I feel like I am suffering from bipolar depression for the first time in my life. Today a high, tomorrow a low. There seems to be no logical reason. And the tears: look out the waterworks start at any time! Having only experienced depression lows, this is entirely beyond me. I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. Let’s recap on my life, maybe, you, my soul reader, can guide me through this.
On Wednesday, Travis, Nathaniel and I went out to Fraser Lake to see Trav’s parents. I hadn’t seen them since Thanksgiving, so I was going with or without Travis. Nathaniel gave me a hug when we picked him up; the tears started to well in my eyes. I blinked them away. No one knew the better. We leave town and my mp3 player plays a song; it hits a cord and tears again arrive. We make it to the farm with no further hitches, and spend a delightful afternoon watching Nathaniel be a goofball with his Grandpa and chatting about life, my trip to Africa and whatever we feel like. All of a sudden, I become so overwhelmed with emotion that when someone asks if I am ok, my answer is a “No” over my shoulder as I head out the door. I promise to be back in 10 minutes for the dinner which was about to be served. Travis, bless his heart, offers to take the bus home. I tell him he is ridiculous; he is coming home in the truck unless he wants otherwise. The drive back to Prince George was somewhat strained, until we remembered how to talk to our best friend. We talked half the way home, and for two hours once we were back in town. Just, best friend stuff. It was the perfect end to an emotional day. I hung with Travis again today, and randomly, I started shaking with tears that came out of nowhere. I couldn’t even try to stop them, I didn’t know they were coming until they were already there! There are so many things wrong with me! However, as I sit here tonight, there are no tears in my eyes. I might be able to salvage my friendship with the best man I have found.
I have this other friend, who I am not sure what to do with. He seems to be flirting even though he keeps his distance. I am still madly in love with Travis, although I am trying to hold that inside, to somehow forget it so I can be his friend. But this friend, I am not even sure how to be his friend knowing that he carries more inside for me than I can even think about. And I don’t know what to do about it. I want to run away so that I don’t have to deal with this problem that I see arising. But he is one of few people who will actually take the time to talk to me while I am depressed as I am. How do I run away from my one friend? How the hell did I find another mess, when my engagement mess is bigger than I can handle? This one is far above my head. I don’t know what to do at all.
All I want is a friend! Someone to talk to. Someone to bounce my thoughts off. Why is this so hard!? It’s because the one person in the world who understands me completely finds it hard to be with me, as I do him. It’s because what we talk about now, is so different from what we want to talk about. It’s because life with him is so easy, so comfortable.
But it doesn’t excuse my manicness! I do not like being manic! I do not like not being in control of my emotions! And I just wake up... annoyed, or happy, and I cannot shake the feeling all day. Nothing got rid of my bad day, nothing could bring me down on my best days. Today, is just a day. I cried, I laughed, I smiled, I gave snarky answers, I was confused. Seems like a good day! I just... wish I had any answers.
The place you're in sounds similar to the place I was in after my last relationship ended. That was over two and a half years ago. You should feel lucky you can still see and talk to some extent with Travis. I couldn't do that in my case and still cannot. I believe that this hindered my recovery quite substantially, but blaming her is pointless and feeling sad about it is counterproductive.
ReplyDeleteNow, two and a half years later, having not dated anyone in the interim, I'm starting to feel like the malaise is finally ending. It kind of makes me nervous to head back home. I'm scared that I'm going to jump on the first opportunity that presents itself and fall headlong into the same stupid mistakes that caused the last failure.
Your best bet is to just accept that this is how it is going to be and focus on you for a while. Relearn what you like. Grow as a person. Become an individual again.
Only time will fix this, and the amount of time you need could possibly be measured in years.