It hurts. Everything hurts, yet I have nothing physical to show for my pain. Travis is in similar pain, and his pain breaks my heart; it cuts through my soul. I can’t do anything for him. I am part of the problem. Yes, he made the problem, but I am part of it. And ultimately, our dreams never matched, we never would have made it, so there is no blame to go around. But his pain cuts straight through me. His pain makes me cry more than my own pain does.
I woke up today feeling sick; but because I had something to do, I did get out of bed easier. Sick, tired and like crying. There is a lump in my chest – a lot like asthma, but without the coughing. It’s different from the lump currently in my throat. It is hard to breathe, it is hard to function.
I went to my newest assessment for counselling today. The guy in charge says I should have a counsellor within a couple days. Hopefully I can see them before I go to Edmonton; otherwise, his quick turnaround means nothing for my busy unemployed schedule. He didn’t make me feel crazy; he said he just wanted to sit and talk to me, but that isn’t his job as a supervisor.
I am working all day on Thursday before we head out to SunPeaks for a 4 day weekend of skiing. It sounds like I might be back at work full time upon my return home from Edmonton. I don’t feel ready to go back, but my bank account does. My dreams for Ghana do. And, it sounds like the College wants me back, still just as a casual. At least I can’t get completely fired as a casual like I could if I took a position! But I don’t think I would get my position back even if it does get posted anytime soon and I could feel mentally ready to do it. They have brought in a casual for the last month who is not me. I don’t even care right now though, because I don’t think I could have done it anyways.
Just wanted to keep you up to date on the Hurtings of Jenna. Love you.
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