Messy Business

I seem to be making a mess of my friendships again. I am picking fights for no reason and then feeling bad. I feel like I am leading people on when I can barely get myself out of bed. I bailed on girl’s night because it seemed like too much effort (although, in my defence, I was in bed that night before it started).

I broke down and called the doctor to talk about my anti-depressant level. However, I cannot see my doctor until April 8th. That’s another two weeks of doing the best I can do every day, except my best isn’t what people think it should be. Okay, it isn’t what I think it should be. I feel as though I am failing myself by being this depressed, but I cannot find it in me to change it. I know that if I had something to work towards, I would be slightly better off. I cannot bring myself to start to look for that something, most likely being my new dream career. I know that being able to remind myself that I can be something special to the world would make me feel better. But I cannot do it yet. I do however see the counsellor tomorrow afternoon for my assessment. Hopefully, I pass the crazy test and they offer to help me.

I booked a trip to Edmonton for a couple days. Hopefully seeing some good friends (and family!) will help me get over some of this too. I am looking forward to it. April 10-14 essentially, although I arrive on the 9th at 9 pm.

I freaked out at Travis late last night. There really was no reason for it, and today, I feel really bad. But something in me is saying that is what I need to do (maybe not directly to him) – I need to be angry to be able to deal with the pain I still feel. I miss him more every day. But, it might be time for us to really go our separate ways, at least in regards to where our lives are going. I still want to be his friend, but maybe I do need to be angry and hurt first. I guess we will see if he forgives my breakdown and offers to hang out with me. I need to be angry on my own, not to him. I don’t want to hurt him anymore than he is already hurting. Until I get over the pain left inside me at not having him anymore, I cannot do anything useful with my life. He is not in my life really, but he controls everything I do. I burned all my 2009 pictures onto disks yesterday. It took 8 disks to get through. That is how I know that everything Travis and I went through was worth it. I had the best year, and a shitload of pictures to remind me someday when they don’t hurt! I have also left them all on my screensaver for now. If I get rid of memories of our time together, all I have left is Ghana.

The scrapbooks (from the non-scrapbooker) are coming along well. I hope to have mine complete before I go to Edmonton so that I can show anyone who wants to see. I have most of the pictures glued in, and captions for all that I do. My glitter glue fun takes at least 3 hours to dry, so that is slowing me down! I have started the kids’ as well; I have almost all of their pictures glued in. I have very few shots of a couple of them, so I stalking Facebook to find where other volunteers had pictures of them... hopefully can send more pictures to get printed soon. I have just skipped the pages where I don’t have enough pictures right now.

I feel alright today, except that I think I might have ruined two friendships in one go last night. I am going out for lunch with a friend today and then scrapbooking again. Tomorrow I get to bake Easter cookies with my little brother and then see the counsellor. The next thing that might be planned is the mall on Saturday – there is a book sale, and I need new shoes – and possibly Powder King on Sunday. That is very debatable though.