Dead on my Feet

Well, I made it through week one, I am not really sure how though! My job requires very little thought and very little skill, but it is exhausting me having to focus on it for so long. I photocopy everything the package needs, create the appropriate number of packages and move onto to the next one. If I were in a better headspace I might die of boredom; but in this headspace, it is almost all I can take! Someone (probably many people) told me that having a job would help me; that my energy level would increase because I would be doing things and getting out of the house. So far, I am going to bed earlier every night, waking up more tired in the morning, dragging my ass out of bed and into the shower, forcing myself into clothes, forcing food down my throat and dragging my feet out the door and to work. Once at work, I focus on the task at hand, but it is everything I have to not tell my boss that I am done, that I cannot handle her meaningless tasks and I quit. The thing is I can’t handle anymore than I am doing either. I currently don’t have to talk to students. I don’t have to use my brain. And I can’t handle it. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. Today, I had to make a couple extra stops on my way home from what seemed like the longest day of package making yet. When I made it to the last one, I sat down to look at the bus schedule. I planned on walking as far as the nearest bus stop and not moving until I could sit on a bus. Luckily I found a bus was coming within the next five minutes. Three times along the bus route I was within a five minute walk from my house, but I stayed on the twisting route until I was three houses away from my house. That walk was almost too much too. I turned down social activities tonight, because I don’t think I can do it. I imagine that if things go my way, I will be in bed by about 8 pm! How sad is that? 25 years old and asleep long before dark in early spring. I can’t wait for my doctor’s appointment on Tuesday. I am hoping she can help me with drugs to help what I cannot find the energy or strength within me to try.

I am becoming paranoid in my depression. Any friend that doesn’t want to talk to me or hang out with me hates me. I feel like anyone who drops back behind me and says something quietly to someone else is talking about me. I hear people laugh in the hall as I walk by; it must be me they are laughing at. People that make eye contact and offer a minute smile are mocking me. I know all this to be foolish, but I find myself thinking it every time I hear or see anything. I feel like my work is being criticized every time someone looks at it. I jump every time anyone comes near my desk; I feel this feeling of guilt whenever anyone is near. I am convinced I am going to get myself fired. I am convinced that everything I do is noted by someone as a fault against me. I am lying to anyone who asks how I am doing. I put on my best fake smile and say I am just fine. I know they can see through, and I feel they judge me for it. I feel like no one cares that I am dying inside. I feel like no one wants me to answer truthfully. I can’t hide it that well; I am falling apart at the seams without the energy to try to fix me! A part of me screams every time these thoughts enter my mind, but more of me believes it than I would like to admit. I am angry at everyone, but most of all at me. I know my anger to be unjustified, but I cannot stop it. I blame that I am tired, and I am indeed exhausted, but why am I angry? I am angry because you hate me! Ironically, that made me laugh.

Tomorrow I have a yard sale. Sunday, Mom has plans for me to help her around the house. When do I get to sleep this off? I could sleep for a week, and pray that I woke up feeling better….