me hugs, thinking I looked particularly sad. I don’t want to have to talk about why I am so sad. I was really more just out of it than anything. That and exhausted. I cannot seem to get over that exhaustion. I know I have to; I just… seem unable to do so.

I feel very angry, and I do not know how to get over it, or if I even should. I do not know how to deal with the emotions which are presenting themselves. So, in defense of my mental powers, I go to sleep. Sleep where I don’t have to process emotions, I don’t have to deal with the new or unexpected, or even the expected. Sleep, where everything is okay, because it is just a dream.