Learning to Let Go.

I have been home almost 2 weeks, definitely back in our country for that long. I am not sure I am doing any better, but I know I am not doing any worse. I went to the doctor yesterday. Along with treating me for all my various African diseases that I picked up along the way and ignored, she is worried about my mental health. I don’t blame her. I am more worried about why I am always so damn tired, but she says they are probably related. My fiancé left me; we can’t up my drugs for that. I admit I kept holding on to the thought we could fix it. I know this was wrong. Everything in my being today tells me that he is gone (again). This is a feeling I have learned to trust in the last year; the feeling that my heart hurts and my soul is empty. I held on, despite everything, because I love him more than life in this country. I want to fix at least the friendship. I am not ready to lose him completely.

Because there is now a lump in my throat and tears blurring my vision, we are going to talk about new things! (well.... somewhat....)

I realised on the weekend that I had the best year of my life in the last 10 months. I need to make it all the best year, and then keep going from there; the best life! Starting at 25, my life will be what I want it to be. A year ago next month, I had a complete mental breakdown. I picked myself up, found the girl I wanted to be, and went on with my life. Travis was beside me every step of the way, encouraging me. Then Travis and I started actually dating, as opposed to, whatever we were doing all those months before when we wouldn’t accept a relationship. Travis and I had the best summer of my life. It was amazing: full of road trips, laughs, love and fun. When he proposed, I thought all my dreams had come true, and I was ready for that step of my life. Turns out, love wasn’t enough in this case. I don’t hold any hard feelings to Travis, and indeed, I would work it all out if we could. Life is beating him up right now, and I know it’s not his fault at all. I know how hard it is. If you remember, he walked me through my own breakdown... I just want to be there for my friend. I want him to remain my best friend, because I have never had a friend like him before, and I know I never will.

My three months in Ghana were another amazing few months for me. I lived as myself, not as an actor trying to fit into the picture that society, family and friends had painted for her over the years. I know that no one meant to make a mould for me, but I never fit it properly. Back in Canada, I am struggling with that mould once again. I don’t want to live it; I don’t know how to break it.

Today, I am finding it hard to face the day. I stayed in bed for an hour after I woke up. I now sit at my computer, wearing my pj’s and finding reasons to hate everyone and everything. A big part of me knows these feelings today are because I feel so empty, and I fear that the chat Travis and I are supposed to have later today will take away the last of the hope I have been living with since I got home.

I have to remember what I learned a year ago during my breakthrough. I am in control of me. I am the one who decides if I have happy or sad. I need to take control. Right now, I don’t know how to do this; I feel so empty. However, I do have a dream, and if I work towards this dream, maybe I can feel content enough to make me happy. It’s a different kind of happy than I imagined I could come home to, but I can still be happy. I have had the best year of my life; if I give up now, I am turning my back on it and I cannot do that to myself. Whatever life throws at me, I have to be in control. I am in control. I will be who I want to be. Somehow. Some day.