It’s been a long road to get here, and I could easily be tempted away, but for now, I think I have come to a conclusion about some very important things.
Travis was the best thing I had ever done in my life. I loved completely, I gave myself completely. I didn’t hide any part of me. And, in the end, I lost. I lost a little of myself, and I lost a great man. These things happen. I admit that I have been hoping that he would work himself out, and that we could try again. But, we haven’t really talked in the last week, and in the time away, I have realised some things, partly in thanks to some great friends. I know that when he says he doesn’t deserve me, he is right. I know that he has hurt me more than anyone else could. And, try as I might, I cannot come up with ways I have hurt him in return. I still love him, but I know I can no longer be his girl. I do still desperately hope that we can salvage friendship out of it, but I fear we cannot. The pain he has caused me makes him want to ignore me, so he doesn’t have to see it. I miss him desperately, but I feel as though I cannot fit into his life anymore. I pray that he gets the help he needs; I hope that he can find true happiness in his life, the way that he brought it to me. Travis, I know you are reading this, and I imagine you are crying, just like I am. I love you, I always will. I care about you, I always will. And I will always be here for you, be it tomorrow or ten years from now. The year we spent together will always make me smile.
That said, in my life confusion, I am half thinking about dating again. I have been hanging out with an old friend. We have great times, we laugh, I cry sometimes, but it’s always okay. I feel so safe in his presence. But then I think about Travis, and I wonder what the hell I am doing. I know I should get help, figure myself out first, but the thought of a comforting touch, has me wanting it desperately. I need something to take my mind of the pain I feel inside. I wonder if someone could be that comfort for me, without my pain getting in the way? I
would probably only mess up another great friendship to do it. But every time we hang out, I just find myself wanting him to hold me.
Okay, I know none of it is healthy. I am going back to scrapbooking Ghana. It allows me to forget the pain in my soul and to remember the best months of my life. I need to get myself back together, so I can plan a way to bring that joy back into my life for good.
Travis was the best thing I had ever done in my life. I loved completely, I gave myself completely. I didn’t hide any part of me. And, in the end, I lost. I lost a little of myself, and I lost a great man. These things happen. I admit that I have been hoping that he would work himself out, and that we could try again. But, we haven’t really talked in the last week, and in the time away, I have realised some things, partly in thanks to some great friends. I know that when he says he doesn’t deserve me, he is right. I know that he has hurt me more than anyone else could. And, try as I might, I cannot come up with ways I have hurt him in return. I still love him, but I know I can no longer be his girl. I do still desperately hope that we can salvage friendship out of it, but I fear we cannot. The pain he has caused me makes him want to ignore me, so he doesn’t have to see it. I miss him desperately, but I feel as though I cannot fit into his life anymore. I pray that he gets the help he needs; I hope that he can find true happiness in his life, the way that he brought it to me. Travis, I know you are reading this, and I imagine you are crying, just like I am. I love you, I always will. I care about you, I always will. And I will always be here for you, be it tomorrow or ten years from now. The year we spent together will always make me smile.
That said, in my life confusion, I am half thinking about dating again. I have been hanging out with an old friend. We have great times, we laugh, I cry sometimes, but it’s always okay. I feel so safe in his presence. But then I think about Travis, and I wonder what the hell I am doing. I know I should get help, figure myself out first, but the thought of a comforting touch, has me wanting it desperately. I need something to take my mind of the pain I feel inside. I wonder if someone could be that comfort for me, without my pain getting in the way? I
would probably only mess up another great friendship to do it. But every time we hang out, I just find myself wanting him to hold me.Okay, I know none of it is healthy. I am going back to scrapbooking Ghana. It allows me to forget the pain in my soul and to remember the best months of my life. I need to get myself back together, so I can plan a way to bring that joy back into my life for good.
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