Please

Mental Breakdowns. Depression. Suffocating. Overwhelming. This is my life in a nutshell today. I am at a family function; one of the few times we all pull together, and I cannot do it. There we were today, throwing our frustrations in the form of rocks into the water and I couldn’t bring myself to join in. I couldn’t even bring myself to be social with them. Next thing I knew, I was crying hysterically and they were all leaving me with some alone space on the shore. Bless them for that; they are much better than Ghanaians with giving personal space that’s for sure! But I wasn’t crying for why they thought I would be crying. I was crying tears that had welled up for a week; tears that I don’t know where came from; tears that poured out like I had nothing to loose. Well, I don’t really. Ok, that is not fair; each of you reading this is a reason to not give up. But I feel like giving up. I don’t know how to live properly anymore. I don’t know how to live with this depression. I am exhausted, all the time. I sleep for hours, wake up just as tired, but I cannot function anymore past that point when I crawl into bed. I don’t feel like my emotions are tied to my body; the emotions I feel do not make sense with my place or situation. I feel disconnected. I go to all these places, get ready for whatever today has in store, I even seem to enjoy myself, but I am not there. I don’t know where I am, but I know that I am not there. I keep telling those that ask that I am mentally lost as that is the best way I can come up with to tell them that I don’t feel like I am here at all. Sometimes, I don’t function enough and people notice, but I always just blame the exhaustion. It’s true, I am so very tired.

I am half tempted to head on home now; ignore the events of tomorrow which have brought us all here. I am too emotionally unstable to deal with it and I only feel bad when I do not cry for the same reasons as anyone else. Erin says it’s ok, no one needs to know but her and I, but I still don’t feel right. What if someone says something and I start to cry and cannot blame it on the correct situation? This is a time for family, not the individual. Everything I cry for is the individual. It’s all about me. And I can start crying at anytime. I have been holding it all in for so long. Today, I am just too tired to continue to hold it in. Today, I let the torrent of tears run down my face, and as I write this (and as I sat here doing nothing too) I feel the tears burning at the back of my eyes, just waiting for something in me to break, to let them free. I don’t know how I am supposed to do anything when I don’t know when tears will fall! I currently feel so totally helpless that I can’t think of a way that anything would make it better. I had to cancel my counseling appointment for this week, but I can see myself sitting in her office just feeling sorry for myself, and I know that will not help my mood. But I feel a little like I can no longer do anything. I get up everyday; I try to look functional everyday. What more do you want from me? I don’t have much else in me. Okay, I know it is worse today because my period starts in a couple days, and I know very well that it makes me needy. I also know it is worse because my allergies are acting up and I am tired from the cold as well. But right now, I feel so heavy that I don’t even feel like I could get off this chair and go to the bathroom if the need arose. And I do not know how to deal with it. I do not like the person living in my body, I just don’t know how to get rid of her. I don’t like her, but I have no strength to force the change that is needed. I know what is needed; I even know ways to deal with it. But it takes everything I have to live in this world that I don’t know how to go there. People say baby steps. All I have is functional steps.

I know you can all see ways that I can make it all better. Please share them! The support system I liked to call on has failed me yet again, and I feel left with nothing. Again, this is something I know to be false, deep inside, but I cannot reach the part of me that knows that. I don’t know how to talk about depression like this; I don’t know who to talk to either. I feel like such a burden on everyone I know. I do not like being a burden on anyone. I like to take on other people’s problems so that they feel better, but I do not know how to take on my own, and I do not really know how to release them to anyone new. Please help me. If I can merely find a way to stand, I will find a way to help myself. Please. Help me. I cannot help myself right now. Please help me.

I have a job for 5 weeks starting next week. I need to be able to do it. I need to be able to pull myself together, at least a little bit. And then, I need to get on with my dreams. But in this state, I fear I can do neither.

Please. Help me. Love me. And tell me so. I need to hear it, I need to see it. Help me learn to like me again, help me find the will to help me again.