Lessons

I have changed a lot in the last two months, even more in the last five since I headed off to Ghana; it has been a year of change which is all hitting me now. I have seen more about human nature in the last several months, I have seen things I never wanted to see, never dreamed I would see. I have seen other sides of those I love, sides I never imagined existed. I have felt more anger, sadness, despair and happiness than I knew to be possble. I have said final goodbye’s to people I never thought would disappear. I have learned that when logic disagrees with my heart, logic should prevail (that might be harder to implement, but I will try). I have learned that promises mean more to me than they do others; I do not think a promise should ever be broken. I have learned that other’s will fail you, it is more important that you never fail yourself. Sadly, I have learned that you can really trust no one but yourself you look out for you in any way.

It has been a rough two weeks for me. Delayed grief towards loosing my grandmother, although never grief that she was gone. Friendships ending without a trace. Being failed. Being hurt and angry. Now I am trying to pull myeslf together once again. So much happened last week. I cannot process it all just yet.

In the last four months, I have seen a different side of you. Angry, violent, selfish, and indifferent come to mind. It scares me, but I cannot do anything to help you but to promise that I will be with you in whatever way you let me; to do my best to help you through the rough times. I feel sorry for you. You are in such a bad place right now, and you seem to be still making it worse. If I could change it all and make you happy, I would. All I want is for you to be happy, and to be my friend again. I don’t know how to do that, but if you try as well, I know we can do it together. In seeing this other side of you, some of my feelings have changed. I do not like the man who is appearing. I do not like him at all. But I do love the man inside, the one that is hurting too much to heal. You know where to find me if you want what I can offer you again. Until then, know that I think about you and I miss you.

My own anger. I expected more from you. I expected you to care. I watched you ignore me. Then you said I was ignoring you. I was right there, trying to look alive, trying not to show my anger on the day when it could not matter. You were not the important person that day. My anger was out of place, but still justified. So yes, I ignored you. I was merely trying to deal. It was the wrong place and time, but that doesn’t make it any less painful. I am still mad at you today. I don’t think you can right this wrong. Your procrastination makes it worse. The world does not revolve around you (it does not revolve around me either, it just revolves). You were selfish and unfair. You didn’t tell me what I needed to know. You let me find out through other sources. You assumed I knew. What if no one else told me? Times like that are when people normally pull together, not find a reason to be selfish.

Goodbyes. I guess some goodbyes can be final. I wasn’t sure they could. Just so you know, saying Goodbye, forever, pointblank is a very painful way to tell someone you are done. Don’t worry, I got the message. You will never hear from me again. Some friendships just aren’t made to last. So what do you do when a friendship has ended? I decided to quietly slip away was the correct answer. You don’t have to sever all ties. Afterall, someday you might think of them fondly. Can you still do that if you have severed all ties? Can you still do that when you know you will never talk to them again? I don’t think you can.

Can I be the girl I need to be? Right now, I still feel like I cannot, but today, I feel a little like trying. My efforts will not be noticed, I know this for a fact. But I know that the efforts inside me matter as much as the ones you would like to see.